I will be honest and say that I wasn’t really sure if I was ever going to post another blog on this platform. It has been such a long time and a part of me felt that the history of this blog and everything that I wrote about just came to its natural conclusion in 2018. But now we are here in the midst of a Global Pandemic and the only thing I can do is write.

This isn’t a Random Thoughts Thursday post that I do on Facebook.  I just need to get my thoughts together because I am scared. I don’t want to get sick and I don’t want anyone I know to get sick. While I am extremely lucky not to be living in New York City anymore, living in New Jersey only postpones the type of things we are seeing on television. Don’t get me wrong, I am staying at home and I am doing the social distancing thing but what I cannot stop doing is feeding my anxiety.

There was a period of about 8 or 9 days in which I never left the apartment at all. I worked from home, I did some podcasts, binged shows, played with my cats, did Zoom calls, and spent a lot of a great time with my fiancée. All this time, still washing my hands and watching the numbers on the news go up and up. Every morning I get up and thank God that I do not have any symptoms.

When I have gone outside, I have been super careful. We did a run last Thursday because I have to be honest, she is baking all the time and I need to run all this chocolate off. We made sure to pick a route where no one else used. We live in Harrison, New Jersey,  which is a small township right outside of Newark so it seemed easy to avoid people.  Of course, there weren’t that many people outside so it was fine. The following day was so beautiful that we decided to walk to the liquor store (it’s an essential business). I bought a case fo Stella and that was my working out on Friday. The next day we ordered take out from a local place because we have to help the community during this rough time. It rained all day so there was really no one around. It was easy to grab the food and go. Today, I had to throw out the garbage and recycling and my angst kicked in so much. A fourth straight day out of the apartment and while I can say it was no more than 15 minutes. I thought to myself, I really trust no one. I passed by a guy in the hall and I thought about him being asymptomatic and now I got the Rona.

Let me just back up for a second. I am 45 years old that suffers from migraines if I do not hydrate enough. We have a Peloton bike to keep us fit. I am more of a runner so while the bike is great, I would rather be running. Here is the thing, I have been so busy at work even before the stay at home order that I wasn’t exercising as much as I should be. So now, I try my best to do that on the bike. Why am I telling you this? Because I am sore all the time now which is funny because my mind automatically thinks that perhaps I am fatigued so I must have the Rona.

Furthermore, when we come in from the outside we go into full decontamination mode. Hands are washed. Phones, keys, and credit cards that were used are all wiped down with Clorox wipes. Clothes are thrown into the hamper for laundry that was done today. Always. Washing. Hands.

So why am I so fucking shook? I am not one of these heroes in the hospitals that are seeing this up close. I am not a doctor, nurse, or paramedic who charges into this pandemic because they have to. I am just a guy who does not want to get sick then passes it on to the love of life who has asthma because some jerk is out here not taking any of this shit seriously.

This is our reality and just hope that once again tomorrow morning I will wake up thanking God because I may not have the Rona i.e. COVID-19 (the coronavirus).

One thought on “My Anxiety is Real

  1. I am finding a lot of us that thought our reasons for writing concluded a while ago didn’t really knew why we wrote till now, when it seems to be a life’s blood. This season has come, and my writing remains to make some sense of a senseless time. Glad to have you back, hate it had to be for this.

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