writing – Page 4 – Anthony Otero

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I’ve been on a mission. I’ve been driven to prove to myself that my fourth decade of existence will be better the past three. I truly believe that life should get better the older we get. I also believe that every new goal that is set should mean more than the last.

Maybe its because I’m getting older and I view life just a little differently than I did when I was younger. In any case, I want to be able to see new sites and do things that I’ve never done before (within reason…I’m not jumping out of a plane). I would like to spend more time with people who matter to me.

I also feel that when you get to point in life, second chances to do things just seem to pop up. Dead relationships come back to life and (more often then not) old relationship come to an inevitable end. Second careers are born during this time and as I look further down the road, I truly do not know what to expect. The goal remains the same: continuous writing. From there, I will see what happens.

Right now, I’m just grateful for family and friends. I love the fact that when I go somewhere with people who know me, they tell me to keep writing. I love that.

Today, I received a great gift, a reminder to never stop what I’m doing. I ran into former colleagues from Syracuse University that I haven’t seen in a long time. We connected and bonded over current success. During the conversation it was pointed out to me that despite their busy work they found time to buy my book. These are people I haven’t seen in at least 5 years. I needed that…the universe knew I need to hear that. Despite any of my struggles, there are people out there rooting for me.

That was just as good as any gift I will get today.

my life, Novel, writing

Competing with Myself

I’m not sure what it is but I’ve been feeling different lately. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve finally become comfortable with my life. Maybe I can finally see the framework of all the hard work I’ve done. Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m just getting older and all the bullshit that I wasn’t used to in my thirties I’ve, now, finally gotten accustomed to. No matter what it is, I feel that I have gotten into a positive pattern in my life that is more that just a mood.

There was a time in my life where I used to talk about why are things happening to me. I would complain about it actually. I would make these wilds accusations about how life sucks because my luck was bad. Then I realized that my bad luck has to do with lack of preparation. I also realized that I was competing with people that I know. This is not something that I openly admitted and it wasn’t something born from jealousy. It was a bit of a barometer I had in the back of my mind. Sure, bad things happen but lack of confidence and lack of true life skills combine to kick anyone’s ass if they are not prepared for it.

In my younger days I felt like I was on the defensive too much. I let things happen instead of making them happen. That was one of many lessons I learned from my divorce. Generally most men will talk about their divorce as if shit just happened without realizing that a bad marriage is like dead plant…you let it die. That was me, while I made somethings happen in my life, I was more content on watching everything else.

At some point I just got tired of that. I got tired of talking and complaining instead of just doing. I realized that by making that adjustment from letting things happen to making things happen that the bad luck I was complaining about started to change. I found myself being more prepared to deal with life. With every misfortune I parried, came many openings of opportunity that involved risk.

Now, I find myself in a Superman 3 moment where I am battling myself. The version of me that is more responsible for his actions vs the callous and less responsible me I was just a few years ago. There are things I ‘m doing to correct past mistakes and to right some wrongs. I can’t fix everything but I can try to do things better.

I’m also competing with myself creatively and professionally. I was good at my job in Syracuse so it was an adjustment to start fresh at Barnard. I’m trying to be as good as I was and, in many ways, I am better because I’m doing things I’ve never done before. But then I think about book two and how I’m going to be able to surpass myself. Hanging Upside Down is an ambitious venture for me that I’m still working on from a marketing stand point. The thing about Book two will be how different it is from my first novel. I’m trying to out do myself and it’s a bit of a challenge.

With time I’ve grown to see my duality and be comfortable with it. The only way I can be a successful as I want to be is to be better than I was. No other competition matters.

my life, Novel, poetry, writing

Fear of the Mic

Busy is four letter word. Its almost vulgar when I use it because it describes so many things that are going on in one word. Saying “I’m busy” can sound rude but it will always explain why I don’t call or write. Yet, after awhile I hate using this phrase because I think that eventually it becomes a cop out. However, I have been able to do a few things here and there that has made me think about my role as writer/author.

It shouldn’t be too much of a secret that I do not really consider myself a poet. I believe that history will show that I’m more of a fiction novelist. Poems were something that I wrote to get through some tough times in my life and it turns out I wrote more than a hundred of them. I go back in forth, in my head, about want to do about this. Do I publish them or just keep them where they are (which is buried in various blog sites)?

I personally don’t believe they are very good. Well, maybe a small number of poems are decent, but I am certainly no Willie Perdomo. Yet, the way I feel about this did not stop me from reciting one of my poems during a open mic night a few weeks ago (I prefer the word recite instead perform because performance poetry is above my pay grade, but I digress). I can blame it on the energy of the other true poets doing their thing that night but the real reason is that, in my heart, I need to learn to love the mic.

Sure, I can speak publicly. I’ve done it enough times to be used to it. I’ve done enough trainings with hundreds of students in a room, I’ve been a keynote speaker twice, I’ve moderated many panel discussions, and yet the intimidation of reading something I’ve written is real. Even when I did the book signing/reading at La Cas Azul Bookstore of Hanging Upside Down last year I felt so anxious. What if I fumble my words? What if I sound like a complete idiot?

This is when I know the fear has gotten a hold of me. With my poetry it is two fold considering that I don’t consider myself a poet. But, I did go out there that night and recited Blacktino. The feedback was positive and while I messed up just a little, I think I can do this again. The real problem is that its way too easy to decline an invitation or to simply claim that I’m too busy to go to open mic nights. Even if being too busy is true (and most times it is) I know that I have to get behind that mic.

It does feel good to share my creation, particular in poetic form. If you read the right poem with the right inflections, the room becomes yours. Maybe the real fear isn’t just the mic itself nor the the audience. Perhaps the real fear is the ability to let myself go on the stage. Is the fear there because I don’t know how to let go or is it because of the possibility that if I do learn to let myself go I may love it way too much.

So, is this what Rakim was talking about about when he says, to me M.C. means move the crowd? That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron. 🙂

Friendship, Novel, writing

The Book of Isabel #NaNoWriMo

I started writing my second novel a few weeks ago but it wasn’t until a few days ago that I really got into it. I knew after I was done with the first novel I was going to have to figure out what I needed to do in order to get this second one started because there was no question in my mind that book two was going to happen. I’ve already figured out the theme and the time in which all of this is taking place. I wont confuse anyone so I will just say that the book is about friendships and the strain people put on them.

The Book of Isabel provides some unique challenges for me. The time frame is actually in the present and the past, I wont say that there are flashbacks but more like two stories going on at the same time. Then there are returning character from Hanging Upside Down and having to delve deeper into them than we’ve already seen while introducing some new and crazy characters that will make shit very interesting. I also have the challenge of not making the same mistakes I did with the debut novel. (By the way, this is just a teaser cover…it wont look like this when it’s all done)

It’s not lost on me that this is National Novel Writing Month. I find it interesting that as many times as I’ve tried to write things in past Novembers, it’s only now that (being one book into the game) I know how to focus myself and write. So at the very least, I figured that now would be a good time to start this process again.

I also set a goal that by the time I hit 50, I should have at least 4 books to my name. It is ambitious goal but totally doable. So now it continues and with this book, in which, I had a hard time really getting into in the beginning because I was thinking too much about my current novel that came out last month. Why am I thinking about it too much? Because I am over it already. lol

What I mean by this is that I know in my heart, I’m not cut out for marketing. Sure, I can sell the book one on one. I can promote it on all my social media but I cannot make people buy it. So what should I do? I should write another book. This way I can just concentrate on what I can control. I will still work hard on promoting to people that I don’t know but for the most part if you follow me or even visit this page for the first time, then you know that I have a book out. To be honest, becoming an author was the first goal. Maybe one day something I write catches on but who really knows? I have stories I want to tell and will continue to do so.

There was also a thought that I do have a collection of poems that I have all set to publish. It will need some formatting and some direction (as well as editing) but that is something that is always out there for me. I’ve talked about this to a few people saying that it could be something I just drop in 2015 but I’m really not sure. The problem is that I do not consider myself a poet.

With all that said, I am proud that of what I’ve written thus far. I think I will be taking a emotional look at how men view friendship with men and women alike and what it means to be a true friend. While, Hanging Upside Down deals with love and sex, The Book of Isabel will go beyond that to deal with love and friendship. I personally did not know how to tell my friends that I loved them until after 9/11 but should it take something that drastic to tell someone how you care?

I dunno. I guess I will figure it out as I write it.

Novel, writing

Chapter Fourteen

In a few short hours I will be at my first New York City book reading/signing at La Casa Azul Bookstore in East Harlem. It’s interesting because I’m not really nervous. This is unlike many of the events that I work in my day job with the exception of the fact that people are coming to see me. Perhaps the lack of nerves has to do with the fact that I’ve been preparing what I’m going to read at this event.

It’s fair to say that the book is adult in nature. It’s also fair to say that I’ve really tried my best to control how the book is categorized. If you look at where the book is listed on Amazon it just says fiction but my dear friends at Apple have marked my book as Erotica. I don’t view this book as erotica at all. There are books out there in which the premise is for the characters to get down and get it in and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I would like to think that this is a story that contains sexual themes but it is certainly not porn.

Which is why I had to choose what I read very carefully because I want to show the story outside of the sexual theme. There are several chapters in the book that have no sex at all although there is extreme language in the dialogue. I combed through the novel to find just the right amount of the story I need to share that does not contain spoilers. So, what I want to do is share the excerpt of what I’m going to read for those who will not there. This is a small portion of Chapter Fourteen:

It’s about a four hour drive to New York. I prefer taking Route 17 because traffic is always lighter than using I-81 going toward Pennsylvania. It also gives me a great opportunity for some alone time. I normally set up a playlist on my iPod of random songs that range from Hip-Hop to classical music, but this time to start my drive the My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album by Kanye West. Music relaxes me while giving me time to think.

I’m very excited to see Zenia. I think about how this whole thing started. We met six years ago while she was an undergraduate student. She was member of the Latino Students Association and I attended one of their forums called The Origins of Quisqueya. It was a brilliant discussion on the relationship between Haiti and the Dominican Republic. That was the forum where we first met when her boyfriend, at the time, introduced me. It was a brief encounter and from then on, I always seemed to run into her.

We really didn’t start talking until a year later when she was a senior. She became the president of LSA and asked me to be on a panel discussion about Afro Latino Identity. This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart so I gladly accepted. Our mutual interest in Latino Heritage Month is what sparked a friendship especially since she had broken up with her boyfriend the summer prior. She would be a frequent visitor to my office, which was not all unusual since I had many students visit me. What Raina had an issue with was how often I communicated with her via text. I can honestly say that in the beginning the relationship was strictly platonic. There was nothing inappropriate being said or done, it was just a generic friendship that was forged upon mutual interests. She would date one or two guys on and off during this time.

It took me by surprise that she applied to be a Graduate Assistant for my office. The office of Student Programs consists of several smaller departments that revolve around the overall development of students outside of the classroom. My area is Diversity Engagement, which deals with the celebratory months, multicultural student organizations and mentoring. The other three areas are Events Management, Greek Life, and Student Activities. Each area is slotted to have one Graduate Assistant and it just so happened that the position that reported to me had been vacated due to graduation.

One of the most important things that I look for in a G.A. is the ability to do the job effectively. I also needed someone who could help with picking up the slack of meeting and advising undergraduate students. The reason why I hired Zenia was because of her experience as a former student leader and her general ability in computer programming and coding. I had a goal in mind that year which was to overhaul our entire website and have a multifunctional database that would match mentors with students. My previous G.A. had already started on the preliminary designs in terms of color scheme and layout but the project became too big for him to handle. The original thought was to hire a third party company or person to complete the design work, but when Zenia came on-board she expressed a desire to do it and apply it to her Masters Program in Computer Engineering.

Zenia graduated in May and because of the website being overhauled, I was able to get special consideration for her to start in July. I felt that we needed a two month head start before classes began in order to make sure we can launch the website by September and the interactive Mentoring component in January. This is when the both of us saw each other just about everyday. Our working relationship was intense and the schedule was ambitious. Raina took notice as to how increasingly busy I was especially over the summer since that time is normally a dead period. She was already convinced that something was going on.

It wasn’t until after the launch of the website that Judy pointed out that Zenia had a crush on me. I admitted to her that I found Zenia to be attractive but I never thought anything would come of it. Then one night we were chatting casually online when we starting talking about our personal lives. We got on to the subject of past loves and sex. I found myself being very curious about her and her exploits. I never understood why she was presently single. Before you know it we were flirting with each other. We began to talk about everything.

The question that came up was: Are you happy in your marriage? As much as I wanted to say yes to this, it made me think about how much of a bad husband I already was. I had a constant problem with flirting with other women. I just couldn’t get used to the fact that the moment I got married I became interesting to other women. I felt like I spent years being ignored by most women and all of sudden I was getting attention that I wasn’t used to. Years later, I would discover that I was looking for something that my marriage wasn’t providing me. But, answering that question, are you happy in your marriage, was something that I couldn’t answer with certainty.

Why was I not happy? Was it because I was too young to get married when I did? Was it that I was just an asshole who loves women so much that I craved that extra attention? Perhaps it was the fact that I miss the attention I used to get from my mother. Maybe I was looking for something more unique and real. The problem with my faux happiness was that it was killing my marriage slowly and Zenia was shooting holes right through everything by just being the bright ray of light I may have been looking for. She had a Global Warming effect on me and I just chose to ignore it.

Our affair seemed to start with an awkward kiss. We were working late one day and she was sitting at my desk typing away. She called me over to show me some values within the mentoring database. I was looking over her shoulder and I could smell her perfume. It was an intoxicating smell that almost made me kiss her neck right then and there. As we talked, we both looked at each other and I went in for the kiss. Zenia was just about to say something as I kissed her and the whole situation seemed awkward.

I pulled away and her eyes were telling me that she was shocked. She gets up and begins to leave. “Where are you going?” I ask. She replies that she just has to go. I sit down on my chair thinking about how much of a fool I am. I can hear Raina’s voice in my head: it’s only a matter of time before your online flirting becomes reality, ten cuidado. I now wanted to fix this. I didn’t want to lose her as a graduate assistant. All of our flirting gave me an indication that perhaps it might be ok, but I couldn’t be so sure.

I went home feeling terribly guilty. Raina and I had a fight that night. I’m not sure who started it, maybe I gave an attitude about something or maybe she didn’t like the fact that when she called my office Zenia picked up the line. At the end of the night I texted her:

I’m sorry. What I did was unacceptable.

She wasn’t online either. Raina went to bed upset and I just stayed in the living room watching Sportscenter. My phone vibrates and it is Zenia.

I’m sorry I walked out. It just caught me off guard. There is something I need to do now and I was unsure about it until now. I will be in your office in the afternoon around 1pm. I already checked your calendar. You have no appointments.

I wanted to text her back, but I just knew that it might not be a good thing. I should’ve known better. Zenia was stressed about school and the viability of the project in general. Now I throw my dumb ass actions into the mix. I was mad at myself because she’s one of the smartest women I know and the fact that I’m 10 years older than her and married made it worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if she quit the next day.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed that. I have a book giveaway listed here but if you want to purchase Hanging Upside Down you head here and chose the format best for you!

Thanks for the support!

my life, Novel

Today is THAT day. #hangingupsidedown

How long have I been talking about this? I feel like it has been years since I first started writing this book. Now here I am on this day to say that it’s finally out. I wrote a book and no matter what happens from this point on, no one can take this away from me.

Selecting the date was probably the hardest thing to figure out during this process. Sure, there was the writing part but that was more of me getting this story out. Editing was an adventure all in itself but the reality is all these things needed to be done by this day.

Today my book is out, officially. I couldn’t have done this on my own and I still have a lot left to do. Yes, the book is out on Amazon and on Kindle but there are other formats and venues in which I’m trying to have this book available in. Nook, iBooks, and Google Play are all on my list. Since this is my first time doing this, it’s hard to know what to expect when dealing with each provider. Ultimately, I would also like to be at Barnes & Noble but they have some requirements that I need to adhere to.

So the question that I have for myself is… now what? There seems to be endless amounts of self promotion that I have ahead of me. Each format has it’s own marketing option so when I get back from my trip to Denver tomorrow I will map on some strategies. I think I have done a great job within my circles of influence, but it is now time to step out of that. Word of mouth is only going to take me so far.

With that said, I have another book signing in NYC on 10/8 at La Casa Azul Bookstore in Spanish Harlem. I have been encouraged to do a reading from the book so we will see how that goes. The funny thing is that I have been practicing this. The hard part was selecting which pages to read that have the least amount of curses and sexual references. lol

In any case, I will have my orange sharpie (which I seem to carry with me everywhere now) to sign books for what seems to be mostly family and friends. I’m hoping to get a wide range of folks to show up. I think it will be a good time.

Thanks again for the support and keep reading.

Novel, writing

The Numbers Behind My Novel

I consider this upcoming week to the eve of my first book signing. It is quite a big deal in my world and to be quite honest, I don’t know what to expect. What I mean is that I don’t know how to act or what to write. You have to understand that I barely know what to say when I sign a birthday card. Anyway, this whole thing has made me think about the novel what is going on right now.

Here are some number that I find interesting:

There are 5 people who have the novel before I do. That sound’s crazy right? Well, it started like this, I wanted close friends, family, along with people who have helped me make this a reality to have an advanced copy. So when the book was finally ready to go, I sent certain people an email on how to purchase this advanced copy. So I also have to order copies for myself but I suppose I chose standard shipping because certain people have gotten it as early as Tuesday!

Only 8 days before my first ever book signing in Syracuse and 27 days until my NYC signing. I feel like a rookie. Do I bring my own pen? Should it be a sharpie? I have no idea what the standard is. One would think I would know this since I have worked enough book signings in my day. But the real question is, do I draw like a little symbol? I dunno. I suppose I should practice.

Since we are on this number, 8 is the amount of times I’ve read this book. Even though I have an editor, much of this was a team effort. I also wanted to makes sure that each read made sense and applied the appropriate changes I felt I need to do. With all the eyes looking at this, there are 2 major typos that I just discovered. They wont be in the ebook versions or any of the later versions if I can help it. You get a cookie if you find them. #rollseyes

Anyway, 36 is the number of chapters in the book which spans 412 pages. The solicitation will say 420 but that is counting the dedication and the acknowledgments. I always find it interesting that I wrote so much. This story started out as a short story that kept going and going.

Ultimately the only number that really matters is 1. This is the first book of what I hope to be many. I have been loosely working on the sequel to this book as well as a brand new idea that has come to me. I’ve been getting tons of support and I just hope that you all enjoy it!

Blogging, my life, Novel, writing

Dare

Writing a novel has been such a process of high’s and lows that, in a way, I would have to be a little nuts to want to do this again. Yet, that desire to continue on to another process and write until I can’t anymore has become something close to borderline obsession. Trust me when I say that I know what obsession is all about. The title and cover picture of this blog alone is based on my love for the Transformers Generation One.

Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986 and it still resonates with me because at its core there is a theme about never giving up. Sure, everything else about it is awesome from the fighting scenes to the voice actors and the amazing soundtrack. Which brings me to the title, Dare by Stan Bush. This is one of my favorite songs of the entire film. It works sequentially well with the action but the lyrics are just as powerful. Here is the chorus:

Dare, dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare, dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It’s time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Understand that I was 12 years old when this movie came out. While everyone else loves The Touch (and they should because it is iconic), I loved Dare because it spoke to me and as a matter of fact, it still speaks to me as a 40 year old. I understood then as I do now that I had to take matters into my own hands if I wanted to do something in my life and as simple that may sound, we all know doing it is extremely difficult.

I talk about fear a lot on this blog because fear can ~~stop~~ delay me from doing something. There was a time when fear stopped me from doing many things but I have learned to deal with this issue, however, it has made me think twice about myself and my novel. Not to be cliche-ish but it was time to take a stand. I knew that they only way to be successful is to take risks.

I mentioned obsession and proof of this can been seen on my Google+ account. I have been watching this movie on and off for the last two weeks. It was a huge deal in ’86 because no other animated film bases on a television series was this graphic and violent. I loved it because believe it or not it helped me deal with the concept of death and how to move past it. Why was that important? My grandmother died prior to me seeing this film.

I do remember no one wanting to take me to see this movie so I had go the Whitestone Multiplex in Bronx alone and witness this awesomeness. In many ways, I remained obsessed with the movie by waiting for it to come out on VHS and then years later, DVD. I remember buying the soundtrack on CD after I graduated college. I listen to it too much even to this day. I will mention that you may not want to watch the movie with me because I know all the words and will say them verbatim. I even reference it the novel.

Yes, I am obsessed but you know what? I dared to be this way. I dared to survive all my issues. The deaths, the divorces, the move, the disappointments, the rejections and I dared to write this novel. I’m sure in a few weeks I will stop watching Transformers and move to something like Star Wars, but I still dare to be great.

fear, my life, Novel, writing

Why Do I Always Expect the Worst?

Old habits die-hard. This is something that I have always done since my High School days, hope for the best but expect the worst. I have carried that mantra with me for decades because for the most part it has helped me deal with heart aches and breaks. While I try to view the world less cynically as I get older, I fall back to this.

Last month I mentioned that I have a publicist that is helping me get test readers. Well, that process is done and we are waiting for the feedback. Questions have been developed so that I can get a general feel about how the book was received. I had already gotten one bad review about the story’s content so I try not to take things too personal. Besides, this person liked the way I write but not the content so it wasn’t a total loss. That is also when I realized that the book is not for everyone considering that I have gotten mostly positive reviews.

So when I got my first email the other day with answered questions from a test reader, I was already thinking the worst. I can already imagine someone saying how much this novel sucks. I can imagine in getting one out of five stars on my Goodreads page. With much fear I open it and realize that it is another positive review. Then I feel silly for not having the confidence in my ability.

So why do I do this to myself? One would think that since I’m older and more mature I should be ready to handle things like this. Yet, for some reason I cringe when I think about someone rating my book. That is why I’m spending the extra time to comb through the book several times searching for errors and inconsistencies.

Where is this fear coming from? I know that it’s not real but in my mind I’m still that little kid that thinks something is living in my closet ready to pounce as soon as my parents turn off the hallway light. I know it’s not real. My mind is making all of this up. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real (yes, I looked that up).

Truth be told I think that the fear comes from the possibility being judged by the intellectuals that I know that could rip the book apart. The fear comes the family reading and thinking that I’m a bit of a nut or freak. So when it comes down to it, I am ready to be a pariah of sorts which is completely stupid and irrational. But I will be prepared for the worst while I hope for the best because past experience has taught me how to survive.

I know that my fear is very much like my book, it is fiction. However, like the fiction I write, there is some truth somewhere in the background.

fear, my life, Novel, writing

The Point of No Return

I can’t go back. I’ve pushed myself and this process to a point of no return. Despite any fear of failure that I have, I’m past the point of resignation and it’s too overwhelming to think about.

Every day is a combined feeling of angst and fear. The angst comes the fact that much of this process is a waiting game. I just want this whole thing to be over already. I want to be able to just talk about the book itself and not the process of publishing one. As an admitted over thinker, waiting just gives me room to analyze shit that hasn’t even happened yet. I can think for hours about the number of books I need to sell at a certain price to recuperate my expenses. I can painstakingly think about people rating my book publicly which means I need to prepare for the worst.

Then the fear sets in. The thoughts of not being good enough run through my skull because who in the world would like what I just wrote? I’m sure there are people out there that will hate all 412 pages of this book. The language and the adult situations I present in the book give me a little bit of a pause and I don’t even know why. Did I become a prude at this point in my life or am I afraid that people will see a side of me they never knew existed?

The point is that this book has become very personal to me. I’ve put in a lot of hours crafting a story that I think is worth telling. There is a lot of depth behind the words that I write and my fear is that any of the points that I’m making will get lost in the shuffle of the raunchiness and language that I use.

I’ve read this book six times now. Each time I think about whether I should change something here or there because I’m afraid some family member may not like a word here or an action there. I’ve successfully fought off every temptation to change the book based on how other people may feel. I thank God for those test readers. They survived the book and have given me some hope that this book might just be decent.

But this waiting game is real. I want the book and it’s appearance to be a particular way. I do not want a generic cover. I want something that reflects me and my work. Unfortunately that desire will cost me time and money.

So this is where I am. A point of no return. I can’t go back and say that this book is not going to happen. Shit, I can’t even say that I can go back to being the person I was before I even started writing it. I’m in the middle of my leap of faith. I hope I land on the other side.