I Wear It On My Sleeve

Today seemed like it would have been a great day. Even though I got up 15 minutes later than I wanted to. I was still able to take a nice shower and walk to the Metro North station in Pelham in time to catch my train. I was a beautiful day in my standards. I didn’t need the usual hat nor glove that I rock in Syracuse because New York City weather is usually better.

I got off at Grand Central Station. Walked through Times Square. Stopped by Starbucks to get my daily liquid crack and then I  proceeded to Madison Square Garden for the Big East Tournament. You have to understand, after last year, I had to go. I just had to root for the Syracuse Orange. I get my tickets from will call and I head to my seat.  Then it happened. We Lost.

I am quite sure if anyone of you were to go to a game with me, either a Met game or a Syracuse game, you will be entertained. I am no the type to erupt with vulgarity (at least, when I sober), but you will definitely know that win or lose, I wear my heart and loyalty on my sleeve.

I want to mention the fact there were a lot of orange in the crown at MSG today. So I wasn’t alone in my disappointment. What made today interesting was the fact SU are favorites to win the National title which is something I am not used to. I am used to teams that are underdogs. So, being that SU has been  playing so well, I have been a bit of an asshole. I am quite ok with this. However, I try not to duel with other fans because I would rather concentrate on the game.

Needless to say, as the seconds began to roll off the clock, anyone who wasn’t an SU fan stood up and cheered Georgetown. I think we have become hated. I love it! Although, I slowly began to despise the old man sitting next to me because it was like he know exactly the strategy to be Syracuse….whatever.

So, yes I was mad all day. You can tell in my scowl. I walked the streets pretty mad and some people in Times Square would say to me: “tough loss man…” I am a sore loser. I know this. This is a part of my nature. I hate to lose and yet I never seem to win all the much but when I do, you will know.

I meet up with a friend of mine who ended up missing the game. He was going to the later set of games to see the University of Pittsburgh play. As I described the game to him, he would just give me this look. He then says, “You wear it on your sleeve, don’t you?”. Hell yeah I do! That is me, Mr. Emotion. I feel like that is all I ever do. This is why the off switch becomes so important! There is hardly ever a mystery when it comes to the way I feel. Sometimes I don’t mind it but other times I loathe it with a passion. This would be a reason why I write poetry so I can ease my extreme sense of emotion about whatever is on my mind.

When it comes down to it, this is just a basketball game and I will live. But, in case anyone wants to talk about how I am being ridiculous for being angry about this, lets think about the billions of Soccer fans across the world who destroy whole stadiums when their teams loses! I think I am entitled to just a little bit of emotion!

No one can ever tell me that I do not have heart because knowing me means you see it everyday.

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma…get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future…well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college…get married…have a family…live happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst enemy…me. So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, “in the end, everything will work itself out”, I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.

Head vs Heart

I have been thinking about this topic all weekend. When making decisions we are always considering following our hearts. Then there is the thought about following our heads. I always find it amazing that there can be such a difference from following our hearts rather than following our heads. Some people may do this easier than most. They can balance the two factions within us. I am not sure that I have done a great job of this.

I am a person who just thinks way too much. Yet, I seem to follow my heart way too much when it comes to love and life. My head takes a back seat sometimes because many times I follow what feels right to me. The more I think about it, I seem to do that a lot. Especially, with my students. As hard as I can be with them, I seem to give them chances at redemption with either employment or grades. I like to think that I generally care and maybe I do, too much.

When I do not act with my heart, I will analyze my choices and decisions so much. I try to justify something I have done and thus overload my brain with thoughts. I have made many decisions based on the what I thought was right rather that what I felt was right. Of course when that happens I become OCD. I starting thinking about “what if” scenarios, which is never good.

To be honest, I would rather make a decision based on heart rather than head. I have always been that way. I tend to not have a headache when I make a wrong decision that was based on something I thought about, but when I make a wrong decision based on heart…then well I get into a whole world of heartache. However, despite the chance of heartache…the rewards for successfully following your heart tend to be greater.

Not to say that I don’t get a heartaches from making a mental mistake. It just easier to get over. When I talk about heartaches, I am talking about the feeling that we may all get, that is right in middle of our chest that no drug can take care of. To me, that is one of the worse pains I can go through. My estimation is a broken heart is worse than a migraine. At least with a migraine I can sleep it off, not so much with heartache. The pain from a broken heart seems to last for a very long time.

I bring all this up because it seems like death is all around us these days. We tend to forget the little things in life that bring us joy. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives because we simply believe they will always be there. Nothing hits more than reading Lisa Marie Presley’s blog about Michael Jackson. It is never too late to tell someone you care about them. While I personally believe life can be long…not everyone gets to live a long life. Steve McNair is a great example of that. He was a year older than me!

Lord knows that I have been trying to live my life for me over the last few months. There have been times that have been difficult and challenging. Opportunities will continue to appear at my feet, but sometimes I wonder if following my heart at this stage of my life is still the smart thing. I think that I have gone down paths that I have still not fully recovered from, so why follow my heart now? Right now my head is steering the ship in my life. My heart is taking the backseat, I just wonder if that changes the person I am.