“People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” – Norman Cousins
You know, I think sometimes we as men like to perpetuate the concept of masculinity as something that does not include weakness. We have this notion that we must be strong at all costs. We are brought up to really adhere to the social construction of gender roles that states a man must be all mighty and never falter. Women are also indoctrinated to believe this as well, that they must be attracted to a man that is aggressive and somewhat bullish.
However, as a man it is hard to admit insecurities. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are alike. While, we tend to make too many of the same mistakes, we are all very different. One thing that all men share are insecurities that we choose not do deal with. This is sorta like the guy we all know that refuses to go to the doctor for whatever reason because he feels that whatever issues will just “go away”. Men deal with their insecurities in the same way.
Of course, not all of use share the same issues. My insecurities will differ from the next man. However, I think I can pretty much pin point what my issues are and try to address them in my own way. Not all men are willing to do this. I am not going to sit here and say that I am better person because clearly I am not. However, after the year I have had, I think that my road to self redemption is paved with insecurities.
Oh, do not think that I am not still on my journey because I am. This personal journey is not something that will take a month or a year. This is something that will take as long as it has to, which could be a lifetime.
Today has a specific significance because this marks the true beginning of my road to the single life. The papers have all been signed and submitted today and we are officially separated. My feeling on this is that, yes it is a new beginning but, I do find myself looking back at what was. I have made so many mistakes and I have done so many things that I continue to pay for in small ways.
I am not saying this because I feel sad. This is not a post about being depressed or feeling pity on myself. This just a friendly reminder that I need to not make those same mistakes again. This is where the heart of my own insecurities lay. I am so confident in my other areas of life. I think I am great at my job. I would like to think I am getting better at poetry. I love writing on this blog as well. It is my personal life that I feel needs some improvement, although I think it gets better everyday.
What I will not say is that I am not confident in my personal life. I gain confidence about my future everyday but, it is a cautious confidence. Kind of like when we first dip our toes into the ocean at a beach, we are not really sure how cold the water will be. Of course, once our feet are wet, we tend to just dive in. I want to be able to sail in all of my en devours. I would be foolish not to admit that I am a little intimidated to face life alone.
Yet, I am also excited as well. This is the first time in my life that I have been alone without being lonely. I will take today to look back at what was my life and my marriage. Imagine a man who is on a journey and looks back for a moment at all he has witnessed. I will take a moment to mourn something that was once special to me, then I will move on to my next destination.