How Much for a Broken Heart?

Last night I am doing laundry and I decided to turn the TV to HBO so I can watch my new favorite show, Hung. If you haven’t seen this show, the premise is that main character, Ray is a man whore. He is pimped out by this lady and they have clientele. It is actually a pretty good show that has a lot of moments that make you go…OMG. If you do watch the show and did not see last night’s episode, you might want to see it first before reading this.

Anyway, during his travels, Ray, falls for this woman named Jemma and he thinks she might be the one for him. Of course, every time he sees her, she pays him after the night is over. So, just when he takes her out for real, Ray tells Jemma that she does not have to pay anymore because this is real. So they go out and at the end of the night, he is thinking about how different the sex was and he might be falling in love again. He wakes up in the morning to find a wad of money on the pillow.

Which brings us to last nights episode. Jemma calls him and breaks it off. He finds this hard to believe and finds a way to show her that he is serious. He writes this letter and brings it to her. Ray tells her to read the letter because it is from his heart. She goes…”Fuck your heart”. I think my jaw dropped just as much as his. I kinda felt his pain. He was just standing there asking how did she just change overnight.

Ray is devastated and gets drunk. His pimp, Tanya, visits him and tells him that Jemma did this on purpose. She wanted to break some one’s heart in the same way her’s had been broken. Not only did she want to break his heart she wanted to do it with no explanation and to top it off, do it to a man that was as caring as she was. She told Tonya that Ray made her happy too. In end…she paid Tanya 2 thousand dollars. Again, I am shocked. I automatically asked, How much is a broken heart worth?

Clearly this just a show, but this makes me think about all the things that have happened to me and the people around me. As I stated, everyone is going through something. When it comes down to it, we know when we break some one’s heart. We all know how shitty it is. But as I said before, being vindictive is not the answer. I wrote a blog weeks ago about The Scourge, which is a man scorn. I never though about a woman scorn in the same aspect as man scorn.

See, when I think about a woman scorn I think about Waiting to Exhale. When Bernadine burns her husband’s car with the clothes inside is the perfect image of a woman scorn. I would not have thought about a woman who could use another man and then shatter his heart. I would just normally assume that most women understand love, but as I have come to realize…I take too many things at face value. I forget that women can be ruthless and I need to be very careful who I trust.

Which brings me back to my question about the value of a broken heart. I am not so sure I would have taken that money (then again, I wouldn’t be a man whore). The money seemed so dirty at that point. It made me realize about how people tend to think money can solve everything. I have seen women become so vindictive, in terms of a divorce, in which taking money from the man becomes much more important than mending the broken heart they have. In which case, does half a man’s possessions become that value of that broken heart?

I very much believe that revenge and vindictiveness will very much make a person’s heart turn to ice. It can take the person with the biggest heart and shrink it. So what is the value of a broken heart? I think that the value can never be determined. But I will say that breaking some one’s heart may cost you your own heart.

The Precipice of Solitude

I have been thinking about ways to write this blog all weekend. I found a need to say so many things and I am not sure how they will come out but I am just going to let it all come out today. What really has me going is something that I have said for a few weeks now, everyone I know seems to be going through something. I realize that we all deal with adversity in our own ways. But, for the most part, it is hard to deal with pain and broken dreams.

I have dealt with my own issues the best way I can, which is looking inwardly for all the answers in my life. There has been a time where I have actually prayed for guidance and strength because sometimes my thoughts betray me. I am not going to say that how I am going through things is the way everyone should, but one thing I will say is that no one should let their pain rule them. I seen too many instances where people have let their pain beat them. I am one of those people who refuse to let that happen to me…but I admit, it is a struggle.

Pain can make our thoughts go sour…and depending on the person, they want nothing more than to share their misery with the person who created that pain. I completely understand this reaction but it isn’t the right one. I have witnessed instances where someone can become very vindictive because of another person’s deceit. The problem is that you cannot battle deceit with vindictiveness because no one wins. Karma dictates that what comes around goes around. We can never force this. If anyone of us were to be vindictive to another person we may find ourselves at the end of karma.

Which brings me to my example. Many people want to know why my mother and I have not had the best relationship. As I once again stand at the precipice of solitude, I look at my past in order to see where my future may lead. One of the things that I did not want was for my marriage to lead to divorce because I lived through the very painful and damaging divorce of my parents. My mother left my father when I was in grammar school and the divorce was not finalized until college. Here is where I realized being vindictive does not work.

My mother was not happy with my father and wanted to make sure he paid for their failed 14 year marriage. When she moved out she took me with her. The nomadic period of my life began here, where we moved 3 times in 5 years. When I was 16 I had to make a difficult choice of which parent to live with. I chose my dad, not because I didn’t love my mother, but because I wanted to become a man. My social awkwardness up to that point in my life was not working for me. I didn’t know how to speak to a girl much less have the chance to hang out and meet one.

Clearly this upset her and a messy divorce ensued. As a result of my decision to choose my father, my mom disowned me. She took me out for dinner one night at Willie’s Steakhouse and told me that I am no longer her son. Thus my first break up from a woman, the one that seems to haunt all of my relationships. This is where I link my issues abandonment. This is where I feel that every woman I fall in love with will eventually leave me because if my mother can do it, what is going to stop anyone else? Trust me, it has happened 4 times so far…

Her vindictiveness also lead her down the path of making my father pay. As you know, women are entitled to half of a man’s assets, so she wanted half the house, which forced my father to take a loan for 90k. When the time came, he asked her to pay half tuition. She said no..and he took her to court and made her pay half of all my tuition. At one point we talked and she cried to me saying that my father was being unfair and taking all her money…but I was reminded of the Lexus that she drives (and still does…it is a pretty hot car too).

My relationship with my mother has been very shaky for years. We have made attempts to repair this relationship on many occasions. Every time I experience a break up, I am forced to think about her. I wonder if I had a healthy relationship with her if I would be where I am now. Maybe there is a part of me that inherently does not trust a woman for some reason because I know I will give them a reason to leave.

My point is being vindictive solves nothing. You end up hurting yourself more. The best way to “get back” someone is to be the best person you can be. I know that sounds kind of spiritual but it is what it is. For anyone who is done wrong, eventually things will look brighter. Turning the other cheek against those who have wrong you will be the best thing you can do. It will be easier to move on and live your life.