Navigating People

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This is the last week of this year and I find myself wrapping up somethings before the year closes. While, I haven’t laid out my goals for 2016 as of yet, I’m still very much thinking about them. I currently have more time to write some blogs and I wanted to free write.

It’s been an interesting year indeed. I could get into all of the societal and political trash that has occurred but this one is about me. This year has been a year where I had to really figure out my place when it come to people.

I feel like I navigate people everyday. I navigate my family, my friends, and co-workers. I also navigate my twitter peoples, blerds, fellow writers, and trolls. Through this, I makes me wonder what I actually do each day. How did I get where I am now with all this human navigation?

I feel that this year has put into perspective that most friendships are not as archetypal as we think. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, friendships can be fleeting. No matter how much navigation can be done, all relationships are more or less the same. People love each other and they trust each other until they don’t.

Life goes on and new relationships are made and voids are filled. We spend so much time thinking about how we ever had those voids in the first place. The navigation of nouns (persons, places, and things) continues like it never ended as it was a ripple in water only disturbed by a stone of a broken connection.

I think back to a passage from my own book (which I try not to quote myself due to this being a bit self serving):

Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, regardless of the length of time. No matter if they love us or hate us, no matter if they break our hearts or simply hold open the door. I really believe things happen for a reason. I can’t say I believe in fate, but rather I believe that we all play a role in each other’s lives. It’s up to us to decide what that role is.

Fleeting relationships is what life is about. If you have old friends cherish them.

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The Mistake of Trust.

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I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. The little mistakes are too many to count but the big ones…they scar. I have no problem admitting mistakes and while I seem to be a defensive person, I’m an open book of relative failures and successes. I’m also guilty of many things in the past such as, lying, stealing, and cheating but all of those pale in comparison to the biggest thing I am guilty of… trusting.

I’ve had this discussion before. I trust too easily, why? Maybe because I feel in some small way people are inherently good despite the fact that 9 times out of 10 I’m proven wrong. I have these talks with friends and loved ones that we, as humans, cannot all be as horrible as we think we are. There must be some amount of honor and credibility in strangers and especially in friends. Then something happens and you realize that honor is something you hear in a movie.

Want to know the honest truth? I very much enjoy being nice to people. I like meeting people but lately, I just find it hard to get close. I keep a safe distance and for the most part, I can be quiet. Why? I’m not sure I want to know what lays in the heart of strangers when I know what lays in the hearts of my “friends.”

That sounds harsh. I’m not that person that hates people. I’m speaking from a place that is raw because I trusted someone and now that trust is gone. When I was younger, broken friendship were a dime a dozen. Assholes come into our lives all the time in our twenties but as we get older we begin to filter out the bullshit. The plethora of friends we thought we had dwindles from two hands to one.

The term right hand man is probably meant as way to show that this person is only one of, maybe, five people in the world that can be truly trusted with secrets, money, contracts, and all matter close to the chest. This is the ride or die person that has fought the wars…together with us. Imagine what your hand looks like when you lose a finger.

I’ve been through horrible breakups, a divorce that changed me, thieving ex-friends, dishonest supervisors, untrustworthy co-workers, and family member drama. I survived all that and I’m still that person that may give a person $20 because they need it. I’m still that person that is willing to be nice to people. I’m still that person that wants to trust you, I just can’t.

I can only take so much. I can’t only extend that olive branch so far before I have to pull it back, but now I have to go a different route. I will be hurt but not angry because I know how to let things go. Thus I will let go of this friendship and never forget the good times nor the bad ones. I will never forget. For the minute I hit submit on this blog the deed is done.

We had our time together. I need to let you go.

Tipping the Hat to 2013

2013-12-31 11.32.08Usually I do some sort of year in review post. I think about it now and it may just be a little too self serving. After all, I need to really ask myself what I really did this year. Instead, I thought about being short on this post about how grateful I am for having people support me in all my efforts.

I know that the beginning of the year was bumpy for me and it made me question whether I should even be a writer anymore. I had to take a long hard look at myself to figure out if I indeed was this person that I said I was. Through this personal turmoil, I had friends help me see that I get through the tough times and lo and behold, I started the novel in March.

Since that point, everything has been a lesson for me and I appreciate the encouragement of the people who follow me. My good friends have encouraged and challenged me to get as far as I have. I have yet to figure out ways to thank them.

My family is just realizing how deep this writing game is to me. It almost make me nervous because this book is R rated. Not that we are not all adults here but its not like I have a potty mouth in person. I will have to remind them that they can’t think about me when they read the words and situations. lol

As for everyone else, thank you. I thought the site switch from blogger to word press would have been more of hassle but it turns out that it has worked out well in my favor. I’m glad that this site does get read despite the fact that I haven’t written nearly as much as I should. I look forward to updating everyone on the process of writing and self publishing.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2014 provides us all with much success.

The Redefinition

tumblr_mhy4hhQo5j1rl14rno1_500Many lessons learned. I’ve been in New York City for 7 months now and I can honestly say that reaching one’s goals is not enough. Just like sports teams will say that is not simply enough to make the playoffs, achieving goals mean nothing if you do not follow through.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be back in my hometown. I’m not lying when I tell people that I love being back here. What I never expected was how hard life can be even after setting all the goals and meeting them one by one. Which then makes me think about how my life has changed and how I need to redefine my life and the things I do.

A move like this isn’t just a physical move. I had been used to a certain life and a certain way of being. I was in Syracuse of 11 years. I was married and divorced within that time. I started at the bottom of the latter and moved up. I started a blog and a help start a community. I built relationships. However, this move is also psychological. NYC is different with a way of life that is at a whole different speed. Adjustment to it may seem easy at first but that is only if you do not take into account the rest of your life.

That is why I need to redefine everything. The definition of friendship is the first thing to change, because this is sad to say, no one is ever really who we thought they are. I’m also pretty sure there are people who feel the same about me, perhaps they thought I was someone that I’m really not and that is ok. More and more I begin to realize that I need people in my life that are about something, even if that something is not in line with my own goals. Most of my friendships have been based on an affinity for one thing or another, but not always on success. Which is why, other people who I have been friends with who share an affinity to being successful seem to be more likely to check in on successes and provide more encouragement and thus I end up doing the same for them.

I also have to redefine my finances. This is something that is more of a life’s work. It is simply not that easy for me to put on my shit in line, however, I have been getting better at it with each passing month. The one lesson that I seem to learn over and over again is that money is the root of all evil. Money may make the world go round but, it can destroy relationships. Getting friends involved with money matter is a dangerous road to go down. It will make you redefine what friendship truly is.

There also come a time to redefine affiliations. I have take steps to make sure that all my affiliations are in order. I have left some and cleaned others up

I just need to focus on myself. This phase of redefining my life comes a time in which I’m being reflective on my past and my future. My journey is far from over and I need to figure out what is best for me and the projects I am dead set on.

I am writing a book and I have been tending to it like a plant. Watering it every day until it is fully formed. I will then clip when it is ready and see how it turns out when all the leaves turn green.