Mixed Emotions

There are so many things going in the world and in my life right now that I have SO many mixed emotions that its getting to the point that I just don’t know how to feel on any given day. I know that I’m a versatile person that allows me to adapt to any situation in my life but lately things have been overwhelming. There is a multitude of feelings I can have a given day: anger, fear, joy, sorrow, excitement, and sentimentality. It is an interesting and frustrating mix because how do I deal with it all.

Anger. I’ve been angry everyday since the Michael Brown incident in Ferguson. I’m angry because police killings/brutality has become the norm. Watching the protests turn into riots with tear gas and bullets flying is ridiculous. We are watching history and seeing the way people react to all this is beyond interesting. I suppose I’m tired of showing people that we are not delusional. We don’t make up racial issues. The anger is there because I know all of this will not end well.

Excitement. I announced yesterday on social media that I have book signings in Syracuse on 9/20 and NYC on 10/8. I am traveling down a road that I have never experienced and it is exciting. When I started the novel last year events like these were not on my mind. I just wanted to contribute the literary world. The support that people have given me is tremendous and I’m not used to this. It is truly humbling.

Fear. I HAVE A BOOK SIGNING. This scares the shit out of me. I’m a chronic over-thinker so I think about too many things that are close to irrational. What if no one shows up? What if too many people show up? Do I have to read an excerpt from the book? What chapter? What if I’m late? <— This right here is my life. I’m so used to being behind the scenes at events that being the main event is abnormal. Yes, I have been a key note speaker before but it never gets easy for me. lol

Sorrow. There are many things that I just don’t share with people so I will keep this to a minimum. I have two family members with cancer and it weighs on me. It weighs on me more than I admit to people. I stay strong because as one of the youngest members of my families (paternal and maternal) I feel the need to be responsible so I can to make sure that family stays together.

Joy. I love my job. I cannot say it any clearer. I have found a place that values me as a person and values students. Granted I am about to make 2 years at Barnard College and maybe I’m still on a high but having the ability to be creative and to be myself is something that allows me to thrive.

Sentimentality. A few weeks ago the woman in my life has left to pursue her MBA at the Tepper Business School at Carnegie Mellon. It is incredibly awesome to be with a woman who is smarter than me. Our relationship is strong and we will continue to be together while sharing our success separately until she returns. Yet, I miss her and it becomes hard to focus because of it.

All this makes it hard for just to do what I need to everyday but, thankfully, I know how to take my emotions and transfer them into words.