love – Page 4 – Anthony Otero

Forgive Yourself First

I am currently on the road back to Syracuse and I know that it has been a few days since my last post. I wanted to write something. I originally was going to write about Disney but I will save that for later in the week. As usual, the urge to write something else has hit me. Let me start by asking you to forgive any typos since I am writing this entry from my phone.

Funny that I am asking forgiveness when this the subject on my mind. One thing I have noticed over my trip when talking to family is that someone is always upset or mad at someone else within the family for a whatever reason. Not matter how stupid or serious the reason it always seems to be a reason that causes angst. Of course if you love someone and they do something that hurts you it will always be difficult to deal with. Family will always be the first to hurt us.

Looking at it from a view of a friendship or relationship, depending how deep it is, the pain of someone hurting us can be just as great or even greater especially if love is involved. Most of the time the reaction to being hurt is the same. We deal with it and move on. However there are those times when we cannot deal and a relationship needs to end because of it. We find it hard to forgive another person.

Forgiveness is the hardest part of love. It is hard to let go of someones wrong doing. More importantly, it is hard to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in the situation in the first place. Let’s not forget that we can also be the ones that hurt other people. So in either case, forgiveness is hard to come by because we tend to be hard on ourselves. I cannot begin to say how much I blame myself for the things that have gone wrong in my life. But eventually, I need to move on and forgive myself because on the end I have to look in the mirror.

More importantly, by forgiving myself, I can forgive others. I can let go of all the negatives and mistakes of the past. This is the best way to love. We all know people make mistakes and we all know that there are some evil people as well. None of that matters. It takes too much energy to hate someone. The stress and angst of being angry is not good for us. It is all part of letting go.

I worry about several people in my life. They lack the ability to let go. My father is one of these people. For as much good as he has done for me, he has so much pent up anger for relatives and people in general who have done him wrong. Nice people tend to get taken advantage of and it is a sad part of life, but we can turn that around by forgiving the fools who hurt us.

enigma, heart, love, my life

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma…get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future…well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college…get married…have a family…live happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst enemy…me. So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, “in the end, everything will work itself out”, I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.

assholes, love, men, The Scourge, women

The Scourge: A Man Scorn

“Harry you’re going to have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York & I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you! Besides I will make love to somebody when it is ‘making love’, not the way you do it like you’re out for revenge or something!” – Sally Allbright (When Harry Met Sally)

As I mentioned last week. Most men are assholes. Point blank. If he is not an asshole he certainly has the potential to be. I wanted to talk about a unique type of man that can traumatize any woman. This is a man who is broken hearted and wants to take his anger out on the next woman or the next few women. I call him the Scourge because that is what he is, a man who is scorn who would rather punish the next woman because his pain is so great.

The circumstances are not always the same, but similar. A man loves a woman and she does him wrong. Either she cheats on him or she just doesn’t return the love he has for her. In any case he is forced to not be with the women that he may feel was “the one” for him. Because the male ego is very fragile, most men have issues dealing with the loss of a relationship. Most men do not cry, but rather hold that emotion inside which makes them bitter. The pain of not being with that woman who could have been “the one” can be so deep that women are no longer people…they are bitches.

Every man will say they have needs and after a while of being of lonely, masturbating just does not cut it anymore. The scourge will deal with the pain long enough to meet someone. He may like her at first and will even take her on a date; but really, he has no intention on using her for anything more than sex. Now some guys who fall in this category will make his intentions known, not that this makes him any better, but at least the woman knows. But, there are others that just don’t care enough to make their intentions known. These men would treat every woman as is she is a hoe. If one turns him down, than there are more to choose from.

These men can disguise themselves by acting how they once were, a caring person who genuinely likes and respects women. Mostly likely his game is on point. But, with the bitterness and the influence of friends, he will just want some ass and bounce. He may even take it so far as to date her and then dump her after a few dates. The Scourge may not necessarily be rude. He may just make excuses to why to not continue to see the same woman after sex…all because she does not compare or add up to what he once had.

The question becomes, is this behavior temporary or permanent? It is no secret to any man that the more of an asshole you are the more women you will get. Nice guys will always finish last until they get with the program at some point. I consider the Scourge to be a transitional phase that men go through until the bitterness and anger wear off. Unfortunately, most times, the lack of trust for women can remain. Most men will think of themselves first because there is no way they are going out like that again…no matter who they love next. So future relationships could also be effected as well.

I say most men can become a scourge because I do not believe all men go through this. There are guys who are in touch with themselves enough to deal with their emotions and feelings of loss. Let me make this one thing clear, all men want to fall in love (they just wont admit it). All men have, at one point or another, fantasised about marriage and being with “the one”. However, either as a kid or as a young man, their view of what they considered to be a “real woman” is are crushed based on a negative reaction from woman they know and love. Which leads to a negative view on women in general.

I am sure some of you are thinking,”What about the mother?” That all depends really. Some moms will tell their sons that women are up to no good and that they will play with their heads and their hearts. Other moms can be the very reason why some guys become a Scourge or at least bitter towards women. Clearly, if a man has any issues with his mother, he will find it difficult to give his heart away….especially if a woman does him wrong along the way. Trust me on this one.

When I was a kid and even as a teenager, I was always told never to trust a woman. I was told by female members of my own family that girls do not know what they want and were just out of themselves. So, even as a kid I was warned. I did find it weird since most of my family is female. I thought they were perfectly sane. Of course I see them now and realize they are all fucking nuts (but i digress). What I have realized is that this is cycle: Bad men create bad women who create bad men that create bad women. The cycle is never really broken until we finally find someone to settle with and even then that could turn out bad.

I will not sit here and say that I think women are crazy because I think men are just as nuts too. We are all nuts, especially when it comes to love. It blurs everything and makes us do things we would not normally do. But I do know that negative experiences will turn a good man into something that will make all men look bad.

I am not implying that I am a Scourge. I stated last week that I am in a transition phase in my life in where I need to let go of everything. Most men do not know how to do this. While I have problems letting my emotions rule over me, I understand my short coming and struggle to correct them.

fear, love

The Value of "X"

I am amazed about how much time I have been able to think about love and life. I think so much these days that creating blog topics are as easy for me as it was when I started this months ago. I was thinking about how we establish rules in order to put a value to a person or value to a relationship. I am not a math person but I do remember a few things, like trying to find the value of x. I think that is geometry.

I remember a typical problem being something like 5x + 6x = 22. Then one would have to figure out what the value of x was. I feel that many people view the value of love and relationships in very much the same manner. They create rules in order to justify a decision. I found this to be the case in many women I know. I am not generalizing, but most guys that I know don’t follow any particular rules as it applies to love.

I will give an example. To me this is a typical thought of someone who is using rules to define love: “I know that he works hard everyday, but if he really cares about me he will blow off his meeting and come home early” That seems like a reasonable request. You can see the value of this equation, but think about how quickly it can turn. “This man knows that I want him to come home early and he is still in meetings, he must not care about me as much as I thought”.

To many people, love is an equation. All the pieces and parts must fit in a certain way in order for a relationship to begin. I, for one, do not subscribe to this thought because I am more of feeler. I like to feel my way through things. I am ok if things do not make sense because as I had said before, love is the perfect emotion. We are the ones who are not perfect. However, when it comes to love, many people expect perfection. Which is why rules are created and the “equation of love” begins.

I am not referring to dating rules, although I think those are irrelevant too. It is my belief that we develop a mechanism to guard ourselves from getting hurt. We take lessons learned from past relationship and apply them to possible relationships in the future, which makes complete sense. However, can anyone truly control how they feel about someone if it just feels right? I understand that we all guard our feelings because pain of rejection and the fear being alone can be great, but I think we lose so much of ourselves have our guard up.

Fear. That is the bottom line. That is value of x. Fear dominates our daily lives and stops us from doing anything successful. That is reason for the rules that we make up. Our fears can range from the thought of being alone to the thought of losing your yourself. Fear gives us a reason to create rules so that we have an easy way out. If a person does not match a list of criteria (i.e. he/she smokes too much, he/she is too old or too young) then they can be crossed off a fictitious list of potential mates. Fear gives us a reason to make excuses.

chris rock, love, soul mates

Soul Mates?

I know this was a little long, but I love Chris Rock!

Let me start off by saying that I cannot believe it is June. It is not that I feel this year is going fast, because I don’t think it is. I guess I am looking at it as being 11 days closer to 35.

Anyway, I have spent this past weekend thinking about many things. I mentioned in my last post about how I had met up with and old friend who had already been in my shoes, the one of the things she said was that “Everything is Temporary”. I found this to be a profound remark. It made me think how true this was in my life. Is everything temporary?

I think that people tend to come and go in my life. I also believe that everyone serves a purpose that I may not always understand. I chose to focus on those who may have most impact in my life and they are the ones I talk to the most. While I do not think friendship is temporary, I think that connections can be. I may not see a good friend of mine for years. Our connection could be broken but our friendship is not.

Which brings me to relationships and love. Is love forever? Can you truly love someone forever? I don’t know. I think you can try. But, often times love goes both ways. Sure one person can love another for a long time, but what happens when that love is not returned? I would assume that is when things become temporary.

I ask all this because I am thinking about theory on Soul Mates. I am not sure they exist. I think about everything I have gone through in my life. The women that I have been in love with and the failures that have come from it. It makes me think about what the purpose of all this is? Are we supposed to go through life searching for the perfect someone? Or do we end up with who we end up with and hope for the best?

I do not quote myself often, but I blogged on Valentines Day. I wrote about love being the perfect emotion and while I would love for you to read it (because I think it is incredibly relevant right now), I have pulled out a small excerpt:

True love is like the pot at the end of rainbow for many of us. But is true love the embodiment of a soul mate? Maybe it is love of a parent and child, or perhaps the love that two very good friends share. I wont say that I know the answer. But, I do know that are people in this world who are very happy with their current situations. Those situations could be alone with plenty of love of friends, or love of children. I am not downplaying the loving relationship between 2 people, but I believe that Valentine’s Day has a way of effecting people who are not in a relationship or are in a relationship that has not filled its potential.

I think that many of us are fooled into believing that love is this thing we see on TV. That love is a perfect emotion that endures anything. So, people have expectations of others that may not be attainable. Not to say that love can’t survive anything, I for one believe it can, but we know that humans are imperfect. So if love is the perfect emotion, and we are not perfect, then that is going to lead to issues for many people. If anyone has ever been in love then you will know that is the one emotion that will make you do dumb things.

That sums it up for me, we are not perfect. Yet, we expect the perfect things from people and even from ourselves. Unfortunately, this is where we get in trouble. I was told that I let my emotions control me. While that might be the case, I feel that my capacity to care and love can be great. I know many men who would rather show no emotion. In those cases, women often try to “fix” it by getting them to express their feelings of love. In any case, I do let me emotions rule over me because I think that matters of the heart should no be contained by logic.

I also completely understand that the very fact that I may not really believe in Soul Mates could render me single for quite awhile. However, I do think there is only a finite number of times you can find love. Let’s face it, people suck. The older you get the more baggage you attain…and even if you do not have any baggage, the next person you try to date will most certainly will.

For now, I will stick with the Chris Rock definition of Soul Mates until someone can prove to me otherwise.

love, Valentine's Day, Yoda

Love, The Perfect Emotion

There is something about love that cannot be explained. It is just one of those emotions that can be beautiful when things are good and horrible when they aren’t. There are so many levels to love that so many people find difficult to grasp. But, I think most times people are trying to find true love. Weather true love is attainable or not, the journey to find it can certainly be interesting to say the least.

True love is like the pot at the end of rainbow for many of us. But is true love the embodiment of a soul mate? Maybe it is love of a parent and child, or perhaps the love that two very good friends share. I wont say that I know the answer. But, I do know that are people in this world who are very happy with their current situations. Those situations could be alone with plenty of love of friends, or love of children. I am not downplaying the loving relationship between 2 people, but I believe that Valentine’s Day has a way of effecting people who are not in a relationship or are in a relationship that has not filled its potential.

I think that many of us are fooled into believing that love is this thing we see on TV. That love is a perfect emotion that endures anything. So, people have expectations of others that may not be attainable. Not to say that love can’t survive anything, I for one believe it can, but we know that humans are imperfect. So if love is the perfect emotion, and we are not perfect, then that going to lead to issues for many people. If anyone has ever been in love then you will know that is the one emotion that will make you do dumb things.

I will use a analogy with being too geeky about it. If any one has seen Star Wars, then you know what the premise is (and if you haven’t then skip to the last paragraph…or just go see the damn movies already). All six episodes are about the rise, fall, and redemption of Anakin Skywalker (Darth Vader). Without going into too much detail, the reason he becomes evil is because he loves his woman so much that he is willing to go the dark side to save her. Which is like the ultimate sacrifice if you think about it. What makes all this interesting to me, is that in Episode 1, Yoda tells him why it is bad for a Jedi to love anyone:

Love leads to Fear, Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Destruction!

Damn, is it that deep? If you have been in a relationship that has ended badly, then you are probably feeling Yoda right about now. The reason I bring is up is because I think that this is a clear example of how powerful love can be. Wars have been fought because of love.

Valentine’s Day is just one day. If you find yourself doing something special only on days like these with the person that you say you love, then it is time evaluate. Love is something is not just on February 14th, it is everyday. While we are not perfect, we should always tell the people in our lives that we love them because we are not promised tomorrow.

I hope you all had a great day.