Snow Dayz

{Originally Posted on Myspace}

I was so tight this morning. First I want to mention that since I have bought a snow blower 2 years ago it has snowed a total of 5 times until about 2 weeks ago. Of course, 3 weeks ago, my garage door broke and I cannot open it. Which for those you who are housless means I cannot get my snow blower out…or my car in! ( I used to laugh at people who had to clean off their car everyday…I hate karma sometimes). The snow hasn’t been that bad, yet. So, I plan on testing the fates and getting the door fixed. If it stops snowing after that…lord help me.

Back the reason I was mad. I am driving to work, and of course it is snowing. I normally do not drive fast in the snow becuase I have a Toyota Echo and when I am on a hill or in the snow, I am pretty much going nowhere fast. So this black lady in her ugly ass Lexus (yes, i am hating), cuts me off!!! I had to bite my finger to stop all the things I want to say about her and her body parts falling off. Well, I did say something, but this is a family show.

Sigh…what is this word coming to? A woman, a black man, and a latino man are all running for president. I mean I think it is great, but shit who will I vote for. I am too used to white men running this country. I think white people are scared…and if you dont believe me, look at all the shows or movies that have black presidents in them.

First example…the movie Deep Impact. Morgan Freeman was president. Can anyone tell me what happened? A @&#!ing asteroid its the earth! What kind of shit is that????

Second example…the television show 24. There is a black president, Wayne Palmer. In episode 4 of THIS season, a nuclear bomb goes off in California! WTF???

Remember when Bush campaigned 3 years ago, he said that if we dont vote for him we would get hit with all these terrorist attacks. Imagine what Obama’s opponent will say??? Vote for blackie and we will all die in a hellstorm of Metors and Nuclear Explosions…damn.

Oh, Happy Birthday Jose…(dont mean to be mad on your day…ha ha ha)

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Lost Dog…

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

Man, what a weekend I had! I don’t know if today’s post is going to be humorous as the one’s in the past but I will give u a factual depiction of what took place between Thursday and Friday of last week. I got out of work on Thursday and was tired. I needed a nap and like always when I am tired after work I will have a nap for like an hour (that is what happens when u go to bed as late as i do). Like always my wife joins me. But before she did she had to let the dogs out. We let them out for like an hour or two so they can have fun outside. So as we are napping i can hear the wind outside pick up (i.e. the shopping bag effect). Sometimes the gate will blow open and i got restless thinking maybe we should let the dogs in. So about an hour later I go to let Shitty and Biddie in and I see Rocky on the porch waiting to come in. This is normal he does not like to be cold or wet. Rusty on the other had will live in snow and cold. I let Rocky in and I call for Rusty (no answer). I call again…(normally he comes running) then to my horror I begin to realize that the gate must have been blown open. I go to check….and it was!

I tell Josie and we are now shitting a brick. The snow had just melted so there were no paw prints. So we have no idea where he could have wandered off. Now, it was fucking cold that day and very windy, which made us worry even more. So Jo starts up the car as a grab a flashlight and search for this dog. We search every possible area. We live across from Leymone College and we could only hope a student picked him up. After 3 hours of looking I was resigned to the fact I may never see this dog again. I try to fight back tears as I call my friends Scott and Mel (the bat catchers). Mel goes out to help Jo look more as I go to my office to make flyers. Jo calls the ASPCA to report him lost and when i got back we decided on a game plan for the next day….

That night was rough. I barely got enough sleep. All I was think was him being cold in a yard somewhere (it had snowed that night) or him being in someone’s house. Josie also reminded me the night prior that we had not fed him yet, so that made my dreams worse (when I did sleep). Ok, the plan was to put up flyers and then head over the ASPCA. Once my neighbor found out Rusty was gone he help us out by looking for him as well. So we passed out flyers within a one-block radius. Then, I remembered that there is a Animal Hospital 5 minutes from us. Maybe they have seen him or worse a car hit him and they had him. So before we go the ASPCA we will stop there. We walking the hospital and hand the nurse a flyer. She tell us to hold on a minute and they will check to see if he was there…

We wait for seem to be eternity (5 minutes) and she comes back. “We have him”. Oh man, my heart almost stopped. I could not believe it. He was brought in last night. But before we can take him home we had to pay some fees. So she explains to us that we had to go to City Hall to get his license (it expired) and then to Parks and Recreation to pay the pick up fees (Animal Control). So they let us see him. We walked into the back with her and it seemed like a dog prison. All these dogs were bark and going crazy (almost as if they were clanging their cup against the bars like you see in old prison movies). We see his cell…and this dog looks PISSED! Looking at us like we were the ones who let him out. I almost lost it when I saw him. He just looks at me like “What took you so long?”

So there is about 6 inches of snow outside maybe more and it is still snowing. We have to across town to city hall. We venture out and Josie is driving like a mad women (15 mph..WTF???) So we get to city hall and I am sitting in the car as she goes in. I am looking at a guy snow blow the front of the building. What a blow job we was doing. I need one of those. He wasn’t even tired. Shit when I shovel am I all fucked up when I am done. This guy was blowing like a pro. So she comes back and we head to Animal Control. I have to stop her for a moment and ask this question. How is it possible that Parks and Recreation does not plow their own street? Does that make sense to any one of you? So after sledding through the parking lot we finally go inside. We pay the necessary fees and then that guy tells us we have to appear in court! Why? “Well, we have leash laws” So as he says that this black guy walks in and it turns out he is the guy that brought in Rusty…

So he tells us that one of the kids from the college saw him and picked him up. Gave him a bath (fucking dog) and then called animal control. Then he said that Rusty was a good dog and he wont give us a ticket and therefore there is no need to go to court. So we trudge through the snow again…and before we go get him we make a stop at Petco. Get him a new collar….some treats…and a NAME TAG!!! (fucking dog). So we got back to animal hospital and we give them the papers from Animal Control. The nurse, who is not the same one as earlier, says that she needs to fill out some paperwork. She confirms we have the Shitzu. “Well the Doctor took a look at her” Her? Rusty is a male. So she said “oh” and fixes it on the report. Apparently there was a Doctor’s report. The dog came in extremely dirty (WTF did the kids wash him with?…shit?) and he is also blind. BLIND? Lady our dog isn’t blind. “Well the doc said he was disoriented and blind, maybe he got hit by a car”. My heart stopped…maybe that is why he looked so pissed off!!!

The nurse goes to bring him out and we are thinking to ourselves how fucked up this ending came out to be. So he brings out this fucked up looking dog! The poor dog was poorly shaven, looked beat up, man I felt so bad for her. BUT it ain’t RUSTY. So after feeling stupid she gets the right dog. “Oh your dog is much cuter” (you think?) So he comes wobbling out and we are so happy to see him. I can believe that we went through that whole ordeal. We get into the car and he looked tired as hell. When we get home, he sees Rocky and it is like he never left….

Damn Dogs…

{Orginally Posted on Blogger}

As I write this, we are in the midst of our first real snow fall. Sure we had “dustings” every now and then, but we now have some serious white stuff. Which brings me to my first story. I want to reiterate how fucking prissy my dogs are. Lets start with, “I Dont want to get my paws wet”, Rocky. On a dry day, this dog with lolligag and frolic in the grass. He will take his sweet ass time and make a “signs” on the grass like you see in the Movies (The Mel Gibson flick if you are really slow). On a wet day, he will go fast. Piss and shit then run back in. On a Snowy day….This dog practically lets it all loose in record time. But what is unique about his snowtime walks is that he tipi toes…I did not know a dog could tipi toe…or tipi paw! Then he looks at me like “help, my paws!!!” That is how he walks in the snow.

The other dog, who is still a puppy, is Rusty. Fine this is his first real snowfall. Took him out. He did not want to move. Looked at me and said (in eaxct words) “I aint going in that shit” Then went limp on me. Now to give a brief desciption of what kind of house I live in, We have a set of two staircases that is connected by a small patio on front with an awning. So he pissed on the patio…so no yellow snow for him. So I got my wife to take some pictures of this. I threw him in the snow…(that is what I did with King Rocky)..he hates it. So of course he just sits there. No shit…Nothing! So we take him back in and take a guess what he did. I wont even say it…fucking dog.

Well, just when you think I can handle the noisy neighbors from upstairs…I get the ones downstairs…and Next door. Now the guy next door is cool. He plays his music a little too loud, but that is ok. He is the MAN, He can really nail his girl friend. All I can say is she came…enough said on that. Now lets talk about the Mecca people down stairs. What the fuck!!!! They must be fucking a camel or something. They are just as bad as the village upstairs. (I still think they are fucking the little guy up there). The other night must have been “Ghandi Night”, because all I heard was just talking from alot of people. You know they cant whisper….1:00 am and they are yapping about rubbing the bhudda. My wife was pissed.

Since we are on the subject of my lovely wife, I want to commend her on getting another Univesity job. She is working for the African American Studies Dept (again). But this time it is a permanent position! Of course she still works at Layne Bryant which is cool. Which bring me to my story. Credit is a hard thing to aquire for me. I have been trying to build my credit for awhile. I have been turned down by the finest of establishments for credit. MasterCard laughs….Visa makes cruel jokes. But I was finally able to get a card!!!! Where you may ask? LAYNE BRYANT!!! My wife felt that I couild get credit where she could not. So I get to buy bras and panties on credit. WhoopDeeDoo! I dont know how I got this damn card, but I think the creditors of this world are probably laughing it up.