family – Anthony Otero

Stay Happy

Sometimes family can give us advice that we just have to reflect on as well as follow. I had family over on Sunday for a housewarming brunch. It consisted of a lot of food, presents, and salsa music. Not to mention that the woman and I spent much of the past two weeks painting, so it was definitely a day we were looking forward to. It is also a reminder of how a big family can make any apartment seem small.

So after everything was said and done, one of my aunts told me something that I feel I need to reflect on. Most people, when they are saying their parting words to another person, would say something like stay safe or have fun. What my aunt chose to say was “Stay Happy.” I was sort of taken back by this because this is something that has never been said to me. I think she took the hint that I was a little perplexed by this and clarified by telling me that I truly look happy and I need to make sure that I stay that way.

I have to admit that this is not an appalling thing to be told, but I just found it to be oddly enlightening. We live in a world where people tend to blame others for their problems or give credit to God because he/she is the reason why all things are possible. There’s rarely a time when people think about the fact they it takes work and effort to maintain happiness. I think this is the main reason why many of us get into trouble because we are trying to find happiness as if it is a place where we can go to.

Happiness is a state of being. That is why no one person can make us happy if we do not know how to be in that state alone. This is where the list of tragic stories comes into play of people marrying the wrong people or people being stuck in dead-end jobs. There is this notion that we will eventually be happy if we follow this American dream of finding that right person, having that great job, getting a house, having 2.5 kids, and then credits roll. That rah rah shit is for the movies.

I believe that finding true happiness is a rebellious act. Think about that for a moment. How many people hate other people for being happy? This rebellious state of being often acts like a mirror to others. You can see your own unhappiness reflected back to you in someone’s bliss. Can we truly be happy for another person? Of course, but that would have to be based either love for that person or the fact there you have reached that state of being before.

I cannot describe what being happy is like but I can say that I feel free to do the things that I have a passion for and giving less of my attention to things that ultimately do not matter in the grand scheme. I believe that there is power in letting things go. There is no way that anyone of us can be truly happy if we are holding grudges or animosity toward anyone. It is unhealthy to hold that pent up negative energy toward anyone or anything. I choose to have a short memory and it has worked out for me. (Note: I can already see one of my friend’s saying he is happy all the while still holding grudges. Which does work for him but my ultimate point is the the closer to zero of amount of fucks you give will increase the likely hood that you can reach a happy state)

I also believe this state of being gives us an aura that people notice. The term “you are glowing” does mean something. With that aura comes the confidence to do the things we are meant to be doing. I thought about the fact that I simply could not really write the way I wanted to when I was in Syracuse. There were too many things that were distracting me which lead me to do just the bare minimum of what I am passionate about.

Stay Happy is an acknowledgement that I’m doing things right, but it is also a warning. People who are not used to being happy have a way of sabotaging themselves. I can tell you that I have to be careful not to fall into any traps or get too comfortable with my life. There is always work to do to make things better. While it is true that we cannot make every one happy, we can at least make ourselves happy.

cancer, family, my life

Cancer: The Bigger Picture

This is a subject that is just hard to approach. I will begin with some truths in my life right now. I have 3 family members who have or had cancer. I have 2 close friends who have or had cancer. I know there comes a time when we start thinking about our mortality but when you feel that the people who are close to you are dying, it puts a whole new perspective on life.

Last week I laid in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about death. I haven’t done this since I was a kid in the mid 80’s thinking about who was going to push the button and start World War 3. I thought about how I have very little control in my life. At any point a meteor can come down from the heavens and lay waste. Maybe some nut in North Korea is going to do something dumb and start a war that the human race cannot afford. While those are scary options, they pale in comparison to Cancer.

Thinking about all the people who just recently passed from some sort of cancer makes me rethink everything. It makes me wonder what I’m really doing in this life. This is not to sound morbid at all its just that I am forced to look at the bigger picture. What do I really control in my life? I complained about the absurdity of getting a Flu Shot. These are one of those things that I just do not trust. Who really knows what they put in shots to people and yet, I had to get one so that I could visit a relative who has a weakened immune system. I gladly took that shot because I needed to make that visit.

I realize that there is an inner part of me that is angry. This is not one of those things where I’m angry at God or at anyone in particular, it’s this thing where I realize that I control nothing. In the grand scheme of it all we are just particles of dust in the universe and we are squabbling over labels and identities. In a blink of an eye we could be taking a very long sleep in which we hope to wake up on the other side.

I came back to NYC to be with family and I feel that I am beginning to lose them just as quickly. This whole pageantry of returning to New York City seems to be so self serving. I need to evolve again to a person that sees more of the bigger picture. This is not to say that I still don’t see the world in the same way, but I also need to understand that maybe we are all just too damn sensitive. Maybe, I am too sensitive.

I wrote a public apology the other day to a person that I slighted because I was so angry with someone else. I was angry because something was done to me that I thought I could not forgive. Why? Because my writing is something that I feel I control. But, with anger comes stupidity. So now, I have to live with what I have done. Perhaps I should not have been so angry and pig headed not see that I am not angry with the person who copied my work. I am angry at the fact that I feel that I don’t do enough in the time that I have.

People will argue with me and say that I have effected the lives of many people. Perhaps I have, but I feel that I’ve not been there enough for my own family and friends. It is not easy getting older knowing that there will be a time when the receptions I will be attending will be funerals. I’m not ready for that. That is why I need to refocus and try to be with the people who matter the most.

Of course, I cannot help but wonder about what Cancer has in store for me. Truth be told I give myself testicular exams 3 times a week. I know I have a colonoscopy somewhere in my future. I have been doing my best to exercise because it is Diabetes that has effected my family the most.

I’m not worried about dying so much anymore. I’m worried about whether I can make enough of an impression on this world before I go. I’m worried if I can make an impression on my family before they go.

This Cancer thing has a really funny way of changing perspectives.

Columbia University, family, goals, health, Masters Degree, my life, New York City, NYC, The Huffington Post

Goals for 2013

I will have to admit that 2012 was really good to me. I dare say it was one of the best years that I’ve had in a very long time. While it had it’s up and downs, I attribute my changes in life to the fact that I set goals for this year. While that might be a bit cliche-ish in the realms of Higher Education, it does indeed work when a plan is laid out.

If you read last year’s post, then you will know that I no longer set resolutions for the New Year. That whole business is done. I will set 10 goals as I did a year ago and try to accomplish as much as I can. I completed 60% of my goals for 2012 and I will try to do better in 2013.

One of the things I am most proud of this year is joining the ranks of the Huffington Post. However, I haven’t written anything for them since May and it has been very noticeable to me. I need to refocus and write more Huffington Post Articles. While I personally feel that I have no excuse for the drought, I know that May was the beginning of all the major events in my life.

In general I need to write more. I have been very passive about writing for many different reasons and yet I also feel limited in the venue in which I present my blog in. I have decided that is it time for a change in websites. I plan on doing a site switch early in 2013. In the effort to gain more exposure for myself I created an additional site on wordpress that has remained unused. I will follow up on details when it become ready. I will still keep this site however.

Writing remains important to me and when my Macbook crashed, I felt very fortunate that I backed up all my writing before the hard drive had to be replaced. One of my goals that I failed to deliver in was to self publish my poetry. To be quite honest, I never had the money to do this. While I was investing in myself, I had to sacrifice a few goals. Now I need to put this back on the table and get this done.

Speaking of money, I believe I am in a great position to finally get my financial life in order. I’m making debt reduction the highest priority in 2013. All those years of owing people are done for me. I am not saying that I am making crazy amounts of money because I’m not, but I am finally comfortable with my income. Now, I can get rid of bills that have been plaguing me for awhile. One thing that a divorce does is really kill your finances and now after 3 years, I am ready to put myself in a better position.

With putting myself in a better position financially, I also have to find an apartment. My situation has always been temporary and now that the holidays are almost over, I can concentrate on this very important goal. I love Washington Heights and remaining here would be ideal, but who knows where this search will lead me. I do not want to be too far from Barnard College so being on the west side of Manhattan is critical. At the end of the day, I can live someplace that is quaint and affordable. I would like the neighborhood to be decent. I think I can manage that.

My health remains very important to me. I need to find a PCP and a dentist. I already replaced my glasses so I can check that off the list. However, the most important thing to me is to lose 20 pounds this year, preferably by the summer. This is not as vain as it sounds, while I want to plan to go somewhere warm, the idea is just to be as healthy as possible. I will admit that clothes seem to fit better on me when I do not have a gut blocking the way. I have several things planned to main my health including a 5k run.

I also need to go to some games in 2013. I am not just talking about Met games or Knick games. I am not adverse to going to Yankee games. I have not been to the new Yankee Stadium. I have not been to the Barclay Center either. I think going to sporting events is a crucial part to being a New Yorker. There are tons of things to do in this city and going to games is one of them. I am also looking forward to the All Star Game in Citifield in July and the last Big East Tournament that Syracuse will play in March.

Some how, with all this going on, I would like to start the Master’s Program at Columbia University in the fall of 2013. I am waiting for the fall because I am not sure how busy this upcoming spring semester will be. This also gives me more time to research what I need to do. I am still aiming for sociology at this point but, with all the programs that CU offers, I need to look closely at my options. I am not going to forget my ultimate long term goal of getting a Master’s Degree.

Finally, the one thing that Christmas as reenforced with me is that I need to spend more time with friends and family. I have always been that person to get caught up in what I am doing. Sure, I can multitask all day, but sometimes I seem to forget what is important. In many cases, I have a bad friend to many people or a bad cousin to others. Overall, I think I need to recalibrate the way I spend my time and with whom. I am grateful that I am with a woman who understands my need to sort of be everywhere with my family and I think there is going to more times when it seems I am spread thin, but it is family so it ends up worth in the long run. In terms of friends, my mission is to reconnect. That will mean lunches, dinners, drinks, and possibly parties…clearly this is not a bad thing.

My goal is to do 90% of the list above. That may sounds ambitious since I really want to do a 100%. However, I know from experience that life changes and shifts from month to month. I am ready for 2013 and everything that comes with.

family, girlfriend, my life, thanksgiving

Gratitude

I suppose it is a bit cliche to list the things to be thankful for but I just find myself reflecting on what seems to be a very good year for me. This year was the tipping point for me and I knew that coming into it. I felt it was a make or break year for both my career and my personal life. I am so very grateful for those people in my life that helped me achieve the goals that I set.

Much thanks goes the my buddy for buying the house. I think that everything after that was just a domino effect. I wasn’t entirely sure that I was going to be able to pull it off but I did. I am certainly glad that I took the risks that I did, but it was the encouragement and the willingness to understand how hard things were that made selling the house to a good friend worth it all.

I am thankful for Syracuse University. Even though my employment has ended there, I can still feel the people that I used to work with and their words to me. If it wasn’t for SU I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I am good at my job because I was good there first and I was given the room to fail while still learning.

I am also so very thankful to Barnard College for the recent employment opportunity. They clearly saw things in me that other institutions decided to pass on. In the few short months there, I have learned so much about how small schools work. I am thankful for the lack of red tape that I have grown so accustomed to. More importantly, I’m glad that I am able to be back in New York because of them.

Being back home has made me realize how much I have missed family. I know that being home means I get to see them more often depending on work schedule. Now that the holidays are here, there will probably be a plethora of visits being made and a number of times that my presence is being requested. I am very grateful for that because not many people can have a big family.

I am also grateful for my dad who was like my own personal council. He may not have agreed with all the decisions that I have made this year but we can both agree that the outcome has been a long time coming. I am thankful for his presence in my life.

Right now, my life would not be anywhere near as complete if it wasn’t for my girlfriend. I am thankful that despite everything that we have been through, fate chose this particular time for us to be together. I am very doubtful that I would have been able to deal with the move and the lack of any finances if it wasn’t for her. Everyday I am thankful for her in my life.

Finally, I want to thank those of you faithfully read this blog. I am glad I am able share my experiences with you. I hope, in some way, you have been able to come with me on this journey of mine. I wish all you all a great Thanksgiving.

Dominican Republic, family, my life

Prodigal Son

Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith. I have noticed that family has been on my mind for quite sometime now because of my trip to the Dominican Republic. Clearly, I have done a lot of introspection before and after this trip.

I am emotional. I know that. This has been my issue for awhile now, that I cannot control them. Granted, most people do not see it as much and that is the way I prefer it. I rather hide behind my humor and sarcasm. In fact, I rather people think I am distant. When I was in the Dominican Republic I saw something else besides true love, I saw family. Yes, mi familia was there and so was the bride’s and what I saw was how a family should be. So I caught myself being pensive at times.

I recognize that I strive to be things that my parents are not. My dad is impatient and my mother is irrational. These are two things that I work on the most when deal with people in general. However, both of my parents are emotional, which is why I believe their divorce took so long because neither wanted to give in a inch to the other all based on emotion.

As I have gotten older I have lost more control over my feelings in general. I try not to take many things personally and I do believe in forgiveness and the ability to let go. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had some issues with my mother. We have had trouble seeing eye to eye since I was 16. Compound that with a messy divorce and my need to rebel and we both have years of just not speaking to each other. I can sit here and tell you that this is all her fault but I am not doing to do that. I know that I have my faults to.

Over that last few month and leading into this month I have slowly been letting my mother back in. The reason being that she is not getting any younger. I feel that I have enough mother figures in my life that I may not really need to have her in my life, but I may need to be in hers. In many ways I feel that I am the prodigal son returning…again.

I often say that there is no manual for being married, well it is the same thing for being in a family. While I sat at the wedding reception in DR, I noticed all 96 of the brides family members (exaggerating) party and act like a family. Maybe that is their public face but they put on awesome show of unity. My family does not do that unless someone dies.

Having a discussion with one of my cousins, we feel that it is younger generation of our family that may be the ones to teach the older folks what family means. I see where my family is heading on both parents side. I am not saying that things are disastrous but, what I am saying is that we are blood. We are bound by the fact that we are indeed related. While, we cannot save everyone, we can preserve what family is. I think that is what is lost these days when we talk about people losing their sense of history. It all starts with family passing down stories, traditions, and language. If you do not have that then what do you have?

If I am truly going to have kids, as many of you seem to believe, then what foundation can they root themselves in if they do not have family behind them? Forgiveness does not mean forgetness (I made that up) but it does mean letting go in order to move on.

car trouble, Dominican Republic, family, la bomba, my life

La Bomba

Right now, I have several stories in my head about this week that I am not sure where to begin. I will talk about this drink that I was given to settle my stomach called “La Bomba”. But, before I get there and say why I need the drink in the first place, what needs to be understood is that what people really do not talk about when taking trips to places such The Dominican Republic is that our American bodies are not prepared for whatever bacteria or micro-organisms we may encounter. So I am here to say that one can get very sick when drinking the water.

As I mentioned, we were in a resort so they do have bottled water and tap water that the bars serve you that is said to be “filtered”. There is even a sign in the bathroom of the hotel room that says to no drink the water. So, being that I have been to Cancun before and have gotten sick, I was sooo not going to drink the water. Here is the problem…most of the drinks are made with ice. Now, when I say I drank everyday…I am not kidding. I now have people who will no longer drink with me because I got them way too drunk.

The two days leading up to the wedding as well as that beautiful day, I was fine. I was knocking them back and I was eating just about anything. Most of the time I was either having Vodka and Cranberry or just Mojitos. The night of the reception was crazy! The place we went to (which the name still escapes me) has mojitos served as a part of the cocktail reception before dinner. So by the end of the night, I think I had about 6 and had 2 shots of Tequila (one of which was a double). I am feeling very good. We went to a club in which I drank more and then I was hungry of course. We ate at a buffet and then I passed out in my room.

The next morning I wake up. I am fine. I am in my bed and mi prima (cousin) is in hers. I get out of bed and my stomach was like…no puedo. I went to the bathroom and felt better. I go to breakfast and I notice that not only can I not eat…but smell of the food is make me queasy! So I am not like…No..tell me that on my last full day in the Dominican Republic I am going to be sick. I have one pancake and some cafe and I head back to the room.

When I sit down or lay back. I am fine. I feel no pain. When I stand it is like my stomach begins to lose the battle against gravity. I thought about how I can be smart about this. Eventually this will pass. If I lay by the beach I will fine. I can just get some sun and I will still be able to relax. So I do that and I have a nice tan to show for it. I find out that my two cousins are sick too. The one I am rooming with and the brother of the groom…and they are worse off than me.

So after the beach, mi prima and I head toward the lobby of the resort where we meet up with her sister. She tells us that the brother of the groom had a drink called “La Bomba.” This was something that one of the staff recommended to drink in order to settle our stomachs. That did not sound too bad. I figured we would just take this home remedy and we will be fine. We order it and the bartender knew what it was of course. He makes two. It was a small drink in a small glass and it look RED…like skin of the devil red. It had pieces of herbs floating in it. This was not looking like such a good idea. This was going to taste horrible! So we decide we are going to knock it back and hold the breath while doing it!

The best way I can describe this taste is if you could liquefy a few old pennies and drink them…the taste would be spot on! I never tasted anything so nasty in my entire life. For what it was worth…it seemed to work, but only up until a certain point. As the night went on, I felt somewhat stable but my cousins got worse. Mi prima bought some pepto and we took shots of that. Not even 5 minutes after that she was turning colors. She had to back to the room where she did not do so well. I went to check on her later and she explained how she may have lost some wait because she was hugging the toilet most of the night.

I am scared now. I am hearing stories of other people getting the chills and sick for like a day. I have not gotten any of that. Just stomach cramps! I got up this morning after after barely sleeping because of my bathroom trips and I told myself that I can make it through this flight! I will have to will myself to not use any bathroom until I get home to New York.

Ok…so I am good for most of the morning. We are flying out of Santo Domingo so he have to take shuttle there. It is a 90 minute ride. I make it. We get to the airport and I feel the stomach churning..damn it! So I am plotting on how I can get to the men’s room before the flight leaves. We get all check in. I head to the terminal. One of my other cousins asks if I wanted food. I just give her this scowl and say…”my next meal will be on American soil”. At this point I am eying the bathroom at the terminal. Then I hear my name through the PA. Something in Spanish about I need to see security…wtf!

So the people at the gate are telling me that they cannot identify something in one of the bags I checked. I am thinking about the mini statue I bought that was super wrapped. So, knowing I have no bombs, I wait for them to come get me. My flight is at 12:10 and it is now 11:50 and they have yet to get me. Half the plane has boarded already! I am getting nervous and my stomach is hating me more and more. So this guard comes to get me and two other guys.

I am held in this glass chamber where they bring the bags out. I noticed that the bag they are talking about for me is my small bag that was nothing but shoes in it. I am struggling to remember if I put anything extra in there. They run the bag through the machine and all I see are shoes. They see something different. So they open that shit up and check my shoes! This guy had his fingers all up in the lining of my new shoes! I am looking at him like…really? I gave up my bathroom session so he could finger the soles of my shoes…ugh!

Clearly they found nothing! But I had to board the plane and I did. Plane ride was smooth and my stomach behaved. We get off and go through customs. Delta’s bag claim took forever! I was there for an hour. My brother picks us up. I go to my mom’s where the house is filled with more family! So we had to talk and mingle and eat! All the while I am like…I really need to go.

So I pack the car…and I go to turn it on…that shit is dead! WHY IS MY CAR DEAD? Ugh! So I had to have my bother jump it. Turns out someone left the lights on in the car. I left it at my mom’s all she had to do was move it. I can only guess she left the dome light in the car on.

I finally get my car started…and drive to mi tia’s… She welcomes me and I told her I would love to talk to her…but I need to use the bathroom…

Dominican Republic, family, my life

Isla Bonita

From the moment I got here all I have done is drink. Before you think I am a lush and that I am drunk all the time, it is really not that serious. However, the atmosphere is just surreal. In my short time here, I like what I see and hear. I will keep in mind that I am at a resort, so I feel like I am in a remote and secluded section of the island.

I cannot complain though. I am having a good time and it has been hard enough not to write anything because I have been so very busy with family. I must say that it is wonderful to see family. It gave me a warm feeling inside my chest to see people I have not see in a long time. I was able to spend time with dad as well.

I have taken many pictures and I will continue to do so. My cousin’s (brother) wedding was beautiful. However, it was so hot in the church. It was about 87 degrees and I had a full suit on. We were at Casa de Campo. It is a great area that has an awesome view and one can tell that there is some historic value there. I will have to read up on it. This was a traditional Catholic Latino wedding. There was the mass, the candle lighting, and the scripture readings. I just soaked took it all in. I know there were a few times that I just sat there thinking if I would ever do this…would I even get married.

The reception was at a very classy place (the name escapes me) and I will have to admit that Dominicans know how to have a good time. This was the first time that I have been at a reception and was not even remotely bored.

I will say that I think I have drank enough to last me for weeks. I think my Bachata dancing has gotten much better, although I am not 100% comfortable dancing with a Dominican woman. I will need to work my way up to that. I have also gotten plenty of sun, which I needed. Syracuse does not provide much sun and if you have ever been in the Caribbean, you will know that there is nothing like Caribbean sun.

I did promise my cousin (brother) that I will write him and his bride a poem. It is within me and once I finally get settled (which may be when I am back in Syracuse) I will let this poem loose. I fly back to NYC in the morning.

I will miss this place (By the way, I have had Madonna’s Isla Bonita in my head all weekend)

expectations, family, New Year, reflections

Expectations… (Happy New Year)

“Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.” – Brian Tracy

There is one final thing that I feel I need to adjust in my life. That would be expectations. I know that what I have come to expect of people over the last year and maybe even over the last decade has been to treat me with the same regard and reverence as I treat them. I have come to realize that this is an unrealistic expectation. I may be expecting too much of people.

Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself to think that having faith in people is the best way to go. Now, don’t get what I am saying wrong. I am not becoming this anti social person that would rather be alone. The point I am trying to convey is that trust in people is something that needs to be earned and not given out freely. I think I have done that once too often.

On the other hand, I think that I have come to expect less of family than I really should. Because of my issues, I have come to expect the worse out of people that I am related to. My experiences has always led me to put up a wall when it comes to members of mi familia. There is something twisted about the fact that I may be able to trust or have faith in those who are not related to me rather than trust blood relatives.

My expectations of people simply need to change. Not everyone will have my true intentions at heart. 2010 will be a big year for me in terms of family and it is time that I start thinking about things differently. So far during this vacation, I have been very surprised about how family have dealt with me and my current situation. Where are I thought there would be judgment, there was acceptance. I realized that I should not be surprised when family accepts me.

When it comes down to it, I have to look out for myself now. I have some pretty awesome people in my life but I cannot expect things from anyone. I need to continue to pull myself up when things get rough. I would be lying if I said that I was not scared about what tomorrow will bring. Once I get back to Syracuse, my life becomes real again. There are certain actions and choices that need to taken and made. I am very scared, but it is time to man up.

Not only will it be a new year, but it is a start of a new decade. I plan on starting it with hope. I am throwing all my expectations out the window accept for one. I expect from myself to be a better man. I have my goals in place for 2010. I will be as aggressive as I need to be in order to meet my own expectation. Would I like help? Sure. Do I expect it? No. The only thing I need is for people to have enough faith in me as I have in myself.

Happy New Year!

Dad, family, fate, forgiveness, letting go, love, scars

We All Have Scars

I wanted to write about this yesterday, but with it being Thanksgiving, it would not have been a subject that is, in my mind, appropriate. I realize that one of the topics that I have dealt with on this blog has been fate. Another topic has been forgiveness and those who have the power to do it. Clearly, I have my views on the subject matter and I do not expect everyone to agree with me. One person who does not agree with me on subject of forgiveness has been my father.

We can have long discussions on this topic and will end up agreeing to disagree. As everyone knows I believe you need to forgive people (and yourself) in order to move on with anything in your life. To me, it is about the ability to let go of the past. A good friend of mine quoted me a poem, so will still this quote from her: Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. I am one to truly believe that there are things that you need to just let go of.

While having this debate with my dad, he brought up something interesting that I had not really thought about (he tends to do that). When bad things happen to people weather it is physically or emotionally, these “things” tend to leave it’s mark. We all have scars on our bodies and on our hearts. The thing about physical scars is that those heal after time, but yet you can still see them and will always be reminded of how you got them. Emotional scars tend to work the same way. While you may not see them, they will always be there and will never be forgetton…but they do heal.

My dad is not one to believe that time heals old wounds and I wonder if he thinks people can change (I will have to ask him). He told me that he has been burned more times than he cares to remember and will never put himself in a situation where we will be burned again. I will say that my father is a good guy who has constantly given people the benefit of the doubt. However, too many people have taken advantage of that and he has become less trusting of people in general. Of course, it is only worse when family is a part of that equation. So, forgiveness is pointless in many cases to him. If you had the nerve to burn him once (and is some cases twice), he will never allow you to do that again. He has been scarred and will never forget that.

I look at things a little differently. I have a few scars on my body. I know how I got all of them, most of which I got because I was being careless. While I remember them, they do not effect me; I just know that I was young and stupid. My physical scars do not prevent me for taking risks however, I am not trying to get anymore scars so I know to be careful with any activity. One thing that I can say about all my scars was that I allowed them to heal. I rarely picked at them because it would only make things worse when it comes to the healing process.

With that being said, my emotional scars are a lot to bear. I have scars from childhood through high school. Those scares have effected me and yet, has given me the strength to be what I am now. I also have scars for the careless things I have done to myself and other people. What I have found is the forgiveness has helped me heal those wounds. Forgiving someone does not mean you are giving them a pass to scar you again, it just stops us from picking at old wounds.

Let me inject a little fate here. Everything and everyone has a purpose in our lives. Getting scarred by others is a part of life. We learn from them. Sometimes the people who scar us are the most are the ones we love the most. Those scars make us the people we are and since we never know what the future holds, we never know if a scar we received in the past was meant to happen in order for us to be strong in the future. I think we all need to be hurt so that we know how to love. I am referring to the story of the perfect heart.

Ever time I read that story I think about how we all have to fail before we can succeed. None of us are prefect and we really should not expect perfection from anyone else. The number one answer has always been to cut off those people who hurt us but, does that really solve the problem or does the put a bad aid on the wound? There are people and situations that we need to face and things that need to resolved because in reality, emotional scars are very hard to heal without a resolution of some kind.

We all have those people that we will never speak to again. I have a couple of people who are on that list. It is hard to forgive people. I know that. But, holding on to things from the past makes it difficult to move on. We are not in control of the future. So once again, let go of the wheel...

Blogging, family, fate, New York City

Monday Musing in NYC

5 days ago. That was the last time I have posted something on here. I have quietly promised myself that I would write an entry every day this week while I am in New York. Believe it or not I have a lot of time on my hands because it turns out that my aunt’s house is being renovated. The living room, in particular, is being turned redone so in basic terms: I have no TV. Which is ok, I can deal.

I brought down my notebook so that I can write any poems that seem to come to mind more often than ever these days. I normally write them down on paper before I type them on here. But, in either case, I have some reflections to do regardless. Unless, my emotions pull me in a certain direction, I think I will focus on family this week. I think this will be sorta like a “dry run” for Christmas and a precursor to my eventual move in 2010.

People have been asking me what am I doing for Thanksgiving and I would answer that with the usual, “I don’t know.” However, I think that deep inside me I already know that I am going to see my mother. At this point, it only makes sense. I just don’t know exactly what I am going to do yet, but I am sure I will figure it out.

As I write this, I already have another poem swirling in my head. I realize that I am becoming a person that I didn’t foresee myself being. I feel kinetic in a sense. I get emotions and feelings built up inside of me and I feel the need to pour it on paper. I wonder why I could not do this before, but it seems to happen quite often now. So I am very glad I brought down my book. I just feel that my poems are too short, but at the same time I am not trying to write the Iliad or the Odyssey.

The job search is proving to be tough. Most of the positions that I see I am over qualified for. I could be the boss. But, I am not discouraged. I know that something will come up. I feel that I have people looking out for me as well. I will also be real and say that I have only put my foot in the water. I have not dove all the way in yet. I wanted to test the waters and see what is out there. I do have a plan to be very aggressive starting January 1. I have applied to a few places and we will see what happens. Gotta let Fate take the wheel.