Is this thing on?
I have to be vague and still convey what I need to. The difficulty is because I want to just blurt out everything without caring for other people’s feelings. But, that’s the thing isn’t it? I care for people. I care for those who I love and those who love me and I even care for those I kinda hate and those that kinda hate me. Why? Because deep down I know we are all connected intrinsically, cosmically.
When I turned 40 I shouted, “life begins at 40!” I believe that. I think that I’ve reached this magical age of near enlightenment where I can apply all the lessons of the past to try to be a truly good person. I recognize mistakes were made along the way. I know that I’m not perfect, but I try my best to be a better person. Yet, while my life “began at 40”, I’m not sure who’s going to be around to see me at 50.
It’s painful to admit that the older people in my life are getting older and more susceptible to things that may cause them to leave this existence. In the past four years, I’ve lost two aunts so I understand how this works. I understand that the curse of being one of the youngest in the family means you see everyone fade.
Within the wake of all of this comes regret. I could’ve been a better nephew, cousin, or son. Maybe I could’ve worked harder to spend more time. Maybe I could have gone that extra mile to do things the right way. Maybe, I should’ve worked harder to have children at a younger age. All this sounds crazy but when your heart cries your head makes excuses.
Family is important… even if they’re assholes. That doesn’t mean I have to trust them. It doesn’t mean I have to lend them money. What it does mean is that they are a part of me in ways that I may not like or admit. I watch and observe the incredibly stupid behavior of certain people and know that had people spent less time in their feelings and more time actually talking about problems… then I wouldn’t have to be so vague about any of this.
This is not a game anymore. I will not play this social media game where I try to out do the next person in life achievements and then fabricate happiness. Facebook is a farce; a real life version of The Sims. I’m surprised that Zuck hasn’t tried to sell us expansion packs that feature new looks and outfits to cover our shitty little lives, or maybe he has. I can only say that I know who my real friends are. I know who I’m cool with. I’m done pretending that everything is going to be okay because it may not be.
I made a promise. I swore to be vague about something because, “people are fake.” I get that. People hold grudges or say some rude shit one day and then send you a Facebook invite the next day. These same people will talk mad shit but then cry at the funeral. These same people will pretend to be your friend but never visits you in the hospital (I’m not bitter at all).
There’s a lack of understanding that looms over like a cloud where some people only see things from one point of view without considering that perhaps… they might be wrong. One person sees a number and declares it a 9 and no one can tell this person anything. Another person sees that exact same number from a different angle and calls it a 6 and you can’t tell that person any differently. This describes the world we live in. This describes my family.
I made a promise to be vague and I will keep that.