Feeling Good

Last week and this past weekend has been very interesting for so many reasons. The fact that I have been feeling really good has proven to make my life so much easier. I will admit that I am not entirely sure why I am feeling so good. I am thinking that perhaps it is a delayed reaction to my trip from Florida. All the the sun must have done me good. Perhaps it is the running that I continue to do. From what I am hearing the endorphins from exercising is what makes us feel better.

Regardless, I feel that I am returning to my cheerful ways. I feel that I have always had somewhat of a positive outlook on life. However over the last several months I think my view on love and life have been darker. I have become this person that can give great advice but has difficulty following my own. I am not sure why that is, but in any case, I need to have a positive look on life.

I am very amused by the people around me. I am not saying I take my impending divorce lightly, but seeing people react or at least not trying to react makes me laugh. It seems that my situation has sparked conversation at my work place when I was on vacation and I am ok with this. This essentially means I don’t have to talk about it to people I rather not talk about it with. So if they want to me shocked by the news while I am not around then I am good with that. However, there have been a few people who have been very supportive and that goes a long way with me.

It all pretty much started when I put “single” on my Facebook. Before I went to Florida my father calls me and was very concerned that I may not be moving on since my wife has put single her status. I was more shocked about him calling me about this (I mean really? is it that deep?). I didn’t update my status because I just wasn’t paying that much attention to it, but to appease my father so he does not worry about me, I change it.

You would have the thought the “Bat” signal went up. I am getting texts and emails asking why am I single on Facebook. Some have not been so discreet by asking me on my page why am I single (but we wont go there). Most people thought it was a mistake! That perhaps Facebook in the many version it keeps updating to, changed my status. I just smile and tell them that it is no mistake. Once they pick up there jaws, I inform them that we are ok. Sometimes it is better to be friends then to be married. Of course I am amazed how Facebook has played a role in my social life. I even gave my parents a tutorial when I was down there.

I was asked to take down my picture from Facebook by my mother in law because I looked sad. This was a difficult conversation with her. She is very much a mother to me and she is having a hard time dealing with our break up. This did upset me but I told her that once again, we will be ok. Speaking of family, I was talking to my niece from my wife’s side of the family. She too noticed the news on Facebook and asked me if I am still her tio. This broke my heart. I love that little girl and she is the closest thing to a daughter that I can get. I told her I would always be her tio.

I am feeling good because there are so many possibilities in my life right now that it is hard to decide what to do. Couple that with the fact that I have been able to accept our decision to move forward.

My Near Death Experience

It was a regular day in April of 2007. I went out to food for Josie at Las Delicias. I ordered 2 red snapper meals with arroz amarillo (yellow rice) and 1 side of maduros and 1 side of tostones. I knew I was about eat well! The order was wrapped up well and I placed the bag on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I started the car up, pulled out my iPod hit and shuffle. “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows” by Justin Timberlake starts blasting. I am ready to go. I pull out of the parking space and I make the turn on to Concord Place. It was pretty nice night. It was later in the evening. I make the next left on to Allen Street. I am driving down this street and there is no traffic then a black cat comes out of no where and I swerve…

I am not sure if anyone really knows the feeling of being in a vehicle when it turns over. It is almost like a roller coaster ride. This all happens very fast, but I was able to hear the car hit the tree. I hear myself scream “NO”. Then the car flips

My life did not flash before my eyes, but I did think I was going to die. I am still in the car, upside down. My nose hurts from the airbag. I have my eyes closed because I run a pain diagnostic on myself. Legs check. Feet check. Arms Check. No blood I can feel. I open my eyes and I am truly upside down. I think to myself… “I cannot believe I just flipped this car.” I can smell the food. Then I think…”Oh shit, I have a full tank of gas..” I unbuckle my seat belt and I crawl out of the car.

On my way out I see my new phone that I just got in 3 pieces (Phone, battery, cover). I stand up and I just look at the car. I see my iPod across the street. I pick that up and then a woman comes running out asking me if I was ok. She blabs about how she is a nurse and how I need to sit down. I can tell she is trying to check me for wounds. She mentions that she called 911. I put my phone back together and I call Josie.

I totaled that car. I just got that car a month prior. The rest of the night consisted of me going to the hospital for testing. I remember sitting on the gurney with both Josie and I crying because even then we knew that our marriage was in trouble. I still think about that day. I was off from work for a week because I was sore as hell. I think about how some of my friends did not call even though they knew what happened and I think about the one person I needed to call me…did.

I will always think about how I almost died 2 years ago. The police told me that if I had not had my seat belt on, I would not have made it. I am re-telling this because this I feel this is the closest I have ever come to death. It would have ended very quickly and then what? I thought about this yesterday. I told myself that I need to finally figure out what I want to do.

I am not staying in Syracuse. I have decided to finish my Masters and get out of here. The city is not for me. This job is not for me anymore. There is a glass ceiling over my head that I know I cannot crack. My mother is now 70 and my aunt is getting older and someone needs to look out for her. My nephew is getting bigger and I am tired of not getting to see Met games whenever I want. I miss New York City and I want to go back now! But, I need to do me. I need to get this degree.

P.S. Yes that is the car pictured above.

There is No Manual For This

This is the blog entry I have been dreading to write. I have been thinking about what to say and I have planned out theses words for weeks. There is a very big reason why this blog has slipped over the this month and this is because my emotions and general feelings have been all over the place. This blog as been my constant since January. I have done a lot of writing to distract me from the problems that have been so glaringly obvious to me.

I am sitting here in Mount Vernon, at my aunts house, and I cannot believe how hard it is for me to write this. After almost 8 years of marriage, my wife and I splitting up. We made this mutual decision in March. This has been a hard road for us. I knew that this was something that was going to happen in December. Our marriage has been rocky for about 3 years.

There is no manual for a successful marriage. It is hard to gage all the things one needs to do in order to keep a lifetime commitment going. I will say that I blame myself for so many things. No one gets married just to get divorced. I would like to think I have done my best to make her as happy as I can, but ultimately I did not.

We will remain friends. Her and I, on many levels, get along great. Right now, we still reside in the same house, although not in the same room. Her and I will figure out all the little things we need to get us through this tough time.

This will come as a major surprise to many people who thought that her and I were the perfect couple. I think that we did a great job in getting along in public. I will say that I don’t want people to think that I do not still love her because that is not the case. The issue of love is not the case here. I do love her. But, I think that we have both done so many things to each other that at some point we were done.

This will change how I write my blogs for the time being. I maybe a little darker than normal. What I will not do, is say anything bad about her. There is no reason for it. But, I think that writing has been so helpful to me when I need to get my feelings out. I think that my blog has slipped because this is what I wanted to write about and this has blocked out every other thought that I have had.

Too Good To Be True…

In this day and age mail has become useless. Physical mail that you can open and read; the same mail that take 3 days to get to your house and is delivered to your mailbox that we all end of shredding because it is pure junk. To me, it is pointless since we can do just about anything on our computers. I completely see why the cost of a stamp gets more expensive every year. The price of delivering mail is expensive considering that it is being used less and less.

So, now that I have made my point about how mail is useless, anyone can see why I don’t really open anything that I get that is mailed. Most of the business I do is online. Like paying bills and loans, so no, I do not need a statement mailed to me. That leaves magazines I do not read, coupons, credit card applications, election crap, and contests. Most are left on the table to be shredded at a later date.

One day this past week, the wife decides she is going to open a letter from Kia East Syracuse. It was an ad campaign to get us to come in (clearly). But they also sent us a scratch off game for us to play. The way it worked was that if you scratch off 3 of the same things…you win that thing you scratch off. Really simple.

So she plays this game and she scratches off 3 cars. Now, I am doing my Wednesday night blog and she shows me this. I look at all the paperwork and it seemed legit to me. She is the skeptical one. I know that she has read this thing backwards and forward, so if she is coming to me then she is needs confirmation that what she is reading is valid. I will say that as much it looked good, there was something that did not make sense to me. It was just too good to be true.

She ends up making an appointment for Friday (yesterday). We decide to leave work early and go pay a visit to Kia East Syracuse. On the drive there, I reminder her that this may be a fluke and that although they are giving cars away in this economy, we need to be prepared for a sales pitch. So, out goal is to leave with a free car…or leave with nothing at all.

We go in and we have an appointment with Lisa. She sits us down and the first question is, “What are you currently driving?” I just rolled my eyes and started checking email on my phone because I knew we got pulled in. My wife explains to her that we are here because of the mailer and the scratch off game. The woman looks at the card and says…” I will be right back to see what you won.” Right there, I knew where not getting any new car. If scratching off 3 cars did not warrant some time of…”Boss…we have a winner!”, then we got roped in.

Lisa comes back tells us that we won a 3 day/night vacation (valued at about $400 if you do the math). My wife just looks at her with this look that I had not seen since the days we lived in the Bronx. “So you mean to tell me…that scratching off 3 cars means…no cars?” Lisa, who was probably not trained to deal with intimidating Latinas, carefully showed us the poster that said that 3 cars or 3 palm trees meant vacation and had we scratched off 3 money bags we could have chosen the car or the money. The best way too describe our faces was… “blink…blink”

Then, this woman had the balls to ask…(because we told her what we drive) “If I could lower you payments by 3 dollars a month and you can walk out of here with a brand new car would you be interested?”


Needless to say we walked out. My wife was upset, but she got over it. It just goes to show that if something is too good to be true…then that is exactly what it is