Is Monogamy Dead?

thisishowyouloseher

It has been a long time since I have written anything about relationships. Most of my entries have been when I was single and newly divorced. So when my woman and I were talking about how monogamy seems to be something in the past, I knew that was my opportunity to really write about something about men and woman as I once used to.

I have been in a book club for about 2 years now, maybe a little longer, and we have read many things. Last month the choice was This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz. I’m not quite done with it yet (I know…it was LAST month’s book), but there are some major themes here about relationships. Clearly the title gives a hint about what this book will be about and I will try not to talk too much about the contents of the book so that you can read it for yourself.

One question that may pop into your mind when reading this book may be, “Is Monogamy dead?” The book is a series of short stories that are about the different ways a man can fuck up his relationships. One can go deeper and say these are different ways a Dominican man has fucked up this relationships. Which ever case it may be, it leads to serious thoughts about the thought process of a man and how he perceives the women he loves and the women he cheats with.

As I read the book, I do not view myself in any of these scenarios. Another words, I personally do not believe that this is a representation of every man. I do, however, think that it describes many guys and how they think about love and life. What we see here is that the man in the stories often loves the woman he is in a relationship with but still chooses to go and cheat anyway (knowing that it is wrong). Some reasons for this are stated and others are ambiguous to suggest that some times men do not even understand the things they do.

Thinking about real life outside the context of this book, we are subjected to constant stories about divorce. Normally, it is on the Hollywood scene where marriages seem to last less than 2 years, but realistically, divorce has always been on the rise. What is the reason for this? Is it that monogamy is slowly become a thing of the past? Clearly I cannot answer these questions because I truly do not know. However, I do feel that the world is a lot less smaller than it once was. I also think that women are more empowered to make critical decisions about their life and their mates.

This is not say that Feminism has killed marriage. Nor is it to say that it is always the man that is fucking up the relationship (although we do not do ourselves any favors). I think we have more choices than people did 100 years ago. Strictly speaking, I am referring to life within the United States and I can tell you that this country is all about about choices. Women are career oriented with goals that include being as successful as possible. Their grandmothers never had that ability. Many times we look at the elderly who have been married for like 50-70 years and we are all wonder how in the world did they do that. Many people say it is true love. I think it might be true tolerance.

The older generations didn’t believe in divorce as much. I am quite sure there were a number of indiscretions that men have had in which his wife just dealt with it. That is not the case any more. Women can choose not to deal with it and find another mate. The reality is that monogamy is billed in the country as something we need to attain and retain because family values are part of the American Dream. Think about that for a minute. Most people are looking to get married, get a house (or condo), have 1.5 kids, and a pet. Nothing at all prepares us for divorce.

With that being said, my own divorce was something that I take much responsibility for. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in monogamy, it was that I was too immature to really embrace it. This is what really lies within the center of man. There was never a point where I told myself that I would have to deal with being with the same women all my life. I never freaked out about that. However, for some reason, I always knew that I would eventually get a divorce. I was just lying to myself about it. I always had a feeling there would be a wife number 2. Perhaps that was my experience with the rampant divorce in my family, or maybe it was something deeper.

Does this mean that monogamy is dead. I don’t think so. I can go on Facebook right now and point out at least 15 -20 couples who seem genuinely happy. Those people who have been either married longer than I was or perhaps seem more together than I ever was. I think that monogamy is still there, we just tend to focus on the divorces and the break ups. Yes, men are assholes but that has to do with our own issues that women can’t really fix until men are ready to be fixed.

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10 Days

This is just crazy. I am excited to be starting a new chapter. I am sad to say the goodbyes that I know I have to say. I am scared to see what happens after all this done. I love the fact that everything is changing.

Mixed emotions is something that I am feeling at the moment. Everything that I have been fighting for is finally coming to fruition and I all I am thinking about is just closing the book on this place. I feel like I am living the last few episodes of a long running sitcom that has been on the air for 11 years. I get that familiar feeling when Cheers closed or when Theo graduated from college in the Cosby Show. You want to cry but that wouldn’t be right because (even though it is a show) you know that life goes on.

In 10 days I will be home and I’m not really sure that people really understand what that means. I have been like a prodigal son in may ways. I left NYC with the idea that I would never come back. Being in my mid 20’s trying to make it was difficult and I left because I couldn’t succeed in my hometown. I had this delusion that I would stay in Syracuse and live the American Dream. There was always that pull for me to return home even though the relationship with my mother became worse before it ever got better. For all my failures at love and life, I achieved greater successes at many of the same things

Now, I coming back home with things being so different. My life is not the same as when I left. I feel smarter and wiser because I learned from past mistakes. I’ve learned how to forgive and I’ve learned how to sacrifice. Most importantly, I have learned how to love. I’ve grown to love myself and appreciate the world around me. I do love Syracuse and I will truly miss everyone that I have had so much contact with.

Before I started taking the things off my walls in my office, I kept thinking about the many students who have seen my office for what I hope it was…a place to feel welcome. The Puerto Rican flag, being the first thing that many students see, represents my commitment to all students about being proud of what I am and never being afraid to show it. I had to take pictures of it for prosperity. If I am lucky, I will have a similar set up at Barnard College.

As joyous as I can be about leaving, sometimes moving means making hard decisions. In many ways I want to start a new life or “volume” when I get back home. I find myself getting rid of things here and there and selling other stuff. However, the most difficult decision is to leave my dog, Rocky, here with my ex-wife. He does belong to her too and I know this is the right decision for him. He is getting older and needs a person who will love him and care for him in ways that I may not be able to. Out of all the things I have had to do during this transition, I will tell you, this is the hardest. It almost breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to Rocky…

But, like everything else, I will deal with that moment when it happens. My students mean the world to me as well and I hope they know that. I am just glad that everyone has been understanding that this is not really a goodbye, not this small world of email and Facebook. I will treat this more as a “see ya later.”

Poem: Starlight

Space
and time
miles away
all things
in between
physical gaps
are obstacles
that are overcome
one challenge at a time
at the end
of it all
is her

A star
the light of my life
A star
the shines bright
from long distances
that warms
the very skin
that contracts
making follicles
stand to attention
when she is in my presence

My star
that I follow
that lights my way
when I am in the dark
My star
that shines 4 times
brighter than any other
i bask in it
and travel toward it
wanting her starlight
as much as she wants me
because we share
the space
the time
the miles

I am the Moon
to her stars
and she is the stars
to my Moon
together we are
a part of something bigger
and yet apart
by miles
space
and time
which is just an obstacle
but the path through it
that is shown
through her starlight

Love and Balance.

Yes. I know… It has been a long time. Work has been incredibly busy over last few weeks and it has been difficult to get a moment to write. Now that I am currently in New York City for Thanksgiving, I think that I now have the gumption to write whatever comes to mind. This is a bit of a free write because I need to get back to it. I need to get back on the writing tip because it can be so easy to get off that ride.

I have to say that I have my groove back. I have finally got my love life in a place where I want it to be and it is fantastic! When I started this blog in 2009, I was not sure where I would be. I was looking at failed marriage and began to believe that being in a good relationship was something that I may never achieve, but when the world is looked upon negatively, the thought of anything good does not surface. 
I finally had the privilege to post my relationship status on Facebook and while that sounds kind of cheesy it is actually a big step. The start of a new relationship is always a big deal after the ending of an old one, especially if that end was a divorce. It makes the process of moving on and living a life of happiness complete. Not everyone moves on to another relationship after a marriage because it is not as easy as one would think. There is the battle to get over oneself. We all have issues and the thought of sharing those with someone else can be almost unbearable for some.
As for me. I feel like an adult. I know that sounds weird coming from a 37 year old man, but I have been surviving what I once considered a mess of a life. There are parts of my life that I still need to rectify but those take time based on financial issues. Yet, I survive because I watched my dad survive. I learned from him how to deal with life when it gives you lemons. I am very close to my goals and any forward movement toward them feels like a battle won.
What has really makes me feel good is the support that I get from friends and colleagues. They see the passion I have to move back to NYC and the love I have for the woman in my life. All the dues that I have paid to the universe in the form of both good and bad karma has seemed to make me very fortunate. I find myself developing my personal relationship with God. I pray from strength when I need it because I know that I need to achieve my hearts desire, I do not expect it handed to me. I pray for strength because I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being afraid of failing. So I battle through it all because I am determined to make it.
Then there are the people that who do not support me. Those who look like the could be a friend but really criticize me when I am not around. I know they exist and I also have a general idea who they are. I want to thank them because their comments and negative provides the rest of the fuel that I need to motivate myself. I have not been one to subscribe to the notion that I have haters, but all adults who strive for the best have them. I still do not pretend to be a perfect man and I will continue to make mistakes but the negativity makes it easier to give less than a f*ck about what people think.
I will strive to finish what I start. I want to live in harmony with my various worlds in sync. I want my professional life to be as good as my love life and my family life to be just as good as my social life. I am looking for balance and I think I have completed that first step.

Boys Need to Know How to Talk/Treat/Love… a Woman.

I decided today that I need to do a workshop. This workshop will be about how young men talk to ladies. While this is not exclusively a problem with “boys” (because we all know that there are men of any age that feel they can say anything to a woman and think it is ok), I will limited this workshop to just young men preferably in college. Let’s face it, that is what I am used to dealing with.

I do not pull punches with the young men I deal with. I have called many out on their shit. I have called a few hoes, I have told some to straighten out and leave the girls alone. I have hurt feelings and was even accused of telling one student that he wouldn’t graduate (which is not what I said). The problem is that too many people coddle young men and assume because they are in college that they know what they are doing when they don’t.

Furthermore, I need to say that I am not a perfect man. I have made mistakes with women in the past and I will probably continue to do so in the future. So if you are the type to think that I am a hypocrite for giving advice on how to talk to or treat a woman even though I am divorced, can simply stop reading. Life is all based on trial and error and those with glass houses can just kiss my ass.

Now where was I? Yes…what I have noticed is that many young men I have run into feel that they are God’s gift. This is something that makes me laugh because at 18-21 you are barely mature enough to understand a woman of the same age. Not to mention that society has changed over the decades and we are generally dealing with kids from single parent homes, so the father figure is not always there to set boys straight. This is not to say that assholes are only bred from a lack of a father, but it does not help. Peer pressure and a group mentality doesn’t help either in the mind set of a young man.

There was a point in my life in which I did not know how to talk to girls and it bothered me. Sure, I looked like a nerd and was skinny with big ass glasses but, I always felt I had more to offer than the other idiots in High School. When I was living with my mother, I could never feel comfortable enough to ask how to a approach a woman, I was just never that close to my mom. However, when I chose to move in with my father it was because I wanted to know how to be a man. He was the one that told me everything I need to know…and he still puts me in my place when I do something dumb.

As I continue, I will generally use boys and young men in the same way. I call them boys because we are not living in my father’s generation where kids of their age had full time jobs or went into the service. I am also talking about young men of color. Latinos and African Americans can have similar ways of dealing and treating a woman. I guess listening to what is now being deemed as hip hop and watching reality television have given boys the impression that women are objects. This is not to say that hoodrats (hoes, for the ebonic impaired) do not exist but that does not give any boy a reason to treat a woman any less than what she is.

I will say that I cannot fit all this information in one blog entry but I can try to be as concise as possible. So there are a few things that boys should realize when dealing with women:

1. Listen to a woman. Listen to everything she says. Don’t sit there and pretend to be interested in what she has to say. If she is taking the time to talk to your silly ass then that is because she is generally interested in you. Make sure that you pay attention to her. It is better that you just shut up and not say anything dumb. Why? More men have lost the chance to have sex because they said something profoundly dumb. A woman knows whether she wants to have sex with you within the first two minutes of meeting you.

2. Never…and I mean NEVER compare her ass or any of her body parts to anything. It is not a plum or a prune. It is not a delicacy and you do not want to taste the sweet nectar of whatever because let’s face it, you are young and the only thing you really want to eat is a burger. Save the words for poets and if you are one then make better comparisions. Most guys who say shit like this only show their lack of intelligent ways of complimenting a woman and her attributes. If she is beautiful then say it.

3. She is not your possession. I love when guys believe that the goods really are his. A woman’s body is a temple. Her mind is her own and if she doesn’t not want you then why force her to tell you 3-4 times over text? If you fucked up and did something wrong, then you need to get over that.

4. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint! There is no reason to rush an interaction with any girl. If she is fast and you are into fast women then that is what you should stick to, but do not think all women are the same. For the most past, women at age of 18-23 are smarter then boys. They have already heard about you and what you have done and what you are capable of. The less restraint you have the more likely that you will be labeled as a man whore or perhaps some angry girl will just put you and your lack of manhood on blast all over Facebook.

5. Never tell a woman anything over text that you are not willing to say to her face. This is a general rule for anyone but since this “guide’ is meant for boys, this is a warning. Don’t try to be something you are not over a social medium because you will only be revealed as the idiot you probably are.  Be nice, be sweet…yes, I have said in that past that women are crazy, but we actually love that crazy (you are just too young to handle it).

6. This is my final point. Trust is the only thing a woman has to measure you by. Violate that and your life will never be the same with her. Trust me on that. This is the golden rule.

I will maintain those six points for now. I am hard on young men of color because I believe they can be better than what they are. Of course, not all boys are idiots but, most are. I have to admit that women are complicated and just think differently. To boys, that is hard to deal with, which is why being the asshole is so much easier. But here is the thing…karma is a bitch.

Regret vs. Remorse



Don’t you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone! – Saito (Inception)

In my last post, I mentioned that I do not have any regret in my life. That is because everything that has happened has happened for a reason. I do not live in the past in order to find solace or answers because my life is what it is. I know that my experience have shaped me into who I am right now. The question that I got yesterday was…do I feel remorseful for all that has gone wrong? Well, yes I do. But, there is a difference between remorse and regret.

If I regretted anything then that would make it very hard to live for the moment and plan goals for the future the way I do. Remorse is more of feeling bad due to a sense of loss. Trust me, I lost a lot. I have lost a marriage and a certain way of life. That itself was so hard to deal with for such a long time but, all things get better with time. It is my opinion that regretting the end of my marriage would mean regretting getting being married.

I am a culmination of my experiences. A total of my decisions made and not made. I cannot think about “what ifs” because there is no point. Of course, there is the fantasizing of what could have been, but many times that may hinder life in the moment. Perhaps it is better to just believe there are millions of parallel earths where anything that could have happened does happen. Which means that the reality that we live in right now is the one we need to deal with.

I do not want to live a life of regret. That would just not be the way to go. We all have peaks and valleys in our experiences. A life without issues would frankly be boring. There is nothing to learn if we did not have stress to overcome. It is ok to remorseful for a loss of a love, a loss of a job, or a loss of a dog (I still think about Rusty and I still, to this day, cry just a little bit…). But regret? Where does that get me?

I love the fact that I have had the experience I have had. I have been in love so many times and have had my heart broken many times. I have lived through the horror of 9/11 first hand. I have survived rolling my car and totaling it. I have seen the beauty of a glorious sunset in places that are not in this country. I have pulled people from a car wreck. I have let people cry in my arms and I have cried in others. How can I regret living a life that allows me to express my emotion through writing?

I am not saying I do not have a heavy heart. I love hard. I just could never love right. I am trying to use every last bit of experience to do things the right way. So, I can love my family the right way, so I can love Rocky the right way, so I can love the next woman the right way, and maybe…just maybe..if I get lucky enough, I can love a child the right way.

See, I cannot regret my past. Everything and everyone has played a critical role in my life to get me where I am today. So that I can love myself and have the courage to go out and get what I want from life. So I do feel remorse for what was, but I cannot let that feeling own me because then that would lead to regret for what could have been.

I am not saying that I need to forget the past but I refuse to let it own me.

“I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.” – Cobb (Inception)

Projections (Inception)

“Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.”

One thing that I have always been fascinated with are dreams. I feel that this is the one thing that I have always had in my life. When I was a kid, most of my dreams were outlandish and vivid. I also feel that I have had more nightmares as a kid than normal dreams. In taking dream courses in college I have learned a few things about how the mind works when sleeping. I really believe that the answers to all of personal problems are locked away inside for us to figure out. Our subconscious feeds us these answers bit by bit until we can understand.

I have been a bit obsessed with the movie, Inception. I do not plan on shedding details for those who have not seen it, I will say this, to me, Inception is a must see movie. Sure, there is a lot of action and the special effects are off the chain, but the concept of the movie is what gets me. Essentially, we are talking about the birth of ideas and human thoughts. Do most of these things manifest themselves through dreams? I am not really sure but how many times has someone has said, “sleep on it” before you make a decision? Perhaps there was a time when a situation became clearer after a nap.

Dreams are just as important as sleep itself. We always dream. Many people will say they do not dream, but that is not true. We do dream but our minds do not always remember them. I know that I have come accustomed to interpreting my dreams and the dreams of others but, only we know the true meanings of our dreams if we break them down. The funny thing is that we may dream of specific people but dreams are rarely about specific people. Often times, the people we dream about are projections that represent something else, we just need to figure out what that is.

Projections and the acting of projecting are psychological in nature. In dreams, we project our own characteristics and natures onto other people. So we may see them for what they really are or what we may want them to be. Other times they are just a mirror looking back at us and portraying the things we least like about ourselves.

What makes projections unique is the fact that we can do this when awake. I have often talked about the ability that people have to lie to themselves. When people project their fears and undesirable qualities on to other people, this makes for this type of fuel. Many of us know people who think that nothing they do is their own fault and will blame others for their failures. Although many of us will say that they are completely honest with themselves (and indeed some of us are), keep in mind that we all project. A good example is telling a story in a certain way to make someone look good or bad. We are projecting whatever qualities to create a desired outcome.

We can project based on our own insecurities. Ever see a man who is known to cheat on his women be completely jealous of all the attention she may get from other guys? This person is the type to believe that because he cheats that everyone must do it. That all the things he has done is not his fault because that is the way life is so, no matter how honest the woman, she must have those same qualities and will thus do the same thing he did. Clearly he is living in pure denial that he is doing anything remotely wrong.

This is also very similar to the woman who thinks that certain men are a challenge. Because he is a bad guy, she can change him because she sees the good qualities in him. Not to say that a man like that does not have any good qualities, but often times she is projecting the qualities she wants him to have in order to justify her attraction to him. This may in fact play to her insecurities that she is simply not good enough or worth the affections of a good man.

How we view people in our dreams becomes very important. I know that when I was a little boy, I had dreams of meeting a woman that would complete me. She had a golden brown skin tone and the most beautiful hair that I could ever imagine. I think that I may have placed my projection of her in some of the women I have fell in love with thus placing some on a pedestal they may have never deserved. That is my issue and I own it. The problem with this is me not imagining the complexities and imperfections that make a woman so flawed and yet so very sexy.

We just need to manage our expectations of people and ourselves before we place the wrong projection on the wrong person. If you have not seen Inception, you need to and perhaps what I just said…will make more sense.

Good Things Come…

Maybe it’s the books that I am reading or the music I have been listening to, but I am getting a definite feeling that good things are about to come.

Let’s start with the books. I am on my third book in a week and a half by the same author, Paulo Coelho. Clearly, I read The Alchemist and the other day I finished The Devil and Ms. Prym. Right now, I am reading Eleven Minutes and it seems to be another great read just like the other two novels. Reading these books make me realize so much about myself and the things around me. While The Alchemist made me realize to never stop dreaming, The Devil and Ms. Prym has made me understand the good people can be tempted to make bad choices, but that does not make them bad people.

Eleven Minutes is about love. One friend told me that this book made her believe in love again. I will say that I need to believe in that again. I know what I saw in the Dominican Republic and I am not entirely sure that is possible for someone like me, but it will be nice to have faith that it can.

There have been many omens that I have been following over the last week and because I have followed them, I am about a day or so away from finally having a roommate. I tossed around the idea of selling the house but in the end, my heart told me I need to really give this one more try. I put up one final ad and I got 2 decent people whom I met and it seems to this point that by July 1, I will have two people living with me.

The meeting with one of them went so well that he was wondering if I would be willing to rent out the 3rd room that I was just using for storage. This is something that I cannot ignore. I may have to take him up on that offer for a possible 3rd roommate by August.

Look, I am hustling. I am trying to get my work done at the job while maintaining a job search. Speaking of which I got what looks like a promising email so I will keep my fingers crossed on that. I made some minor changes to my resume that I feel quite good about. I will not lose my resolve and will continue doing what I must. This does not mean that I am not following through with Plan B of school full time. I have met with some people that have helped me in this process as well. Names were dropped and now I am on my networking flow.

Speaking of books. I started an outline for a book I would like to write in the future. It needs so much work but as I was doing it I began to realize that this is something that can actually be possible. I have a very good friend pushing to get this done and that is what I need. I have written so many blog posts to this point that I know that I can write a book. I just need to put my mind to it. This is a long term goal that I will see to the end.

I had a dream the other day about a hot steaming iron in my room. So like I normally do, I looked it up on dreammoods.com and came up with what might be the reason for this:

To see red, hot iron in your dream, represents action. Perhaps the dream is telling you to “strike while the iron is hot”. You need to take advantage of certain opportunities while it is still available.

I think this just says it all to me. I need to keep going. I need to not let anything stop me in my quest to better myself. I know for a fact that I am my worst own enemy. When I feel down or get emotional, I tend to stop and analyze everything around me. This is just a waste of time. I wont do it…not this time.



As far as music goes, I have picked several albums. Drake, Eminem, The Roots, and Marc Anthony. So far I am very much inspired by Eminem’s Recovery Album. He speaks about going to hell and coming back in just about every facet of his life. I feel like I have been on a similar journey.

A Story about Dad

My Dad and Step Mom at their wedding reception last year

Like most teenagers, I was rebellious.  I didn’t want to hear what my parents had to say because I was absolutely sure that they both had no idea what it was that I was going through. Sure, they had been in their teens before but that was a different time. The world was different and it was me who was stuck going through a divorce with parents who seemed to almost hate each other.

Even in college, I felt relatively the same way. By then, I was living with my dad and we would clash over just about anything. My need for freedom and his need to protect me would produce angry words and tears. There was a point in which we may have both felt that we were never going to see eye to eye on anything! I found myself not asking for advice because I thought that I need to get through my life by myself. After all, I had friends and they knew me just as well.

Then it happened. The first time my heart was broken and I did not know how to deal with it. I struggled with the pain and the torment for days that lasted into weeks. None of my friends could really help but listen to me. They  would try their best to help me find my way. I knew deep in my heart that there was one person in this world that may understand the pain I was going through.

So, fighting the tears in my eyes, I called my dad. Right away he knew…this man knew how much my heart was hurting. I told him everything. I felt for the first time in my life…he listened. Not to say that he didn’t listen before but this time it was so very different. When he spoke, it was the softest tone that I had ever heard him speak. He said… “Son, I know what you are going through. I have been there. I have had my heart broken too at your age”. Tears rolled down my face. I had to put the phone down just enough to so he could not hear me sobbing.

That was the day I connected to my dad. That was when I realized that he had always been right about everything in my life. Everything about women, everything about sex, and everything about LIFE. We would talk on the phone for hours that day sharing stories and how everything I was feeling…he felt. He convinced me that I will be ok and I was.

I am 36 years old and my father is still right about everything and I am ok with that. We rarely fight and we just learned to talk. He does know me better than anyone else. My dad has always tried to make sure that I do not make the same mistake he has, but sometimes that cannot be helped. In either case, he is always there to pick me up when I need it.

I have learned to a mentor to my students because of him. Happy Father’s Day Papi. I love you.

Follow that Feeling…

Funny how much difference a year can make. Most of my posts last year had to do with the fact that many people around me were having issues with their relationships. I was stunned by the number of troubles people were having. It goes to show that we make we have problems but someone may have it worse. This year though, it seems like people are getting married, or engaged, or just getting together. I think it is great.

I think people need to just follow their hearts. I have talked about how hard it is for me make decisions that require me to think about head and heart, but in the end I know that it is best for me to do what feels right. I haven’t always followed my heart because somewhere I thought that being logical is better. Logic plays no part in matter of the heart.

For the most part love makes no sense. We cannot help whom we fall in love with and we cannot make people fall in love with us. However, we can follow our hearts to the end. Right or wrong, there is very little regret in the end if you follow it truly. If it does not work out, your heart will heal and you can say that you tried something that felt right. If the attempt is not made…then there are lingering thoughts of “what if”. However, if it does work out the rewards are endless.

Happiness is what I wish those who embark on a new relationship, marriage, or even a rekindling of an old flame. Fear is way too much apart of people’s psyche. People use fear as a reason to not do something. I am guilty of this as well, but at some point we all must make a choice of letting go of the fear.

I saw a fearless couple in the Dominican Republic. They are ready for anything and it is awesome to me. Perhaps I am looking too deep into this, but sometimes we all need reminders that there are good things that an happen in life. We need to take things one day at a time. For me, I have been trying to push away the notion of love (despite my rash of poems on tumblr). I am not saying that it is working but I am sure many may have noticed that I really wasn’t talking about as much as I normally do. Going to this wedding shattered all that.

So now, as I continue to struggle with my life, I will have these thoughts of what I need to do about my love life. I have chosen not to do much until this divorce is final. I believe that is not fair to me or to the other potential person to date with this over my head. Don’t get me wrong, I have other reason why I am not really dating but, that is the main reason. I need to clear my head of many things…and let’s be real here, having a woman in my life is just more drama and trouble for me.

Perhaps that is harsh and not fair, but I think I am right in my assessment. I know my dad will disagree and tell me that I need to run through some “hoodrats” (because he totally talks that way), but that is not me. I have tried the jumpoff thing and is not all that fulfilling to me. Plus, using women is something that I cannot get used to…even if they want to be used.

So right now I am going to follow what feels right and see where is take me. Hopefully it will help me sell this house (a blog for another time) and get a job in NYC.

Oh..and for those who follow your heart…you will always have a supporter in me.