One of the most valuable things we have in life is time. We do not think about time as a point of value, at least I didn’t so much when I was younger. We give up our time to so many things like school, work, and to our loved ones. Depending on your point of view giving time to ourselves can be the better than all of the above.  Time is a precious commodity that many of take for granted because they do not understand it’s personal value.

Businesses and Higher Education understand the value of time. There are many programs that are offered to students that have to with time management skills. How one spends their time is very important in balancing social activity with academic requirements. Employers are very keen in looking for those students who can manage their time effectively. Work-life issues come into play often because each one of us should be able to work and live. Often enough, one seems to out weights the other.

I am a believer in a healthy work ethic and being able to get ahead by any means necessary. Many times, being a person of color means that you have to work harder than your white counterpart and even if that is not the reality, it sure does feel like it. So those of us who work hard often find that out that our social lives are effected based on the level of success that we are willing to attain.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine (and fellow blogger) a few weeks ago and it was actually a bit of an argument because at first I was not feeling what she was telling me. We talked about how busy our work lives can be and the potential for a dating life seemed low. I know that I have been adamant that I am not ready to date based on the uncertainty of my life and for the fact that I am simply too busy. Her response was very clear: We all make time for what we want.

This was a statement that took me back a bit. I was thinking that this cannot be true because I know that I am a busy person. I work all the time and this doesn’t effect my…social…life (pause). Of course, my point is that anyone of us can be legitimately busy with something but then she pointed out that often times people use that as excuse to blow off other people. Not that blowing off people is always a bad thing but let’s call it what it is. There are times where we do not want to speak to someone for whatever reason even if we really love them.

Time is a precious thing that we may not use to the best of our ability. Sure, some of us get paid at our places of employment but what about the time we place for ourselves? We choose to share time with others if we want. We choose to decide if we are too busy for that 5 minute phone call to our parents or friends. While those 5 minutes may seem like a burden for some, that small increment of time may mean the world to others. Time has a value that we cannot fully comprehend until it is too late.

As I get older, I feel the weight of time just in its intrinsic value. I am still a young man but, I have seem what time has done to the people around me. I have seen the effects of drugs, stress, loneliness, and crime. I have seen what happens when you settle for something that is less then what is deserved and toll it takes on a person. I personally know what it is like to make a mistake and spend years in a blind state before realizing it.  We take time for granted because we think we have enough of it.

Yet, time is both finite and infinite.

Lonely is a Dirty Word

Driving home today I was just thinking about my life in general. I have gotten so used to the daily routine that I am in. It has taken a little more than a year to get where I am right now. I do not have the same worries, but yet I have new thoughts to replace the old ones. I reminded myself today that I have only been officially single for less than 3 months.

Interestingly enough I have only been living alone for a little more than a year. Well, I know I have roommates but I don’t really consider that to be the same as to living with someone you are married to. My home life is not event filled. I come home late, watch some sports, read a book, and if I am feeling good I will play my Wii. I spend much of my time to myself trying to figure out food for me and making sure that Rocky is well taken care of.

I pass the time on twitter when things get interesting on television. It almost becomes a shared experience when I make comments on something that most people are watching. I go to bed late everyday. I do not want to consider myself an insomniac but I do not sleep much. Then again, going to bed early was never my thing. I think it is because I was forced to go to bed so early as a kid that I would just stay awake for hours in the dark listening to my parent’s tv. Perhaps I just rather be awake and deal with reality than to be in a dream that I will ultimately wake from.

I have become a person of routine. I laugh to myself when I am at work late and I say, “I have no one at home waiting for me.” Which is untrue. My dog is waiting for me. Lord knows that if I do not get home in time to take him out, he will leave a present for me that I do not want to open. Still, it is good to come home to a warm reception every night. Sometimes I can tell that he missed me. I found him one day on my bed knocked on my pillow.

I thought about my divorce timeframe today because people have been inquiring lately as to why someone like me is single. First, I am not sure what that means: someone like me. That is to assume that I am special from some reason when most times people don’t really know me. My response is always, I am chillin. I am not sure why the surprise to my singleness. There are some people who cannot be alone. They surf from person to person in order seek the someone who is perfect for them without giving a general thought that maybe the quest for that perfect person comes from within.

It would be less than honest of me to say that I did not think about having a woman in my life again. However, there have been several times in last few months that I have been reminded that being single is probably the best thing. It is hard to fight that urge to think that I need a woman. The truth be told I really do not. I am completely self sustainable.  Not that this stops me from talking with women, but I have been able to observe things and learn how to be the person I want to continue to be.

However, I had been recently thrown for a loop when someone told me that despite my appearance of confidence and the wall of intellect, she sensed a certain sense of loneliness. That perhaps my routine was a simply a way of covering up something that I desperately want, which is to be loved by someone. Interesting. This, of course, left me rather speechless. I had that vain attempt to pretend that her words didn’t invade my soul. So of course, it takes me days to process all of this.

While I am not so sure how true this is, I need to explain that I am the type of person who can feel alone in a crowded room. I have seen myself fade in the background in certain social situations in where I just didn’t feel comfortable or confident. When that happens, I lose all interest and I would just rather be somewhere else. That sounds so very introverted of me when I am very much an extrovert. However, I think that I seem to go back and forth depending on the day (I am such a gemini).

Lonely is such a dirty word. However, I have not failed to notice that 40 is right around the corner. I am getting older folks. Soon I will be taking medical test that will make me cringe. While I am not nervous about being a single 40 year old man, I think about being in a whole new category. But, that is 3 years aways and thus I cannot think about this right now. I do think that age is a dirty three letter word. I just thank God that I don’t even look 36!

I will say that I do miss many things about being in a relationship. But, I cannot use that as a reason to be with anyone. Dating is still something that I am apparently not that good at, so I guess I will have to get better at it. Perhaps it is something I need to put into my routine because Lord knows I got flirting down to a science.

I wont give a time frame on anything when it comes to finding anyone. I want to be able to be with someone because I want to there rather than feeling that I need to be there. I have been in that place where I felt I need a woman when clearly I do not.

Even Superman has a fortress of solitude.

Valentine’s Dud

It turns out the the new me that I have been talking about the last couple of posts has decided to throw himself into his work. I have been so busy at work that I am very tired when I get home and struggle to just be productive. However, I have been thinking about Valentine’s day that is coming up in a few weeks. I am not sure if I am going to be writing much about it this year due to Black History Month, but I have been thinking about my personal history of this day.

This has traditionally been a day that I have loathed because this seems to be universally celebrated as the day we profess our love (or like) to another person. For people who are not that lucky, this is a day that could not suck more. As I have gotten older and wiser, I can say that I do not feel either good or bad about Valentine’s Day. Perhaps it is that lack of expectation and yearning that I once had that maybe I will be someone’s valentine. It could be that once I had a girlfriend or wife that this day was further marred by mishaps and plain old apathy. There is a point when you are married that you start saying things like… “well we don’t celebrate Valentine’s day because you should tell that special someone you love them everyday”

Not to say that this statement is not true, but that day for me personally has always had some negatives to it. I remember not liking this day as a child. I would ask different girls around school if they would be my valentines only to get a resounding “no”. As a kid, it is hard to deal with rejection of such because often times I thought it was me. Then I got used to it and never had a valentine all through High School.

I remember a time when I was roaming the halls in High School after classes were over ( I would often stay late because I was always involved in many extra curricular activities) and seeing this huge bulletin board that had cards or hearts posted up from all these girls sending in valentines to the school. I was in shock because I went to an all boys school and I had no idea that girls from other schools could do such a thing. Needless to say that I had none and I just walked away.

My first real valentine was in college. I remember that day fondly. I took a friend of mine to see Dreamgirls and had a pretty good meal. To do this on a college budget is amazing and I felt that it was well worth the wait. I started thinking that the days of bad Valentine days would be behind me especially since I had a girlfriend for the next two, neither of which were all that memorable for reasons I will not get into.

After that, I didnt have another valentine until I dated my ex wife so many years later. This was when 1 800 Flowers was making it big on the internet and I was doing what every man would do, order flowers to your woman’s workplace. Well, after ordering the flowers well in advance…they never show up. Imagine having to explain to your girlfriend that you did indeed ordered flowers that never showed up. Not a good night, however, when they showed up the next day even after I called back and canceled the order, she believed me. So, of course this could not happen two years in a row right? I mean they contacted me saying that I had this crazy discount to make up for the previous mishap…yeah well…lightning does strike twice.

So as I said, there comes a point in marriage when many things stop and valentines gifts are one of them. I cannot help wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But, as much as I can sit here and say that we should not wait until 2/14 to show someone how much you love them, there seems to be something stuck in all our minds that this day means more than what we let on.

It is just a hard day to figure out because the perception is that the man has to be the one to do all the flowers and candy type things. The woman does not even have to accept nor do she have to reciprocate. Many of my male friends will easily tell me that this is a woman’s day and all we get is like christmas (haha). Perhaps I am just jaded and I see things from a very narrow view and if that is the case then I accept that. Maybe I am just used to being treated a certain way or not being treated the way I want. It is hard to tell, but I will say that very few women have generally surprised me on this particular day and I do not see that changing anytime soon.

I think the only thing that has changed for me is expectations. I do not expect anything from anyone. So if I do send flowers chances are I am not expecting anything in return. To me, it is better this way. I have learned that life is not fair and I am ok with it. I am not saying this in a depressive way, I just think that things will happen when they happen.

However, I would like to to stop being what I have now dubbed a “Valentine’s Dud”. There will come a point in time when the stars will align enough for me to have memorable 2/14 and if not, well, I will always have something to write about!

Dating and Coupons!

Now that I am single, I cannot help but wonder about the art of dating. Sure, I am in the middle of trying to get into grad school and I have been on a few dates, but it is always good to wonder all the do’s and don’ts of dating. So, yesterday morning I read this article about what is considered a date and what is not. I then asked a question to my followers and I got more than what I anticipated!

If you read the article then you will notice that it is all basic stuff. I know that the combination of things my dad have taught me, my step mom had said to me, and just growing up with a lot of women that has made me realize certain things that a man should do on a date. This doesn’t mean that I was all that good at it, but I wasn’t horrible either. So when I scroll down the list, I notice point number 3: “It’s not a date if: he whips out the groupon (coupon)

I found this statement to be strange. I know that we are living in hard economic times. People are hurting for money and I cant help but wonder why would a coupon to a restaurant be viewed as a negative thing? It is not like the guy who is using this coupon is making his date pay for the meal nor is he asking her to go dutch. I would assume that as long as two people have a good time and the bill is paid it shouldn’t matter. Apparently, I am wrong.

The one thing that I want to make clear here is that I am not guilty of this infraction when it comes to dating. When I take a woman out on a date, I expect to pay for the entire night. That is how I was raised. But, I know that not every man was raised like me. I also know that, again, times are hard for some people and that shouldn’t stop them from going out and having fun if they can afford it. There are many guys who believe that a woman would only date a man who either has money or the illusion of it.

Now, in their defense, perhaps they do not understand the dating rules and roles. Perhaps they do not comprehend words like elegance and chivalry. In any case, I think that by saying that coupons are a bad thing on a date leaves women open for criticism by many guys. Of course, I had to ask the women who follow me on Facebook thinking that perhaps they would give me good explanation of all of this…

Well…maybe after the third date. Lol. Depending in the types of girls your into, either way it will say more about you then the girl your actually taking out. And there’s no such thing as an expensive restaurant with coupons discount. You either have it or you don’t. Good luck! Lol.

Sometimes discretion is key to keep sexy alive. For instance, your girl shaving a hairy armpit in front of you… Not sexy, right? Okay, times are hard and most of us are basically screwed in the butt by this economy. So, if you take me on...

If it’s a first date, don’t do it- your better off taking her somewhere in your budget- if you can’t afford the place dont make her think that you can – that’s false advertising , like if she had a padded bra that made her 2 cup sizes bigger… Same thing

Needless to say this is topic that these women are well versed in. I also want to say they made my day yesterday. I laughed so hard because they make some good points here. I mean, if any man asks a women out, I would think it would be his responsibility to make himself look good. Of course, it depends on the woman who he takes out, which means that there has to be a conversation to get to know your date beforehand. I am not saying to ask if coupons are acceptable, but I think guys can get a sense of the type of woman they are dealing with by listening! (imagine that?)

However, not all women thought coupons were a bad idea:

I have to disagree w almost of all of you. I believe it takes a great woman to understand that it’s not about the coupon but it shows a man who is financially conscience and that is a GREAT quality in a man. I find that too many women are more concerned about the kind of restaurant they’re being taken to and how much he’ll spend on them. Well, take this advice from a woman who is writing a book on just this subject and also from a woman who pays for all of the 1st dates. Break out that coupon sweetheart!

Look, I don’t really know what the exact rule is, but I will say that to date a woman is expensive. A dinner and a movie will run about $150 if the guy is not careful. Think about this (and I am using NYC prices): 2 tickets for a 3D IMAX movie will cost $36. Dinner for two can be about $80. Take into account that I did not add snacks and popcorn from the movie nor did I add in drinks from dinner. I personally think that if a coupon is thrown in there somewhere it is not a terrible thing. Now, of course, he could purchase the tickets online using a voucher and she would never know. It is totally possible he could take care of the bill with a coupon while she is in the restroom. But can a cost conscious individual be all that bad?

Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?

I wasnt sure that I wanted to write about this but it is something that has just been on my mind. The other day, a student asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I did laugh when I heard this question. I havent really thought about it all that much. I know that I am single, but I never thought about posing that question to myself.

The funny thing is that I never answered the question. She just looked at me as I was just laughing. I told her that I did not have an answer and she said…”because you think women are crazy.” More hilarity in my opinion because that is something that I had said before. In most cases, the women I tell this to, all agree with me. However, this question did make me think about my solidarity.

I do not toot my own horn because I have made it very clear on this blog that I am not perfect. I have made mistakes that I am still paying for (perhaps this plays into why I do not have a woman). It was pointed out to me that I am a funny guy who is caring and can be sweet, so I guess there is a lack of understanding as to how I remain single. Of course, I can be an asshole too, but so can any guy I suppose. I just know that I am sarcastic when I have to be and yet things I point out can make anyone laugh…plus, I am not bad looking either! 🙂

Again, thinking about how humorous this conversation was, not because of the question itself – which was a small snippet of a larger conversation, I decided just to tweet this question. Well, it turns out that there are other people wondering the same thing. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I can almost hear it coming out of a random person as if it was another way of saying, “What is wrong with you?” haha

Well, only a few people know me well enough to figure out the answer to this question. I can say that right now, I am not sure I am where I want to be in my life. I get some of the best advice in life from my father, who tells me to just sit and observe. So that is what I am doing, watching women and how they react to me and to certain situations. I should not have to feel that I am in a rush to find someone but, I will say that after the havoc I have caused in my own life, I do not need more drama in my existing life.

I love women and I respect them. But, if do go out there and start looking, it has to be on my own terms and I gotta tell you, I have plenty of terms. To be quite honest, I have to really know what I want. Do not get me wrong, I am not looking for wife number 2 either, but I am gun shy and very cautious about things. I wont say it is due to lack of trust, just that uneasiness of not knowing.

However, there are negative things that also pop into my mind when it come to my future. I find myself being very happy for those who find love, especially those who I hold in high regard. I think everyone needs a shot at it. I just cringe when I see those, all too happy, pictures on Facebook with all smiles because it makes me wonder if I will ever get there. Sometimes I am not so sure. Life has a way of throwing curve balls that look really good, but then just drop out of sight without warning.

I think I have also graduated from the point of getting a jumpoff or having a random fling. While I will admit that this has occurred in the past, it is not who I am. My father comments on the amazing amount of restrain and patience that I have, but I think much of it is that I know that meaningless flings are a way of covering up a fear that resides in all single men. The fear of being alone is something that is very real amongst men that only gets worse as we get older. Some of us have it worse than others. Some of us have it bad enough that it will force us to settle.

Bottom line is that I choose to not have a girlfriend. Quite honestly, getting one is not as easy as people make it seem anyway, but that choice is all mine. I wont say that I do not have people in my life that I am not willing to date because I do, but right now fate seems to be against me.

Dating Game

The words the I remember the most from this weekend is “I don’t want you to get hurt”. These are words uttered to me by my father who called me this weekend because he wanted me to know that he was thinking about me and my upcoming free agency. It would make sense if you think about it. He was there to pick me up during my very first heart break.

I am very interested in seeing what the fuss is about. I want to sit here and say that I have not dated since the 90’s, but the real deal is that I have never been good at dating and I pretty much winged it. I met my ex wife through Yahoo personals because I was tired of going to bars and meeting superficial women who would not give me a second glance because I wasn’t a thug or rich looking. Granted, I was probably going to the wrong places and I get that, but in when you are single and in the 20’s where else do you really go?

Time is on my side and I am wiser. I am more confident in myself and quite frankly anyone woman would have a great time with me on a date. While I do not have much money because it seems that all I do is pay bills, I know how to have fun. I love to drive so the chances of me getting drunk are low.

What I have figured about myself is that I am a very patient person. I have seen loads of bullshit over the course of my life from women I know and have witnessed bullshit that other guys have gone through as well. So, I know there are pitfalls. I love women. I have grown up my entire life with them and I have come to realize that women lie better then men. They remember their lies and keep them together and quite frankly they tell better lies then men do.

I will continue to say that men are dumb. We do the dumbest things and tell the dumbest lies. Women are more sophisticated and will tell lies so that they do not lose ground, such as hiding the fact they care or flat out pretending that they do not care when in reality they do. However, women will also lie to make a man feel better like faking an orgasm. Either way, these are things that I have kept in mind.

My father has been such a great source in this process. I am not trying to figure out women all that much because that task is simply impossible. His simple advice is just to observe and listen. Listen to what a woman says because chances are whatever she is saying is not only important to her but could be important to me as well. Women love it when men listen to them because it shows they are not a sexual object. Observe what a woman does because body language is important. A woman’s actions speak louder than her words. She may lie but her body does not.

I have made up tons of excuses of why I have not gone out there and I know the time is coming for me to really start thinking about myself. I used the Hitch reference above because I saw this movie about 2 weeks ago after not seeing it for along time and I realized that anything is possible in the dating game if I simply remain who I am.

My Free Agency

NBA Free Agency is upon us and everything named Lebron seems to be dominated all kinds of news. But, there is one free agent in waiting that I am concerned with and that is me. Sure I am not in the NBA and I will not be signed to a million dollar contract but hey…This is me we are talking about.

I have been very leery of women because, let’s be honest, most of the one’s I have encountered are either crazy or close to it. I use the word crazy is the best possible way. It seems that I have an affinity toward them. Whatever the case, I think that I have not taken anything seriously because of my current status and I do not expect to be taken seriously either.

I fully anticipate my single status to be official by summer’s end. I joked to some people that I will be taking resumes with pictures when that comes. But in reality, I think I am going to tread lightly in the dating game. I am not even sure how much I really want to date right now based on the fact that I simply do not have my stuff together. I guess I could date with no strings just for the idea of having fun, but one thing I am not doing is dating in Syracuse.

It is all about perspective and mind set. Just how I started packing up some of my stuff this weekend because I need to get into that state of mind that my stay in Syracuse is now temporary. I need to let the fates know that I am pretty serious about getting up out of here. While the job market is not the greatest, I still need to make those moves. I just thank God that I found at least one roommate that will move in next month.

I am really not sure what is supposed to happen once all the paperwork is done. I would only assume that life will be just as normal as it ever was except that I will no longer have that excuse of not doing anything because I am still married. A friend pointed out to me that I will be able to do anything I want and not have to worry about anyone else. That might be the scary part. For such a long time I have thought about other people and not myself.

I truly believe that loneliness is related to freedom. They are not the same thing of course but I think there is a delicate balance. The fact that I am free to do what I want without having to consult anyone does bring me back to my college days but that freedom has a price. However, being that I am determined to get what I want out of life, being alone is not all that bad.

So being a free agent is exactly that…free. Marriage is not a institution of captivity, but if people make the wrong choices then it can be. I am just glad to be able to put things behind me so I can be better in the present and future.

Ulterior Motives

Last night I was watching Carlos Mencia, as evidence by the clip above. Every so often I wonder what is going on with the women in my life. Nothing ever seems like what it is. There always something extra that I cannot figure out. Or better yet, maybe there isn’t anything extra but I am being lead to believe something else. Whatever the case is, none of this is new. This has always been the way of the world. As a man, I have never understood women and I am not sure that I ever will.

I will be the first person to admit that men are assholes. I will say that men think differently than women. We think linearly and never really think about what we do and how it effects people around us. Women think circularly, which means they think in all different types of ways that men just never can.

Despite how funny this skit above is, the message is true. Women have ulterior motives when it comes to men. This is something that I have to remind myself constantly and as I write this it makes me angry because it means that my trust in women has to be evaluated. Now, before things get out of hand, I have to say most women and not all women in my life have to be looked at by me.

I do not have many male friends. I have a few because quite honestly because most guys I know are not on the same emotional level as I am. Do not get me wrong, I have very good friends who I can hang out with and talk lot of shit with. However, I cannot be real with them as I can with the women I know. But then I get into trouble because my perceived lack of character judgment. So if that is the case, then I have to look at everyone.

But my real question is, why is it that most women cannot be real? What is with the ulterior motives? Are you truly afraid of the judgment of men? Or are you looking for that one perfect human that may enter your life. I understand that women will ask a question wanting to get an answer they want to hear. I understand that if they do not get this answer that this must mean something. I also understand that this is crazy. When are we going to stop believing that everything that happens in movies are real?

I believe in the human spirit but I am not so sure I should anymore. I am still thinking that if I become the untrusting asshole that I know I can become that this will make my life easier to deal with. Not just deal with but lets think about it. How many assholes do you know that are chilling with all the things they want in life? It is that unrelenting lack of caring that makes them dominate their environment. That is why people who truly care about the welfare of other people do not make that much money.

Bottom line as I have been told by many women I know that women are ruthless. Right now the only thing I can control is myself and the situations I choose to be in. Honestly, men are dumb because we cannot see some of things that women want us to do. We cannot see the writings on the wall when they want us to. I can admit that much, however, some times it is just better for women to say what they want rather then have us figure out the mystery.

What is the Point of Looking?

Let me preface this post by saying that these are thoughts in my head that I am toying with. When you drive 4 hours from one place to another, you have time to think about life.

This year I will be 36 years old. I am getting closer to 40 and I start to see many things in my life clearly. I looked over my past battles over the idea of fate and it has left me with one question: What is the point of looking?

Bear with me here. I am going through a divorce in which I was married to her for 8 years. Before her there were years of me being single in which, I was looking for someone to love me as well as someone to love. My prior relationship ended badly and I was thus single for about 3 years. I didn’t really date, although I tried. But, I always felt I needed something or someone.

I do not feel that way anymore. Not really sure what has changed or how I got here, but I do feel that I do not need a woman to make me happy. There is the realization that I am talking about need and not want. I not going to say that I do not want a woman because of course I do, but I do not feel that I need the love of a woman to make me happy.

I think that we get in trouble in relationships because we constantly want to look for someone who is perfect for us. Why cant we just let fate decide? I know myself. I know that I will be single for a while. The difference between then and now is the simple fact that being alone no longer bothers me. I have a certain freedom of being able to do what I want to do.

The other things is… I am just not interested. Before I open those can of worms, I will say that I know who I want, but sometimes things are what they are. Outside of that, I am not interested in the drama. I am not interested in the getting to know someone well enough to realize that they are not for me. I am not a person who goes to the club to meet a woman. At this point, I am just going to live my life and let fate decide what is going to happen.

So, what is the point of looking? Ever lose something in your room and cannot find it, then you find it when are not looking for it? Same concept here. While it almost sounds that I am looking without looking, it really isn’t. I am too old for many of the games that I see other people go through. Right now, I am just trying to survive this month so I can deal with the next.

Plus, I am a guy and more often than not I seem to run into so many women that will actively preach that men ain’t shit. I dig it. I have made my fair share of mistakes and blunders thus, I am now a single man. I still do not see how any woman would want to deal with some of the very real issues I have right now. I am not saying this because feel bad about myself, I really don’t. Perhaps it is better this way, I can finally focus on me.

There was a point where I had a fear that I may die alone. Interestingly enough, I do not have that fear anymore. Not to say that I will or that I wont, things happen for a reason. If it meant for me to get another girlfriend it will happen regardless if I look for one or not. So why look?

Trust me, I have heard many things. I am still young, single, and have no children. So that some how qualifies me to be this object that women should go after because after all, women are ruthless. I have been told that everything a woman does is calculated. All I can say is…eh. Solitude is not a bad thing. I have family and friends that will keep me quite busy if I let them.

The point is, I need to get my shit together.

Women are Ruthless

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It is amazing what people will say when they find out that I am getting a divorce. I know that many people really do not know what to say when they hear about it, but there are those who know exactly what to say. From what I can tell, those who are still married and have never been through a divorce (or never witnessed one with their parents) never know what to say. It is those who have been through a divorce of any kind that have the most to say.

A few weeks ago, I had a buddy of mine talk to me when he found out that I was getting a divorce. After making sure that I was ok, he begins to tell me how different women are from when we were single. Of course, I am thinking, “have I been married that long?” Seriously, did something happen that I don’t know? How the hell are things different? He tells me this one line that I am not going to forget: Bitches are ruthless. Whoa.

He explains to me that women will do whatever is necessary to get what they want. His point is that I am good catch and women these days will sniff me out and “sink their claws in me.” He had a general concern that I may not be ready for this. I have told him what I am telling everyone: I am not trying to date anyone. I need to do me. I need to make myself happy. He is response that I can use women to achieve this goal…again, whoa.

So, like I normally do when I encounter such information, I seek the advice of my female friends. Imagine my surprise when they agreed! There is something that I never really thought about and that is the fact that there is a man shortage. Women out number us, which give men the ability to have options. Women, particularly in my age group, that are looking for a good man will make sure they will do what they need to to achieve this goal. I found this to be very surprising.

See, I hated dating when I was in my 20’s. In fact, I didn’t do it much. Why? because women did not pay much attention to me. Now, maybe you can blame that on the fact that I was looking in the wrong direction when it came to women. However, it seemed to me that women in their 20’s are looking for something I do not have. Most, times they seem to be looking for thugs, and I am far from that. Maybe times have changed, but I cannot say for sure. So the fact that women will try to get their claws into me is something I am not really ready to accept.

It was then explained to me that their are certain qualities that I posses. I am educated. I have a good career. I can take care of myself. After that, the two most important things: I am (or will be) single and I have no kids. Whoa. I find this all to be very interesting. I can understand what people are telling me, but all I can say it that I am still not dating anyone. You cannot “sink your claws” into something you cannot grab.

So, now I am in My Sanctuary, here in Florida. My parents have taken much time and effort into pulling just about every detail into what happened with my marriage. I told them just about everything. At the end, we talked about my future, and once again I was told that women can be ruthless! My dad pretty much told me that when a woman wants something she will do anything, including hurting her friends to get a man she wants. That is crazy! My step mother did not even disagree! In fact, she told me that women just do not care. Where are these women?? I am really trying to figure out who I know that is like that.

This information is something I clearly need to ponder. I mean I wont go into it too deeply, but it is something I need to be aware of. I wont lie, I have been under the impression that most women do not know what they want. However, with age this changes. I begin to wonder it is because of desperation or simply that the men they have dated in the past simply were not for them and they need a change of pace. I am not sure.

All I can say is that women confuse me and will always confuse me. I know I am not perfect. But, perhaps with the man shortage I was told about, it is difficult for a woman to make a choice on what to do.