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Black in Latin America, Christmas List, clothing, contacts, PS3

Christmas List 2011

Last week my girlfriend (still love saying that) asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was a bit thrown back by this because I cannot recall the last time someone asked me this question. My parents don’t ask me this because I get money from my dad and step mother (which is always appreciated *smile*) and my mother usually gets me a sweater or something like that. So it has been indeed a long time since anyone has simply asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

But, the funny thing is, I never answered her because truth be told I don’t know what I want. I mean, I have my list of 5 things I want to get myself for 2012, but I do not expect anyone to help me get for them. This is the 3rd year I have done this list and it helps me figure out how to live a little. The best part about last year’s list was that I was able to get all 5 things. However, this list is a little more grand, so we will see.

Blu Ray makes this worth it!

I will start with a Playstation 3. This is something that I wanted to get myself as a gift for all the hard work I put in this year. My plan was to get this when I started a new job, but that never happened. While I got a Nintendo Wii earlier this year and still play it, a true gamer as to have another system that is either a PS3 or a X-box 360. I debated both and even asked people on Facebook and Twitter as to which I should consider since both systems have basically the same games. PS3 won out because of one basic feature…the Blu Ray player.

I love the vest and tie!

Earlier this year I made the choice to buy 2 suits at Men’s Warehouse because it was close to graduation and I had planned on interviewing. It was apparent then that I needed a better wardrobe because the selection was so awesome. The quality of clothes alone make a trip to this place worth it but these clothes are extremely expensive. Then I go to JCPenny a month ago with my girlfriend to shop for some gifts for the holiday season and they have this kiosk that you can search anything they sell online or in the store.  It also allows customers to scan the bar code and send the items to email. This renewed my sense of of getting new clothes.

Straight up, I need a new washing machine. Mine broke down months ago and I am tired of saving quarters. I have tons to choose from, but I think I will get a Maytag. The most important thing is to get one that has water level control. This helps with the water bill. Home Depot usually has some good deals. I will have to give some thought to coin-operated machines, but as I said, I am tired of saving quarters…although, I could me getting more loot. I would get one from Lowe’s but not after reading this.

I love my glasses. I love them so much that I debated never wearing contacts again. There was a point in which contacts just got annoying for me to wear. However, I find myself not wanting to put my glasses through the everyday grind. So now, I want to return to wearing contacts for this reason. I may have to get picky on brands because I am not sure why some contacts bother me more than others. One thing I would like to be able to do again is wear sunglasses.

The final thing is something that I wanted to add to my collection and that would be The Black in Latin America DVD. I really enjoyed doing workshops on this documentary, but the DVD is owned by Syracuse University. I want my own so I view and perhaps watch it with others that are in need of an education. In addition, I feel that I learn something new with each additional viewing, perhaps something I missed due to being focused on an issue.

College Basketball, racism, thugs

Thugish?

Let me catch up you up as quick as I can. The University of Cincinnati and Xavier University are two rival schools that play an annual game. If you know anything about sports than you would know that rivalries make meaningless game worth watching and meaningful games irresistible to view. This past weekend’s game saw an all out brawl the likes of the Knicks-Heat playoff brawl of years ago or your basic Hockey game. The brawl was so monumental that the refs called the game over with time left on the clock. Players were in each other’s face, punches were thrown, and blood was spilled, but it is what happened after this that makes me want to shake someone.

Let me start by saying that people forget the one crucial element in all of college sports. These athletes are kids. Sure, they may have a pro game but they are mentally still children and more importantly, students. Fights cannot always be avoided and it is truly unfortunate that a special player like Yancy Gates throws a haymaker that he will forever be remembered for. It is also unfortunate that he is being viewed a thug which is something that I take issue with. Maybe he is a thug and maybe he isn’t but who are we to judge him?

I have seem numerous amounts of fights on many levels in different sports but do not recall the word thug being used to describe a player. I think about Pedro Martinez when he was a Boston Redsox and the fight that this team had with the New York Yankees. Pedro (in what turned out to be in a hilarious moment) grabs the oldest player on the field, Don Zimmer, and throws him to the ground in a move that would rival any matador. After the hilarity and shock wore off, Pedro was vilified a little bit, but there were no name calling to suggest he was some Dominican gangster.

Let’s look at the NHL. Perhaps it does not help that I know very little about the sport outside the basic rules (I know enough to play Hockey on playstation), but it seems that fighting is almost encouraged. We are certainly not seeing a post game press conference about any in game fight because it is so much engrained into the psyche of the NHL and their fans. Better yet, you will see at least a fight a night on ESPN’s SportsCenter when NHL highlights are being shown.

So what makes this different? Is it because we are dealing with African American players? Is it that because these kids are being recruited from a ghetto near you that they must have this gangster mentality. I know that today’s Hip Hop culture with the sagging jeans doesn’t help but calling these bunch of kids from both teams thugs is sorely irresponsible.

Take into account that these knuckle heads were being dumb. They let the heat and the passion of the game get to them and they snapped. I do not see the referees being admonished for not calling the technical fouls they should have to let cooler heads prevail, but instead, they let the trash talking continue. No one can tell me that neither coach did not recognize how enraged their players were getting. A well placed time out to remind players that this game is not about them would have sufficed.

Instead you had pandemonium break loose to such a level that Hamilton County prosecutor Joe Deters is looking to press charges. That is insane and uncalled for. Yancy Gates and the Cincinnati players are all remorseful for what happened. Their status on the team is in question. Their scholarship was undoubtably in question and that multi game suspension is some thing that hurts more than any punch thrown and received.

The pain on Yancy Gates’ face is evidence that he is just a kid that made a mistake because real thugs and gangsters don’t cry.

goals, money, my life

If I had $250 Million…

Yesterday was a very interesting day in sports with Albert Pujols signing a huge deal with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. For those who know anything about baseball or just sports in general know that Pujols is the best player in Baseball right now. In fact, I think he may go down as one of the top 10 players ever. With this being the case, of course he has the ability to get top value for his talents thus signing a 10 year, $254 Million deal. That is about $25 Million dollars a year!

But, it makes me wonder what I would do with all that money. This amount is just about unfathomable to me because it is so ridiculous. I am sure there are is a certain lifestyle that one would automatically live with that kind of money, but I gotta say that being debt free would be amazing. My first checks would be to pay off the car, the house, and that damn Salle Mae. I would take care of all and any debt that I currently have because I cannot stand bills.

Before people start any thoughts toward judgement, one must walk in the shoes of people who have been divorced. It is damn difficult to live a life in which two incomes were needed to live the life they had. It is not like any bill collector has a divorce option. It is not like they will reduced payments or take into consideration that there is a hardship. So being debt free is something that is would be far more liberating than having the money to do just about anything.

The next thing I would do is pay off mortgages and/or student loans for those whom I love. Various friends and family would not have that burden. My nephew would get a free education from this moment on. This would be my way of paying back the people who have always supported me. Life is so much easier when you do not have to worry about paying off things that you own.

I would start my own publishing company. I feel that books and reading are so important in this life. It would be an upstart company for those who want to be published but do not want to self publish. This would be my full time “job”. I would travel the world not only to see things I never seen before but to also gain inspiration for future writing endeavors of mine. I would also go back to school worry free of tuition and the time constraints of employment.

It would also be great if I could create scholarship for students who apply themselves academically but also are involved in their campus communities. There is much to be said for student leaders on campuses across America. I am not so sure they get recognized for the hard work they do to put on programs and workshops. Leadership skills should be rewarded to those who demonstrate how to be a leader. I would start that scholarship at Syracuse University.

I would invest my money in projects of fellow alums that need someone to believe in them. I would also invest monies in the market so that I cant continue maintaining that large amount of money in order do things I want to do. I would give money back to communities that need building. I am not out right saying I would be a landlord but I think fixing up houses and buildings in dilapidated neighborhoods helps build confidence within any community.

No, I would not live in a mansion. I do not desire to do that. I don’t even think I would live in a house, although I would own land. I would like to live in a place that is suitable for me and a possible small family in NYC. I would own one car that would probably be expensive but that would be my personal gift to myself. While I would have nice things, I doubt that I would spend crazy amounts of money on articles of clothing or unnecessary things.

Having all the money opens up so many things for me and for the people I care for. It would be nice if my children could have an education free of student loans and not because I work for a university. Clearly I am writing this as a broke 37 year old man so I would hope that money would not define me. But the things is, I just don’t know. Money has a way of change people as well as circumstances. Just like that saying goes.. “absolute power corrupts absolutely“

What I do know is that I know what is to survive on less than a 100 dollars between pay checks. I am mature enough to understand that even though I cannot take the money with me when I die, I can leave a legacy…

…and leaving a legacy is much easier when you have $250 million in your pocket.

goals, my life

Goals for 2012

It may be early December, but I don’t think it is early enough to start talking about goals for 2012. I feel that I need to get a leg up on the next year. This year has been filled with many surprises and disappointments that I am just going to look at the next year to continue my on going journey back to New York City. I have come up with five goals I need to complete in addition to sub goals that should help me. Besides, do I really what to create a set of New Year’s resolutions? I think I would rather set goals.  A resolution is an expression of an intent. A goal is an objective that you can plan for, which is why I want I think about this now as opposed to 3 weeks from now.

Getting a job in NYC is my first goal. This is not a new thing. I have been trying to do this for two years now. The interviews themselves are hard to come by when you compare it to the number of applications that I submit. It seems that looking for employment is almost a full time job. I have been at this for about two years and I have only gotten interviews from five institutions.

Which brings me to my sub goal, getting more interviews. The odds will work in my favor if I can increase the amount of opportunities that I get. I am still trying to figure out if being in Syracuse is a reason why I am getting overlooked in the first place, which is why I am going to get some additional help. Employment counseling is my primary focus for the moment. I need someone to evaluate me and my skills in a interview as well as looking at my resume to tell me where I may be going wrong.

When it comes down to it, I need to Publish this book. I have already named it, My Twisted Life Through Lines of Poetry. I have already written all the subsequent poems that will be in it, I just need to buy the ISBNs required to publish. $250 is a lot of money to me and I was about to pull the trigger about a week ago but, this is the holiday season and I know that I will be in NYC for at least two weeks and I am really not trying to come up short with any kind of money. I am looking to make this purchase at the end of the year to start the designing of this publication. I may have just found the cover photo too (see above).

Getting all this done will require me to do more Performances and Get More Speaking Gigs. Let’s be real here, I need to get off my ass and put in the work. However, I believe in my heart of hearts that I need to get the publication going off the ground before I go out there and tell people that I have a book coming out. It will sound superficial and ridiculous if I don’t. The only person who can market me at the moment is me. I am making the personal commitment that this is one thing that needs to be done.

I need to Take Care of Myself. Over the last year in a half I have fallen off this routine that I have had. I finally admitted to myself that I have let my own personal health go. I am not saying that I have been getting sick because that is not the case. I think I have been in good health, but I know where I was in 2009. I need to get back on the health kick. Sure, I stopped drinking soda and replaced it with water in my diet, but with lack of exercise is noticeable to me. I wont even get into the fact that I need to see the dentist more as well get a check up. One requires money I don’t currently have.

However, I think Running Again will put me back on track and make me feel great about life in general. I did buy a pair of running shoes to replace the old ones that I literally ran to the ground. I am not sure what it was about this year that made me fall off my running game, but I am not going to let that happen next year. After all the holiday mess at the end of this month, I am going to change my diet to something that is worthy of a runner. I will say this, I gave up Splenda last month and I think that is a fabulous start.

I have not spoken about this in a very long time but, I need to Get another Roommate. At the beginning of this year, I had 3 roommates and things were good. One decided to leave due to issues with the other two. It was a fluke to even have the the 3rd roommate anyway given the condition of that room. It needs some work done on it. I need to spackle and paint the walls and one window needs to be replaced.

Sure, the room is livable right now if someone really wanted it. It is not in terrible shape but, a fresh coat of paint and a new window will go a long way. What am I waiting for? Right now I do not have a window replacement budget. I can but the window from Lowes because I have already researched that, it is not too expensive but who is going to install it? Exactly….I need money for that.

Lastly, I think this may go without saying, but I think I need to Be a Better Man. I think in many ways I fail to live up to my own standards of what I think a man should be. A man should be able to deal with all the issues that I have listed above./ I have many of these issues due to self doubt or poor decision making in the past. So, I am looking at things now in order to just be a better person, but being a better man means being a role model and a leader amongst other men. I am not sure I do as well as I could with this.

I also want to Be a Better Boyfriend. This is not to say I am a bad boyfriend right now but, I feel that my past relationships have ended in part because I was not mature enough deal with what life was throwing at me. I think that I could have done things better and handled myself better. I want to be more than I was before because I am not longer afraid of holding back for whatever reason. I think that my relationship with my mother haa gotten better and the fact that I want to move back to NYC to be with family makes me more compassionate and understanding. In short, I want to experience a romance that I have denied myself for far too long.

I would encourage you all to think about goals rather than resolutions. I am tired of making resolutions I cannot meet because I didn’t have a plan. I would much rather plan out a goal so I can prove to myself that life gets better as I get older.

confidence, cooking, job search, my life

A Simple Cooking Lesson

I absolutely love to make French Omelettes. This is something that I have learned to do years ago when I took a cooking class during my Sophomore year. While there are many things that I can cook, nothing really satisfies me more than to make a French Omelette because it symbolizes something to me. It was a lesson that I had to learn years ago on the consequences of being over confident and the how to deal with failure because of that.

When I took this class, I was quite confident that I would pass this course with what I considered to be an easy A. The class itself was not hard. You had to listen to tapes on cooking about safety and cooking temperatures among other mandatory lessons. The “lab” portion was cooking in the the kitchen with rest of the class. It was good to take this class with a friend because then you had a lab partner. When I looked over the syllabus I had a feel of how the semester would go. There were things that seemed to be very simple to me. We cooked meats, baked cakes, and even made ice cream from scratch. All those were easy…until we got to omelettes.
I have always taken some pride that I know how to cook something as simple as eggs. So when it came time to make the French Omelette, I knew I was golden. Eggs are probably one of the easiest things to make. It doesn’t take much time to cook and you can do so many things with it. I felt I had this in the bag. The only thing to me that I had to be concerned with was burning the eggs. So, I made sure that my stove was not on high. The thing is that we were cooking with electric stoves and not fire so cooking can be a bit of a challenge.  The problem was that I had the burner on too low and mistimed myself which resulted in problems with me folding it. 
We are not talking about a complicated omelet. This was just one fold. There are other types of omelets that are folded twice or even tree times depending on the preference of the chef. So with the my miscalculation, I could not complete the fold. It broke apart and I was not happy. I failed the lab that day, in fact I ended getting a B- in the class as whole. This was definitely a case of being so overconfident about something and it comes back to bite me in the ass.
Since that time, it has always bothered me that I failed that egg lab. Every chance I get to make a French Omelette, I nail it. I have made it with one fold and two folds. I get better at this dish every time I make it. It is a reminder to myself that I can move on and learn from something that I failed at. I also have to continue to remind myself to stay humble. Over confidence is something I cannot fall victim too. 
The problem that I have with this is that the line between over confidence and lack of confidence is so blurred. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to. I have done it time and time again in my professional life and in my personal life. It is one thing to know how good you are but it is often hard articulate it without sounding pompous. Confidence can be as delicate as the eggs I am cooking with. Sure, I may know what I am doing, but one little mistake and it can break apart.
Looking at my interviews I have had over this past year, I am beginning to wonder at what point did I become over confident or not confident enough. In either case, I am going to keep trying until I get this right.
girlfriend, love, my life, poetry

Poem: Starlight

Space
and time
miles away
all things
in between
physical gaps
are obstacles
that are overcome
one challenge at a time
at the end
of it all
is her

A star
the light of my life
A star
the shines bright
from long distances
that warms
the very skin
that contracts
making follicles
stand to attention
when she is in my presence

My star
that I follow
that lights my way
when I am in the dark
My star
that shines 4 times
brighter than any other
i bask in it
and travel toward it
wanting her starlight
as much as she wants me
because we share
the space
the time
the miles

I am the Moon
to her stars
and she is the stars
to my Moon
together we are
a part of something bigger
and yet apart
by miles
space
and time
which is just an obstacle
but the path through it
that is shown
through her starlight

Bernie Fine, Syracuse University

Oh, Syracuse…

No. I don’t know him. Stop asking me. I do not work for the Basketball program and I am fan of the Syracuse Orange just like the rest of the alumni and staff. I have never met Bernie Fine and the only time we have ever been in the same room is when I have tickets to a basketball game. I find what he did deplorable and horribly evil. Right now he is tumor that needs to be cut out from this campus.

I will also say that abuse of any kind is not to be tolerated. It is a violation of basic human rights. I am past the stage of saying that I cannot believe that something like this can happen at an institution such as Syracuse because it seems like it does. I am also not going to be one of these people that will say that we should not fire other people because if anyone who is employed here knew what Bernie Fine was doing then they need to join him in disgrace.

I feel that I need to say this because people do ask me. My parents, my friends, and people in general who know that I work for Syracuse University. Quite frankly, I do not keep it a secret that I work here. I still feel that SU is one of the better schools in the country. I love what this school represents and the number of doors that this education has opened for students and alumni. Unfortunately, situations such as these happen and we are left to wonder what kind of person does this? Are people like Bernie Fine a representation of what Syracuse University is? No, this is not the person that I want to be a reflection of this institution.

Syracuse as a whole has had a bad year. I feel like we have been getting our collective asses kicked in so many ways in the media. The football team started the year with a great win at that Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium , but it had to be a controversial win (can we jut win a game out right?). Getting the #3 seed in the NCAA Tournament only to lose in the second round to Marquette was not that big of deal in the grand scheme but it still upset me. Then the move to the ACC from the Big East looks even more horrible now as the days go along.

That was just in sports, but did you know that Syracuse University was under fire for being too inclusive? People with big academic credentials are suggesting that SU’s admission policy of allowing too many students of color is giving us less prestige. It has been suggested that we are now a second tiered school because we have focused more on the common good by following what is has been coined by our chancellor as “Scholarship in Action”. We embrace the community and help build the world around us while learning Global Citizenship. I suppose great Universities would rather embrace selectivity of the students over the common good.

Now there is this. We are now defined as the school that Bernie Fine was fired from. We are lumped into the same context with Sandusky and Penn State. Are people expecting our students to riot if Jim Boeheim gets fired? I think the country is watching to see what happens as the microscope is focused on a town that is only used to the glamour and glitz of NCAA basketball. People have already weighed their opinion as we all wait for the other shoe to drop. I just think about the future of this school because one man’s evil deeds should not undo the education of so many.

I think about Bobby Davis and become so sad and sickened when I think about the suffering he must have gone through as a kid. Innocence lost is something that no justice system can ever truly pay for. But, I do hope that there can be a small measure of justice down the line. We are all stunned because I think we all lost something over last few days. We lost the faith in our system. We lost faith in administrators. We lost faith in our public figures who are after all human beings we chose put on a pedestal. Perhaps we feel betrayed that things like this can happen on our campus to children that could be a brother or a sister or perhaps even a child.

My point is that Syracuse will continue to take a beating on each showing of Sportscenter. We will be in the spotlight well into next year on every news program as more light begins to be shed on this situation. I am confident that my alma mater will make the tough decisions it needs to make so that abuse and child molestation does not go unpunished. I just hope that students maintain a clear understanding of what is truly going on around them because right now a tumor is being cut out of campus and it will take years to recover from the therapy.

Christoper Columbus, Native Americans, prayer, thanksgiving

A Thanksgiving Reminder

Today is a day where we (in the United States) are supposed to give thanks for everything we have. If we compare what we have with what other people in the world have then we should be giving thanks for many things, including being born in this country. There should be a certain humility to this day. Most of us have the privilege to be in the presence of vast meal and have many days of left overs to feast on. We are indeed lucky and should give thanks.

I feel the need to remind everyone about the historical significance of this day and days like this. I was very clear in my views about Columbus and the celebration of his massacre of thousands of Native people. So I think about the Wampanoag people who gave seed to the Puritans and taught them how to fish as a gesture of good faith an in honor of the end of the harvest. Back in those days, many cultures had a feast to celebrate the ending of what was hopefully a good harvest and to thank God for all they had.

Of course the Wampanoag were ravaged by disease and imperial encroachment soon after which makes me wonder why we even celebrate this day in the way we do. Historical images show how kind Native Americans were to the Pilgrims with the sharing of food and the breaking of bread and yet we have politicians who want to build an electric fence to keep “foreigners” from gaining access to this land. Imagine if the Wampanoag slaughtered those Puritans as a way to protect the harvest and their borders.

I am sure many people take this day for granted by eating and watch football while paying little attention to the poverty around us. However, I do take solace in knowing that their are people who do share their food and work in soup kitchens to feed the poor today. The question is, why do we only pick this day to volunteer when we know that poverty does not stop when Thanksgiving ends? Are we afraid that we will be like the Wampanoag and give only so much only to have the people we help take everything we have in return?

With that being said, just take time to think about how we got here. How grateful we should all be to have a table to sit at. Take time to think about the hungry children around the world. The sick people dying from diseases we cannot cure. Pray for those who have hatred in their heart because those people never find true happiness. Ponder about all the things you have before you think about all the things you want for Christmas. Be thankful for the beauty of this day when you look outside your window.

Happy Thanksgiving.

God, Jesus, my life, prayer, the alchemist

Dear God

Dear God…

I dedicate this blog post to one of my many prayers to you. I know that I am not the most religious being on this planet and I am certainly not Christ-like but I write this as a way to throw my literal words out into the universe as a testament of my faith that there is indeed a higher power. I pray to you because there are things in this world that I cannot control. I am just one person in a world filled with wicked people that murder, rape, and take advantage of the less fortunate all in the name of God. I pray to you because everything happens for a reason and every person in my life serves a purpose even if its for a little while. One of those people told me that if I truly want something than I need to ask the universe.

Asking the universe is like asking God because the two things are synonymous. I know that when I tell the universe my wants that it will conspire in my favor to help me get it. In saying that, I know that my prayers are pleas for help because I cannot do things without faith in myself and world around me. The problem is that I fear so many things. The decisions I have made in the past has not made my present as great as I would like it to be which only puts my future in question. I do think about my future because I still consider it bright.

I want to do so many things it is hard to comprehend where I can begin to start. This is a part of the problem because I don’t know what I don’t know. I ask for the strength to help me pass my own weaknesses. I know that I have not been one to totally go for financial success because money isn’t everything and let’s be honest, I cannot take it with me in death. However, I can pass it down to the children that I hope to have. What I want is to be able to live without fear. I don’t want to worry anymore about how I am going to get from paycheck to paycheck.

I pray for strength to get me through the hard times. I pray for strength to get me through the sparse amount of interviews. I pray for strength to let me deal with the unforeseen things that life throws my way. I am just a man in this world trying to do good. I help the students that I work with. I stay in touch with those former student who still feel they need my guidance. I want to be there in ways that people were never there for me when I was a student. I let my work speak for itself.

I thank you for things that you have given me. Those tearful nights when I thought I would never get to where I am now have seemed to have paid off. I am a survivor of bad decisions and financial consequences. More importantly, I thank you for putting her into my life. I thank you for giving me the strength to survive the past four years. I thank you for the family and the friends that I have because I am truly fortunate to have people support me when I needed them.

The strength I ask for is because I know my successes are not handed to me. I need the strength to act on motivations because fear is the only thing that is stopping me. I am tired of being afraid. Fear takes my will to succeed in every facet of my life. I pray to for help so I can get to my goals with dignity and honor. I ask the universe to conspire in my favor to help me achieve my personal legend.

I am not a perfect man. I am sinner in many respects, but I am a good person willing to help others in the only way I know how. All I ask is for strength, courage, and wisdom to guide me on this quest. I want to be the legend that I know I can be.

Amen.

goals, love, my life, New York City

Love and Balance.

Yes. I know… It has been a long time. Work has been incredibly busy over last few weeks and it has been difficult to get a moment to write. Now that I am currently in New York City for Thanksgiving, I think that I now have the gumption to write whatever comes to mind. This is a bit of a free write because I need to get back to it. I need to get back on the writing tip because it can be so easy to get off that ride.

I have to say that I have my groove back. I have finally got my love life in a place where I want it to be and it is fantastic! When I started this blog in 2009, I was not sure where I would be. I was looking at failed marriage and began to believe that being in a good relationship was something that I may never achieve, but when the world is looked upon negatively, the thought of anything good does not surface. 
I finally had the privilege to post my relationship status on Facebook and while that sounds kind of cheesy it is actually a big step. The start of a new relationship is always a big deal after the ending of an old one, especially if that end was a divorce. It makes the process of moving on and living a life of happiness complete. Not everyone moves on to another relationship after a marriage because it is not as easy as one would think. There is the battle to get over oneself. We all have issues and the thought of sharing those with someone else can be almost unbearable for some.
As for me. I feel like an adult. I know that sounds weird coming from a 37 year old man, but I have been surviving what I once considered a mess of a life. There are parts of my life that I still need to rectify but those take time based on financial issues. Yet, I survive because I watched my dad survive. I learned from him how to deal with life when it gives you lemons. I am very close to my goals and any forward movement toward them feels like a battle won.
What has really makes me feel good is the support that I get from friends and colleagues. They see the passion I have to move back to NYC and the love I have for the woman in my life. All the dues that I have paid to the universe in the form of both good and bad karma has seemed to make me very fortunate. I find myself developing my personal relationship with God. I pray from strength when I need it because I know that I need to achieve my hearts desire, I do not expect it handed to me. I pray for strength because I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being afraid of failing. So I battle through it all because I am determined to make it.
Then there are the people that who do not support me. Those who look like the could be a friend but really criticize me when I am not around. I know they exist and I also have a general idea who they are. I want to thank them because their comments and negative provides the rest of the fuel that I need to motivate myself. I have not been one to subscribe to the notion that I have haters, but all adults who strive for the best have them. I still do not pretend to be a perfect man and I will continue to make mistakes but the negativity makes it easier to give less than a f*ck about what people think.
I will strive to finish what I start. I want to live in harmony with my various worlds in sync. I want my professional life to be as good as my love life and my family life to be just as good as my social life. I am looking for balance and I think I have completed that first step.