At this moment, I do not want to get to a point where I have nothing to talk about so I will just write about what is currently on my mind and see where it takes me. To be honest, this blog is titled “Inside My Head” and it would be nice if I actually did that from time to time.
I am such an emotional person that sometimes, it is hard to focus on certain subjects. Right now, I feel a certain way about the type of work I do. I am passionate about students and that is one reason why I have stayed where I am. The passion for this runs so deep that I find myself getting infuriated by those who do not share a certain amount of passion for the education of students. While I am not on the academic side yet, I do feel that student affairs provides students with education outside the classroom.
I feel that this type of work is very rewarding and I feel that I have sacrificed large amounts of my life for students. It comes with the territory and that does not bother me. However, I believe a great deal of that sacrifice was part of ending my marriage. It becomes difficult to work with people who forget why we work at a University.
I have also been struggling with several poems that I have swirling in my head right now. I have written five unfinished poems that are just staring at me from my notebook. They are all about love, of course. Although, one of them seems to be about the absence of love.
I am trying to figure out why I am struggling with this. I know that there are things that I am dealing with personally that I will equate to a chess game. Each move I make is to set up the next move and it must be planned with such precision that the wrong move could lead to the wrong kind of checkmate. The funny thing about this is that I am not all that great at chess, although I do know how to play.
I also have this growing fear in the back of my heart. I am trying to do so many things that failing is becoming less of an option. The job market is so bad that I have been turned off by it. I have to fight myself just to apply for a job. Which is why school is looking so good to me. I am not afraid of school nor the work. I have a small fear that I may not get in, but I think jitters like that are normal. I am just thinking about the next move.
Leaving Syracuse will be harder than leaving NYC because I will be leaving a career that I have enjoyed but, I think that now it is the time to chase a dream. I will have to, once again, go out on a limb and do this. I have learned so much this year about myself and what I will do to make myself happy, which also means taking risks. So, with the end of this year coming I will be taking one of possibly many leaps of faith in hopes that I will be rewarded in the end.