my life – Page 10 – Anthony Otero

Afraid of Everything

I don’t understand it. I feel the closer I get to what I’m striving for the more fear I feel. While I’ve learned push to it aside and keep going, it has made me pause on more than one occasion. This isn’t like any phobia that I know of. I’m not talking about the fear of flying or the fear of getting mugged on the street. What I’m referring to is the fear of success (or maybe that is a phobia).

What if I actually become this writer that people say I have the potential to be? There is a certain amount of craziness to that. It just increases my own expectations of myself. I’m in the game because many times writing has gotten through the roughest portions of my life, so for this to become more than just a hobby can be frightening.

I have just gotten used to the notion that the novel might actually be decent. What’s scaring me is not fact that that book might be bad, it’s the fact that people might actually read it. There are a lot of things going on in the book that makes me wonder what would happen if someone at my college read it and were offended by the overall theme. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an x-rated book where sex is dripping from every page, but there are themes that are discussed that make me cringe a bit for the only fact that my parents will read it.

There is a bluntness about the story. Men do stupid things all the time and I’ve had to dig deep in many chapters of the story. Yet, I cannot help but think some people will have a problem with it. I have been criticized before and I’m very aware of my past mistakes. I just have this fear that I will have to go in front of a firing squad again.

This is not say that I don’t fear failure because I do but, I know how to recover from it. I have failed before and I will fail again. I learn from it. I’m not sure I would be all that upset if no one read the novel because not many have read it thus far anyway. No matter what happens I can still say that I created something. I can at least say that I fulfilled a goal of mine. The problem is that as I’ve gotten older, I have become more aware of that is going in the world. One wrong move and labels fly. We live in an era for public shaming without discussion. I know that I cannot satisfy everyone and I’m well aware there are people in this world who wish me success and some who wish me failure. I think too much and I get it. I’m a perpetual over-thinker and even with that I still make silly mistakes so I cannot foresee everything.

Which also means that my fears extend beyond the pages. I’m in a very good place in my life. I really couldn’t be happier and that is also unsettling. In the past, there were gaps in my life where stress and uneasiness was just a part of my everyday existence. Not having that in my life is a pleasure but it makes me think that something is right around the corner, some unforeseen threat that will crack what is going with me.

I know. I know, it sounds like paranoia, but it’s also adulthood. Which bring me to my last fear. I turn 40 this year and there seems to be a theme with everyone on Facebook and Instagram. Everyone is having a baby. I’ve made this clear years ago that I stopped hoping for this possibility because I just didn’t see it and while things are looking better, I will be an old man if this does indeed happen. Granted, I’m not talking about Dick Clark old or even Charlie Chaplain old when having kids, but is a thought that weighs on me from time to time.

I press on because I have to. As much fear as I may have, I do recognize most of my fears are indeed irrational. I made a pledge to make zero excuses and I will continue to do so but the fear will always make me pause.

my life, Novel, writing

This or That: Self Publish or Not?

I needed to take a small break from the all the amazing guest bloggers to really express that I’ve come to the proverbial fork in the road when it comes to this novel. Last week started off a chain of events that has lead me to make a decision on how this book is going to be published.

I’ve never been too proud to admit that I’m still learning when it comes to this process. I’m still very much a student of the writing game and have barely a clue on any thing more than just self publishing. I figured that this would be the best thing for me because I’m usually the ‘do it yourself’ type of person. Yet, there was always a small pull to look into traditional publishing. Even my girlfriend tried to put a bug in my ear that I should at least look into it.

Perhaps there was a part of me that thought that my work is not good enough to submit. There have been many times during this process where fear almost got the best of me. So I just ignored that pull and kept on my journey to just do it myself. But then I got an email from a relative. It was just a quick link about formatting a manuscript in order submit it to a publishing company. This is when I began to realize that I know even less than what I thought I knew. When I informed my editor about what I learned she quickly told me to send her all the chapters again in this manuscript format.

Maybe it sounds too simple, but this one act of reformatting this draft into a manuscript had changed they way I looked the future of this book. I had to face some facts about all this.

I haven’t set a date for this book to come out. I’ve always said before the summer or maybe the spring of this year. The reason for this was because I’m not sure how long editing will take and how long it may take me to add revisions if I need to. So going the publishing route would set the date for but it may not even be this year. (yikes)
It will cost me some money to self publish. This is something that I always knew going into this process but it would be nice if I didn’t have to.
I have a feeling that designing the book jacket is not going to be easy. I will need a graphic designer which wont be cheap (although, I’m considering some of my comic book buddies to help out with art lol). Clearly this is something I would not have to worry about so much if I go the traditional route.
I have no plan whatsoever on how to market this book other than word of mouth and social media. Publishing companies are all about the marketing of a book.

So where does that leave me? I think that I owe it to myself to try this. I’ve already gotten some leads on some publishing companies but I also know that for the most part I need an agent to submit the manuscript for me. Believe it or not, I do know someone that can help me out. So the act of submitting to a publishing company may become a reality.

I will admit that the reaction from the test readers has put me in a position where confidence is high. But, I’m fully aware that my manuscript could be rejected. As a first time novelist, this is something that you have consider and just take it on chin if it does happen. In any case, I’m feeling that I need to do this so that I can at least say I tried.

If all else fails than self publishing is the route to take.

Blogging, my life

Five Years a Blog

I have been racking my brain to come up with a good intro to this blog and I simply can’t. There is no better way to say that I have been a consistent writer. I have found time for myself over the last five years to continue something that I once considered a hobby. Now this blog is simply another facet of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a time (when I was a Padawan) when I wrote a blog entry every day for four months. Now, my blogs are sparse because life has changed for me. I think that my writing and the overall look of this blog has evolved along with my outlook on life. I’m just glad I have this outlet that people occasionally read.

What these years have taught me more than anything else is that I need to maintain my sense of humility. I have made mistakes that are not like typos that I can just fix with a keyboard. I will carry those for as long as I need too. However, there have been successes. I think that I have gained more support since I left Blogger to come to WordPress and I’m very happy about that.

The future is still unclear though. There is a serious thought about stepping my blog game up once again. I currently do not pay for this site and to me, it shows. I remember at one point I had my own domain name. My ridiculously amateurish blog from the late 90’s was under my full name with a dot com. I asked myself, “why would anyone search for me under this url?” Nowadays, that doesn’t sound so crazy, but I’m still not using my first name. If I do decide to go down this road, I will have many names to choose from.

For the near future, I’ve decided on lending my blog out next month to independent Black/Latino Comic Book writers. I made the call out to them in various channels and I will be emailing them with the next 12 hours about logistics. The goal is to promote writers of color that many people don’t know about.

I’m hoping year five will be better than year four. When the book comes out, this will be the hub of all the business. Let’s just hope that business will be good.

Thanks for your support over the last how many years, months, or days you have been reading. I appreciate the support.

Blogging, my life, Novel

Woven

The novel has slowly been making its rounds through the test readers and it makes me feel more excited about this particular journey. I can sit here, in front of laptop, all day and spit out blogs but I don’t think the act of writing little e-journals can highlight the total potential of someone’s literary skill. Nor do I think having 37.2k in tweets (which is how often I have been on Twitter since I joined) determines if you are a superstar. Yet, I’m always taken back by the amount of positive feedback I get from people who have read my entire book all the way through.

My editor (who is an SU alum because that’s how we roll) constantly tells me that I need to stop being surprised that people like what they’re reading. There were several conversations that I had with her where I confessed that simply thought this novel wasn’t good enough. Shit, there were time when I actually hated what I was writing. I thought that perhaps my writing was too crude, too sexual, too crass, and too honest. But, she knows me well enough to remind me that fear has a way of distorting the way we view our own work.

Sure, I have talked about fear in length but the subject never gets old to me. I think its because there is a part of me that fears everything. I fear both failure and success but interestingly enough, I’m more prepared for failure. I’m almost 40 years old and I still don’t know how to prepare for success. What’s that supposed to look like? I can have avid dreams about winning the lottery and fictitiously plan out how I’m going to pay bills and live this super fantastic life. But that is just as fiction and the novel I wrote. There is no class in college that prepares you for success.

But then there is the more realistic side of my thoughts. What’s there to prepare for? We are talking about a self published novel and I’m completely realistic about the number of people that may actually buy this book. I will do my social media pushes but I do not anticipate my life changing much. I didn’t start writing because I wanted to become famous. I started it because this is something I just want to do.

That first story I ever wrote in 8th grade still lingers in my head. Writing was the one thing that I could do better than any one else in that class. My fellow classmates read this story that was based on a dream I had about how werewolves attacked the school. I was 8th grade famous for about a week. In High School, I wrote smut stories about some of my female teachers (ok, it wasn’t a proud moment…I was 14) that spanned pages and pages of loose leaf. I threw them away for fear that my mother would find them as she did the stash of Playboys I had in my drawer that I stole from my dad. lol

The point is that writing is something that I have always had time for. I still think about the comic book universe I created all those years ago and how I might, one day, still write about them. All my writing are woven together in some strange way, I just cannot be afraid to unleash it.

my life, Novel, writing

The Urge

Waiting is the hardest thing I can do right now. I have gotten to a point where I’m so used to writing and working on this novel everyday that it feels incredibly awkward not to be writing something. I guess the proper word is antsy.

I feel the need to create. Is it bad that I want to start on the second novel now? I have this urge to just open a new Word Doc and start on the next one. This is despite the fact that I already have a novel I have yet to complete. Yeah, let me just go over that. Hanging Upside Down is the novel I just finished that is being currently edited. I have another novel that I started called The Angel of Death that I have yet to complete. Look at me trying to just start another book!

I know that I write what I feel and this feeling is coming on pretty strong. I want to keep my eyes on the prize but I just have this urge to write. I have been able to quell that urge a little bit by reading. I started reading Song of Solomon. I was very moved by Toni Morrison last month and I felt the need to reread some her books. The problem is that I love the way she uses words so much that I’m getting a fresh new supply of literary motivation.

This is not to say that any of this is a bad thing it’s just interesting how I’ve gotten myself into the habit of continual writing and creating. I don’t want to lose that. The urge just gets stronger when I see the books on my shelf or I pick up my Nook. That is why I had to stop all the self editing to the current novel. I know that I could continually find something to change just for the sake of change.

Although, I do blame myself for this because I got the idea for a new novel while writing the current one. I had to brush that idea aside until I was done but the book spirits in me are calling. I have a plethora of ideas that I want to put on (virtual) paper but I figured that should wait until I published my first book before I start on the next. I don’t think I can do that now. I am too regimented in my own ways to let my creative juices go to waste.

I guess at some point I made a transition from blogger to novelist and didn’t really know it. I was just writing for me because I always had a goal to write a book even when I was a little kid going to Holy Cross School in the Bronx. This is my way of living forever because I can’t let this urge pass.

I will now march my way on to book two.

my life, New Year, writing

Tipping the Hat to 2013

Usually I do some sort of year in review post. I think about it now and it may just be a little too self serving. After all, I need to really ask myself what I really did this year. Instead, I thought about being short on this post about how grateful I am for having people support me in all my efforts.

I know that the beginning of the year was bumpy for me and it made me question whether I should even be a writer anymore. I had to take a long hard look at myself to figure out if I indeed was this person that I said I was. Through this personal turmoil, I had friends help me see that I get through the tough times and lo and behold, I started the novel in March.

Since that point, everything has been a lesson for me and I appreciate the encouragement of the people who follow me. My good friends have encouraged and challenged me to get as far as I have. I have yet to figure out ways to thank them.

My family is just realizing how deep this writing game is to me. It almost make me nervous because this book is R rated. Not that we are not all adults here but its not like I have a potty mouth in person. I will have to remind them that they can’t think about me when they read the words and situations. lol

As for everyone else, thank you. I thought the site switch from blogger to word press would have been more of hassle but it turns out that it has worked out well in my favor. I’m glad that this site does get read despite the fact that I haven’t written nearly as much as I should. I look forward to updating everyone on the process of writing and self publishing.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2014 provides us all with much success.

2014, Blogging, goals, my life

2014 Goals

In many ways, I feel like this year has gone by so fast. For the most part, it’s probably because I’m really enjoying my life and time flies when you’re having fun. I looked at the goals I set for myself this past year and I didn’t do all that bad. Some, of course, I didn’t even come close to accomplish and others I nailed.

So the disclaimer in all this is that I do not do New Year’s Resolutions. I set goals so that I can feel a little bit more accomplished by the end of the next year. I only completed 60% of my goals from last year but I suppose that is better then zero. I will try to do better for 2014. I will set ten personal goals and move from there.

The absolute number one goal for next year is get this novel published. I can’t stress that enough. I have put a lot of work into this book and I’m looking forward to this process being over. There are so many things that will go into this (like designing the cover, getting an ISBN, and getting an editor) and I’m ready for it. The one thing that I cannot let interfere with this process is fear. Trust me, I have a lot of it but I’m pushing through it.

Despite all my novel writing, the change in websites, and the multiple Huffington Post entries, I still think I do not blog enough. I have so many unfinished blogs that it is not even funny. Lately, I have gotten either easily distracted or have been too damn busy. My former life in Central NY was not like this. I just need to blog more.

Writing is one thing but reading more is also another goal of mine. For some reason I fell off with this and I need to get back on my reading habit. I really felt it after seeing Zadie Smith talk at Barnard College a few months back and than it was solidified after seeing Junot Diaz speak with Toni Morrison. Now that I have an upgraded Nook, I will be taking reading more seriously. I think I will try to read about 14 books next year.

I ‘m also getting old. I turn 40 in June and I have no idea what I’m doing. I would like to do something awesome for my birthday but I just can’t fathom what that would be. Perhaps a huge celebration? Who knows? What I do know is that I need to continue to exercise. I fell off that wagon too. I have always said that a 5k is in my future and I think in my 40th year, I should just do it.

This past fall, I started going to church again. Much of that had to do with trying to be the god father to my niece, Maya. I found myself getting up early on Sunday and going to mass and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, once Maya got baptized, I stopped going so I think it would be a good idea to start going again. Maybe not every Sunday but maybe twice a month.

The reason for wanting to go back is that I did feel at peace when I was in church. This was more about my own faith with God rather than the church itself. It has also made me think about volunteering and donating more to the neighborhood or just in general. Of course donating is always a little hard but as I continue my debt reduction things will get easier. I’m just happy that I paid off my car this month.

I have been in NYC for almost a year in a half now and I’ve returned to my old ways as a New Yorker, which means that I don’t visit other things unless food is involved. I feel like I need to explore NYC more. I was in the Williamsburg section Brooklyn a few weeks ago and it surprised me how nice certain parts of BK can be (yes, that is the Bronx in me talking). I also went to the Linkedin office a few weeks ago and they are in the Empire State Building which made me realize that that was the first time I’ve ever been in there. Yeah. I have to do better. lol

Finally, I need to visit my dad. I have not been to Florida in years and I need to go back. It just so happens that I will be heading to a conference in Orlando in April. Plans are not finalized but I look forward to the confernce that will turn into a family vacation. Disney is calling my girlfriend’s name.

I hope you all have some goals to set. Once you set goals then you are ready to achieve them. The picture above is from the article Life: Why Should You Set Goals for 2014? Read it. Happy Goal-Setting!

my life, Syracuse University, writing

Every Word is a Revolution

Every word is a revolution. When someone asks me what my take away was from watching Junot Díaz talk with Toni Morrison last week, that last line is the best way to summarize it. There are few times in life when you realize you are in the presence of greatness. I have had this privilege a few times by simply being in the room with great literary minds. Yet, nothing really prepared me for this particular discussion at the New York Library.

I’m not going to go into an expansive breakdown of this discussion because I will not do it justice (which is why I just attached the link below), but rather, it is best for me to be reflective on how this event should reshape the life of writers. What is interesting to me is how unapologetic words from these two authors can be. I feel like I’m someone who says sorry too much so when I read their words and hear them speak, it’s like a tiny revolution. The reality is that I want to write my fiction with no apologies. It should be harsh at times and hard hitting. Yet, there is a serious fear factor in all of this. There is a little person on my shoulder telling me that I am not good enough.

As I sat there and watched these two legends speak, I began to wonder if there were feelings of doubt that snuck into their thought process. I do recognize their humanity but the aura around them glowed with divinity at least in the realm of the written word. Toni Morrison was that author that Professor Mays at Syracuse University championed. I took a class solely on her and it took me way too long to realize how great she really she. Song of Solomon is one of those books everyone needs to read. So seeing and hearing her talk about books I’ve read a long time ago along with her thought process was indeed axis shifting. Yet, that confidence she has makes me believe that whatever fear she may have had was put back into her work. I plan on reading her works again. Now that I’m older I think her words will mean even more to me now then they did then.

The same goes for Junot Díaz. He writes like he talks and it’s truly amazing. He has changed the game for me. I became used to reading narratives where the voice is so very formal and even if the protagonist curses… it’s still formal. But when this man stood up in front of a large audience in Syracuse a few years ago and read one of the dirtiest passages in The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, I knew this man gave zero fucks about what people thought about him and his work. That is an inner peace that he has with his work and the central place that I want to get to.

That is why every word is a Revolution. This goes far beyond just writing something that I consider to be special. It is more about reaching a point where I have a connection to a audience that is beyond the norm.

my life, Novel

The Plan

I have devised a plan for this book to launch next year. I think I’ve been pretty good at updating and editing. I barely watch television outside of a few shows, so I’ve been really bearing down on the text. I’ve been doing this with the sole purpose of having draft 2 of this book done before the New Year. I will also note that when I explained this to the girlfriend, I said that barring me getting sick, I should everything done on time. Guess who’s had a fever the last few days?

Regardless, things look good. I put it out there on Facebook that I need some test readers. This to help me determine how good the books is and how it flows. The other purpose is for editing sake. I need as many eyes on this as possible. This phase of the plan I want to kick off in January. I have made my preliminary selections of test readers so they will get a message from me in a few weeks. I will give them a month to finish the book, which I think is reasonable. Then hopefully I can get some quality feedback. This will help me figure out if there any plot holes or if the book is too racy. At the very least I should be able to find out if the book sucks or not.

I’m also thinking about releasing a chapter here on the blog. I feel that most of the people who have been following my exploits all these years should see what his I’m fussing about. I also think that for all the blogs I’ve about writing a book, it would be nice to show people that I’m actually doing it rather than just saying that I am. Plus there is also the fact that I have re-written the ending which means that I have an alternative ending to the book than I may release at some point. I dunno, this is just me talking shit right now.

This will also help get off my ass and finally buy some ISBNs that I ranted about years ago (I also want to point out in that blog post I talked about a certain book of poetry I was going to publish. I shake my head at this because the book is done, I just haven’t done anything with it). Now that I have gotten somethings from my plate cleared I should be able to take this next step. Since I’ve chose the route of self publishing, it will make sense to have my own ISBN that will allow me to have books on sale in multiple outlets. The interesting thing is my girlfriend asked me why I haven’t thought about shopping the book around to publishers. It is something that I have briefly considered. The main point is that most, if not all, publishing houses will not look at you if you don’t have an agent. More importantly, this is my first book and I want to be in control of everything from the look of it to the price.

Which brings me to my next point. The book jacket needs to be designed. I have an idea that I think will make the book look attractive enough for people to at last glance at. We live in a visual society so I have to make something visually interesting. Let’s face, once that cover is done its going to be all over my instagram and twitter. I can’t afford it to be anything less than stunning.

So if I did the math in my head correctly and if everything goes according to plan, I am looking at having this book out in April. With that being said, I’m ok with some unforeseen things happening in this process. I don’t know everything so there is chance that I may miss something important. But I can say that I feel very good with the process the way it is now.

Afro Latino, Blogging, my life

Not Feeling It

One thing I that I’ve learned about myself is that I’m an emotional writer of sorts. When it comes to my own creative work and this blog, I need to be in a certain mood. When I’m not feeling it, I simply cannot write a word. I’m not sure what that is. Maybe it’s a writer’s block of some kind.

As much as I haven’t written on this blog, I have made up in editing and adding to the novel. I don’t want to think that I can’t do both, but currently I’ve been feeling a certain way about life and things that I normally talk about. I’ve gotten tired of a lot things, mostly to the point that I feel that anything I write about is just redundant. I mean, what else can I really say that I’ve already said? Sure, I can go on a rant about George Zimmerman and how people are finally seeing him for the snake he is despite the fact that he had to (allegedly) hit a white woman for the majority to get to that conclusion. I can go on about my issues with Kanye West and Jay Z but what happens is that people defend their idols without critically thinking about what is going on. I’m just tired of that.

So lately, I have been reserved because I know how powerful words are and how jumping the gun on things without serious thought can effect me and others around me. I have been reserved because speaking out on issues lately has been sort of like yelling in a vacuum. People need to see things for themselves.

It is also not lost on me that perhaps I feel a certain why because I’m getting older. Maybe my world views are changing because of my experiences. This does not mean I’m becoming a conservative, God No! That would be horrible. What it means is that I have been really analyzing myself and the way I do things and I feel that perhaps I’ve been closing myself off to certain things.

A good example of this is two weekends ago I was with some my cousins in the Bronx. These women are some of the most conscious Afro Latinas I know. They are highly intelligent and pretty much embody the type of critical thinking I wish more people had. So we got on to the subject about movies and this is something I feel very uncomfortable about because I haven’t been to a movie theater in long time. The last movie I saw was the train wreck that was Man of Steel.

So, they start talking about 12 Years a Slave and I found myself utterly quiet. I made a vow to myself that I would never pay to watch a slave movie once Django came out and I, sure as shit, wasn’t going watch The Butler either. However, I have forgotten that my family loves to debate and analyze things and I found myself without a voice because I chose not to be a part of this conversation about slavery since I did not see the movie (nor have I read the book which I intend on remedying).

That didn’t make feel all that good. I still think that Django has ushered us into an era of slavery movies that will be unsettling considering that most Black actors can’t seem to get a fair shot at movie roles. It is particularly unsettling when you think about how many fans of The Hunger Games series think that all the characters should be white. But in any case, unsettling or not, I have taken myself out the game by not viewing everything as whole.

I pride myself in viewing the world the way I do. I think that I’m not delusional in the way the world operates, however, I have come to realize that all the preaching about anti-isms has an effect. I guess I’m also tired of being frustrated and angry about the things I read and see on the news. I can’t always be angry with the world because I have enough gray hairs as it is. Yet, I think that I focus too much on the negativity which is why I picked the image for this post. If you stare too hard at something…it disrupts your perception of everything else.

I came to this realization yesterday. The first thing I did to improve on my quality of like was take my woman to the movies.