my life – Page 20 – Anthony Otero

Impatience

For as long as I can remember, I have been complimented on my sense of patience. I have been able to take what life has given me, including the mistakes I have made, and rolled with it. When I talked to customers, I have generally been the most patient person in the world because that is my job. When it comes to students, I have patience in abundance because I have been in their shoes. However, I feel that the one thing that have so much, I am losing.

Perhaps my patience is like a reservoir that is slowly drying up. Lately, I have been getting upset and angry over things that have been happening in my life. I feel like I am so much better than the work I am producing. Not just my work at SU, but my writing as well. I grow frustrated because I am worth more than I am being paid and my bills are unforgiving. I grow frustrated with this economy and the lack of jobs out there. I grow frustrated with me questioning myself.

I live in chaos. I feel like a game show contestant locked in a sound proof chamber in which money is blowing in the air for me to collect. But, instead of money, I am collecting shards of my life. I know that sounds crazy but work is one of the only things that have kept me centered.

Interestingly enough, I am actually happy. My social life has fallen in place and I am enjoying every minute of that. I think things have finally turned around in that portion of my life that I can actually have fun whenever I choose. Yet, I am stuck at some point worrying about everything else. I begin to lose that patience because I really do feel that my life would be better if I can just do what I want to do.

My father has told me that he has admired the measure of restraint that I have with just about everything I do. But deep inside, I am very impatient. I have to convince myself that things will be ok. I am an optimist but that in itself is difficult because I am a total realist that knows that anything can happen. I have almost come to expect the worst, particularly in my love life. When that changed, then my expectations on just about everything changed. I have come to expect good things to happen. So, now I feel I am stuck waiting.

It is a lot more that just waiting. I have been trying to create opportunities. Lord knows that here at SU, I have been doing things to pass the time. I have been doing workshops and planning events for a student population of Latinos that are just too entitled for their own good. I lose patience with them because they rather be partying and drinking as opposed to learning outside the classroom. But, God forbid they do not get what they want. I am not sure they even understand what apathy is.

In the end, I feel that I may have to write my way out of Syracuse. It is the one thing that I never lose my patience with. Mainly because this is mine. I meet my own expectations and the value of that is something I can soon put a price on.

9/11, Latino Heritage Month, my life, Students, Syracuse University

10 Years (@SyracuseU)

Today marks ten years since I have been in Syracuse. I came here looking for a career and I certainly found one. I left right after 9/11 and it was such a blessing to have an escape from all the death and sadness that was in NYC at the time. What I do not mention is that before that fateful day, I didn’t have a career, I had a job that I did not like. So still being here after all this has been both a blessing and curse.

2004 Fiesta Latina

I learned early in my twenties that being laid off is not just something that happens to older people. I worked at Deutche Bank back in the late 90’s when they acquired Banker’s Trust. When the merger was complete, I watched my supervisor get laid off and then a few weeks later, so was I. As an admin assistant, I was getting paid pretty good right out of college. I had gotten my own apt in the Bronx and was living with my girlfriend at the time. So when I go laid off, it was a shock and I had finding a job was incredibly hard.

I landed in a place called MHN (Mental Health Network) and it was job that I liked at first, but it became repetitive. However, I loved the area in which I worked. It was right on Wall St. The World Trade Center was right there and so was the South Street Seaport. I could buy anything and eat anywhere. The job itself was boring to the point that I restarted one of my older blogs and I taught myself HTML. One day, in August 2001, I get a call from my buddy (@panthbro). He tells me that department I worked at when I was enrolled at Syracuse was hiring and I needed to jump on it.

Without hesitation, I did just that. I get an interview, which included a presentation and meeting with several people, and I knocked it out the park. The following tuesday was 9/11 and I knew that this was going to be my last month in NYC.

Making sure my students work lol

I get to Syracuse in October and it was all trial by fire. I worked a concert on the very first day, which turned out to be a 14 hour day. The group was called Everclear. Never hard of them and barely hear about them now. That weekend was a dance party. A fight broke out that practically clears the room. I ran right into the middle of the brawl to grab students, who work for me, out of harms way. This was when I felt pepper spray for the first and only time. At that time, our Public Safety Officers didn’t carry guns like they do now, they had cans of pepper spray. That was fun to say the least. No one who worked for me got hurt.

I worked hard to get to know the students. I specifically looked out for students in La LUCHA. This is when I met @theJLV. By the end of the 2002, I was their advisor, thanks to him. I had also noticed that Black History Month was being celebrated the way it should be, but nothing was really being done about Latino Heritage Month, outside of La LUCHA. So, I tried my hardest to bridge the gap between Latino students and faculty/staff because there weren’t many of us then (and there still aren’t many of us now). I created the Latino Listerv to start building those bridges. I worked with the Office of Multicultural Affairs to generate a calendar for Latino Heritage Month. I also started Fiesta Latina in a conference room when it was just a mixer in 2003.

I even met Rakim!

Over the years, I have seen many things. I have seen students come and go. I have seen staff who have been hired, fired, retired, and just plain lose their minds. I have witnessed change from inside and out. There were times in which I wasn’t sure I was going to have a job anymore, but I endured. I have seen Syracuse University at it best and at its worst. I have seen blatant racism that has but tears in the eyes of my students and I have seen the election of the first Black President.

I have made sacrifices. I got married and divorced in those 10 years and I have endured. I have seen how successful I can be when I can out aside my issues and just be me. I have worked hard on my image and continue to peruse a path that is better for me. I have gained weight and lost weight. I have taken classes and started this blog that has allowed me to rediscover myself. I have created and presented workshops that benefit the student body. I have cultivated student leaders and have been a psychologist to others (some of them call me dad…I swear I am not that old…right?). I try to be the best supervisor I can be. I teach them to be the best they can be in a thankless environment.

I support my students!

The most important thing is that I do love my students. I want to be the person that should have been there for me when I was in their shoes. They have taught me so much and it is because of them that I have truly learned how to be humble. I do my best to follow those who have graduated. I know that I have made it public knowledge that I want to return to my hometown of NYC because I feel it is time. Yet, something keeps me here. Whether it is the economy or just fate, I will continue to strive for something better for myself and the student who are in my lives.

In the end, I am just glad that I have maintained my sense of self and…my sense of humor.

Latino Heritage Month, my dad, my life, salsa, Syracuse University

LHM – Fiesta Latina

I have to admit that I certainly love salsa music and I am completely psyched that Fiesta Latina is happening this week. This is an event with music and food. I think about my early years at Syracuse University when I noticed that Latino/Hispanic Heritage month was barely a blip on the calendar. I wanted do something that would remind Latino students of home.

When I lived in the Bronx as a kid, my father would often take me to these fundraising dances every year in Co-op City. The funds would go to The New York Emperor’s Stickball League. To say that my dad took me to these events is inaccurate. I worked them. This was probably my first taste of what working events was like. I either served drinks from the cash bar or I worked the coat check. In either case, I was privy to some of the best salsa I have ever seen. More importantly, I realized how much better live salsa music sounded than when my dad played it on his record player.

What never gets old is the bass. The constant beat that you feel on your feet when you are on the dance floor. The rythm that you can practically feel in the airwaves. When I did coat check, I could feel the beat from coat room. I remembered all this when I first came up with the idea of Fiesta Latina. I wanted students to come to an event that they can dress up and dance the night way much like their parents did at one point or another. My goal was to have a live salsa band and, at the time, it really didn’t matter who played.

I also made it a point to make sure the dance floor is big enough to accommodate the hordes of people that will be dancing to our featured guest, Frankie Negron. I feel as if I have promoted this event to no end and I will continue to do so until it is over. The food will be on point, which is something that is always understated.

Now I am less than a week away from seeing the best Fiesta Latina yet. Over the past eight years, this event went from a reception in a conference room to a sold out event with music and dance performances in one of the largest venues at Syracuse University. Sure, I had help. I wont say that it is all me. The Office of Multicultural Affairs has taken this idea from the inception and ran with it. I am just glad to be here to see where it is going.

car trouble, my life

Always Get a Second Opinion

Apparently Not…

Today is one of those days that I can’t believe happened. My ability to question someone and their expertise was on full test mode and when it comes to money we always have to make sure we get what we pay for. When it comes to cars and taking care of them, special care has to be made or the likelihood of getting ripped of increases.

Let’s make one thing clear, I love my car. It is symbol of my personal freedom to come and go as I please. I can control how long I stay somewhere because I do not have to wait for anyone. I have had my 2007 Hundai Elantra for 6 years and it has given me very few problems. One thing about owning a car is the annoyance of finding the time to get it inspected every year. This is very necessary because safety trumps everything else. However, being that I can be swamped with working events and money is an issue, it can be difficult to find time to get the inspection done.

So this week, I told myself that I am going to just get it done. I set an appointment for this morning at 8am and dropped off my car at Pepboys. I have been a loyal customer over the years with oil changes and inspections in the past, so today should be no different. I was nervous though, because last year I barely past inspection and I knew I had to get my brakes fixed. I got lucky because last October Cole Muffler had an unbelievable sale on brakes and brake pads. It was one of those things that I knew I could not pass up and since I had the money, I went with it. I ended up replacing all 4 brakes and the pads, plus all 4 routers, and got 2 new set of tires for $900. A lot of money…but for all the work that was done, it was a bargain.

Fast forward to today. I was praying that I passed this inspection. I know my car runs well, but some times you just never know. So I get the phone call from Pepboys telling me that I failed…badly. I am dumbfounded and pissed. The guy tells me that there are several concerns (which I wrote down). He tells me that my tie rods are bad. I have no idea what these are but they effect my allignment. Not all of them are bad but when one goes then they all have to be replaced because it also means I need a realignment. Then he proceeds to me about my BRAKES. The back set is stuck to the router and according to him, it is a safety issue. The best route, in his opinion, is to replace them although he could just clean them too. Then he tells me that my serpentine belt has a crack and there is problem with my sway bar that may have to rectified.

I am just quiet. I asked how much. He quotes me Ten Sixty Seven plus tax. I say…”you mean like, a thousand sixty seven???” I told him that will not work. So I begin to look at my options. The brakes and the tie rods will cost me more than $700. I keep repeating that I would rather the brakes be cleaned and not replaced because I just had those fuckers installed less than a year ago. So then I decide to just say fuck it, let them just do my oil change and I will figure it out. I was late to do my inspection which means they are taking the sticker off.

So I talk to my friend Casey (aka @panthbro) and he reminds me that I did get these brakes done by Cole Muffler. If they did do a horrible job then they have to fix it for free. He was right because I called them and this guy tells me that there is a lifetime warranty. AHA! My day was looking up already. I head over to Pepboys to get my car, pay for the oil change and drive it down the road to Cole. I explained the situation and he (Nick) was already looking at me like something isn’t right. He assures me that we will look at it right away and then tells me that more than likely I was almost ripped off.

Cole saved the Day!

I leave to go back to work and 10 minutes later…Nick calls me. “Sir…there is nothing wrong with your car. The brakes do have to be cleaned and we can do that here. By the way, your tie rods do not even give one inch.” I almost did a cartwheel. He quotes me a price of $81 for labor and the inspection fee (which is $21). Before he hangs up, Nick says to me that I should report Pepboys to the BBB. If you don’t know, by law, no one can make a false inspection on your car. The fact that Cole can give me my inspection sticker shows that they put their name on the line when it comes to the customer’s safety.

So I pick up my car before they close and Nick is there telling me that this isn’t the first time that he has heard Pepboys doing such a thing. He seemed like a cool everyday guy and I remember not getting that cool feeling from anyone at the other place. It was more like drop off your car and wait kinda deal. It turns out that Nick charged me even less than he quoted because the brakes were not that dirty and it didn’t take that long to clean so he charged me half the labor. My total was $51.

Which bring me to my point. Question everything! Get a second opinion! You never know what may happen. I was freaked out and thinking about how I was gonna get the money to pay this. Cars are something that people depend on and because of that it makes us easy prey for those trying to make a quick dollar.

9/11, my life, New York City, Syracuse University, world trade center

The Day I Learned How to Cry

The world changed ten years ago. It was a shift in the American paradigm that we are all still getting adjusted to. I can barely remember life prior to September 11, 2001. I do know that nothing has ever been the same. Everything that was our way of life changed when those towers came down. I learned the value of life at the same time as I learned what the value of a symbol is. The World Trade Center was that symbol of New York City that has forever been altered and because of that, I learned how to cry.

In many ways, I have considered the New York City skyline ruined. I feel that the World Trade Center was a vital organ like an arm that was severed. NYC is an amputee of such cruel intentions. I cannot tell you how it felt to know people who worked in that building and the relief to learn they got out. The company that I worked for lost entire floors of clientele. In the end so many people died and I can say that I knew one of them.

I wont talk about being on Wall Street that day because I have told that story. I feel that I can recite that story because I have said it so many times. What I have not written about is how from that day on the ability to cry has become all too easy for me. I spent most of the day being strong and trying to survive while not trying to really take in the enormity of the day. Seeing the shock on everyone’s faces as I walked from the financial district to Grand Central station. Taking the 6 train back to the Bronx in the quietest subway car I have every been on. Then getting to my small basement apartment in the Soundview section of the Bronx where I can still see the huge pillar of smoke to remind me of what happened.

Finally getting home to watch the television to see what happened. Watching it over and over and over again because seeing images from small screens in Manhattan did not help me realize. Something was building up inside of me that finally broke when I spoke to family and friends who told they loved me and thought they would never see me again because of all the chaos. I cried. I cried like I have never cried before. I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it.

All my life, I have fought the notion that a man should not cry. But how can a man hold in emotions so strong when thousands of people have perished so close by? I learned to cry that day because I recognized the value in every thing around me. Life is so precious. I could have lost so many that day. I know of others that have lost brothers, sisters, husbands, sons, daughters, wives, and friends. I sat staring at that television for hours because I did not want to forget. I wanted to take that lesson that I learned on that day that the I could no longer live my life the same way.

I came to Syracuse 10 years ago to escape the pain that was 9/11. I could not live with the ruined skyline in the background. I had to try to start a new life with a new career. While, I feel I have been successful, I think about how the world has changed. How I have changed. I have have become sensitive to everything around me. I cannot look at fire fighters and the police the same way. I am sensitive to loud noises. I just about cry when I think about losing a loved one. It just doesn’t take much anymore.

My students sometimes call me mean when they have no idea that how sensitive I truly am. I am mean because I see potential they are not achieving because they don’t understand that we have a chance to live in a better world. 10 years later and I know I want to go back home because even though that symbol is gone, the people who survived have become the symbols of hope needed to fill the void left by the World Trade Center and the people who once occupied that building.

fate, my life

9 10 11

I felt I needed to write today. Perhaps a bit of a free write, I am not really sure. I know that today’s date is something that I will never see again in my life time unless I some how invent a time machine (out of a Delorean). I wanted to save my efforts for tomorrow. As much as I am trying to avoid my thoughts, I am still thinking about 9/11. Not to say that I should be avoiding it, but it has been 10 years and there are things that still bother me about that day. However, I will leave that for tomorrow.

Today, I think about the uniqueness of this day or the uniqueness of any day. I suppose everyday is unique in itself. Although repetitiveness is something that I absolutely cannot stand, I know each day can stand on itself. Yet, we tend to take for granted for each day. I know that I think there will be a tomorrow for me and the ones that I love. While I truly understand that anything can happen on any given day, I still think that there will always be a tomorrow.

I ran a red light the other day. This is something that I never do. However, I am known to run through stop signs. How is this possible? Let me tell you why. I am not paying attention. I am thinking about something other than the present. It is great to have a goal but it is also not so great to forget the present because of your goals. So for me….I just think way too damn much about everything. Sure, my life is better and i do not stress as much as I used to but, I still think about what is next.

What I am not thinking about is the present. I am not stopping to smell the roses. I am still thinking about 2 steps ahead or what is down the road for me. It happens so often that I forget about how significant a day like today is. 9-10-11. It is so intrinsically simple. We need to live in the now because days as simple as this only happen once in a millennia.

The universe is so vast and somewhere out there a galaxy is being born. A star is going nova. These things seem so insignificant to us, but to the other parts within the vast cosmos, this is the day that is the most important of all. Perhaps today is a birth of a child, or the uniting of two soul mates, who really knows? All I can say is that the here and now is just as important as the future.

economy, my life, side hustle

Side Hustle

A few years ago a good friend of mine told me that everyone has to have a side hustle. We were talking about the simple fact that sometimes, one job is not enough. This was advice and a warning that if I were to come back to NYC that having a side hustle would be in my best interest. As I continue my quest to survive in such a horrible economy I realized that one job is just not enough anymore.

I have had 2 jobs in the past. That was before I had a career. I figured that once I got a steady job that all I would need is just one job. This way I can enjoy my days off and live a “normal” life. But, things changed when dealing with debt brought on from a marriage that does not exist anymore. When one income now has to replace two. Sure, I have two roommates to help with the cost of living in a house I no longer want to own, but when I would like to do things like date a woman, times get even harder. So, I had to go out and get a side hustle.

I do some work for the staging union in Syracuse. I get called in to help load in and/or load out show and concerts. The pay is good enough for me to come back when they call. I have done this work before and it is closely related to what I do now as an event planner. I have done this before when I first got out of college. It helped pay the bills then and it is helping me pay the bills now. The best part about starting this now is because the New York State Fair has been going on for a few weeks. In fact, today is the last day. I have been lucky enough to help load out shows for Journey, Lady Antebellum, and Selena Gomez.

This week I have learned that my friend was indeed correct, everyone does have a side hustle. During my brief stint at the fair, I cannot tell you how many people I have seen working some sort of second job. Yes the money is good, but I am beginning to feel that having a second gig is not just something to gain extra money, it something that has to be done in order to survive. I think it is becoming the normal thing to do something extra just to live a non luxurious lifestyle.

I am not saying that everyone has to have a second job per say, but I am sure there are those things that most people do to cut corners in order to live. Some have speaking gigs every few weeks, some live with their parents instead of paying full rent (or any rent), some have roommates or tenants, or some sell stuff on E-Bay. In the end it doesn’t really matter because it is all a side hustle. Gone are the days when you can live off of one income and be comfortable…at least for me.

my life

Clutter Free

Last week I cleaned my office. I got rid of all the clutter. I dusted everything from the top of the cabinets to the keyboard. I did this all on a whim. I was just tired of the clutter. I looked at the mounds of paper that had been on my desk and I just could not deal anymore. I wondered what was the point of keeping papers and files of things I have not looked at in weeks. Since I could not answer that question, I simply got rid of it all.

Some people may find that hard to believe. If you were one of those people who was ever in my office, you know how chaotic everything seems to be. There was no reason to the madness that was my desk and the stuff around my office. I think it provided a certain feel that I am comfortable within the mess that is my life. The problem is, my life is not a mess anymore and I grow tired of the things that are cluttering my path to my goals.

It has been a week and my office still remains clutter free. I am serious about keeping it that way. It makes me feel a bit of peace know that I do not have a mound of paper looking at me. I have also noticed the reactions of many who are not used to this. There is a bit of surprise, perhaps a hint of doubt that my desk will not remain that way. However, there is also a sense of being a little more at ease when sitting down and having a conversation about work or anything else.

It has been all about how I come across to people. Can you trust someone like me if my area is chaotic? While I do thrive in chaos, it gets tiring. I have always been the type to revel in situations when the outcome is unknown. In the 10 years I have been at my job, I have had to constantly find ways to challenge and renew myself. Much of that has to do with new situations because I know I get bored with the same old things that happen. Having my area devoid of chaos is very new to me. I am also forcing myself to think about how I may come across. I may have this exterior (with my ties and vests) that I may put myself above others when that is not the case.

I think about this summer and how I did not achieve what I wanted to. Most jobs will not tell you why they did not hire you and leave us to only speculate. So I think I will work on my appearance in the sense of letting people see who I am. Not sure exactly how I am going to accomplish that, but I think that getting rid of the clutter and trimming the fat from my life is only the beginning.

9/11, Latino Heritage Month, my book, my life, Syracuse

Free-Write: Broke Edition.

I am doing a little experiement. It is 11:20pm as I write this and I am going to write for about 20 minutes because I need to just write about whatever. I need to just tap on the keyboard to see what I actually come up with. I think when I am done I will just edit for typos and find a picture that would most likely go with this post. This is something I normally do when I write is find a picture on Google and post it on the top of the post or if I am feeling really creative, I will post several pictures throughout the blog to give it a certain feel.

My stomach is not feeling so great right now because my dumb ass decided to drink just a little bit of soda with my meal. The person who took my take out order just had an extra drink and offered it too me. I barely took 3 sips before my tummy disagreed with it. So the moral of this tiny story is that I need to stick to water. That is the only thing I should be drinking anyway. Although, I am so very much into coffee. I only have one serving of coffee per day, but otherwise it is all about the water.

I know my eating habits haven’t been the greatest, but what I have noticed is that when I work so much, I tend to not cook as much as I should. I am also still not used to cooking for just me. I find that I enjoy cooking for me and someone else. Maybe it has to do with portions or maybe it has to do with the fact that I rather not be alone when I cook a meal. However, as the school year continues (because today was the first day of classes) I should be able to have enough time for me.

I am enjoying this free-write because I am just going with whatever comes to mind which is pretty funny because of the name of this blog. I have also thought about changing my description on the top left. I am no longer struggling with a divorce that is long gone. I am sure that I have moved on to the next level of my life and I am better person for it. I think my life gotten better and more enjoyable, I just need to get past the small things that hold me back everyday.

October marks my 10 years here in Syracuse. I was hoping to be somewhere else by now, but fate and the universe deems that I am here for a purpose that perhaps I have yet to fill. This also means that 9/11 is turning 10 years old too. If you have been keeping up with me over the years then you will know that 9/11 was a major reason I left New York City. While I may have taken this job at SU anyway, 9/11 sealed the deal for me. I still think about that day and I long to return to the city that never sleeps. I just need to be patient and wait for me opportunity.

I am also thinking about Latino Heritage Month that is coming up very quickly. I know that I did the 30 day blog challenge last year and I am wondering if I am going to do that again. I am not sure that is a good idea to do the same things over and over. However, I see the value of highlighting different things. I will have to really think about this before I commit to something. These types of challenges do take a lot out of me because I do not want to write crappy blogs.

Which brings me to my other struggles. I am tired of being broke. I need money to make money and trying to get this book of the ground will require money that I do not have at the moment. So there will be many things that I need to think of in order to get this done. In the meantime, I highlighted and wrote up a basis for another project I want to do in regards to @beingafrolatino. It turns out that I am always full of ideas but I just need to execute them.

This was an awesome free-write.

my life, sheep, society

Sheep: The slow death of Critical Thought

What I am about to write in this blog I started jotting down in mid June. I had trouble putting into words how I really felt about this subject and yet, I seemed to have summed up in my Facebook status yesterday. When I look at the current status of the world, I do realize that many people just don’t get what is happening around them. I am not talking about worldwide conspiracies because that would be too easy to write about and yet so hard to prove but in any case it would make me sound like a lunatic. The only thing I want to point out is the economic gap isn’t the only thing that is increasing between the rich and the poor, so it is the intellectual gap.

So, I have been feeling a certain way about the world lately. Maybe it is age or perhaps is wisdom from that age. I have always had a cynical view of how the world operates and thus, I have always been cynical. I have grown to be sarcastic and question everything around me and even myself. I play the devil’s advocate at work and in my personal life. I point out the inequities in society on this very blog and yet I feel a sense that so many people do this blogging thing, or this twitter thing, or this civic duty thing as if they are in a popularity contest. Almost as if quantity is better than quality. Anyone can write a thousand blogs about shit, but in the end, it is just shit.

It is no secret that I am very critical of certain Latino blog sites and certain Latina Magazines and how they portray us, not only as Latinos but all people of color. I feel that there comes a social responsibility with the power that they hold over their readers and when things get dumbed down, it becomes an insult to my intelligence. Yet, very few people seem to notice things are said or things that are left unsaid. I feel we are in an era in which critical thinking is dying a very slow and painful death. People seem to become sheep. Most people rather read about list of top 10 maids or all time or right way to stuff a taco instead of actual reading of world events.

I get it though. Life is a bitch and then you die. We all need some sort of distraction from the real issues. African slaves needed a distraction too. The slave owners allowed them to sing and dance and even go to church, but reading was forbidden. Gee, I wonder why. Now, we have free people of color but the slave mentality is the same. Most people still don’t read, but we sure know that Kim Kardashian got married. We know when the Basketball Wives Marathon is on.

So yesterday, after I read something from one of the “publications” above I posted/tweeted this: Please understand, I am not like them. Me and them are not the same. When you think about them, then you are not thinking about me. So what did I mean by this? Someone close to me asked what was up with this cryptic message. My reply went something like this: Most applaud ineptitude and incompetence because they dont know better. Not all people, of course, but I see things that people say and write and it makes me shake my head. Sometimes I wonder, if it is just me. Am I being judgmental? Is this what being a leader is, when no one sees the same things…or is it being a pariah?

There are times that I wonder why I never joined a group or pledged a fraternity. Often times, I say that is not for me, but I could never really form the words to really express exactly why. I seem to be this person who can be so charismatic in person and online and yet fade away in a crowd when things feel so monotonous. I have come to accept that there things that just become so uniform to me that I get bored with things. I cannot force myself to do what everyone else does.

It is very clear that I march to my own beat. I think about how I was picked on in school for being different. I didn’t do the things that other kids did like either hang out after school or smoke weed. Even in college, I was never that dude drinking with everyone else at the bars or at the South Campus parties. It wasnt that I felt that I was better than everyone else, it is just that I didn’t see the need to do what everyone else is doing.

Which translates to how I am now. I am no better than any one else. I am sure that I could have been a great member of any fraternity. I am sure that I could have hung out with all those people, in fact, I go out now and socialize because I recognize who I am and how I fit in this world. But, I have always had a problem with the majority view of the world. People are sheep. They seem to be plugged into this Matrix in which everyone believes everything they read or don’t read. The ability to come up with a critical opinion seems lost on some. It is like when Jay-Z can come out with a song called “Death of Autotune” and everyone loses their minds talking about how he is this pioneer. Then, the very first song on his new album “Watch The Throne” has autotune. No one says…a word. Sheep.