43

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Before we all die I just want to say…

Normally, I would write this long blog post about how another year has passed and how I need to focus on goals and all this other crap. Eff that. When did I become this serious goal monster that needs to keep pushing the envelope? I ask this question to myself because I begin to wonder if I’ve stopped to enjoy life in this incredibly fucked up world.

I’m leaning toward no.

Sure, I live in one of the greatest cities in the world which gives me access to do just about anything I want to do and yet, I shy away from doing what everybody else does. Some of that is because I’m a homebody. There are times I would rather just be home and catch up on shows, or read, or write. Another reason is because I’m not a fucking follower (as I’ve been recently accused of — yes, I’m bitter). Other reasons for not going out is that I don’t want to spend the money. I want to be clear, I do not consider myself cheap but I do question the value of things and if my time and money can be spent somewhere else.

Look, I will be honest, my life is not a grand spectacle and I don’t try to pretend that it is on social media. I work a lot and I am really good at what I do. Outside of work though… I feel everyone (mostly family) wants or needs me for something and like a pendejo (look it up) I tend to not say no. Inherently, this is not a bad thing because I’m a decent human being and there was a point in my life where I didn’t want to be near family. But, now I’m older and more responsible and I feel that family is important… especially if I happen to have kids (pause).

Yet, I can’t help but think that I should be doing more for myself. I’m dying to go to Cuba and to be honest, this is where I begin to evaluate my life and I begin to question everything. Let’s push aside what 45 has done to limit travel and focus on when it was easier to go. The question I ask myself is why didn’t I go to Cuba when I had the chance? What was I waiting for? Here is my answer, I take my current (and now past) responsibilities so seriously when it comes to family that I push my own shit back. So I watched when family and friends (…did my friends go or was it Facebook ‘friends’…? shrug) post pics and think.. that could’ve me but I was fucking around.

So what does 43 mean to me? It means that I may need to pull back and think more about me (and her too). I need to start being more me-centric. I hate the word selfish because it gives the assumption that I don’t care about anyone else. I do want to focus more on myself and not just travel and vacations. I look at the calendar and I realized I have not seen a doctor in years. That fact scares me because I don’t want to be that dude that never sees the doctor considering I’m at that age range where tubes and needles go into places that I’m not prepared for them to go.

I’m comforted that I do have people in my life that do love and care about me and (for as long as we are alive before the world ends) I will have their back just as much as they have mine. Right now, it’s time for me to stop talking about shit and just doing it.

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41

41-622x414I’ve been on a mission. I’ve been driven to prove to myself that my fourth decade of existence will be better the past three. I truly believe that life should get better the older we get. I also believe that every new goal that is set should mean more than the last.

Maybe its because I’m getting older and I view life just a little differently than I did when I was younger. In any case, I want to be able to see new sites and do things that I’ve never done before (within reason…I’m not jumping out of a plane). I would like to spend more time with people who matter to me.

I also feel that when you get to point in life, second chances to do things just seem to pop up. Dead relationships come back to life and (more often then not) old relationship come to an inevitable end. Second careers are born during this time and as I look further down the road, I truly do not know what to expect. The goal remains the same: continuous writing. From there, I will see what happens.

Right now, I’m just grateful for family and friends. I love the fact that when I go somewhere with people who know me, they tell me to keep writing. I love that.

Today, I received a great gift, a reminder to never stop what I’m doing. I ran into former colleagues from Syracuse University that I haven’t seen in a long time. We connected and bonded over current success. During the conversation it was pointed out to me that despite their busy work they found time to buy my book. These are people I haven’t seen in at least 5 years. I needed that…the universe knew I need to hear that. Despite any of my struggles, there are people out there rooting for me.

That was just as good as any gift I will get today.

Thirty Nine…

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Thirty Nine. 39??? How the hell did this happen? I was just in High School a few years ago. I was just at Syracuse a few months ago. I shake my head because I am getting older (although I may not look it because black don’t crack). However, at the same time I’m celebrating because I just about made it out of my 30’s in what seems to be in better shape than when I entered it.

I still feel like a kid. I’m still waiting for that age when I feel old. Don’t get me wrong, I still have aches and pains that I didn’t have 10 years ago but I am still pretty healthy (thank god). It is my spirit that is still young and that goes along way. I have learned a lot about myself and my body to know that I can’t eat certain things anymore. What I’m happy about the most is that I’m still able to run 2 miles and faster than I did when I started 4 years ago.

Now there is no way to hide the fact that I am going to be 4 decades old. I wont get into any reflections because I will save that for 2014, I am just really amazed at what I’ve seen and who I have known. I feel very fortunate that I have been able to use the time I have been on this earth to help other people.

I believe that what has kept me young is being able to move past things. I know I’ve made mistakes that I will continue to try to atone for those but I’ve also tried no to hold on to things other people have done. Stress and drama can weigh people down and make them age faster than they want to. I recently learned that drama is something that just doesn’t happen, we seek it out either willingly or unconsciously. We can’t lead the lives of reality stars who get paid to make drama up. I need to make sure that I stay true to myself.

The one thing that really cements that I’m 39 is the fact that it has taken me this long to figure out how to write a novel. I sit here asking myself what the hell have I been doing all these years? I suppose all the blogs that I have written has prepared me for such an undertaking but for some reason I was just not ready until now. I think it may be the sum of all my experiences that makes it possible to put things into words in the way I want to. I can’t imagine writing something this long 10 years ago. In fact, I couldn’t imagine me having a blog for this long 10 years ago.

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I guess feeling young and being mentally older is the key thing. I can be wise enough to help former students with gradate school applications and resumes and young enough to enjoy a Black Adam (see above) shirt that my woman gave me. (It is quite awesome, I will have to rock it soon).

I am just hoping that I can continue down this road that leads to my 40s.