my life – Page 22 – Anthony Otero

The World did not End. So now what?

I have had a lot of fun with this end of the world stuff. My Facebook and Twitter have been filled with jokes and sayings about something that some people have taken so very seriously. But, that’s the point, isn’t it? To make light of something potentially disastrous in order for people to not really panic thinking about the actual end of the world. Of course, I never thought it was going to happen, however, I did think that it would be some real shit if it did occur.

Most of the day, I did not entertain the idea of civilization’s end. I went about the business of mowing the lawn and doing my household duties. I received a notice in the mail from the utility company, Niagara Mohawk, asking me to pay more money on a bill I already paid. So, I call them right away because I figured it was a mistake on their end. I get connected to an associate and I state my usual name, address and last four digits of my social security. Then we get into a very interesting dialogue that I will be thinking about for awhile.

He asks me if my last name was Cuban. I tell him the I am Puerto Rican/Ecuadorian. I must have come off a little stand offish at first because he asked if I was offended. I told him I wasn’t and changed my tone. I was calling to fix my situation and not get into a discussion on what diaspora my name was from. As he was looking up my issue he mentioned that I sounded very much like his father. At this point, I was thinking that there is no way I sound that old. So I tell him that! He responses that his dad was 36 when he passed…

Now, I feel like shit. I tell him that I was sorry for his loss and that yes and I am 36 as well. As we talk and he fixes my issue, he admits to me that he is tearing up because I sound so much like his dad. I tell him that perhaps this is a sign that he is watching over him. He agreed and he went about finishing his business. We continued for a few more minutes and we are about to get off the phone I tell him to take of himself and we both say “God Bless.” I hang up thinking that the universe works in mysterious ways. My bill being fixed is nowhere near as important as this dude’s validation that his father is looking over him. It just made me again think about how I need to remain grateful for the things I have.

Then there is my stepmother who called me later on in the day to tell me that if the world does end today, I should know that I am loved. Sometimes people criticize me for being too emotional, but I feel that very few people in my life truly understand that life is short! Fine, the world is not going to end but it is ok to tell people you love them anyway and that is what I did. Before 6pm, I texted some of my closest friends that I cared about that if the world does end they should know that they are indeed loved. I did this thinking about the guy on the phone. I will say that some people laughed thinking that I was joking, some never responded, but generally most told me the same thing.

My point is this simply, we never know when our time is up, whether it is collectively or singularly. We should always tell the people we know and love that we love them. Not just because they may die and we will never see them again, but because WE may die and they may never know or understand how much they mean to us. The universe does things to remind us that we are here for a purpose and while we are all laughing at these fools for this false alarm, the point of all this may have been God telling us to not take our lives for granted.

inspiration, Masters Degree, my life

Dr. Inspiration PhD

Commencement is finally over. The Class of 2011 has left and the campus is not empty. I am left to reflect on my thoughts about how the school year played out and how this calendar year is shaping up for me. I think that I finally have my life back. April has always been a hard month but getting through it is always a challenge and an experience. So when May comes, it is a surreal feeling of finality. This is my 9th graduation and this particular year was bittersweet.

This year I have seen many ups and downs and despite it all, I still seem to be very good at my job. My lows consist of various failures that I have refused to let stop me in my ultimate goal of leaving Syracuse and return to my friends and family in New York City. That leads me into my second goal of getting my Masters Degree and going back into the higher education field on the academic side through teaching college courses in writing. I take this all into account because I feel that I have found my goal but have also found obstacles in my way of achieving this.

Interestingly enough, one of the first events that I end up having to handle is the Doctoral Hooding Ceremony. This is where the PHD program candidates walk across the stage and get their hoods to declare they have indeed become a doctor in their field of study. I watched as a dear friend of mine, Dr. Paul Buckley walked across the stage and I thought to myself…that could be me. Why shouldn’t it be me?

The rest of the weekend was filled with ceremonies and convocations that sort of blurred into together. Seeing various students in their gowns and meeting their families in a time of happiness are always great to see. But, in the back of my mind, I was asking myself that question. I know that I do a lot of talking on this blog, this forum that I give myself, where I put myself on blast and let the world know how I am feeling and what my dreams are. This forum that has gotten increasingly hard to write in by the minute. I have been talking to talk, but not walking the talk. I need to change this.

So once again, seeing Dr. Buckley (because I have that much respect for this man) at a reception just for him, I listened to everything he had to say about the life and family and how he had people to get him through it and inspirations that he had to look at. I can see that he had an inner peace that I am not sure I have seen in anyone else. It is the kind of inner peace that one has one they reached something that was so hard and so worth it.

Perhaps this is what I have been looking for, an inner peace, something to accomplish. Will getting a Master’s Degree be enough? Maybe not, can I imagine someone calling me Dr. Otero? Yes, actually, I can. I need to fight for this dream, but what will I a doctor in? Well I have some ideas that will be for a later post. But, I feel that I have spent so much time and energy in thinking about love and my lack of woman when I should just improve on me. I thought about a slogan that just made me laugh when I thought about. This is not to offend anyone, but more to motivate my desires and me: Fuck Bitches, Get Degrees. 🙂

I am not content with my place in the world and now that I have carve my niche, but you know what? I am done talking about this. I am done writing all this down. I need to do. I have my plans that I have not told many people because I feel that I jinx myself and I am just tired…so very tired. But, this weekend reminds me that there is always hope in the inspiration of others. I can find that inner peace in the things that I accomplish. I have often wondered what the universe has in store for me. I hope this is it.

As for Dr. Paul Buckley, he will remain the inspiration, that bar that I need to hold myself to. That example of inner peace I will need to not only obtain, but also accomplish.

comic books, movies, my life

Such a Geek…

There are times when things can be so stressful or hectic that we forget what it is that can truly makes us happy. Those are the moments that we can have that will make all other moments just fade away. I had one of those moments last week. No doubt about the fact that I have personally had a challenging past few weeks in where I had to look at my life and really ask what do I believe in.

I am struggling with many aspects of my life that have to do with failure. I am not afraid to fail per say. I told a student last week that Michael Jordan was cut from his High School basketball team, imagine if he decided to give up? So taking that into obvious consideration, I needed to look past many of the things that have got me down and continue to move forward. Of course, doing that is easier said than done. It was getting to the point in which I was pondering the possibility of depression. Even saying that now is kind of awkward because it seems so unlike me. So, I decided to go ahead and do what any geek like me would do and go see the midnight showing of THOR.

Now, while that sounds like some really nerdy shit, understand that there has always been a reason for why I was so into comic books most of my life. I needed to get way from my real life. Reading comics as a child really built my vocabulary as well as indulged my imagination. The world always seemed perfect when superheroes were in it. It spoke to me when Spiderman was having more woman issues that I was having. I got to me when Hawkgirl finally admits her love for Hawkman before they are both killed.

My point here is that real life is so overwhelming disappointing some times that escaping in books or movies can be the only way to go. I am not saying all this because I want people to feel pity because as I write this, I realize that I will be fine. I just need to be able to allow myself to escape to another place. It has been quite awhile since I picked up a comic book and a long time since I have seen a real good movie, so I was looking forward to seeing the midnight showing of THOR.

Midnight showings are in a class of its own. You have to be able to find one or two people willing to go with you. They have have the passion to actually see the movie because people who complain after midnight just become that much more annoying. If this is a superhero movie, than you need to stay until all the credits roll and if you are not sure if you should stay…then stay anyway. The best part about all this was that THOR was good. Some people may not have thought so but it did the one thing that it needed to do and that was entertain me.

When I was done and I walked to my car and I felt so exhilarated. The movie help me realize that I was not slipping into a depression and perhaps I was just in a funk that I needed to get out of. Perhaps I have been working to hard and taking my losses harder than I need to. We all get knocked down, it just a matter of how fast we get back up. I am just glad the geek part of me was there to rescue.

my life, practical joke, Twitter

A Practical Joke.

I have to admit that it does not happen often but they got me good today. So good, that I need to document this occasion for the simple fact that a small war has been started in my office. I am ok with that because I think that I am the funny man of the office. The one that will not only make you laugh but will make you see the other side of an issue that you did not see. The devil’s advocate and a bit of a jester. I keep in real and I keep it light as well because we can work in a stressful environment.

Today was set to be a day that was potentially stressful. It was the last day of class and graduation is just around the corner which means that planning for the next two weeks has become paramount. It was raining this morning and I was rushing to get in like I normally do. I walk into my office suite and say my hellos to my student employee and my assistant. I open my office door, put down my laptop bag, and take off my coat. The first thing I do is turn on my computer and start reading email. Then it happens, I hear this beep.

It sounded like one of those short beeps when you leave something in the microwave and it makes a noise to remind you that your food is still there. I look over to my right and I am like….what the hell was that? I know that I did not have any electronic stuff laying around. I check the general area where I heard it and I see nothing. I sit back on my chair just looking in that general area. At first, I am thinking that this has got to be me or quite simply…maybe one of my students left something in my office and the battery is dying. This is not a far fetched thing. So I take my laptop out just make sure that is not me.

I get distracted by work and I get into it and another beep happens. This time it was different. I am now looking up and to my right. I know that the light above me has had electrical issues in the past. It has flickered and gone out, but they fixed it more than once. Although that light was fixed awhile ago, I am thinking this has got to be it. It wasn’t that big of a deal at the time but it was becoming a small distraction. I make this joke that perhaps this is a bomb and it just my time to go.

This kept on for a little bit. My assistant and my student heard it so I know that it was not me. I had to get coffee and do some running around so it was forgotten for the time being…until I came back only to hear it again. A co-worker of mine comes into my office to discuss something and I tell him to sit down in hopes that he would hear it and help me identify what this is. In the effort to not use real names I will just day his name is DAVE. He sits down and we talk and then it happens again. Of course I ask him. “Did you here that?” He is tells me that he did and we are both looking around. I tell him that I think it is the light and perhaps we need to call Physical Plant so they can see what is going on.

So minutes later, PHIL (we are not mentioning real names ) walks in and I explain the situation. This man is not very understanding. I am making jokes that perhaps it is big brother watching and the battery in the camera is dying. So as we are talking, it beeps again. I asked Phil if he heard it and he says NO! He was too busy talking to hear it, which I believe because lord knows he loves to hear himself chattering. Dave says he heard it. So I ask Phil to sit down so we can talk about whatever until it beeps again. I told him that it seems to go off every 5-6 minutes. He comments that if the interval shortens that I should run (ha ha -_- ).

It beeps once again and Phil tells me he heard it! But that he thinks it is my computer or laptop. Perhaps I need to clean my office up including all the electronic chords because it sounds like something is feeding back. I am looking at him and say “no.” At this point, I am thinking this man is useless. He has no clue what the hell he is talking about. I give him a sarcastic agreement so he can leave. Phil humors me and checks the light and promises someone to look at it later.

At this point, I am thinking this is crap. I have work to do and I will have to figure this out. I leave my office in order to check on an event. I need to pass along some information to one of our students. So I get back to my office 10 minutes later and I am busy…and it beeps again. This time it is different. A short beep a little louder and definitely not coming from the light. It sounded like it came from the back of one of my file cabinets. I quickly move shit out the way and I see this:

What the fuck is this????? As you can see I took a picture of it. I certainly was not touching it. What if it is something like a bomb? Oh hell no! I go to Dave and I show him this very picture. I ask him if he has seen anything like it…

…and he starts laughing! O_O Dave tells me that he cannot believe I found it. Then he proceeds to tell me that he went in my office and placed it there this morning! The entire office busts out laughing! They were all in it. They all knew. Dave tells me that he would change the beeps every time I left the office. He tells me that he told Phil to play along. After I tell him that I hated him, he tells me that is called “the annoy a tron”. His wife bought it on ThinkGeek.com. So in effect, he got me…but this does mean war…

Clearly I tweeted all this…

appearance, my life, self worth

Retail Therapy

I have to admit that shopping is every bit as cathartic as women say it is. Of course, I have gotten into shopping for myself over the last 2 years and it has this strange sense of making me feel better about everything. This is not to say that I am feeling depressed, I have been so focused on my goals that sometimes I do forget that I have to do for myself.

The other thing I realized is that I have never really been brought up with the sense of how to shop. When I was a kid, my mother would take me to Alexanders and just pick stuff out. When I was in high school, things were a little easier because when you go to Catholic School, you can just buy whatever from Macy’s and hope it matches.

However, there came a point when I started working and hanging out, that I knew I had to buy clothes for social purposes. We are talking about the 90’s here when overalls were in. Needless to say that was a disaster. I am not even sure how I got through college. Shopping was always something that I disliked. I hated to go with my mother because she would take all day and I would hide inside the round clothing racks because I was that bored. But, as I grew older and women began to play a huge role in my life, I began to see how important it was to be patient when a woman shops. I got to see how meticulous they can be, not only about the price, but about the quality.

Most guys who shop will just get anything because it may look good. They many not care about the price or the quality at the same time. I know when I started my venture to really change my wardrobe, not only did I have a woman with me, but I really took an interest in certain stores and what I can do to make that extra impression. I will always remember my cousin looking very neat and clean when we were hanging out in high school. I used to joke about how much of a diva he is but, I feel like I am beginning to resemble that.

In my line of work it is very important to look professional. When I first started working I would wear the collared shirt with slacks because I was more of operational person that did more manual labor than anything else. I had always heard that you dress for the job you want and not the job you have. Once I was promoted, I did change the way I dressed. I noticed the immediate effect on customers and co-workers in terms of how they approach and interacted with me.

So, over the years (and more recently), I have become more comfortable with my appearance. They say that 90% of all communication is non verbal. I try to make sure that what I am trying to convey about myself comes across well which is why I bought two suits yesterday. Granted it was buy one get one free at Men’s Warehouse, but if you ever go there then you know that those suits are not cheap.

There was one thing that made me spend all that money…the service. The guy who helped me made me feel important. He never made it seem that I could not afford the clothing. He showed me all quality stuff and when I told him I wasn’t sure of the price, he looked me and basically said that anything less would effect the quality of the suit and I am trying to make sure you look good. He earned his money.

It made me think about something that my dad says, “you get what you pay for”. So spending as much as I did, I walked out the store really thinking that I am so worth every penny I am spending on myself.

dating, my life, time

Time

One of the most valuable things we have in life is time. We do not think about time as a point of value, at least I didn’t so much when I was younger. We give up our time to so many things like school, work, and to our loved ones. Depending on your point of view giving time to ourselves can be the better than all of the above. Time is a precious commodity that many of take for granted because they do not understand it’s personal value.

Businesses and Higher Education understand the value of time. There are many programs that are offered to students that have to with time management skills. How one spends their time is very important in balancing social activity with academic requirements. Employers are very keen in looking for those students who can manage their time effectively. Work-life issues come into play often because each one of us should be able to work and live. Often enough, one seems to out weights the other.

I am a believer in a healthy work ethic and being able to get ahead by any means necessary. Many times, being a person of color means that you have to work harder than your white counterpart and even if that is not the reality, it sure does feel like it. So those of us who work hard often find that out that our social lives are effected based on the level of success that we are willing to attain.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine (and fellow blogger) a few weeks ago and it was actually a bit of an argument because at first I was not feeling what she was telling me. We talked about how busy our work lives can be and the potential for a dating life seemed low. I know that I have been adamant that I am not ready to date based on the uncertainty of my life and for the fact that I am simply too busy. Her response was very clear: We all make time for what we want.

This was a statement that took me back a bit. I was thinking that this cannot be true because I know that I am a busy person. I work all the time and this doesn’t effect my…social…life (pause). Of course, my point is that anyone of us can be legitimately busy with something but then she pointed out that often times people use that as excuse to blow off other people. Not that blowing off people is always a bad thing but let’s call it what it is. There are times where we do not want to speak to someone for whatever reason even if we really love them.

Time is a precious thing that we may not use to the best of our ability. Sure, some of us get paid at our places of employment but what about the time we place for ourselves? We choose to share time with others if we want. We choose to decide if we are too busy for that 5 minute phone call to our parents or friends. While those 5 minutes may seem like a burden for some, that small increment of time may mean the world to others. Time has a value that we cannot fully comprehend until it is too late.

As I get older, I feel the weight of time just in its intrinsic value. I am still a young man but, I have seem what time has done to the people around me. I have seen the effects of drugs, stress, loneliness, and crime. I have seen what happens when you settle for something that is less then what is deserved and toll it takes on a person. I personally know what it is like to make a mistake and spend years in a blind state before realizing it. We take time for granted because we think we have enough of it.

Yet, time is both finite and infinite.

fate, Japan, my life

Thoughts of Japan

Time like these we need to understand our place in this world. I think that so many times we are caught up in our own messes that we do not see what is going on around us. Japan is still suffering from a massive earthquake and tsunami (as well as over 700 aftershocks). The threat of a nuclear meltdown is still out there and that makes Japan seem almost unlivable. All this makes me very sad and forces me to remind myself of my own privilege.

I remind myself that I cannot take my disappointments all to heart because I still have a roof over my head. I still have a job for me to go to. I know that when I call my parents and my friends, they are still there and not buried under rubble some where. I cannot even imagine the level of loss that the Japanese have been through, but I do know that it is greater than any personal loss or heartbreak than I have ever faced.

I think I complain about fate and how unfair it is from me to still be here in Syracuse, but in the grand scheme of things, it does not really mean much. I think that perhaps I am still here for a reason. Maybe there is something that is keeping me here until I have completed some task. Whatever the case is, I know that complaining about my life is something that privileged people do.

My parents worked hard to make sure that I didn’t have certain experiences and even though I grew up n the Bronx, I was not in the element. That could have been due to overprotection or perhaps my family made sure I was never in the wrong place at the wrong time. My father had instilled in me this fear that had I taken drugs, my ass would suffer a beating that I may never recover from. All in all, I turned out in a position that allowed me to be where I am now.

Yet, I think about how it would be to lose everything. To wake up one day and everything is just gone. I think we place so much value on things that do not matter in the end. We cannot take money or possessions with us when we die. It can be seen first hand in many of the tsunami videos how entire cities are swept way. Cars, houses, people, livestock, everything just gone in what some would call an act of God type of event.

I mentioned on Facebook how sad I was that Japan may never be the same. Sure, I have never been there but do I have to have been there to understand that a whole country is just devastated? The earthquake was so bad that the island moved 8 inches. Some people have the nerve to say that this was payback for Pearl Harbor (which is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard). Only people who do not understand history would make remarks like that. Not to mention that earthquakes are natural events that every planet has. The land masses on this world have been moving for thousands of years and nothing with stop that.

So what should we take from this? Something that I have always said, we need to tell the ones we love that we do love them. Life is short, plain and simple. Sure, maybe I am emotional about it, but those who truly love us will understand this.

Below is the scariest video I have seen. Please keep Japan in your thoughts and prayers.

my life, November Media Group

Photo Shoot

One of the good things that did happen to me in my week off in New York was my photo-shoot. This was something that I wanted to do since I joined the ranks of the November Media Group. I wanted to do it up here in Syracuse but that didn’t work out. At the time, I figured this would be great to sort of get myself amped up for my possible return to NYC since I was awaiting the letter from Sarah Lawrence.

I was told that I needed 3 outfits and I figured that would be easy since I had brought some nice clothes, including a new coat that I bought late last year. My photographer is Sandra Guzman from 2DreamArtists.com. I was given her name by a good friend and fellow blogger. I did check out her website and saw some of her work so I knew I was in good hands.

Originally, we were supposed to have the photo-shoot someone where in Manhattan, but the weather was not exactly what we wanted, so we pushed it from a wednesday to a friday. It was significantly hotter that day and it forced me to make a last minute decision on the 3rd outfit. I was going to go with a colder look with a coat or a sweater but the sun was blazing that day and it ended up being a Mets shirt (don’t judge me, it’s almost baseball season).

I look at the pictures and I’m almost in awe of myself. I told someone that I think everyone should do this just to do it. I think that it is a great way to boost an ego. Now, this does not mean I am getting a big head. I still think I am ok looking. I just like the color of my shirts and how it really comes out in these photographs. This one picture really shocked me because you can see how brown my eyes are. I do not recall anyone picture before this when I can really see that.

I am happy with the results because I think that it shows me in a different light. It also made me want to do it again. What is funny is that some of my friends like to mess with me and ask me: “Don’t you already take enough pictures of yourself?” My response is simple: I am just loving myself. Sure, there is clearly a professional purpose to what I am doing, but sometimes we just need to show appreciation to ourselves because none of us should wait for someone else to give it to us.

I still find myself learning about me and my motivations. I am really getting to point that I can do stuff for myself and not for others. This photos are more for me than anyone else (although, I have a feeling my dad will be asking for copies). I believe there was a total of 80 pictures and I had to pick 10. I personally, liked 5. So, I needed to ask others to help me in my decision. Between friends and family I was finally able to get to 10 photos.

I never liked pictures of me smiling because I feel it captures me in a certain way. I feel that I show too much teeth, but to be honest there is a deep rooted reason on why I do not like to show my teeth. I had braces when I younger because my teeth was just not right. It was one more thing for kids to make fun of me, so I always tried not to smile so much. The only problem with this is that I love to laugh! So, ironically enough, my favorite photos are those of me smiling. I think that this was captured very well.

I think it is interesting how other people view me because different people liked different pictures when I was choosing my 10. Of course many of those are ones I didn’t like. I think it showed me the different phases in my life. I think that my ‘serious’ look might make me look tense or angry. I simply just had my mouth closed trying to relax. I do believe that I may not have been totally relaxed during the shoot but I am satisfied with the results regardless.

Quite frankly. I want to just look back at these pictures and remember this phase of my life. I can look at my old photos on Facebook and realize that I do not even recognize myself. I just look different to me as if it was just either another life time or an alternate reality. In either case, I think these photos are the closest representation of the real me.

fate, my life

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

They say that everything happens for a reason. Lord knows that I tell this to everyone that I give advice to. The problem I have is that I tend to not listen to my own advice. I never pretend that my life is as bad as other people because I know better. What I do know is that the price of experience is strength and with each experience I seem to gain tons of strength. My question is, when do I cash in on all this strength I am gaining?

Disappointments come and go because they are a part of the life we all live, very much like a stellar nebula that becomes a star that eventually dies out after burning so brightly; it is the way of the universe. The events that unfold in my life never seem to leave me with a dull moment. Mistakes are made, hearts are broken, and yet dreams are created in all the mess. You, the universe, have the power to make us all feel like the phoenix. We can burn deeply with regret and remorse and somehow be reborn with hope.

I have been blessed with many friends and I can thank God for them. They make me aware that the universe, in all it’s glory, is working in my favor. Of course, I am not very sure how this is working. I thought that at times I can see you work in all the things that happen around me. I try to take heed of the signs I see and take advantage of the opportunities, but yet, each door closes.

I am fortunate to believe that everyone who comes and goes from my life are here for a purpose. Evidence of this is when I got that letter from Sarah Lawrence College. I had many people show me so much support and it made my resolve stronger. I wasn’t thinking about the universe and how everything that is meant to be will be. I think about my work life, my love life, and my family life and I cant help but wonder if things will get better because this cannot be all the universe has to offer. I know that life is beautiful and I just wish I can see more of that.

When I commented that I was tired of losing, a good friend of mine who I advised at one point in my life, told me this: “You’re not losing! The universe is working towards what is right for you. It’s working at the right pace. You’re gonna need to trust and accept that things can’t be rushed as much as we many want it ‘now’.” In many ways, I know you put this person in my life to tell me a this exact thing so that I cannot get discouraged. Yet, another good friend told me that Sarah Lawrence was probably not a good fit for me anyway because I can be a writer without them. The universe has ways of working without us knowing it because you put her here too to fuel my fire further.

I read once that if you want something bad enough the universe will conspire to get it for you. Well, I am fighting hard to get what I want and maybe a rejection letter is a pathway to a new door. This is something that will remain to be seen.

I will continue to help students get where they need to go. I am just asking for the same for myself.

Sincerely,
Latinegro

Masters Degree, my life

I am a Survivor.

A culmination of months of hard work was summed up in one letter that I raced home to read. I opened that letter from Sarah Lawrence College. I was not accepted in the MFA program. I simply closed the letter and placed it in with a pile of other rejection letters that I have received over the last 2 years. I am not happy but I am not sad either. Quite frankly, I am mad.

I am mad because I feel like I cannot escape this place. I know that I put my business out there for all, so it doesn’t bother me that I can yell out into an open space and say “I want to go to graduate school!” I believe in my heart that I will do this. I believe that I will become what I want to be come. If anyone who knows me knows that when I get pissed off, I become determined.

I see these rejections of job opportunities and now grad school apps as people telling me that I cannot do something, that I cannot be what I want to be. This is not going to happen. I am more determined to be successful and more determined to be more than what I am right now.

I am just tired of being told I am not good enough. Let me say right now that I am better than good enough. No one has walked in my shoes and has taken the shit that I have taken. No one can understand how patient I have been with all the people and events in my life. People love to judge me and think that I am not going to make it, but I got some news for you: I am not going out like that.

From this point on I will raise the level of my game. I will apply to Sarah Lawrence again, but she no longer the only school I will apply to. So she needs to know I plan on seeing other people. I followed my heart and now my heart will follow me. I will broaden my focus and my horizon. I will continue to write and I will continue to create and I will make a list of school tomorrow to apply to. I am also not limiting myself to just schools. I am putting myself back on the job market.

As a matter of fact, I am taking that letter from the pile and posting it up on my wall. I want to be reminded of this. I want to see this everyday so I can be reminded that I am meant for something bigger. I am better than my undergraduate grades, I am better than any graduate school fee, I am simply better than what I was an hour ago when I read that letter. So, please do not feel sorry that I did not get in, feel happy that something finally got me to be angry enough to see my full potential.

It has been in my nature to take time and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself, but not anymore. It is time to make my own destiny.

I am tired of losing. I am a sore loser and I plan on winning. I am not bitter, I am better.