It has been a while since I have been able to give constant updates on how I am doing. I find the days going by very fast and the work load to be very heavy. My mind does not race as much as it used to. My body seems to be going in the direction I want it to be. All and all, things are not as bad as they once were.
I will say that I have done something that I have not done since March. I actually hung out with the boys this past weekend. While this may not seem like such a big deal, it is to me. I realized that I have been avoiding hanging out them for one reason or another. I was not really worried about questions or having to explain, men do not do that. I was just concerned with my overall appearance. Looking back at it, I had a very long summer in terms of my stress and emotional state.
There are things that I am still stressing and avoiding. Clearly my dreams are telling me this. I have debt that I do not want and it is weighing me down. To be honest, I am not sure how I am going to get out of it. I have some ideas but I am not sure what I am going to do next. I am sure I will work things out, but it is just another problem to me. I slowly cutting cost after cost so that I can have more money to play with but it is not easy. I have thought about a second job but the hours of this job just wont allow time for that.
The funny thing is, I am not all that stressed about this stuff. I will always have to pay bills, so I just need to do a better job at that. My real stress is just trying to get my life together. I feel that I need to do things in phases. My work life dominates the majority of my time and even then I feel I need to always be better at that. Which does not leave much time for my personal life. The time I spend doing that is just trying to be healthy. However, I have been inherently lazy and it bothers me.
The things is I know what I want. I have had several people ask me if I truly know what I want to do. I can say that I really do. I want to be happy. While that is a very vague answer, it works for me. But, let me list what my one goal. I want to go back to NYC. This is important to me. I want to be where my family is. I want to see my nephew, Justin, as he continues to grow up. I want to see old friends that I have not see in what seems to be forever. I would also like to go to baseball games when I want. I just want to live my life. That will make me happy, at least for the time being.
I haven’t mentioned this until now but, I did tell my supervisor that this will be my last school year working at Syracuse University. I need to move from this place and continue on my path to be a well rounded student affairs professional. I have already been looking for a job and I even applied for a few. My living situation has already been taken care of. I will live with my Aunt, who needs someone in her life to be there for her. I hoping that everything after that will just fall into place.
I have been told on several occasions that it seems like I have my shit together and I can tell you that I am not so sure about that. I think that I have wants and goals in which I am trying to achieve, but I know that I am not getting any younger. However, I feel like I am in the best shape of my life and I want to continue down this path…
One thought on “How Am I?”
You sound good. You know you want to be happy. That's a lot. You don't sound like you are super stressed. This post has a calmness about it. I hope that's because it is reflective of what is going on with you!