my life – Page 24 – Anthony Otero

Why Sarah Lawrence College?

During this process of me applying to admission for graduate school, some people have asked me the same questions. One of them is Why Sarah Lawrence College? Well, in all my submissions of writing samples and bios, I was asked the same thing by SLC. Here is my response:

There came a point in time when I decided that I need to move and leave Syracuse. My divorce was just about final and I reached a point at my job that I could go no further. I was doing a job search and came across a position at Sarah Lawrence College. It was a development position that I felt I could do really well in. So, as I was applying, I decided to take a look at what Sarah Lawrence does for its students.

As I searched the website, I noticed the graduate studies program in Creative Writing. I found myself very intrigued by this. I heard about a Masters degree in English, but not writing. I decided to bookmark the site and keep it in the back of my mind, just in case I get the position, perhaps I can take classes part time.

As it turns out, I did not get the position but I did speak to a fellow writer who lives in White Plains, New York. She informed me that I should really look into Sarah Lawrence and that it was one of the best schools in the country for Creative Writing. I began to look further into it and looked at all the alumni who passed through. Once again, I put in on the back burner because I had to deal with my divorce.

Last October, Syracuse University hosted a graduate school fair. This was an event that I was working. I had to make sure the tables were set up and that the organizers had everything they needed. Once the fair started I started looking at all the schools, walking table by table and I came across Sarah Lawrence College. This was the only school that I actually stopped and talk to the admissions representative.

She was a nice lady that told me she had just graduated and wanted to go on this particular college fair to let people know how great this school was. She mentioned that it changed her life since she was an older lady looking to start over. I do not remember this woman’s name but she won me over. The idea of starting over in order to something you love just did it for me. Coincidently, she was graduated from the Creative Writing Program.

I took my curiosity a step further and visited the campus the very next month before the Thanksgiving break. My friend, who spoke very highly about Sarah Lawrence, met me for some coffee in Bronxville and showed me the town. After seeing how great this town was I ventured to the campus. I had no idea what I was doing but I found my way to the admissions office where I was able to take a tour.

On my hour long tour, I fell in love with the campus and the atmosphere. I began to imagine myself writing on the many benches on the campus and doing some real creative work. I am not sure I could have found a better place that will be better for me to do work. The campus seems very quiet and yet very welcoming to ideas and to people.

I want to peruse my dream at Sarah Lawrence College because I feel I can belong here.

Bio, my life, writing

Pursuing Graduate Work

First let me just tell you that I am so excited to be at this point in my life. I never thought I be looking forward to going back to school, but you know what? This is just the beginning. When I clicked submit and all my materials were sent, I realized that I am at a different point in my life. I am not going to let anything stop me from what I want. I need to do this for myself.

Last year was rough but, I set myself up so well for this year. I have so many things in the works right now that if I play my cards right I may be able to attain the happiness that I have been craving so much for. Every obstacle that has been in my way has been a test of my resolve.

I also want to thank those who have always believed in me. Those who always tell me that I am brilliant writer even if I did not believe it myself. No matter if I get into Sarah Lawrence or not, this is just the beginning for me because I would have done this just a year ago. I stay humble because I am not perfect in anything that I do. There is always room for improvement and while I may roll my eyes when someone points out a spelling error on any of my blogs (and trust me there are quite a few), I appreciate the love and the critiques.

So sticking with my theme of just letting it all hang out on the blog, here is another bit of writing below to a question that Sarah Lawrence asked… “Why do you want to pursue graduate work…?”

I am current working at Syracuse University and one of the things that I have come to understand in the nine years of employment is that we ask young men and women from the ages of 18 to 22 to make a decision on what they want to do for the rest of their lives. The problem is that most people do not find themselves until they are about 30 years old and by that time they may be at a job they do not like and a marriage they cannot believe they are in. That is very close to my story.

I went to school at Syracuse University and I had no clue of what I wanted to do. I knew that I could write but I could never forget people telling me how much of a bad idea it was to be a writer particularly if I was not going into journalism. I chose to be a history major because that was something I excelled in really well in High School. But, once I started taking courses, I began to really dislike it. I was having a cultural awakening that made me take African American and Latin American History courses. I considered myself at an impasse because I did not want to be a history major anymore.

I tried switching to another school within the university but my grades were not good at all. I looked back at it now and I know that I did not apply myself. I was dealing so much with my parents’ divorce and the social pressures of just being a student in a predominately white institution. I found some of my courses to be uninspiring and thus I had trouble focusing. The courses I did well in were course that had to with culture. That changed when I became an English Major. I found that I really enjoyed reading and it only made my writing better.

When I graduated in 1996, I was stuck wondering what I was going to do about a job. Grad School was not an option for me at the time because I took the GRE and I didn’t do very well. I always had trouble with standardized tests and quite frankly, I felt I was done with school. I wanted to try my skills in the real world.

I bounced around several jobs and found myself back at Syracuse University as an employee. Of course, of benefits was taking courses for free. This time I felt that if I do take classes I would be ready. I originally chose to go the route of business degree to enhance my job skills, so as an introduction to the School of Management, I had me take a graduate Economics course. Even though this was just one class, I knew this would be the hardest thing I had to do. Math was not my subject and I also worked 60 hour weeks.

With all my hard work, I passed the course and proved to myself that I am ready for graduate school; however, I didn’t want to do business. I made the decision to try courses in the higher education field since I worked for Student Affairs, it made sense. I took two courses and I absolutely loved it. It combined the things that I liked: culture, writing, and reading. My grades further proved that I can handle graduate work. However, something was missing.

Once my marriage crumbled, I started my blog called “Inside my head”. I started writing so much that I could not stop. I found myself writing poems, short stories, and just about anything that came to mind. So, I have decided to take a chase and do something that I really love which is creative writing. The divorce has put my life into perspective and in a sense, I have found myself. Now, I just want to go to school to improve on a craft that I have been doing for years.

Bio, my life

Me in a 1000 Words…

Below is my autobiography in exactly 1000 words. This took me 4 drafts and massive editing in about 3 weeks to complete. I just submitted this today. Please…be very candid with me and tell me what you think…

**********************

I was born on June 12, 1974 in the Bronx. My parents are both second generation Latinos that grew up in New York City. Both were in previous marriages before they tied the knot in 1972. My mother already had my brother from her first husband.

I grew up in the 1980’s, where I witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, the birth of the Hip Hop culture, and the emergence of the era of greed. The fears of a nuclear war were real to me. I sought refuge in comic books as an escape from the world and my parents failing marriage.

I attended Holy Cross Elementary School where I discovered that I enjoyed writing stories involving my classmates. My love for comic books gave me the inspiration to write. In 1986, I saw my parent’s marriage end. My mother took me and left the house I grew up in. My father stayed as we moved across the Bronx three times in six years. I attended St. Raymond’s High School where I grew conflicted with their divorce. Writing became an outlet to get away from the pain.

At sixteen, the divorce court judge asked me to choose which parent to live with. I ultimately chose my father. This decision was based on struggles of boyhood and masculinity. My mother eventually disowned me before my admission to college.

I enrolled at Syracuse University in 1992 as a history major. I was told countless times that there was no money in writing and I gave it up. After the first semester, I wanted to do something different and took an opportunity to change my major. I made several friends that majored in film and joined a club that did television skits while showing hip hop music videos. The show was called “The Rhythm.”

I enjoyed being creative and wanted to transfer into the College Visual and Performing Arts for film. The two requirements necessary to gain admission was to write a five minute screenplay and have a 2.5 average. My grades were not as good as they should have been, but I did write a screenplay entitled “Call Your Mother”. It was about a boy and his relationships with his father and estranged mother. I was never able to transfer colleges, but I did finally change my major to English.

College was where I discovered my identity. While I always identified as Latino, I never knew what that really meant. My dark complexion would make anyone think that I was African American. I realized that my identity was fluid in nature since I can live in both worlds and not be accepted in either. It would take me years to figure out my place in the world.

I graduated in 1996. After working in Syracuse and dealing with a bad break up, I found myself back in the Bronx in 1998 dealing with my father having cancer. He was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer from working with asbestos in gas mains for Con Edison. Interestingly enough, he was able to take an early retirement and moved to Florida where he lives currently.

During my time back home, I moved into my own place. I started my first blog in 1999 called “A-bomb’s World.” It was an amateur’s attempt to write about life in New York City. I wrote for a few years and took it down at some point. I began to repair the relationship with my mother. Since I was not having luck with women, I felt solidifying our relationship would bring closure to our past.

I met my ex-wife in 1999. We dated for a few years and she helped me get a job down on Wall Street. I was there during September 11, 2001 during the World Trade Center disaster. I was lucky to be uninjured and it was then that I chose to leave New York City. A week prior, I was interviewing for a position within student affairs at Syracuse University. I was offered the job and I moved, taking my girlfriend with me. We married in June of 2002 and decided to follow every couple’s dream of owning a home in 2003. Soon after, life seemed to repeat itself as my marriage began to fall apart like it did for my parents. As we began to grow distant, I created the current version of my blog entitled “Inside My Head” in 2009. I realized that I stopped doing the one thing that really defines me: writing.

I came to terms with my identity. Being one of few Latino administrators at Syracuse, I became an advisor to many Latino students. I also helped create the Latino Heritage Month celebrations that still occur today. I took graduate courses in Cultural Foundations of Education because I wanted to further my education. I finally understood that I was Afro-Latino after soul searching through research papers.

This new found awareness is seen in my short stories, poems, and blog entries that were based on pent up emotions that I have had for years. I expressed myself in such a way that words poured out. It felt like my mind was once closed and writing opened it up. My blog has been a tale of my journey through marriage to divorce and identity that I call “the road to personal redemption”.

After working at Syracuse for 9 years, my desire is to move back home. The job market is not good and I want to expand my passion for writing. In October of 2010, I went to a graduate school fair in Syracuse where I met a woman from admissions. Her love for Sarah Lawrence fueled my interest. I always felt that my style of writing was missing something and I want to explore that. I chose Sarah Lawrence because the reputation of the writing program is unmatched. In December of 2010, my divorce was finalized. I now have the power to look into the future a wiser man.

goals, my life, reflections, resolutions

Resolutions

Over the last couple of days, I had to really look back and ask myself what do I really want for this new year. Before the years was up, I really did not think about 2011 and what I may have in store of it. Alas, I did not want to get to a point where I felt I was just coasting through life. I need to make sure that I do everything I can to ensure my happiness even in times when I feel the most lazy.

I could have done many things better last year. I know that my biggest enemy is myself. It is like that for so many students that I see who come through my door. We tend to be our worst enemies because success is not an easy thing to attain. It is damn hard and many times it is easier to make excuses rather than battle through whatever obstacle is in our path. I feel that I have been lazy last year. I was so busy waiting for things to happen that I lost sight of many goals. I cannot do that anymore. Even as I type this, I know how hard it is to stay motivated.

So for the sake of my sanity, yesterday, I created a list of resolutions that I need to work on for 2011. These are not superficial things. These are things that I need to do in order to get back to the essence of me. I have always been able to look at the potential of others, now I have to look at my potential. I have struggled to recognize my worth for the longest time and now that I have gotten a sense of that, I need to figure the perimeters of my potential.

I want to start by clearing my credit card debit. Now, my debt as whole is larger that just credit cards, and a lot of that is due to owning a home, but I want to concentrate on this seemingly small portion because I need to put my money to better use. I think that by doing this I can afford more and worry less. Now that I have three roommates, I think that I can fulfill this goal fairly easily. Do not get me wrong, I am not paying them all off and then discarding them, I want to pay them off and continue use them responsibly. Now that I am fully living the single life, I need to live a little more and have my money work for me.

Although I have been in relatively good health, I feel the need to get back to the work out regime that I had in 2009. I need to start running 3-4 times a week like I used to. I would use just about anything as an excuse to not run. I need to stop that. For months now I have been concerned that perhaps I started putting the weight back on that I lost 2 years ago. I have attributed my lack of soda drinking to my weight loss so the least thing that I have done is to continue to stop drinking it. However, I still feel that I may gained some back.

The funny thing is my pants still feel and look the same. So I do not feel a tightness, however, I feel like perhaps my shirts can be too small. Granted I am probably thinking too deeply into this because I am still relatively slim but, as I get older, things like diabetes and blood pressure may become an issue. In any case, I had to face whatever this feeling was that perhaps I am gaining weight back. When I was in Harvard last week, I weighed myself. I am 167 lbs and I was shocked. I am still relatively the same weight. Maybe my shirts are shrinking…

…the next day when I was having dinner with 2 of my paternal aunts, one mentioned that I am not as slim as I was last year. I heard that and I said to myself. I need to run.

I then thought about how quickly the 2 year anniversary of this blog is coming. I feel that I have at times neglected this site as well as my writing due to my laziness. I need to always make sure that I am on my game. Which is why I have decided to shoot for a goal of at least 175 blogs for 2011. That is about 15 entries a month until the end of the year (I rounded up). I need to push myself further so I make this be happy about what I can do with my writing. I know that I have used my tumblr account strictly for my poetry…but that may not be the case anymore. I think that site has become a whole another animal entirely.

With the thought of increasing the number of entires per month it is only natural that I think about broadening my audience. I would like to get more followers. I am not sure how I am going to do this. I feel that this blog is a product of me. I think that I share my stories and my journeys because I want to leave my mark on the world. However, I still know that I write for me and not for others and yet I want more people to follow me. I think that is just the nature of being a writer. I want people to read what I write with the understanding that I am not here for anyone in particular.

However, I am enjoying so very much the interactions I get on Facebook and I would love to continue that. I feel that I can get ideas from the people who read me. Often times when I am thinking about what to write it can almost be like a conversation and in many ways the Latinegro page has allowed me to have that conversation. So, I want more followers because I feel that I want more people to join into whatever conversation that I am having on here.

The final goal has been an on-going goal since 2009. I need to move back to NYC. I think in many ways I have been lazy about that to. Not that I have lost the desire, but more that I think I lost a little bit of hope last year. When I ended my last entry for 2010 I said that I wanted to hope more and dream less because I think I thrive on hope. While dreams are something we all have, I think people can spend too much of their time dreaming and less time living. I plan on getting back on my grind and getting back to NYC as soon as possible.

Hip-Hop, music, my life, Wu-Tang Clan

Can I get a Wu-Tang?

Today is the Wu-Tang Concert that I am going to. I have made this event pretty well known on Twitter and on my personal Facebook page. I am very excited to go because this is the first time I am attending a concert outside of Syracuse in a very long time.

I do not express my love for hip hop nearly as much as I should on this blog. I consider myself a fan of older hip hop than of it’s current version. But, there are some individuals and groups that I would pay to see over and over again. Clearly, Wu-Tang Clan falls into this category. I find it funny because I love their music but I do not look like the typical hip hop fan in my opinion. People joke and call me professor (especially with my new glasses) but I quickly remind people that I grew up in the Bronx, where hip hop started.

I will always say that I feel privileged enough to be around when a culture was born. Even though I was really young when this whole thing started, I still saw how the world of music change around me. I make fun of my brother because he is seven years my elder and I can remember the funky clothes he used to wear while carrying that boom box he got on his 15th birthday. The hip hop culture is something that was always a subject that the both of use could relate to, even when things were not going well.

I feel that Wu-Tang Clan represents everything I wanted in Hip Hop at the time. The beats were crazy and the lyrics were sick. Since I used to watch Kung Fu flicks when I was in a kid, it only made the entire experience more enjoyable. I can remember back in my college days that my roommate and I would go back in fourth blasting CDs. He would blast The Notorious B.I.G (before his CD came out…) and I would pump Wu-Tang’s first album. It never got old and we loved every minute of it. This is also a time when you can buy an album and love the majority of songs on it. I find that to rare these days in any genre.

There was something about this group back in the 90’s, when I was in college, that represented a sense of freedom to me. I was away from my parents and I was loving life in the best way I could. Now, almost twenty years later, I can say that I almost feel the same way. I can go to this concert as my last act of freedom in 2010 and to usher in 2011 as a free single man that can do whatever he pleases.

The one thing I will try not to do is to not be too critical of the venue or the show in the technical aspect. The worst part about being an event planner and working so may concerts is that someone like myself be can critical of the staff. I will try my best to just enjoy the show!

my life, reflections

Reflections of 2010

It is funny that I find myself here again reflecting on the past year. I stated last year that I felt the year went by slowly and feel the same way again this year. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps I have been able to take note of what is going on in my life via this blog or perhaps I am trying to stop and smell the roses along my journey.

One thing is for certain, 2010 was definitely better than 2009. I think about all the things that I have been through and all the personal victories that I can claim. while this was the year my divorce process started and was completed, it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would have been when the year started. There is no personal vendetta in this equation and it works. However, I am amused that other people harbor negative feelings about the end of our marriage as if it had anything to do with them.

I set out to explore more of my poetic side this year and I am so very glad to find that I am better at poetry than I thought. I think I must have written close to 50 poems this past year. I have not counted how many but I think I am so what close that number. During the process of the the 30 for 30 poems, I think I really found something creative within that is making look onward to 2011. It has not escaped me that I haven’t written many poems over the last few months and couple that with the fact that my poems are generally in a different site all together, I am going to put my top 5 poems that I wrote this year on this blog.

I also spent a lot of time on the cultural side of things. I dedicated the month of February to Afro Latinos. I enjoyed doing that so much but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I felt that my lack of knowledge of this subject really showed and I was not proud of that fact. However, I also feel that I taught myself so much when it come to Afro Latinos that it all balanced out in the end. What I did like very much was when I did the 30 Day Latino Blog Challenge. This was an undertaking that provided me with attention that I did not expect. This was another challenge I put upon myself that I took seriously. In the end, it provided me with a glimpse of what I want to do in the future.

My speech at Utica College showed me that I can do two things: speak publicly about anything without seeming like a fool and read my own poetry without seeming like a fool. This made me very happy. Not only did I get paid for something that I love to do, but they audience actually listened to me and responded. I am not sure that it will always be like that but I do want to find out. Because of this experience it has made me realize that I really need to go back to school. Which is why I am currently working hard on my application to Sarah Lawrence College. I would love to be professor and help cultivate the art of writing for those who love it as much as I do.

I also cannot forget my trip to the Dominican Republic. This was something that I will never forget, not just because of the wedding, but because of the timing. I needed to escape all my issues and just be in a place where nothing matters. I was with family and friends and they all related to me. I can remember the times I looked out into the ocean and thought about how beautiful it was and how fortunate I was to be there to see it.

All and all, I think I had a very good year. I think I explored myself the most during this year. 2009 highlighted the pain of my journey and I would like to think that 2010 highlighted the hope of my continuing journey. I continue to check off things from my list of goals, like getting roommates, and I will continue to do for me. I think the fact that I added a facebook profile to this page also helps me interact to those who read this blog. I am very grateful and I look forward to carving out what 2011 means to my journey.

divorce, my life, reflections

A New Chapter

If I had to tell a tale of my 30’s , it would be a tale of struggle, new experiences, opportunities gained, opportunities lost, and a road to a new chapter. My dear friends, my divorce is now final. My ex wife made the phone call to me this evening as I was dozing off. She told me that she received the letter today in the mail. I was in that sleepy shock.

There was a moment in which we were both silent over the phone. I think that was the moment in which we reflected on the last 8 years of marriage and 10 years of knowing each other. I am always amazed about how overwhelming finality can be. We all seem to underestimate how it feels to actually end anything. Is it no wonder that when athletes end their career it often times, ends in tears. While there were no tears for this I think there was mutual feeling that we finally ended something in our own terms and not in the way most people wanted.

Thus it is a start of a new chapter for me. I was 26 the last time I was truly single. I feel that with all this experience I have, I can write this new chapter of my life with very few issues. Which, in terms of writing, comes at a very good time considering that I do have to write an autobiography in about 1500 words for Sarah Lawrence College. I am more confident in the things that I want to do. I feel like I take care of myself better. The best part is that I don’t feel like I need a girlfriend. The possibility of me being alone is no longer a fear for me.

I feel that I have recognized all the things that I have done wrong and have done everything in my power to correct… me. What is funny to me is that the finalizing of this divorce comes at a time in which I normally reflect on the past year. Instead, I reflect on the past decade as I venture into the next one.

People have taken the time to congratulate me on this and while I am on my fifth glass of wine I can say, I am not sure that this is inappropriate. I do not think that people are celebrating a failure of a marriage but a creation a new journey for me. It is like have a celebration for a phoenix, a life cycle that is turbulent and ends in flames but then is reborn from the ashes…

Facebook, mother, my life

Child Discipline or Abuse

This was my picture on Facebook to support child abuse.

Before I even begin I want to give a shout out to Brooke, who started this thought process for me on this topic. She wrote a very good blog post earlier today that made me think about a few things.

I really didn’t talk much about Thanksgiving this year. I did not talk about that week at all outside of Sarah Lawrence. I was in my own world doing my own thing and I know that it appears to some that I may have blown people off, but it is simply not that simple. But, if I can cut a small piece of that week out for all to view, it will be spending the holiday with my mother and that side of the family.

It is always interesting times to go over there. My aunt lives in Riverdale, which is a very upscale part of the Bronx. This was one of the few places in the Bronx where I spent some time living because Riverdale was spot number 2 that we moved to once my mom left my dad. It is really not a bad area, however, this was the first place I was called a nigger by a white kid and I have been thinking about my identity ever since (a story for another time).

The issue for that day was who was I going to go with. Was I going to go with mom or my brother? I ended up driving myself because at the end of the day, I would rather have the option of leaving when I wanted. Plus, I had another stop to make (benefits of having a big family…options and other places for food!). There is always a bit of trepidation when I am going to family gatherings because you never know. My history with that side of the family is an extension of my relationship with my mother. So, I had to be cautiously optimistic.

Dinner started as soon as I got there because I was the last one. It was not my fault it took me almost an hour to find parking in Riverdale. The food was good. We laughed and ate, things were merry. In fact, I ate so much that I was about to pass out. I wanted to sleep so bad! I decided to walk around and play with my smaller cousins and nephew.

Then desert came and we started this discussion. The kids were a little rowdy, but I know I have seen worse. One of older my cousins, who has no children, starts talking about how people need to discipline their children more otherwise these kids will run rampant. I knew what she was saying. The adults want to be adults and the kids need to be curbed. Somehow we got on this conversation about some kids need to get a beat down but the laws are so strict that kids these days like to threaten their own parents with calling child services. The running joke was of course, the kid would be like “I am going to call the police” and the parent would respond something like “Go Ahead…they can keep you” or “You wont make it to the phone” (all of this was amusing..trust me)

Let me just say that I know I wasn’t the best kid in the world. I used to get hit to and for the most part I deserved it. My grades sucked, I broke stuff, I would not listen, and I just could not get my shit together. So there was no surprise to me that my mother chimes in at some point and talks about how she used to beat me. We laughed as she told the story about how she chased me around the house and finally caught me in my bedroom. I started screaming for my dog, Bosco (which was this big wolf like dog). He comes running in and jumps on my mother! Then he realizes who it was he just tackles and runs out the room in a hurry. I remember this and it was very hysterical.

Then there were more stories and I started thinking… I can remember getting hit more by her than her hugging me. Now, I am not saying I was abused. I would argue that I was not. But, it forces me to think about all my relationships with women. One of my aunts told me that my mother had no patience with me many times and her anger would come out easily. I realize that I strive so hard for the approval of women and I take a lot of “abuse” when I don’t have to.

I bring this up because over the past week there have been many people changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoon characters of their youth to promote child abuse awareness. The premise is to relive happy memories of our younger days. While some people have said that this is silly because it wont stop the abuse of children, I am for it because child abuse is wrong. Giving money wont stop child abuse either, but at least more people will be aware that some kids are born to some really bad parents.

Back to me. I am not saying that my mother was this abusive woman, but I was once for hitting kids when they were unruly. I am not so sure anymore. People do not seem to realize how fragile a relationship with a child is. The foundation of all relationships are laid when are children. If there are issues with this foundation, it will be something that kids will be dealing with for the rest of their lives.

Christmas, money, my life

Anxious About Spending?

We are entering the Christmas season and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am finally catching up on those bills and the extra money is making me anxious. It is not that I want to spent it frivolously, it is because there is so much I have not gotten myself, outside of the essentials, over the past year. I am afraid to actually get something for me that I may enjoy.

I am concerned that I will regret getting a Nook or a Wii because what if I may need the money for something else? I would love to get a new Macbook but there is something in the back of my mind that is stopping me from pulling that trigger. Don’t get me wrong, I need clothes too and chances are that I will be more comfortable with getting a new suit, or boots, or maybe even a new pair of gloves rather than a flat screen TV. It is horrible to think that the chance of finally upgrading to an iPhone 4 (which will cost me about $200) has arrived and I do is get anxious about it.

Then it gets me wondering, do I really need video games? Most likely not, but I know that I do not have any new consoles. This is something that I am not complaining about but, I know that video games was something that once entertained me immensely. When I was in BestBuy this past Friday, I saw the Wii Black on sale for like $140. I almost died thinking about how easy it would be for me to purchase it right there and then. Either way, I am glad I didn’t do that because I do have the desire to get some gifts for people in my life for Christmas.

There is the thought, of course, that perhaps I do deserve to splurge just a little since I have been hard on myself. However, I have purchased books and I go out to drink every so often. Yet, there is this thought that I need to save as much as I can just in case something else goes wrong.

So I have a lot of thinking to do before the year is over on what I should do. I have another trip to NYC to make for another holiday and I will once again be looking to have fun so I may just save the money until then.

My Goal, my life

Motivation Rising

This week went by way too fast. I feel like such a Gemini in times like these because I have two competing feelings right now. I feel like I have done so much in a short amount of time here in NYC, but at the same time I feel like I have not done nearly enough. It all seems so duplicitous without the negative indication.

I have had to remind myself several times that this is my time off and that I cannot worry about work or anything else that may ultimately stress me out. However, I know that I have come down here to get several things done, as well as, accomplish some goals that I have set. I can say that I have completed most of those goals, but now I am beginning to see that my time in NYC is coming to an end (at least until next month).

Between the music, family, and a few others, I feel like I have a new motivation to get where I need to go while still doing the same things. I have also come to the realization that I have sacrificed many things this year on this path to self redemption (which I am still on, by the way). Things that I thought made me happy or perhaps I felt made me happier, when in reality…somethings I did in my life were just a way to masquerade the fact that I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I think we all realize, at some point, that either we are or we are not living up to a potential that was set for us a long time ago. The question is, what do we do with that information once it become apparent to us?

So, in basic terms, I am not happy with myself. I can be doing so much better than I am now. This goes back to what I was saying earlier in the year about self worth. I am worth way more than what I am getting now. The problem is I have allowed this to happen to me. Don’t get me wrong, shit happens sometimes and we all have to take our lumps. However, we do not have to become complacent in doing so. Believe it or not, I have had many of conversation with people who have come to the same conclusion that I have: Syracuse has a way of just keeping you.

There is not secret that I feel more alive when I am down here to visit. The vibe is different. The way of life is completely conducive to the way I think, I feel, I dress…the way I want to live! What I find equally funny is how I have been told that I am so mean to people because I never really thought I was. Well, I realize that may I am a bit mean to people and that will not change, however, being in this city has made realize that I am so used to brash people that I tend to be that way without really noticing. So I guess you can take the boy out of the Bronx, but you cannot take the Bronx out of the boy.

I will spend my last full day in New York City tying up some loose ends before I head back tomorrow to a place that I am almost certain has snow in it. I have acquired a few more things to think about in terms of my future that I do need to work on.