Sometimes our lives can change by a simple thought. I have been really thinking intensely on the idea of self value in my life. This is like a new concept to me. I have never really thought about how much my time or life is worth. When you place a value on something, it begins to become precious.
I think that I do a great job on placing value on other people and objects. I know how much my dog means to me. I know how much my family means. There is the value I place on my comics and various other things that I have. Then there is the value I place on my friends and loved ones. I know what is is to be in situations in which death is a serious possibility, so the idea of losing people can bother me. 9/11 had that effect on me in which I did not know if there were certain people I would never see again, not to mention that my own life could have been in jeopardy if any more planes came crashing down. Then there is instance of my car wreck where the police told me that had I not worn my seat belt, I would be dead. It is because of those 2 instances that I can tell people that I love them and not have a second thought about that. Why? Because I place a high value on those I care for and I am not sure what tomorrow will bring.
My personal value is something I never thought about. Perhaps because I have been selfless too many times in my life. But, there are the times that I have been selfish and that has cost me dearly. I think in both those cases it can be determined that my self value was never properly assessed. So there are people in my life who have and still do take me for granted because I have allowed them to do so. I have neglected in taking the time to show them how I want to be treated and respected because I never placed a value to that.
However, there are people that I have told. There was a few instances in which I have flat out told some people that I feel disrespected by the way I am treated and that I am so not appreciated. Some times people will acknowledge and change that and other’s wont. For those who haven’t have found that I have few words left for them. The problem is I do not do this enough. I am not saying that I expect to be appreciated because I do not but, I should expect to be treated the way I treat people. I am worth that much because I love myself.
I have thought about how I could have possibly gotten to point that I do not have a high self worth. It is sad to say but I am beginning to think about my childhood. I think about all the bullshit I went through in grammar school and how ugly I thought I was. The divorce of my parents and how I felt like an object they competed over. I know that some family members will ultimately say that I had a great childhood and I was spoiled because I got everything I wanted. Well, I do not think I was spoiled and even if I was, toys do not equal happiness. Sometimes, as children we look at adults to give us the definition of value outside of the number of toys/video games given in order shut us up.
Anyway, all that is simply water under the bridge now. Self value is now the only thing I want to focus on in my life. My time is precious and those who I choose to fill that with are also valuable. But more that who I choose to keep my time with, it is also important on what I do with my time. Self love means that I also need to maintain my health and mental well being. I will continue to read and write as well as looking for that illusive job that will get me where I need to be.