90 Minutes

Focused

Before we all die I just want to say…

There always comes a point where I have to self reflect on what I’m doing. My last post was about my professional career and how I’m willing to do I need to do in order to be successful. Yet, I struggle with my creative world… or rather,  I feel like I’m struggling.

I’m willing to admit that most of what’s happening is in my head. Perhaps I have higher expectations of what I can actually commit my time to. Why shouldn’t I expect to have a certain amount of success? Yet, I cannot define what that actually means and if I cannot get a definition then what the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing any of this?

I do it for me. But is that enough?

Everyday I follow my calendar. I have meetings upon meetings. I take notes and fulfill tasks based on those meetings and notes. Then I work events and if I’m lucky I get to have a meal at some point. I don’t complain because I love what I do and I follow the script that I set out for myself every day when I’m at work. But what happens when I get home?

Since I live with my mother (until such time as when the house is sold), it turns out that I don’t do nearly as much as I should be doing for me. Sure, I will get home, eat dinner, do chores, and then watch television. My television viewing habits mostly consist of political shows that depict how fucked we are right now. Of course, it’s April now so I can spread out that time watching baseball. So for the most part, my nights are unconstructed space.

Why is this important? Why is this the problem?

Unconstructed space is dangerous for me. As I’ve gotten older, I know that if I plan out my day at work, I will simply get more done. So is there no wonder that I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of nothingness when it comes to writing? I need to start planning out my time when I’m outside of work as much as I do when I’m at work. The reason I didn’t want to do this before is because it seems so tiring. What if I don’t want to do a damn thing? Sometime times I would rather spend my god given, American rite (for now) of doing absolutely nothing when I get home from work.

I can’t afford to do that. Not anymore.

It’s not just about the lack of writing. Sure, I could benefit from writing more blog entries because it fits the need to write everyday. Sure, I could benefit from adding to a third book that I’m supposed to be writing. It also has a lot to do with my volunteer life as a member of ACUI. There are things I need to do for that. I also need to think about ways to be better at marketing myself. So, no, it’s not just entirely about the writing but the majority of it is. Which leads me to the main question, what do I do about this?

90 minutes of writing, 6 days a week.

This is something that I needed to schedule a long time ago. A part of me has let my after work laziness get to me. I made excuses of not living in Harlem any more as a reason for why I stopped writing so much or running as much. The best way for me to get on track with my life is to follow my calendar. This isn’t a declaration that everyone has to do this. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have thought that this was a very good a idea for me 2 years ago.

The point is that every so often I change and evolve; and thus I need to adjust my habits. Now if I ever question my decision on whether this will work for me, I will just look at this particular blog post since I wrote 706 words in less than 30 minutes of my 90 minute time.

Time for me to write something else before my time is up.

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April Free Write

I think the best thing for me to do right now is a free write. I have been so busy this semester that I haven’t really had time to sit back and think about what is really happening around me. The fact that its already April is crazy to me. Yet, I feel that I don’t have enough time to do everything that I want to do. I did take some risks that are beginning to pay off and hopefully by May, I can actually say what it is.

I am also torn by the fact that I still want to leave Syracuse and yet the pull of continuing my education remains. The class I’m taking currently is indeed amazing and it’s taking me to a place where I really want to learn more. When the dust settles on this semester, I will look at my options and really consider perusing my Master’s degree and holding off NYC. It is a difficult decision because I wanted to do this elsewhere but I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

I’ve also thrown myself into my work by doing new things and being more available to students. It goes far beyond me caring and doing what is right. It is the fact that I am determined to be better. I have come to realize over these past few weeks that perhaps I was depressed over the last few years. I am not sure that is something that I could see at the time. I was going through many things and I don’t think I handled many things well. It has taken me awhile to get adjust to not only living alone, but to getting to the task of care of myself. I have faced many fears and continue to do so.

Then there is the fact that I have become so attached to my writing that it takes an emotional toll on me. Not that I consider this to be a bad thing but it is something that has really connected me to the larger world. I love the fact that I have a forum like the Huffington Post. It has given me a new outlook on my ability. However, I would be lying if I said that my post being declined didn’t bother me. I am my own worse critic as it is, but I never consider being turned down before. I put a lot of effort into the posts I have already written. I almost consider it a failure.

I also think about my girlfriend. I do not talk about her much on here because I feel that approaching that subject in a public forum is something she may not be totally ready for. But, I will say that I have been able to enjoy life a little more now that I have someone to share things with. My past has taught me many things and I will say that I have done myself a disservice by not taking time to just enjoy the little things. I think appreciating a woman is one of those things.

As I look at what is left of April, I am a little distraught that I have not written (or finished) any poems yet. I have reached a different point in my life that will definitely effect the way I do poetry. I think all the things that I written over the past year or two was just me being a certain phase of my life. I have shed that and I am currently heading into another phase.

I will end by saying this. My emotions are strictly focused on what is going on in this racist world we live in. I have been angry and sad all at the same time. I am just glad that I have someone to love to balance it all out.

The Future is bright my friends.