I know many people will talk about how fast this year has gone by. That is not the case with me. I think this year has gonna pretty slow. As I go reflect on this past year, I realize that we all think we know what life is supposed to be about. We all think that life is supposed to be certain way based on what society wants. Many times we do things that society believes to be right, but often times does not feel right ourselves.
I want to say that I feel that I am in a better place then I was when I in March. While, my life continues to be a series of roller coasters and challenges, I am doing my best to become the person I know I can be. I think that I have done my best to convey the emotional issues that I have had. I also think I have been very clear that I am not a victim of circumstance. This past year, the failure of my marriage was something I did not take lightly.
The current journey I am on has taken me to places I did not know existed in my mind. I have come to realize that I am a lot more emotional than I realized. I fight my emotions like most men do because I was brought up to believe that only women are supposed to be emotional. The only thing that was ok for a guy to do is be angry for whatever reason. Which is, in my opinion, when I get mad it is not a pretty sight.
I have also learned to deal with fear. Something along the way, clicked in my head that allowed me to deal with all my fears. I have quite a few of them. However, I cannot let my fear stop me from living my life. I think that fear is the number 1 reason people stop themselves from doing anything. I also think that fear makes us do things we ultimately do not want to do. I have heard the phrase that “Love makes us do dumb things”, well fear makes us do incredibly stupid things. Facing fears is something that I have done this year and will continue to do next year.
I will continue to say that everyone in our lives serve a purpose. I consider myself lucky that I have met some pretty incredible people this year. I have reconnected with others as well that have made my journey less difficult. People can pop in and out life and that is the way things are. That does not means that the experiences from those brief encounters did not mean a thing. We all intersect in each other’s lives in one way shape or from. So our presences in other’s lives also means something to other people.
This year also seemed to be the year that many people I knew were either going through a break up or having a rough patch in their relationships. While I am not going to say that this is a good thing but, misery enjoys company. When people who are going through similar things get together and talk, the conversation become beneficial for all in involved. That is is why I say that we all serve a purpose in each other’s lives.
Writing is something that has become very near and dear to me. It is one thing I can do that no one can take away from me. I know people will make fun of the spelling mistakes and tell me I should look into an editor but for the most part, I have gotten better. I will continue to get better. I know that my posting have slacked off. Many times is because I doing too much thinking and not enough writing. However, my urge to do poetry has made me see a different side to writing. I plan to do more of that in 2010.
Music has helped me along the way. I know I have not written about music as much as I would like because I am not trying to let this be a music fan page. I am not musically inclined but sometimes music speaks to me in ways that made me get through certain days. (that rhymes!)
My final reflection is that I am ok. Life has a funny way of making us pay for our mistakes, but it also has a way of picking us up and dusting us off. Some believe it is the power of God, others think it is the human will power. I think it is both. As I have mentioned this summer, I have found myself praying and I found myself having the will to not let anything get the best of me.
I think 2010 will be better…