Navigating People


This is the last week of this year and I find myself wrapping up somethings before the year closes. While, I haven’t laid out my goals for 2016 as of yet, I’m still very much thinking about them. I currently have more time to write some blogs and I wanted to free write.

It’s been an interesting year indeed. I could get into all of the societal and political trash that has occurred but this one is about me. This year has been a year where I had to really figure out my place when it come to people.

I feel like I navigate people everyday. I navigate my family, my friends, and co-workers. I also navigate my twitter peoples, blerds, fellow writers, and trolls. Through this, I makes me wonder what I actually do each day. How did I get where I am now with all this human navigation?

I feel that this year has put into perspective that most friendships are not as archetypal as we think. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, friendships can be fleeting. No matter how much navigation can be done, all relationships are more or less the same. People love each other and they trust each other until they don’t.

Life goes on and new relationships are made and voids are filled. We spend so much time thinking about how we ever had those voids in the first place. The navigation of nouns (persons, places, and things) continues like it never ended as it was a ripple in water only disturbed by a stone of a broken connection.

I think back to a passage from my own book (which I try not to quote myself due to this being a bit self serving):

Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, regardless of the length of time. No matter if they love us or hate us, no matter if they break our hearts or simply hold open the door. I really believe things happen for a reason. I can’t say I believe in fate, but rather I believe that we all play a role in each other’s lives. It’s up to us to decide what that role is.

Fleeting relationships is what life is about. If you have old friends cherish them.

Is Monogamy Dead?


It has been a long time since I have written anything about relationships. Most of my entries have been when I was single and newly divorced. So when my woman and I were talking about how monogamy seems to be something in the past, I knew that was my opportunity to really write about something about men and woman as I once used to.

I have been in a book club for about 2 years now, maybe a little longer, and we have read many things. Last month the choice was This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz. I’m not quite done with it yet (I know…it was LAST month’s book), but there are some major themes here about relationships. Clearly the title gives a hint about what this book will be about and I will try not to talk too much about the contents of the book so that you can read it for yourself.

One question that may pop into your mind when reading this book may be, “Is Monogamy dead?” The book is a series of short stories that are about the different ways a man can fuck up his relationships. One can go deeper and say these are different ways a Dominican man has fucked up this relationships. Which ever case it may be, it leads to serious thoughts about the thought process of a man and how he perceives the women he loves and the women he cheats with.

As I read the book, I do not view myself in any of these scenarios. Another words, I personally do not believe that this is a representation of every man. I do, however, think that it describes many guys and how they think about love and life. What we see here is that the man in the stories often loves the woman he is in a relationship with but still chooses to go and cheat anyway (knowing that it is wrong). Some reasons for this are stated and others are ambiguous to suggest that some times men do not even understand the things they do.

Thinking about real life outside the context of this book, we are subjected to constant stories about divorce. Normally, it is on the Hollywood scene where marriages seem to last less than 2 years, but realistically, divorce has always been on the rise. What is the reason for this? Is it that monogamy is slowly become a thing of the past? Clearly I cannot answer these questions because I truly do not know. However, I do feel that the world is a lot less smaller than it once was. I also think that women are more empowered to make critical decisions about their life and their mates.

This is not say that Feminism has killed marriage. Nor is it to say that it is always the man that is fucking up the relationship (although we do not do ourselves any favors). I think we have more choices than people did 100 years ago. Strictly speaking, I am referring to life within the United States and I can tell you that this country is all about about choices. Women are career oriented with goals that include being as successful as possible. Their grandmothers never had that ability. Many times we look at the elderly who have been married for like 50-70 years and we are all wonder how in the world did they do that. Many people say it is true love. I think it might be true tolerance.

The older generations didn’t believe in divorce as much. I am quite sure there were a number of indiscretions that men have had in which his wife just dealt with it. That is not the case any more. Women can choose not to deal with it and find another mate. The reality is that monogamy is billed in the country as something we need to attain and retain because family values are part of the American Dream. Think about that for a minute. Most people are looking to get married, get a house (or condo), have 1.5 kids, and a pet. Nothing at all prepares us for divorce.

With that being said, my own divorce was something that I take much responsibility for. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in monogamy, it was that I was too immature to really embrace it. This is what really lies within the center of man. There was never a point where I told myself that I would have to deal with being with the same women all my life. I never freaked out about that. However, for some reason, I always knew that I would eventually get a divorce. I was just lying to myself about it. I always had a feeling there would be a wife number 2. Perhaps that was my experience with the rampant divorce in my family, or maybe it was something deeper.

Does this mean that monogamy is dead. I don’t think so. I can go on Facebook right now and point out at least 15 -20 couples who seem genuinely happy. Those people who have been either married longer than I was or perhaps seem more together than I ever was. I think that monogamy is still there, we just tend to focus on the divorces and the break ups. Yes, men are assholes but that has to do with our own issues that women can’t really fix until men are ready to be fixed.

Simple Men

I feel like I have been doing research on this topic for about a month now. Much of it has been contemplation and another part has been observation. With the new year not too far away, I know I need to seriously look at myself and this brand new path that has been put in front of me. Being single is only a title; a social construct to state a purpose that I no longer have a wife. Truth be told, the day she left, I considered myself single. However, once it become official in the state of New York, I still felt different. I am just not sure how.

I do feel that I have been given the ability to understand 3 worlds all at once. The married life, the divorced life, and the single life. It is at this point that one can begin to see that when you know someone who lives solely in any of these 3 worlds, they have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to relationships. People will swear that they know how it is to be a certain situation but as never been through the fire of a bad break nor a divorce. However, I tend to be understanding to those people who have issues with their partner.

Let’s be real here. I do not have many male friends and out of the ones that I do have, none of them confide in me about their relationship issues. I have had very few male students come and talk to me about their girlfriends…yet they want to know who I am hooking up with. Most of my friends are women and they tell me their issues about men and in some cases, boys, all the time. This allows me to learn from the dumb shit that some of these guys do while giving out advice that is usually on point but hardly listened to.

I have touched upon this before. Men and women think differently. Women think too much and men do not think enough which leads into generalizations by all. I have no problem saying that men are dumb. We are because we don’t think the same way. We think in a straight line and will always be concerned with what is in front of us. What that means is that we let go of shit much quicker because women think more circularly. They consider everything and are often times 2-3 steps ahead of us.

Which brings me to my point. Men are simple. We love what we like and we hate what we don’t like. The only thing a woman needs to do is figure out the ego. If he is an asshole, do not expect change. If is an nice guy, do not expect change. The only thing that changes in this equation is the ego. A fragile ego is the worse thing that can happen to any man. He likes the ego stroked but not patronized. If at any point a woman has emasculated him, he might be a problem for a long time. Most men are every bit as insecure as women are.  I consider men to be like a 2000 piece puzzle that can be solved bit by bit and as long as you find the end pieces first…you will solve the puzzle.

Women are complicated. We all know this and I love them for it. I consider women to be the 3D puzzles that takes forever to put together (and has like a 2-3 missing pieces). A brilliant woman is the only woman I can see myself with. I have come to the conclusion that I am done trying to figure them out. I will just take things as them come. However, I know that even I have had the comments that I am complicated and unpredictable. I really do not think I am. What I have noticed from the some of the women I have had the privilege to meet is that many women over think certain things.

I just think all of us need to be careful in not generalizing one gender or another. Often times I put up questions on the latinegro facebook page that has to do with men and women and I see that some people feel strongly about how complicated men are. Some feel that generalizing is the way to go. All I will say is that if you set the expectation that all men/women lie then this is what you get…liars. It is like a self fulfilling prophecy. No woman who believes all men are bad will be able to tell the good from the bad because the dial on the expectation meter is always set to fail.

Men are simple. The younger we are the dumber we are. The older we are the more mature we appear. But, if you are the type of woman who thinks that men are shit and women do no wrong…you will be in for a very lonely existence…

Jaded Summer?

I feel like I am going through changes. I am not really sure what is happening to me. Maybe because the summer is coming and the last few summers have been very difficult to deal with. While I am very excited about this summer, I am very leery of what is to come. I so realize that is my fear talking. I know I have stated before that I have lost much of my fear, I am also human. Things still effect me very much.

I feel this has been a year of revelations. I have found out so many shocking things about so many people in my life that has left me speechless at times. Some things have been good, like finding out about a person having a child or someone getting married. Others have been so bad that is has shaken my faith in people. It sucks because I really feel that I have thrived on being very social and I feel that I need to pull back.

What I have really noticed that is just very striking to me is that my sarcasm has risen to a whole other level. Do not get me wrong, my sarcasm is epic as it is. I can dole it out like nothing, however, I feel that I have really been laying it on thick. I need to figure out why. Am I annoyed at life? That is quite possible. I know how hard I am trying to improve my situation with little to no results. More importantly, I have been very sarcastic when it comes to other people and love.

I wrote on twitter today: Why do people ask for advice on relationships? My track record is not great.” I guess I give some pretty good advice. I am not shy with my opinions either. Men are dumb and they have no excuse to be. Which should give the indication that mostly women ask me about relationship advice. I guess the guys I know think are good in their situations. In the case of new or budding love, I feel myself being jaded in these situations. I have drawn back and thought to myself that I do not want to be that bitter old man that people point out in grocery stores.

Could I be envious? That is a possibility. I am really not trying to be. However, I am noticing that I am being more harsh in my reality checks with people. Usually when someone asks me for some sort of advice on love and life, I have tried to sugar coat it. That has not been the case lately. I have been very upfront with how I feel about any given situation, regardless if I am not comfortable telling them the truth. Surprisingly enough, the response has been positive although I get told that I am also being mean.

With all that being said. I really am hopeful that this summer will be a good one for me. There is no reason why it wouldn’t be. I have plans to put certain things in order and it is my hope that things go through well. Perhaps I will start a list of things I want to get accomplished and cross them off as they get done.

Hopeful or not, I am taking great precautions this summer. I think I will have to have my guard up big time. The last 2 summers have been pretty bad in my opinion and I just simply need to beware.

What is up with Men?

Let me preface this blog with saying that I am writing this out of pure emotion. Not just about anger or disappointment but maybe just pure bewilderment on how some men can act. If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have no problem calling myself out on my own shit. Yeah, I am not perfect. I have done things that would make you give me the side-eye. But all in all, I think I treat most women with the sheer respect that they deserve.

So why is that other men cannot do this? Why is it that men have to act like they are entitled to what is in between a woman’s legs? When did this become an acceptable practice? I know that the dating game has changed but… seriously?

I have been brought to believe that women deserve respect. No matter how ruthless they are or how untrustworthy some can be. I spoken about this before that women can be a certain way and I do believe that but, since when do these men feel the need to be disrespectful? I forget, most men are assholes. I have heard too many stories just within the past week about too many guys who take liberties in speaking and acting with women. I have a news flash: Your dick is not that great if you feel the need to flaunt it as if women are the ones missing something.

It is one thing to flirt with a woman because when that begins and when she is in to you then perhaps certain liberties can be allowed. Sometimes both men and women can get carried away in the heat of the moment but where does the line get drawn? What about when a woman is not flirting with a man and he just too drunk or maybe too stupid to get the point? Is it that hard for a man to walk away and find someone else? Of course not. As I mentioned last year, the male ego is way too fragile. Because of their inadequacies, they will push aside respect to get what they want and if they get away with it once, they will continue and be more aggressive with the next woman.

This is why I have no patience nor tolerance for men who disrespect women. They are cowards. They cannot handle their own insecurities and they take it out what they perceive to be weaker people. We allow this to happen all the time because we are supposed to be “stronger” gender.

Then there are the other men who standby. Those ones who protect their friends. I begin to wonder who is worse. Do you allow your male friends to disrespect a woman? Do you stand by and not defend a woman because that your boy? Is it that hard to be a man these days? Oh wait. I bet if your boy disrespected your sister then it is a different story.

So disappointed. Maybe it is just me. Whatever.

Being Single

There is something to be said for what happens when you are single and what happens when you are married. I think for most people, they spend their single years either trying to get into a relationship…and when they finally get into one, they think about how great it was to be single. I find myself smiling at many students who tell me how bad their relationship problems are. It is hard to convince many of them that their current boyfriend or girlfriend is just a phase in which they have to go through.

I have made this point before that as a society we expect 18 years old kids to make a decision on their lives starting with picking a major they may not like by the time they graduate. Why is that any different when it comes to love? Love is just like any other subject in school, you have to be educated in it. Sometimes you pass and sometimes you fail, but in each case you learn.

The real problem that I have learned is that when I was single, I was not in the mindset that I need to better myself. Many times the thought process is to maintain a job and to date as many women as possible. Keep in mind, that when I was 25, I did things that I would never do when I am 35. In general, our thought process changes.

I can see how single people in general are afraid to get married. However, marriage is not bad. The problem is that no one ever tells us what marriage is about. I know that sounds strange but, it is very true. The only reference is what we see on TV. Of course their are books about how things should be, but I am a firm believer that we shape what our relationships should be. Society should never dictate anything to us.

I was talking to a fellow writer over the break about true love and marriage. She was amazed about how arranged marriages always seem to work out. Her belief is that love is learned and developed through growing and learning together. That means to me that as single people, we are too busy “trying to get it in” to try to really learn anything. Of course the love learning process is not just a two way thing. Learning to love someone also means you have to learn to love yourself. This is where I think we all get screwed. We think that we can make someone fill that lack of love for ourselves and replace it with theirs…

I have learned that being single means I need to take that time to fix me. I should have done that in my twenties but I was too stupid to even realize it. Being single means means I have to take care of myself. I need to maintain my health and I need to really set my life in order. Not to say that I could not do this when I was married, but what really happens is that when anyone of us gets into a long relationship, we get too comfortable. I got complacent. I let myself go.

On thing that people do not say about marriage is the fact that people no longer feel the need to impress their partner. It just happens. The once tight haircuts do not happen as often. The lack of exercise becomes apparent and before you know it you have let yourself go because the mind set is…there is no one to impress. Granted this is a bad way of thinking, but is it the truth.

So the being single should be about finding the path to our true selves. A relationship should not define us, we need to define our relationships. Marriage is not for everyone and perhaps I was not ready and I can admit that now, but the learning of who I am in the process is something that cannot be replaced or even duplicated.

Being single should be about falling in love. Some people fight this notion because love is a scary thing indeed. What makes us human is the ability to feel. Love is our key to happiness. No one can achieve happiness without love. People are not ready to trust or even to be honest. Some cannot be themselves because love is so hard to deal with. However, I am not talking about love for another person. I am talking about love for self.

I intend on falling in love very hard this year…with myself. (I hope I am ready)

From A to B

Something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks is how differently women think from men. I have read several blogs and checked out several tweets about how men are complicated. I realize that I am man when I am saying this but, men are not that hard to figure out. Granted that I am not a typical guy, but men are pretty simple. It call comes down to how we think.

Men think in a straight line. It is a simple as that. We think linearly. Our main concern all day and everyday is getting from point A to point B. Nothing else matters. Now, if we have to get from A to C then we know how to get there. Now, maybe this does not make sense, but if I tell you, for example, that men think about one thing, what does that mean? Getting laid? Well…that is thinking linearly.

Women think completely different. They think more circularly. They think more about getting from A to Z while trying not get caught or stuck on any of the letters in between. Women will always think about things that men will never think about or consider until there is a need for it. The problem is that women get frustrated with us men because we don’t think the same way or have the same thought process.

Clearly I am generalizing with this because not all men and women fall into the same cookie cutter labels that society places on us. However, there is a point to be made that both genders think differently, which is why women have intuition and men don’t. With all this being said, I have come to notice that when I think about this, the only people this has no bearing on is homosexuals.
The thing is that although I can sit here and say that women think a certain way or have a thought process that is not like men does not mean I have an understanding of them. On the contrary, I am still learning about how women work. But, I do notice that women do think about everything. Most may lie and say they do not, but they do. Some men don’t even think about what they are doing an hour from now, unless the game is coming on..then that is a different story all together.
It is the linear thinking that get many of us into trouble. We never think of the little things unless we have to or unless we are trained to. This is not to say men cannot change, because they can. We are not built to think a certain way, but we can adapt to suit the needs of a woman. Of course, the key to all this is the willingness to do such a thing. If a man does not want to step outside his own world, then he wont. Some men who do this expect women to conform to what their way of thinking is, which is so 1950’s.
The way a man can adapt to a woman’s thinking is to understand himself. All men have shortcomings that women take notice of. A man needs to recognize these things and fix them. More importantly, the number one thing a man needs to do is listen. This is like a universal rule, if you can listen to your woman…like actually listen to her…u will solve so many problems that it is not even funny.
A man’s linear thinking puts him in a situation that he feels he is right most of the time. Which any person who has been in a real relationship will say that is so not true. A woman will do thinks that make no sense to men. She may say one thing and do another. She might get upset about what men perceive to be something so small. All that is because we think our logic makes sense because all we are doing is thinking in a straight line that never veers off its course. Meanwhile, as men are thinking in their straight line…women are running circles around them.
This is not to say that women are always right. They get caught up in their own thoughts, obsessions, assumptions, and insecurities that sometimes the path from A to Z stops somewhere near M. A woman who is stuck is usually that person who cant get over a situation where it is a job, a man, or family. Once she is stuck then it is hard for her to get to the next letter or the next step because something is holding her back. She can always pretend to get to the next letter, but once she realizes she is stuck it is hard to move on. Now, men get stuck too, but because we think differently we can put blinders on and stay on the same path.
I know that what I am writing is fully of analogies and hidden meanings, but life is full of that. There is no way that I expect everyone to agree with what I am saying, but I just think that when it comes down to it women but more thought into life then men do. That is why we cannot figure each other out. Let me know what you think…

Most Men are Assholes…


I say most men are asshole and while that may not be true, I do think that all men have the capacity to be. I have gotten to the point in my life where I am just tired of seeing women I know be hurt by the men they love. I am taking this opportunity to tell them…I understand. Maybe my words to can offer comfort or better yet some understanding about men.

Last week in Brookey’s Cafe Blog, there was some discussion about how men confuse women. Now, I think men are simple people. Most of the time they do not over think things, they just do it. I wont go into what was discussed, I would just urge you read the blog and the comments. That discussion made me think about how men are in general. I will speak broadly about men fully understanding that not all men are this way. However, all men have the potential to be assholes given the right (or wrong) situation.

We all make mistakes. There is no way around it and if you are a woman you may think that men make way too many mistakes. I feel that it is how you deal with those mistakes that make you the man you really are. Most men do not know how to deal with situations that involve emotion. I am know am guilty of this. You have guys that will deal with pain and hurt by becoming angry and lashing out. Do you ever wonder why a man will get mad when he got caught cheating? He doesn’t know how to deal with this. However, I think a true man admits his mistakes and deals with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Which is why men lie. They lie because they know what they are doing is wrong. I do not mean the little white lies, like lying about if he took out the garbage (meanwhile he runs out and does it when you are not looking). I am talking about the lies that can hurt a relationship. His first reaction and thought will always be, “Well, I do not want to hurt her”, as if they feel women do not have the strength to take it. Most men will forget they have mothers that are just as strong if not stronger than they are.

Most men are assholes because of the fragile male ego. They want to feel wanted. Not to say the the relationship they are in doesn’t cater to them. Maybe they do not notice it or simply take what they have for granted. Of course none of us knows what happens behind closed door so it could very well be they feel unappreciated in their marriage or relationship. Who knows! The point is that most men have difficulty relaying this. They don’t want to hurt their partner. But, some will have the balls to look outside the relationship.

Again mistakes happen and maybe there was an instance in which a man sleeps with another woman and regrets it (i.e. Sex and the City). Stuff like this does happen. Which makes him an asshole for not telling his partner that he feel a certain way before he did his thing. At the time, when men are doing their thing, they do think they will not get caught. Some men will even flaunt the fact. But the law of averages and karma will always be on the woman’s side. They will get caught or will feel the guilt so much that at some point they will admit to what is truly happening.

Single men are just as bad. Do not think that because a man is single he is perfect guy. However, I would urge you not to judge him on his past alone. I mean, face it, he could be lying about his past relationship. Women need to be careful of the guy who has gotten burned by other women. He becomes the asshole that give all men a bad name. I call him the Scourge. I save him for another blog.

I am not saying all men are bad. They aren’t. I think I am a great guy but I have been an asshole. I am just tired of seeing women go through shit when all we, as guys, had to do is be true to them and to ourselves.