Defense

10371404-standard-1There is a sports euphemism that goes…”defense is the best offense.” I find myself thinking about this statement in regards to my life. Also, with the Syracuse Orange continuing to struggle as they head into the NCAA tournament, that statement almost becomes a war cry of sorts.

Reality is that I don’t know what is going on with me. I feel that I am currently failing at life outside of work. There was a time when work was the thing that stressed me the most but that is not the case anymore. Now things are different and I have to take a deep look at myself. One of the things that come up is that I am always so defensive and it’s a problem.

For the life of me, I cannot explain where it comes from. Why am I always so defensive when confronted with something that is uncomfortable? In fact, why am I so defensive when it comes to basic shit? Have I always been this way?

The sad thing is, I think that I may have always been this defensive person who needs to explain himself. The problem is that I fear that this is getting worse. It is almost like a natural reaction to questions or situations. When I look at my strengths, I know that I have this thing called connectivity, which means I feel that we are all connected in some way. This quality gives me the ability to be really good at building relationships. The problem is that my defensiveness has away of deconstructing those same relationships.

I know that this is something that my dad has told me before. I know this is something that my ex-wife has told me before. This is something my current girlfriend is saying. I am just not so sure what to do anymore. Being defensive is not something I want to do. Most times, I don’t think I am being this way so when some one tells me that this is how I am reacting…I get more defensive.

The only thing I can really do is research this. I read this article and it shed some light on what may be going on with me. I think that most of my issues are based on fear. I have talked about this several times in the past that fear makes us do things we shouldn’t do and as a result we tend to react in ways that just not good. Too be honest, lately, I feel like I’m afraid of everything. My life has been good but what if I lose it all? What if I make more mistakes than I have already made in the past year? I have been parading around saying that I do not care how people see me but that turn out to be a lie; my defensiveness proves that. Maybe I am not the person I say I am…

This is all speculation. I realize this. For every mistake there has been an equal or greater success. I two people text me today thanking me for providing inspiration in their lives. I am so proud of that. But, ask me why I haven’t done something about my own life and perhaps my voice will raise and I will find myself getting into a defensive position. In the back of my mind I know there are people out there who want to see me fail. I just need to be honest with myself. I am too young to have a mid life crisis, so what is it?

Emotion rules my world way too much. But there is something wrong with feeling that I can’t to anything right at times. Yet, I am still confident in myself and all my abilities. I am not sure when I started being defensive. Was it before or after college? What I do know is that I need to find away to not push people away because of my stubbornness.

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