Category: my life

Masters Degree, my life, prayer, religion

Three Candles.

St. Patricks Cathedral

So I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I prayed…in a church. Sure, I have prayed before and I feel that I have conversations with God every so often, but I do not see myself as a religious person. Perhaps more spiritual more than religious. In any case, I want to St Patrick’s Cathedral and I prayed for my life.

I do not get into religion much but it is safe to say that I am a recovering catholic. I have 12 years of catholic school under my belt and I can tell you that my thoughts of organized religion are not good. Over the rest of my years, I think I have developed some sort of relationship with God. In the end, I think that is the most important thing. I rather have that individual relationship than have group tell me how I should live my life and who are the sinners.

Although being a Latino means that you have certain belief of the spirit world. I am not stranger to this and while I wont get into them all right now, I think that there is spirits in this world that are both good and bad. But, they will only effect us if we let them.  So there needs to be the understanding that I do hold those beliefs that were passed down by my family.

I have found myself praying more often than not over the last couple of years. I have prayed for my sanity and for clarity in my life. There were times in which I just did not know what to do and I have to do the one thing that 12 years of catholic school taught me to do. Since then, I think I have been able to just be me and fight hard to get where I am trying to get to.

Last week I called my mother and I said to her that I needed a huge favor from her. I needed her to pray for me. I needed her to know how important getting into Sarah Lawrence is. My cousin got into the Harvard doctoral program last year and I know they prayed for her…lol. That is not to say she is not brilliant because she certainly is. I just know that she had the support and I needed that. I think she was shocked about my request and happily said she would do it…on condition: I needed to find a catholic church, light a candle and pray with the prayer card she sent me last year.

I knew she was going to pray for me and I definitely felt that I needed to complete my end of the deal. I originally looked for catholic churches in Syracuse, but for some reason, I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t feel right going to a church I didn’t know for the first time. That may sound weird, but that is how I felt. So I thought that once I get back to NYC this week I would go the one of the churches of my past schools: Holy Cross on Soundview Ave or St. Raymond’s on Tremont.

Turns out that I went to neither. Today I had several errands to run. I met up with a great friend for lunch and another friend who I haven’t seen since we were kids. All of this in the mid town Manhattan made me realize that I should go to Saint Patrick’s Cathedral. Why such an elaborate place? I have been there several times over my childhood and teenage years. I had my High School graduation there as well. For some reason, it just felt right.

So, I went in and lit 3 candles. I sat in one of the pews and pulled out my prayer card, it was in Spanish. I read it the best I could (which I think is pretty damn good).  When I was done, I thought about all the people in my life. The ones I love. The ones I care about. The ones I worry about. I asked God to not only help me find my way, but to help them. The only thing I really want to do in life is to help people. My way is to help people through words. I know that cannot be too bad.

I felt good when I walked out. I know I checked in on Foursquare that I was there and I got a text from a another friend who saw I was at the cathedral. She asked me if I could pray for her. I told her in so many words: “I already have.”

goals, my life, November Media Group, Utica

I am Official!

I wrote this as I sipped on some red wine and thought about my goals last Friday…

I know that I have spent a good amount of time talking about my application to Sarah Lawrence and expressing how badly I want to get in. However, I have other projects that I have in the works that will great benefit me whether or not I get into graduate school or not.

It started with my speaking engagement at Utica last year. I very much enjoyed speaking in front of an audience. It is something that I feel shaped much of my decision to go to grad school. The only problem I had with the entire process was with the contract. There was nothing wrong with it per say, but I know that things can get muddy if a contract is not up to par. So before I signed it, I had it looked over by a good friend of mine who just happens to be a talent agent.
He looked it over and told that the contract was legit, of course because it was from a college. I just wanted to make sure there was nothing there that I had to be concerned with. He then looked at me and told me that he could get me more money. During that time it was not about the money for me. I just wanted this experience to see if this was something I could do. Earlier that semester I had went to a lecture by Eduardo Bonilla-Silva and seeing what he does made me think that public speaking was something that I could do.
As expected, I loved the gig. I still think about it as a fond memory. Utica will always stick out in my mind as the first time I was able to do something on my own. However, a problem had arisen and I didn’t get paid in a timely manner and it worried me a bit. It was never a point that I thought I would not be paid, it was more that I do not want to imagine going through the lack of payment again. Sure I eventually got paid, but I knew that if I wanted to do this again, I need to do something different.
I ended up connecting with the November Media Group through that same friend who runs it. I would not consider this a plan B, but more of a supplemental plan that may work in my favor. One thing I learned from people like Bonnila-Silva and Juno Diaz is that presentation of written material is important. I have to be able to keep the audience interested just like I keep readers interested. More importantly, I think I have something to offer.

This isn’t just a favor that one friend can provide for another, this is me branding myself. I know that is kind of weird because I am so very much against the type of blogs that is all about the person and not about the writing, which is why my layout is what it is.  But, I do understand the power of branding yourself.  We are all caught in this world of social media and each of us has to carve out a niche. 

Right now, this is something I am aiming towards: getting paid for my blogging and writing. The November Media Group site just went up last week and I want to make sure I ride this wave. Sure, there are some typos and tense issues in my bio (which I am not sure is my fault, but I should have caught), but they will be fixed soon enough and I am working on getting some professional photos done.

This is the next step and I am willing to take a leap of faith on myself.  I am just happy because I feel that things are coming together. I am official! 🙂

dating, my life

Lonely is a Dirty Word

Driving home today I was just thinking about my life in general. I have gotten so used to the daily routine that I am in. It has taken a little more than a year to get where I am right now. I do not have the same worries, but yet I have new thoughts to replace the old ones. I reminded myself today that I have only been officially single for less than 3 months.

Interestingly enough I have only been living alone for a little more than a year. Well, I know I have roommates but I don’t really consider that to be the same as to living with someone you are married to. My home life is not event filled. I come home late, watch some sports, read a book, and if I am feeling good I will play my Wii. I spend much of my time to myself trying to figure out food for me and making sure that Rocky is well taken care of.

I pass the time on twitter when things get interesting on television. It almost becomes a shared experience when I make comments on something that most people are watching. I go to bed late everyday. I do not want to consider myself an insomniac but I do not sleep much. Then again, going to bed early was never my thing. I think it is because I was forced to go to bed so early as a kid that I would just stay awake for hours in the dark listening to my parent’s tv. Perhaps I just rather be awake and deal with reality than to be in a dream that I will ultimately wake from.

I have become a person of routine. I laugh to myself when I am at work late and I say, “I have no one at home waiting for me.” Which is untrue. My dog is waiting for me. Lord knows that if I do not get home in time to take him out, he will leave a present for me that I do not want to open. Still, it is good to come home to a warm reception every night. Sometimes I can tell that he missed me. I found him one day on my bed knocked on my pillow.

I thought about my divorce timeframe today because people have been inquiring lately as to why someone like me is single. First, I am not sure what that means: someone like me. That is to assume that I am special from some reason when most times people don’t really know me. My response is always, I am chillin. I am not sure why the surprise to my singleness. There are some people who cannot be alone. They surf from person to person in order seek the someone who is perfect for them without giving a general thought that maybe the quest for that perfect person comes from within.

It would be less than honest of me to say that I did not think about having a woman in my life again. However, there have been several times in last few months that I have been reminded that being single is probably the best thing. It is hard to fight that urge to think that I need a woman. The truth be told I really do not. I am completely self sustainable.  Not that this stops me from talking with women, but I have been able to observe things and learn how to be the person I want to continue to be.

However, I had been recently thrown for a loop when someone told me that despite my appearance of confidence and the wall of intellect, she sensed a certain sense of loneliness. That perhaps my routine was a simply a way of covering up something that I desperately want, which is to be loved by someone. Interesting. This, of course, left me rather speechless. I had that vain attempt to pretend that her words didn’t invade my soul. So of course, it takes me days to process all of this.

While I am not so sure how true this is, I need to explain that I am the type of person who can feel alone in a crowded room. I have seen myself fade in the background in certain social situations in where I just didn’t feel comfortable or confident. When that happens, I lose all interest and I would just rather be somewhere else. That sounds so very introverted of me when I am very much an extrovert. However, I think that I seem to go back and forth depending on the day (I am such a gemini).

Lonely is such a dirty word. However, I have not failed to notice that 40 is right around the corner. I am getting older folks. Soon I will be taking medical test that will make me cringe. While I am not nervous about being a single 40 year old man, I think about being in a whole new category. But, that is 3 years aways and thus I cannot think about this right now. I do think that age is a dirty three letter word. I just thank God that I don’t even look 36!

I will say that I do miss many things about being in a relationship. But, I cannot use that as a reason to be with anyone. Dating is still something that I am apparently not that good at, so I guess I will have to get better at it. Perhaps it is something I need to put into my routine because Lord knows I got flirting down to a science.

I wont give a time frame on anything when it comes to finding anyone. I want to be able to be with someone because I want to there rather than feeling that I need to be there. I have been in that place where I felt I need a woman when clearly I do not.

Even Superman has a fortress of solitude.

Masters Degree, my life, reflections, Syracuse University

Undergraduate Reflections

I feel like this is a big month for me. There is countdown clock in my head that is ticking down the days until I get this letter. It is becoming all that I think about. I cannot give myself a real reason why I would not be accepted to Sarah Lawrence College. I really feel that this is a right fit for me.

However, I look back at my undergraduate years and I think about how I could have done so much better. I was so lost in everything that was not my books. I went into college blind to how hard the environment could be. I went away to get away from warring parents. I continue to think that this was the best choice for me. Syracuse University is where I eventually found something within myself.

However, those 4 years were indeed hard. My grades certainly reflected this. I spend the first 2 years trying to figure out what I want to do in life. I took all these liberal arts classes that were ok, but there were some that I could not wrap my mind around. Math was something that always kicked my ass, but it was African American Studies classes that kept me somewhat focused.

Women were foreign territory to me. I had no idea what I was doing and they distracted the hell out of me. I got lucky a few times by fooling around with some girls here and there, but I was so convinced that I was just not good enough. I was not confident in myself despite the fact I may had a few girls who liked me. The one thing that really noticed was the fact that it was only black girls that seemed interested. I spent much time wondering why women of my own culture were not interested.

This was part of me recognizing my place in this world. I began to figure out that I didn’t quite fit in either black or latino culture on campus. In the end, I ended up hanging out more with my African American friends. I felt that I connected more with them, but I was just beginning to understand my own roots. My grades still suffered because I was really not thinking about school as much as I was thinking about just surviving day to day. Sure, I went to class but, I was taking classes in things I really did not care for.

Then, by my junior year, two things occurred. I finally selected my major and I finally got myself a girlfriend. She was not technically my first girlfriend, but she was my first real relationship. In terms of my major, I finally chose English. I also became a student leader on campus and it seemed all things were going right. This is where I finally felt that twinge of confidence. I begin to love my classes and love the person I was becoming. My grades finally improved but, I ended up graduating with a GPA that is not what I call to great.

I think about all of that now and I cannot wish that I could do it all over. Everything that has happened in my past has shaped my present. I am who I am because of the path I walked. So, I have to live with the bad grades because I was just no focused enough. This is why I have such an affinity and understanding with the students I mentor and supervise.  There was no one like me back then. I make the choice everyday to make sure that students know I am here and I have been in there shoes.

My grades in graduate classes are what they should be. I am averaging an A-. Although, it was just three classes, I took them while working, on average, of 55 hour weeks. I just hope that it is enough to sway the panel of admissions or whomever makes the decision that I am indeed good enough.

goals, laptop, MacBook, my life

MacBook Cometh

This is my first (of many) posts in which I am using my MacBook Pro. If you are following me on twitter then this is not a new thing because I have been talking about my laptop. There is a reason for my lack of posts this month. My Dell laptop met it’s bitter end about a week and a half ago.  So I have had to replace that with a MacBook Pro.

My old Dell laptop with
battle scars
It has been a goal since last year to get a MacBook. Money being what it was, I could not afford to do it so I decided to put that on hold until the right time. I also knew that my PC laptop was on its last legs since last spring. There was several things that were not working well.  The screen light went out first. So I had to plug into monitor. Then the connections from the malfunctioning screen to the rest of the laptop broke so it was almost in 2 pieces. 
That is what I was dealing with for about 2 years. I held back on purchases because I did not think it was essential. Technically, my laptop still worked.  I just had to deal with the hardship until the time came in which I can get a new one. I really didn’t think that my hard drive would die so I guess I waited a little too long. However, I had been waiting for my Tax Refund so, I didn’t really wait all that long.
Funny thing is you never really think about all the stuff you have on a laptop. Thank God that I had already backed all my pictures on a portable hardrive. All my music was tucked away in my iPod and some of my movies were in my iPhone. My documents are all gone. However, my stories and poems are all copied in other places like email. So when I think about it, I really did not lose all that much. Well, at least nothing important.
The government finally decided to pay me yesterday and I promptly bought this Macbook. No, it is not the new one that has just come out. The SU Bookstore was selling this model (which used to be new) with a discount of $350 off with a free printer and an SU thumb drive. I could not beat this and buying it made me happy. I began to realize that this is yet another goal I can scratch off the list. I wanted this laptop for my very hopeful future at Sarah Lawrence.
First, let me say that it is an adventure to get music from an iPod to a Mac. However, I supposed that if it was meant to be easy Apple would have just came up with an app for it. So I have had to get some software for a very small fee and I am finally happy to say that I have about 99% of my songs back. This also makes very much appreciate all of my efforts to collect every piece of music I own.
Which beings me back to my thoughts. 10 years ago when I decided to leave New York City to come to Syracuse, it was an easy decision and in the grand scheme of thing, took minimal effort to move. There were no goals then. I just wanted out because I hated the direction my work career was going and 9/11 made living in the city hard to deal with. I just had to leave.
Fast Forward to 2011 and everything I do has to be a goal. The move back to NYC is becoming this epic deal that involves smaller goals being accomplished. It is funny that when I was 26, I could fly off from the seat of pants and not worry about…the future. Now, I am the 36 and future becomes something worth planning for. This may be one simple MacBook to you, but this is just symbol of what my future brings…
Masters Degree, my life

The Waiting Game

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope” – Alexandre Dumas Père

This is where I am right now. Waiting for my fate to be revealed by letter from a school that I am so desperately wanting to go to. I have had a certain quiet confidence about me but, I have not been cocky in my assessment that I would be a good for Sarah Lawrence College. Since I entered my application in January I have been slowing making plans with my life. I know exactly what I am going to do.

However, this is the waiting game. Although I may be one of the most patient people you may ever meet, anticipation of what will happen slow eats away. Sure, the nervousness is starting to set in. I have been trying my best to move on with my life for the past year and a half and it has not been happening (not from lack of trying) at the rate I would like it to. Now I have a real chance to get out of here and I feel the nerves getting tight.

I do not have a plan B at this point. I really didn’t have a plan B when I applied to Syracuse either, but I was forced by my dad to apply to schools that I really did not want to go to. I have always been the type that when I want something, whatever is the next best thing does not match up. I can remember as a kid collecting the Transformers and I tried to be as authentic as possible. When other people would buy me similar toys that were transformers but were the bootleg kind, it felt cheap.

What I do not want is to get to the point in which I just leave this place with no job or no school. So failure is not in my thought process at this moment. So I wait. I think about how much I wait on a daily basis. I realize that I have so much patience with people in general. I do not panic in most situations because there is no point. I know that I will find a way. The problem is when other people have my fate in their hands. I am not very good at selling myself and I have the hardest time doing self assessments at work. That is why I had such a hard time to do my bio.

This is where my patience will pay off. I have those people who already assume I have gotten in. I love them but I am not so sure. I do not want to assume a thing. Then there are those who ask me all the time if I have heard anything or when will I hear something.

So let me just say that I did receive a letter from Sarah Lawrence College yesterday stating that they will mail out decisions for my program on March 17. So there. I have a date that is ingrained in my head so much that I am sure I will have a count down at some point in my thought process. What makes this funnier is that I will be in NYC at that time, which means that I will not know about a thing until I come back that Sunday on the 20th. Once again, patience will play a key because I will not call any of my roommates to read me the letter. I need to see those words myself.

Patience is the world I live in.

“Patience and fortitude conquer all things” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

dating, my life, Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Dud

It turns out the the new me that I have been talking about the last couple of posts has decided to throw himself into his work. I have been so busy at work that I am very tired when I get home and struggle to just be productive. However, I have been thinking about Valentine’s day that is coming up in a few weeks. I am not sure if I am going to be writing much about it this year due to Black History Month, but I have been thinking about my personal history of this day.

This has traditionally been a day that I have loathed because this seems to be universally celebrated as the day we profess our love (or like) to another person. For people who are not that lucky, this is a day that could not suck more. As I have gotten older and wiser, I can say that I do not feel either good or bad about Valentine’s Day. Perhaps it is that lack of expectation and yearning that I once had that maybe I will be someone’s valentine. It could be that once I had a girlfriend or wife that this day was further marred by mishaps and plain old apathy. There is a point when you are married that you start saying things like… “well we don’t celebrate Valentine’s day because you should tell that special someone you love them everyday”

Not to say that this statement is not true, but that day for me personally has always had some negatives to it. I remember not liking this day as a child. I would ask different girls around school if they would be my valentines only to get a resounding “no”. As a kid, it is hard to deal with rejection of such because often times I thought it was me. Then I got used to it and never had a valentine all through High School.

I remember a time when I was roaming the halls in High School after classes were over ( I would often stay late because I was always involved in many extra curricular activities) and seeing this huge bulletin board that had cards or hearts posted up from all these girls sending in valentines to the school. I was in shock because I went to an all boys school and I had no idea that girls from other schools could do such a thing. Needless to say that I had none and I just walked away.

My first real valentine was in college. I remember that day fondly. I took a friend of mine to see Dreamgirls and had a pretty good meal. To do this on a college budget is amazing and I felt that it was well worth the wait. I started thinking that the days of bad Valentine days would be behind me especially since I had a girlfriend for the next two, neither of which were all that memorable for reasons I will not get into.

After that, I didnt have another valentine until I dated my ex wife so many years later. This was when 1 800 Flowers was making it big on the internet and I was doing what every man would do, order flowers to your woman’s workplace. Well, after ordering the flowers well in advance…they never show up. Imagine having to explain to your girlfriend that you did indeed ordered flowers that never showed up. Not a good night, however, when they showed up the next day even after I called back and canceled the order, she believed me. So, of course this could not happen two years in a row right? I mean they contacted me saying that I had this crazy discount to make up for the previous mishap…yeah well…lightning does strike twice.

So as I said, there comes a point in marriage when many things stop and valentines gifts are one of them. I cannot help wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But, as much as I can sit here and say that we should not wait until 2/14 to show someone how much you love them, there seems to be something stuck in all our minds that this day means more than what we let on.

It is just a hard day to figure out because the perception is that the man has to be the one to do all the flowers and candy type things. The woman does not even have to accept nor do she have to reciprocate. Many of my male friends will easily tell me that this is a woman’s day and all we get is like christmas (haha). Perhaps I am just jaded and I see things from a very narrow view and if that is the case then I accept that. Maybe I am just used to being treated a certain way or not being treated the way I want. It is hard to tell, but I will say that very few women have generally surprised me on this particular day and I do not see that changing anytime soon.

I think the only thing that has changed for me is expectations. I do not expect anything from anyone. So if I do send flowers chances are I am not expecting anything in return. To me, it is better this way. I have learned that life is not fair and I am ok with it. I am not saying this in a depressive way, I just think that things will happen when they happen.

However, I would like to to stop being what I have now dubbed a “Valentine’s Dud”. There will come a point in time when the stars will align enough for me to have memorable 2/14 and if not, well, I will always have something to write about!

my life, reflections

Year Two

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” – Wayne Dyer

The journey continues. I myself cannot believe that it has been two years ago today that I start this blog. I have witnessed myself change from a man who was not sure about his life to a man who is now certain of where to go. I very much consider this blog to be the reason for it all. I have found the courage to admit to myself all my fears and frustrations while turning them into motivation to be better.

Personally, I think that I have been on a great ride. Good or bad, I feel alive. I can admit that I have feelings and emotions that I am very sure that I was not in tuned with a few years ago. Someone mentioned to my that I was pretty much a closed individual before I started writing everyday. That is so very true. I cannot express how much of a release it is to put words on paper (or type them on a screen – semantics, I know). I have learned to channel my emotions in written form so that I can share it with everyone.

I cannot be the only one that has seen the change not only in me, but in my writing style. Over the first year, I feel that I was so wild and undisciplined. I would write on just pure need to release. I think my second year was harder because I wasn’t sure where to go, but I developed a craft that I am hope will launch me forward into year 3.

I was concerned that my addiction to Twitter would effect this blog, but that is so not the case any more. I really believe that they now both go hand in hand. While I express my deepest desires and fears on here, I can really be myself on there. Without realizing it, I have developed an online persona that I am very ok with. My plans are to use all this as a stepping stone to something larger.

I still plan on doing something for Black History Month in honor of Afro Latinos. That is just a given. I am still debating doing another month of 30 Poems in 30 days in April. Of course, there is the anticipation of getting into Sarah Lawrence College and the possible move back to the greatest city in the world. Lastly, there is Latino Heritage Month, I will definitely being doing something special for that. My new journey is just beginning and documenting it have been a blast.

I feel like I am always being sentimental in thanking everyone for reading, but it is your words of encouragement that shows me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I am also very humbled by the fact that people have been telling me that I have inspired them to go back to school. We are NEVER too old to go back to school and make ourselves better. We are meant to evolve and change. It is not about money to me anymore because I cannot take with me when I die. It is about knowledge and the quest to fulfill that destiny that I was meant for.

My apologies. I do not mean to get all existential right now. I have a feeling I may have to write more about that later.

In any case, let me dedicate this video below to my blog. I recently fell in love with this song I feel that at this would have been my theme at some point over the last two years. Enjoy.

my life

Legacy

I was talking to a fellow blogger the other night about life and I mentioned the word legacy. The conversation itself stemmed from the fact that most of us seem to just get by living paycheck to paycheck. I am reminded how hard that can be when you are not sure if you are going to have power or a phone from month to month. Those day seem to be another lifetime to me. Not because I have it like that, but because money does not concern me the way it once did. This when I said to him that legacy is more important than money to me.

Sure, I would love to have a lot of money only because that would make life so much easier. However, I have been so used to not having money that living paycheck to paycheck has become an art form. Since I got the roommates, I have been able to have that flexibility I needed because I will be honest, there were months last year that I was not even sure I was going to make it.

Yet, living comfortably is what I would like to do. I think I have gotten close to that and now I can focus on my legacy. I want to leave my mark on this world and the time seems to be right. I may be a little young to be talking about leaving things behind before I die, but I think that you can never be too young to work on a legacy.

I talked a little bit about acceptance in my last entry and one of the things that I have come to accept is the fact that I may never have kids. For some, that is the best way to ensure some sort of path to the future; some semblance of immortality. The whole kids thing is something I have no choice but to leave up to fate. So, in the mean time, my creative work will have to be my child…

…and yes I know that I am too young to be thinking this way but it is what it is. Most women my age already have or are having kids. Some do not want anymore and others have baby daddy drama that I am so trying to deal with. Older women for the most part want no more children, which leaves younger women and that is a whole other animal indeed. Needless to say that I have thought most of this through and to avoid any lingering disappointments, I have come to accept that being a father may not be in the plans.

The good thing about all this is that creativity only seems to get better the older we get. I am not sure that it is something that wrinkles like we do. Being creative only helps the brain to further reach it’s potential an since I constantly thinking about everything in my life, it is safe to say that I can bank on my legacy with shear brain power and creative merit.

maturity, my life

Maturity

I do not know what it is. I feel different this year. Dare I say that I feel more mature.Writing that bio has really made me look at my life, even if it was just a synopsis. I do not feel comfortable enough to claim that I have been through a bad life, but I will say that I have been through some challenging times (haven’t we all?). I am just wondering if I became this wise man when the clock struck twelve on New Years Day.

The last two years have been really tough and I am proud of myself for having endured it. As sit here and type this I wonder if I can say that I have been through a metamorphosis of the psyche. Yes, it is true the a divorce is a life altering event. Things that I took for granted in the past are simply not so anymore. I think I can enjoy life’s little pleasure’s because I am lucky to have endured. There are now things that I simply do not stress anymore. I just do not feel the need to.

I find it remarkable that I can say that if I do not get accepted to Sarah Lawrence that I will be OK. I know that there will be more opportunities and that I will simply have to wait for them. Essentially, I leave it all to fate. This is a line of thinking I would have had an issue with two years ago. I may have even been against it a year ago. Now, all I can say is that if it is meant to be, then it will be. Let me tell you, that is a statement that I once hated.

Perhaps there is merit to thinking that once you have nothing to lose you are free to live. I have come to accept many things in my life and I am not ashamed of it. Acceptance is apart of being able to live life. I cannot hold on to the grudges of old. Now, do not misread me, if you done me wrong and it caused me great pain then chances of me inviting you back into my life are slim and none, yet that does not mean I have harbor ill will or negativity. I will also say that in many cases the person I should have a grudge against is myself for the many things that came from wrong decisions…but you live and learn. I am a better person from it.

Someone asked me how I can just freely admit that my mother disowned me before college and my answer was very simple and to the point: that was another lifetime. This has been my answer for so many things in 2011 when it comes to my past, it was simply another lifetime. I am a different person. I can hardly recognize myself in old pictures. Maybe this is why I take so many pictures of myself. I can see the change.

I just feel more mature, more serene. I just worry, in some small way, that is leading to me not caring anymore about things in general. I just feel that I have the power to make better choices and that I can walk away from the wrong ones. More importantly, I feel that I have to ability to shape my social circle. I know all the talk about how hard it is for a man to make friends as he gets older, but I think that all depends on how open men are to the changes in their life. A broken ego is not something that men bounce back easily from.

I don’t know. There is a lot of thoughts than occur from solitude, which is not a bad thing. Perhaps I have become mature enough to appreciate my time alone so that when I do share my time with others it becomes more meaningful…