I think the best thing for me to do right now is a free write. I have been so busy this semester that I haven’t really had time to sit back and think about what is really happening around me. The fact that its already April is crazy to me. Yet, I feel that I don’t have enough time to do everything that I want to do. I did take some risks that are beginning to pay off and hopefully by May, I can actually say what it is.
I am also torn by the fact that I still want to leave Syracuse and yet the pull of continuing my education remains. The class I’m taking currently is indeed amazing and it’s taking me to a place where I really want to learn more. When the dust settles on this semester, I will look at my options and really consider perusing my Master’s degree and holding off NYC. It is a difficult decision because I wanted to do this elsewhere but I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
I’ve also thrown myself into my work by doing new things and being more available to students. It goes far beyond me caring and doing what is right. It is the fact that I am determined to be better. I have come to realize over these past few weeks that perhaps I was depressed over the last few years. I am not sure that is something that I could see at the time. I was going through many things and I don’t think I handled many things well. It has taken me awhile to get adjust to not only living alone, but to getting to the task of care of myself. I have faced many fears and continue to do so.
Then there is the fact that I have become so attached to my writing that it takes an emotional toll on me. Not that I consider this to be a bad thing but it is something that has really connected me to the larger world. I love the fact that I have a forum like the Huffington Post. It has given me a new outlook on my ability. However, I would be lying if I said that my post being declined didn’t bother me. I am my own worse critic as it is, but I never consider being turned down before. I put a lot of effort into the posts I have already written. I almost consider it a failure.
I also think about my girlfriend. I do not talk about her much on here because I feel that approaching that subject in a public forum is something she may not be totally ready for. But, I will say that I have been able to enjoy life a little more now that I have someone to share things with. My past has taught me many things and I will say that I have done myself a disservice by not taking time to just enjoy the little things. I think appreciating a woman is one of those things.
As I look at what is left of April, I am a little distraught that I have not written (or finished) any poems yet. I have reached a different point in my life that will definitely effect the way I do poetry. I think all the things that I written over the past year or two was just me being a certain phase of my life. I have shed that and I am currently heading into another phase.
I will end by saying this. My emotions are strictly focused on what is going on in this racist world we live in. I have been angry and sad all at the same time. I am just glad that I have someone to love to balance it all out.
The Future is bright my friends.