Not Feeling It

49One thing I that I’ve learned about myself is that I’m an emotional writer of sorts. When it comes to my own creative work and this blog, I need to be in a certain mood. When I’m not feeling it, I simply cannot write a word. I’m not sure what that is. Maybe it’s a writer’s block of some kind.

As much as I haven’t written on this blog, I have made up in editing and adding to the novel. I don’t want to think that I can’t do both, but currently I’ve been feeling a certain way about life and things that I normally talk about. I’ve gotten tired of a lot things, mostly to the point that I feel that anything I write about is just redundant. I mean, what else can I really say that I’ve already said? Sure, I can go on a rant about George Zimmerman and how people are finally seeing him for the snake he is despite the fact that he had to (allegedly) hit a white woman for the majority to get to that conclusion. I can go on about my issues with Kanye West and Jay Z but what happens is that people defend their idols without critically thinking about what is going on. I’m just tired of that.

So lately, I have been reserved because I know how powerful words are and how jumping the gun on things without serious thought can effect me and others around me. I have been reserved because speaking out on issues lately has been sort of like yelling in a vacuum. People need to see things for themselves.

It is also not lost on me that perhaps I feel a certain why because I’m getting older. Maybe my world views are changing because of my experiences. This does not mean I’m becoming a conservative, God No! That would be horrible. What it means is that I have been really analyzing myself and the way I do things and I feel that perhaps I’ve been closing myself off to certain things.

A good example of this is two weekends ago I was with some my cousins in the Bronx. These women are some of the most conscious Afro Latinas I know. They are highly intelligent and pretty much embody the type of critical thinking I wish more people had. So we got on to the subject about movies and this is something I feel very uncomfortable about because I haven’t been to a movie theater in long time. The last movie I saw was the train wreck that was Man of Steel.

So, they start talking about 12 Years a Slave and I found myself utterly quiet. I made a vow to myself that I would never pay to watch a slave movie once Django came out and I, sure as shit, wasn’t going watch The Butler either. However, I have forgotten that my family loves to debate and analyze things and I found myself without a voice because I chose not to be a part of this conversation about slavery since I did not see the movie (nor have I read the book which I intend on remedying).

That didn’t make feel all that good. I still think that Django has ushered us into an era of slavery movies that will be unsettling considering that most Black actors can’t seem to get a fair shot at movie roles. It is particularly unsettling when you think about how many fans of The Hunger Games series think that all the characters should be white. But in any case, unsettling or not, I have taken myself out the game by not viewing everything as whole.

I pride myself in viewing the world the way I do. I think that I’m not delusional in the way the world operates, however, I have come to realize that all the preaching about anti-isms has an effect. I guess I’m also tired of being frustrated and angry about the things I read and see on the news. I can’t always be angry with the world because I have enough gray hairs as it is. Yet, I think that I focus too much on the negativity which is why I picked the image for this post. If you stare too hard at something…it disrupts your perception of everything else.

I came to this realization yesterday. The first thing I did to improve on my quality of like was take my woman to the movies.

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