Before we all die I just want to say…
I haven’t been able to put a full blog post together since my last vague statement. It’s been hard to write largely because I feel a little lost. When there is too much to say it feels like it’s all babble and then key points get missed which makes it feel like I have nothing to say.
I would love to tell you that my lack of writing is a protest of some sort, like I’m taking a knee at the computer but you know what? There is a part of me that thinks that much of this shit we saw on television this weekend is just crap and I don’t even watch football. I feel like we are getting played because taking a knee is now viral thing and the message is now lost. Look, I’m all for pissing off 45 but I’m not here for making a mockery of the original message about police brutality and inequality. (I needed to get that out of the way)
Puerto Rico is suffering and it feels like no one really cares. Yea, I know people care but where is the round the clock coverage of the “Hurricane Maria Aftermath”? The media could not wait to break out all the graphics and experts for Harvey and Irma. They had people on the ground getting blown by terrifying winds. Maria walked right in and destroyed Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands and they are just now paying attention to this? Fuck outta here. But I guess colonies don’t get the media attention that might negatively impact tourism.
Where is the governmental response? Please, don’t sit there reading this and expect some last minute miracle because I gotta tell you, Puerto Rico has always been seen as the runt of the litter when it come the U.S. colonies. You can go back to the early 20th Century and comb through tons of articles in the New York Times and read how politicians viewed this island and the natives. Puerto Rico has always been a chip on the board and notch in the belt of American Imperialism. Of course, the island is in debt so perhaps had they paid Wall Street this would be different? Disaster Relief has it’s cost.
Sure, 45 is releasing funds to help with relief but after how many days? Did you know that Puerto Rico cannot receive foreign aid because of the Jones Act? This Merchant Maritime law of 1920 (aka The Jones Act) basically states that cargo from another country cannot be dropped off in Puerto Rico and has to be shipped to the mainland in order to be shipped to the island. This is the dumbest thing ever and you want to know why this happened? Puerto Rico is a territory owned and regulated by the Unites States where it forever remains a colony to exploit.
Yes, a colony as in Colonization…as in the island is free to not be free. Remember that when you see the tiny bit of coverage about Puerto Rico. Just know that at one point in time they tried to sterilize women because they felt we needed population control. All of a sudden we expect help even though there are 3 million American citizens on that island?
Ugh! I get so frustrated every time we have to remind people that Puerto Ricans are American citizens. I, now, feel that I need to take this break to remind all of you that Flint, Michigan still does not have clean drinking water. So even the reminder about the rights of certain American citizens hits deaf ears.
Puerto Ricans will get through this, I know we will. It will be the hardest thing our people will have to face in recent history. I encourage everyone to give time, money, supplies, or all of the above. I know it’s hard because I feel helpless. Everyone has a charity or an idea and it is a bit overwhelming so you’re going to have to some research and go with the best answer (no… The American Red Cross is not that answer) you can.
The point is we need to do something. Waiting is not an option.
Is this thing on?
I have to be vague and still convey what I need to. The difficulty is because I want to just blurt out everything without caring for other people’s feelings. But, that’s the thing isn’t it? I care for people. I care for those who I love and those who love me and I even care for those I kinda hate and those that kinda hate me. Why? Because deep down I know we are all connected intrinsically, cosmically.
When I turned 40 I shouted, “life begins at 40!” I believe that. I think that I’ve reached this magical age of near enlightenment where I can apply all the lessons of the past to try to be a truly good person. I recognize mistakes were made along the way. I know that I’m not perfect, but I try my best to be a better person. Yet, while my life “began at 40”, I’m not sure who’s going to be around to see me at 50.
It’s painful to admit that the older people in my life are getting older and more susceptible to things that may cause them to leave this existence. In the past four years, I’ve lost two aunts so I understand how this works. I understand that the curse of being one of the youngest in the family means you see everyone fade.
Within the wake of all of this comes regret. I could’ve been a better nephew, cousin, or son. Maybe I could’ve worked harder to spend more time. Maybe I could have gone that extra mile to do things the right way. Maybe, I should’ve worked harder to have children at a younger age. All this sounds crazy but when your heart cries your head makes excuses.
Family is important… even if they’re assholes. That doesn’t mean I have to trust them. It doesn’t mean I have to lend them money. What it does mean is that they are a part of me in ways that I may not like or admit. I watch and observe the incredibly stupid behavior of certain people and know that had people spent less time in their feelings and more time actually talking about problems… then I wouldn’t have to be so vague about any of this.
This is not a game anymore. I will not play this social media game where I try to out do the next person in life achievements and then fabricate happiness. Facebook is a farce; a real life version of The Sims. I’m surprised that Zuck hasn’t tried to sell us expansion packs that feature new looks and outfits to cover our shitty little lives, or maybe he has. I can only say that I know who my real friends are. I know who I’m cool with. I’m done pretending that everything is going to be okay because it may not be.
I made a promise. I swore to be vague about something because, “people are fake.” I get that. People hold grudges or say some rude shit one day and then send you a Facebook invite the next day. These same people will talk mad shit but then cry at the funeral. These same people will pretend to be your friend but never visits you in the hospital (I’m not bitter at all).
There’s a lack of understanding that looms over like a cloud where some people only see things from one point of view without considering that perhaps… they might be wrong. One person sees a number and declares it a 9 and no one can tell this person anything. Another person sees that exact same number from a different angle and calls it a 6 and you can’t tell that person any differently. This describes the world we live in. This describes my family.
I made a promise to be vague and I will keep that.
Before we all die I just want to say…
Normally, I would write this long blog post about how another year has passed and how I need to focus on goals and all this other crap. Eff that. When did I become this serious goal monster that needs to keep pushing the envelope? I ask this question to myself because I begin to wonder if I’ve stopped to enjoy life in this incredibly fucked up world.
I’m leaning toward no.
Sure, I live in one of the greatest cities in the world which gives me access to do just about anything I want to do and yet, I shy away from doing what everybody else does. Some of that is because I’m a homebody. There are times I would rather just be home and catch up on shows, or read, or write. Another reason is because I’m not a fucking follower (as I’ve been recently accused of — yes, I’m bitter). Other reasons for not going out is that I don’t want to spend the money. I want to be clear, I do not consider myself cheap but I do question the value of things and if my time and money can be spent somewhere else.
Look, I will be honest, my life is not a grand spectacle and I don’t try to pretend that it is on social media. I work a lot and I am really good at what I do. Outside of work though… I feel everyone (mostly family) wants or needs me for something and like a pendejo (look it up) I tend to not say no. Inherently, this is not a bad thing because I’m a decent human being and there was a point in my life where I didn’t want to be near family. But, now I’m older and more responsible and I feel that family is important… especially if I happen to have kids (pause).
Yet, I can’t help but think that I should be doing more for myself. I’m dying to go to Cuba and to be honest, this is where I begin to evaluate my life and I begin to question everything. Let’s push aside what 45 has done to limit travel and focus on when it was easier to go. The question I ask myself is why didn’t I go to Cuba when I had the chance? What was I waiting for? Here is my answer, I take my current (and now past) responsibilities so seriously when it comes to family that I push my own shit back. So I watched when family and friends (…did my friends go or was it Facebook ‘friends’…? shrug) post pics and think.. that could’ve me but I was fucking around.
So what does 43 mean to me? It means that I may need to pull back and think more about me (and her too). I need to start being more me-centric. I hate the word selfish because it gives the assumption that I don’t care about anyone else. I do want to focus more on myself and not just travel and vacations. I look at the calendar and I realized I have not seen a doctor in years. That fact scares me because I don’t want to be that dude that never sees the doctor considering I’m at that age range where tubes and needles go into places that I’m not prepared for them to go.
I’m comforted that I do have people in my life that do love and care about me and (for as long as we are alive before the world ends) I will have their back just as much as they have mine. Right now, it’s time for me to stop talking about shit and just doing it.