There was a time, early in my blogging life, when I used to write about some really personal issues. It was an interesting thing to do because people would call me real, and brave, and honest (even if I was writing about being a liar). What I took from all those years of writing was that I wasn’t alone in my pain. I wasn’t alone in this thing called life.
But lately, I’ve been feeling a certain amount of isolation. It’s no secret that I went through a break up of sorts with someone I thought was a friend. It’s no secret that my beautiful girlfriend is finishing up her MBA in another state (it’s a two year program). So I guess when you factor in those things there could be a normal sense of loneliness. However, I do hang with people from time to time and I do live with family so one can argue that I’m never truly alone.
Yes, I can get into this whole discussion that we all are never truly alone, not with social media being what it is. In many ways, Twitter has made my life when it comes to watching shows and sporting events. People are hilarious; the community can be inviting and welcoming (particularly when you block the trolls). I can also make an argument on how I couldn’t possibly feel isolated when I talk to many people privately about writing and books. I do have friends who are there. So what is my issue?
Let’s look at this. I enjoy being alone because I don’t have to answer to anyone. I tend to not go out because people annoy me and when I do, I hate to conform to other people. I mean, I can go out and have drinks but after while (depending who I’m with) I get bored. Of course, doing this with good friends, family, and/or the girlfriend is crucial because they never bore me. But with way my life is right now, it is a rare thing. Work has been incredibly busy and my life has been all about that. Maybe, I’m one of those self isolating people who think that are extraverted but are really introverted. Can someone change from one to another?
Sometimes, I think about my life choices. I never pledged a fraternity and I often wondered how different my life would be. Would the constant number of male friends in my life change how I feel? I find this hard to believe because I think dealing with the constant barrage of the male ego would annoy me. I’m one of those guys that would stop you from joking about rape or question whether it was you who was at fault during the situation with that girl.
Blah. See, that never works because I am the sum of my past.
Is it possible that this feeling is a mood swing? Maybe all these deaths are getting to me. Is it a chemical reaction? What if I started eating meat again (haha – yes this made me laugh)? Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t say I’m unhappy because I know what that is. I’ve hit the pinnacle of unhappiness years ago. This whole mood feels different.
I think I will wait to see what happens when my woman comes back from school. Maybe her presence is the link I need to not feel so isolated.