men – Anthony Otero

Getting it Together

Being an adult is hard. I’m thinking about this as someone types the exact same thing to me. It’s a general feeling that I’ve had for the past week. This probably has everything to do with the fact that I am now 40. I have all these preconceived notions of what 40 should be and I can say for sure that I am not there.

I have been evaluating my life to figure out exactly where I am. As a person who has lied to himself on several occasions during my 30’s, self evaluation has become critical to my ever growing development as a person and as a man. It’s not easy to really admit one’s faults but I’ve come to realize that is a young person’s game. At my current age I should have my shit together and its sad to say that I don’t.

I guess you can say that I’ve been “Faking the Funk” when it come to certain portions of my life. I think life can be divided into sections like work, love, family, and financial (to name a few). For the most part, the majority of my life is good and I can’t complain about much. I’m so fortunate to have people that care about me. I’m grateful for my friends, family, and a wonderful job. Yet the financial part of my life is in shambles.

This has nothing to do with whether or not I get paid enough. This has everything to do with a problem I have of ignoring my issues. I can’t even explain why I do it. I will only guess that there is a fear of numbers. I feel like I owe money to the world and it can be a little intimidating. Which is why, at 40, I’m starting to feel that I need to get my shit together. I need to stop pretending that these bills will magically go away because they wont. In short, I need to start acting like a grown up.

blog Maybe I had a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome where I would just fly around shit and just enjoy the things I wanted to do while ignoring the fact that the real world exists. I cannot do that anymore and for many men, that is the crux of the problem. We ignore shit thinking that perhaps things will go away. For many guys, it’s a doctor they avoid and for me it’s my finances (dentists are a close second…smh – don’t worry I have an appointment tomorrow). But, I realize I cannot do this anymore. Forty year olds are supposed to have all this figured out right?

Even if they don’t, I need to get my shit together. I sat down last week in a panic mode trying to figure out how to improve this part of my life because I know I can get out of this mess I created for myself. In order to do this, I need to improve all aspects of my life as well. I created some reminders that go off everyday on my phone such as, creating and checking my daily to-do lists, create an additional budget plan for debt management, going to bed early, and being on time. These are just small things that will lead to larger goal management since, clearly, what I was doing before was not working so I have to try new things. It is very easy for me to NOT do something and it gets easier to be complacent as I get older. So it is all about being intentional to do things outside of my comfort zone.

The sad part about this is that I know that I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I can be defensive and dismissive when people who care try to tell me about my bullshit, but in the end they are absolutely correct. I do need to get my shit together and it has to happen now. I have to start thinking about life as an older man and that requires the type of planning I wasn’t willing to do when I was in my thirties.

arroz con pollo, cooking, food, goya, men, my dad, my life, recipe, rice with chicken, survival guide

Man Survival Guide: Arroz con Pollo Recipe

Believe it or not, it really isn’t that hard to cook you just have to be motivated to do so. Most men have this stigma that they cannot cook and rightfully so. In the traditional Latino family I grew up in, the men are generally catered to by the women. Of course, I grew up with mostly women in my life so I have been privy to a lot of good food. But I never learned to cook from any one of them.

It was my dad who got me interested in cooking. It was no secret in my family that my dad cooked better than my mother. I would even venture a guess that outside mi abuelas, he was one of the best cooks on both sides of the family. I remember telling my friends in grammar school that my dad was a chef in the Navy, which was a lie but at the time I thought it was the truth. The truth is, he learned from his mother and has been been cooking ever since.

When I started to live with him at sixteen, he would instill in me one basic principle: you do not need a woman to survive. He was hell bent on teaching me how to clean, do laundry, and cook. I think he was secretly grooming me for college because it was a hilarious sight to be in a residence hall laundry room and watch guys mess up their clothes one load at a time. Ironically enough, I didn’t really care to learn about cooking but I ended up grasping all the things he showed me anyway.

My father also believed that if I can cook for a woman that my single days would be heaven. I cannot confirm or deny this, but I will say that women can be generally impressed by a man that can throw down in the kitchen. So in college, I decided to take a cooking class because there was some basic stuff that I just could not seem to get. This is where I was able to really understand the science of cooking. Granted, it was only one class but it made me respect it so that I wouldn’t randomly burn any thing down.

Since then I have mainly cooked mainly for survival purposes. Every now and then I would cook for someone but it was never for the art of it. When I got married, I felt I didn’t need to cook because she did it well enough and often enough that I just disregarded it. I know it got to the point where she questioned if I could even cook and I would just laugh and make some pasta. However, it was after the divorce that I truly began to see the benefits of having some culinary skills.

Every so often I have talked about my survivor mentality and my desire to make more money. Much of this is due to the fact that finances are not what they were and I have had to come up with ways to save money. One of those ways to stop getting take out. I have also talked about how fast food just doesn’t do it anymore but how I can truly stretch my dollar and eat somewhat well on a daily basis. I have come to find out is that if you shop smart and on somewhat consistently, the savings can be felt almost instantly. I wont get into the frequent trips to the dollar store because that would be a whole separate blog, but needless to say you can get just about anything if you go to the right place. The smart consumer should just rely on the basics.

The best thing for me is just to make enough food to last for 3-4 days. I have gotten really good at it and it is some thing that I can eat it over and over without having to worry about dinner or spending money. This week’s treat for me is Arroz con Pollo (Chicken with Rice). The reason this works is because this is a basic meal that you can have come out of one pot. For a man that relies on himself that is ideal.

Arroz con Pollo y Maduros

This is my basic recipe:

Ingredients:

A small pack of Chicken Breast (3 pieces is ideal)
2-3 cups White Rice (Medium or Long Grain)
A small can of Corn
Vegetable Oil
Sofrito (A Spanish cooking base that contains peppers, onions, cilantro, garlic, etc)
1 tsp of Salt
2 packs of Sazon Goya con Culantro y Achiote (Coriander & Annatto)
Goya Adobo

I start with cutting the chicken in to small bite size chunks and trimming out the fat. I usually season the chicken after I cut it with Adobo. Lightly coat a medium skillet with vegatable oil. Add 3 tbsp spoons of Sofrito and let it simmer for a few minutes until the pan is hot. Add the chicken to the pan and cook until the chicken chunks are a light brown. Lower heat.

Standard Caldero

I usually cook my rice in a medium caldero, so coat the bottom of that pan with Vegetable oil. I don’t measure this but if I had to I would say 1/4 cup. Turn the fire on medium then add the can of corn. It is very important to save the water from the can so make sure you drain that into a separate cup. Add 3 tbsp of Sofrito, 1 tsp of salt, and the 2 packs of Sazon Goya. Give that a stir and let the corn cook for 2-3 minutes. Mix 2-3 cups of white rice (wash it first). Now I know that may sound weird to put dry rice but the purpose is to mix everything first before you add the water so that your spices do not end up on the bottom. Once you hear it sizzle, then add 3-4 cups of water and turn the heat up to high.

Note: People usually make rice different than me and that is fine, but in these case you should at least know HOW to make rice.

This is the point where you add the chicken. Be careful not to dump it all in at once thus splashing everywhere. Add the sauce created as well. Mix in the water from the corn. You want to mix this well because you want the chicken to not only cook with the rice but you want the chicken on all levels of the rice not just the top. Cover the pot. Once the water is at full boil (and you will hear it because steam will cause the water seep from under the lid and hit the fire) turn the heat to low and let it simmer for about 30-40 minutes.

If you did not add enough water you will be able to tell. I check it about 20 minutes in. If the rice is hard…just add small amounts of water. If you added too much…you better take a large spoon and start dumping…lol

The final result will be great! I hope you enjoy. I know I did. Let know what you think! (The check out my Huffington Post blog from this week)

P.S. I bought the Frozen Goya Maduros. Microwave 3 minutes.

abusive relationships, men, rape

Rape is NOT the Word to Play

I have issues with how people generally use the word rape, but more specifically men. Rape is not a word that should be used to describe anything else but what it was intended to mean. It has become apparent to me that rampant use of the word can only suggest that most men do not really know or understand the definition of rape. The only good thing about this is that I will provide a complete definition of the word and why it should not be used with irreverence.

Looking up the word rape on dictionary.com I saw this: the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse. Let’s be clear here, there is nothing about this word that can be used in a positive way. Rape is a violent act in which one exerts the ultimate power over another person. The victims are left broken mentally and physically. In many cases it takes years to recover…if they recover.

There are women that I know that have been raped. I am willing to guess there are more women that I know who have not told me they were raped, which brings me to my point. Saying the word as a way to describe a meaningless act takes away from this horrid experience. I follow so many people who are into sports. The analogies that are used to describe things are unacceptable. For example, when someone does something extra ordinary in a sport I have seen people tweet that “he raped them” or if a team loses by a lot, “they were raped!”

My first question is…really? You mean to tell me out of the words that people can come up with, that this word is one they choose to use? It does make me wonder about the limited vocabulary that men have in general. I treat rape as if its the worst of the four letter words because it is that serious and yet in this patriarchal society we make it seem as if its no big deal. I don’t think that our ancestors who have been raped throughout history would feel this word, that describes the ultimate defiling of someone, should be used in such ways.

I am sure that the men who have been raped in jail look at this act in a brand new way. This is not about sex and sexual urges. It is about power and exerting that power over someone. That is why in the olden days taking a woman was a part of the “spoils” of war. That is why the Spanish felt that the taking of the women from either the indigenous or the slave population in colonial time was viewed as spreading the divine seed to make the heathens better.

One has to understand the rape culture by looking at some key statistics. 1/6 women will be a victim of sexual assault. 60% of sexual assault goes unreported. Every 2 minutes someone is sexually assaulted in the US. 15 out of 16 rapists will never get jail time. Tell me what the joke is? I blame men for not really seeing what women go through. Men of color, in particular, need to understand that we already objectify our women by approving the images of the “video hoe” and subscribing to the ideas a woman are no more than a “thirsty bitch”. Very rarely is there consideration to the fact that our mothers and sisters are included in the statistical numbers above.

Even the imagery of rape makes the act a joke. In looking for a photo to attach for this blog post, I saw so many joking images about “rape face” that is it appalling and yet, this is the society we live in where we are oversexed and undereducated.

I have said this once and I say it over and over again, more men need to stand up against domestic violence and rape. While domestic violence is a separate issue and a separate blog all together, both of these issues speak to the type of men that we see in this society.

So before you open up your mouth or type your next tweet I encourage to understand the meaning of any word before you make yourself look as ignorant as you probably are.

fraternities, masculinity, men, Syracuse University, values academy

Does the Ideal Fraternity Man Exist?

So what have I been doing for the last week or so? Well, Remember when I wrote about how boys need to treat women better? Well, the first line of that that was…”I decided today that I need to do a workshop”. Consider it done. This past weekend, me and a colleague did a workshop on masculinity, but we geared it toward Fraternity men of Color.

It was for a program called Values Academy that is an all day program at Syracuse University that has several leadership workshops for Fraternity and Sororities of Color. My workshop was called “Are You a real Fraternity Man?” Together, @panthbro and I, put out some surveys in which we asked male and female students about their perceptions of Fraternity Men of color. Needless to say it was a very interesting workshop with data that you can feel.

It is no secret that less and less men of color (with the exception of Asians) are getting into college. The dropout rate of men who do enter college is increasing as well. So roughly about 20% of males of color who graduate High School enter college. Out of those who make it, roughly 25% of those men join fraternal organization (at least that is the rough number at Syracuse University). This makes these boys feel as if they are elite or cream of the crop. I would consider them leaders and so would the national organizations of NPHC, NAPA, and NALFO.

So with “great power come great responsibility?” Well, not according to data we collected. The perception of Fraternity men are not that great. Many people feel that these men would rather “pad their numbers”(in terms of women) than performing the community service that their National organizations preach so much about. While we asked men and women, both greek and non greek alike, it was the women who had such deep feelings about men.

There is this perception that the letters shouldn’t define these boys, that these men should define the letters. This was a big thing for the women on this campus. Which leads me to my ultimate point of being a man. When I started this campaign on showing boys what being a man is about, I asked @pathbro to help me define what this is in terms of selling this to Fraternities.

We both work many NPHC and NALFO events and we have seen how these boys can act. While I know that rudeness and womanizing isn’t indicative of all males, one has to understand that perception is reality. Dr Walter M. Kimbrough, who was also at Values Academy, made a presentation touching upon the points about they types of messages that Fraternities and Sororities give. He wrote the book, Black Greek 101. Read it. He challenges the notions and rituals of what it is considered to be a Black Geek.

So the question is, while people have no problems defining what an Ideal Fraternity man is, does he exist? Students listed things like humble, selfless, and a leader. Is that reality? Well, according to one of the workshop I attended, 15% of any chapter are the doers. So, many chapters within SU are very small, 4-5 members on average. That easily reduces the amount real fraternity men to 1 (maybe) per chapter. That leaves the rest to party and other social activities.

In the end. We came up with a list of guidelines to help boys be better men. I wish there were more males in the room to witness the workshop. Luckily, I was able to record it.

love, men, women

Boys Need to Know How to Talk/Treat/Love… a Woman.

I decided today that I need to do a workshop. This workshop will be about how young men talk to ladies. While this is not exclusively a problem with “boys” (because we all know that there are men of any age that feel they can say anything to a woman and think it is ok), I will limited this workshop to just young men preferably in college. Let’s face it, that is what I am used to dealing with.

I do not pull punches with the young men I deal with. I have called many out on their shit. I have called a few hoes, I have told some to straighten out and leave the girls alone. I have hurt feelings and was even accused of telling one student that he wouldn’t graduate (which is not what I said). The problem is that too many people coddle young men and assume because they are in college that they know what they are doing when they don’t.

Furthermore, I need to say that I am not a perfect man. I have made mistakes with women in the past and I will probably continue to do so in the future. So if you are the type to think that I am a hypocrite for giving advice on how to talk to or treat a woman even though I am divorced, can simply stop reading. Life is all based on trial and error and those with glass houses can just kiss my ass.

Now where was I? Yes…what I have noticed is that many young men I have run into feel that they are God’s gift. This is something that makes me laugh because at 18-21 you are barely mature enough to understand a woman of the same age. Not to mention that society has changed over the decades and we are generally dealing with kids from single parent homes, so the father figure is not always there to set boys straight. This is not to say that assholes are only bred from a lack of a father, but it does not help. Peer pressure and a group mentality doesn’t help either in the mind set of a young man.

There was a point in my life in which I did not know how to talk to girls and it bothered me. Sure, I looked like a nerd and was skinny with big ass glasses but, I always felt I had more to offer than the other idiots in High School. When I was living with my mother, I could never feel comfortable enough to ask how to a approach a woman, I was just never that close to my mom. However, when I chose to move in with my father it was because I wanted to know how to be a man. He was the one that told me everything I need to know…and he still puts me in my place when I do something dumb.

As I continue, I will generally use boys and young men in the same way. I call them boys because we are not living in my father’s generation where kids of their age had full time jobs or went into the service. I am also talking about young men of color. Latinos and African Americans can have similar ways of dealing and treating a woman. I guess listening to what is now being deemed as hip hop and watching reality television have given boys the impression that women are objects. This is not to say that hoodrats (hoes, for the ebonic impaired) do not exist but that does not give any boy a reason to treat a woman any less than what she is.

I will say that I cannot fit all this information in one blog entry but I can try to be as concise as possible. So there are a few things that boys should realize when dealing with women:

1. Listen to a woman. Listen to everything she says. Don’t sit there and pretend to be interested in what she has to say. If she is taking the time to talk to your silly ass then that is because she is generally interested in you. Make sure that you pay attention to her. It is better that you just shut up and not say anything dumb. Why? More men have lost the chance to have sex because they said something profoundly dumb. A woman knows whether she wants to have sex with you within the first two minutes of meeting you.

2. Never…and I mean NEVER compare her ass or any of her body parts to anything. It is not a plum or a prune. It is not a delicacy and you do not want to taste the sweet nectar of whatever because let’s face it, you are young and the only thing you really want to eat is a burger. Save the words for poets and if you are one then make better comparisions. Most guys who say shit like this only show their lack of intelligent ways of complimenting a woman and her attributes. If she is beautiful then say it.

3. She is not your possession. I love when guys believe that the goods really are his. A woman’s body is a temple. Her mind is her own and if she doesn’t not want you then why force her to tell you 3-4 times over text? If you fucked up and did something wrong, then you need to get over that.

4. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint! There is no reason to rush an interaction with any girl. If she is fast and you are into fast women then that is what you should stick to, but do not think all women are the same. For the most past, women at age of 18-23 are smarter then boys. They have already heard about you and what you have done and what you are capable of. The less restraint you have the more likely that you will be labeled as a man whore or perhaps some angry girl will just put you and your lack of manhood on blast all over Facebook.

5. Never tell a woman anything over text that you are not willing to say to her face. This is a general rule for anyone but since this “guide’ is meant for boys, this is a warning. Don’t try to be something you are not over a social medium because you will only be revealed as the idiot you probably are. Be nice, be sweet…yes, I have said in that past that women are crazy, but we actually love that crazy (you are just too young to handle it).

6. This is my final point. Trust is the only thing a woman has to measure you by. Violate that and your life will never be the same with her. Trust me on that. This is the golden rule.

I will maintain those six points for now. I am hard on young men of color because I believe they can be better than what they are. Of course, not all boys are idiots but, most are. I have to admit that women are complicated and just think differently. To boys, that is hard to deal with, which is why being the asshole is so much easier. But here is the thing…karma is a bitch.

men, relationships, women

Simple Men

I feel like I have been doing research on this topic for about a month now. Much of it has been contemplation and another part has been observation. With the new year not too far away, I know I need to seriously look at myself and this brand new path that has been put in front of me. Being single is only a title; a social construct to state a purpose that I no longer have a wife. Truth be told, the day she left, I considered myself single. However, once it become official in the state of New York, I still felt different. I am just not sure how.

I do feel that I have been given the ability to understand 3 worlds all at once. The married life, the divorced life, and the single life. It is at this point that one can begin to see that when you know someone who lives solely in any of these 3 worlds, they have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to relationships. People will swear that they know how it is to be a certain situation but as never been through the fire of a bad break nor a divorce. However, I tend to be understanding to those people who have issues with their partner.

Let’s be real here. I do not have many male friends and out of the ones that I do have, none of them confide in me about their relationship issues. I have had very few male students come and talk to me about their girlfriends…yet they want to know who I am hooking up with. Most of my friends are women and they tell me their issues about men and in some cases, boys, all the time. This allows me to learn from the dumb shit that some of these guys do while giving out advice that is usually on point but hardly listened to.

I have touched upon this before. Men and women think differently. Women think too much and men do not think enough which leads into generalizations by all. I have no problem saying that men are dumb. We are because we don’t think the same way. We think in a straight line and will always be concerned with what is in front of us. What that means is that we let go of shit much quicker because women think more circularly. They consider everything and are often times 2-3 steps ahead of us.

Which brings me to my point. Men are simple. We love what we like and we hate what we don’t like. The only thing a woman needs to do is figure out the ego. If he is an asshole, do not expect change. If is an nice guy, do not expect change. The only thing that changes in this equation is the ego. A fragile ego is the worse thing that can happen to any man. He likes the ego stroked but not patronized. If at any point a woman has emasculated him, he might be a problem for a long time. Most men are every bit as insecure as women are. I consider men to be like a 2000 piece puzzle that can be solved bit by bit and as long as you find the end pieces first…you will solve the puzzle.

Women are complicated. We all know this and I love them for it. I consider women to be the 3D puzzles that takes forever to put together (and has like a 2-3 missing pieces). A brilliant woman is the only woman I can see myself with. I have come to the conclusion that I am done trying to figure them out. I will just take things as them come. However, I know that even I have had the comments that I am complicated and unpredictable. I really do not think I am. What I have noticed from the some of the women I have had the privilege to meet is that many women over think certain things.

I just think all of us need to be careful in not generalizing one gender or another. Often times I put up questions on the latinegro facebook page that has to do with men and women and I see that some people feel strongly about how complicated men are. Some feel that generalizing is the way to go. All I will say is that if you set the expectation that all men/women lie then this is what you get…liars. It is like a self fulfilling prophecy. No woman who believes all men are bad will be able to tell the good from the bad because the dial on the expectation meter is always set to fail.

Men are simple. The younger we are the dumber we are. The older we are the more mature we appear. But, if you are the type of woman who thinks that men are shit and women do no wrong…you will be in for a very lonely existence…

assholes, expectations, men, women

My Opinion on Women

Been struggling with blog topics lately. I think much of that has to do with the fact that I am just writing poetry all the time. Every so often I will get an idea based on a conversation that I will have with someone I know. Of course she knows I am a fellow blogger so I am thinking that at some point she knows I will blog about this. Her questions to be was very vague: What is your opinion on Women?

Not really sure how else I could have answered this. I like women. They are nice too look at. Some of my best friends are women. So I guess that means I have a pretty favorable opinion on them. However, I am not really sure that was the heart of her question. So I asked her to elaborate.

So then I get asked my feelings on women and relationships. Another broad and very vague topic. I can go in on this subject in numerous ways. However, I am not sure how to go about this. I want to say that women are essential to heterosexual relationships. I really didn’t want to get into the whole theory that women are ruthless and have ulterior motives because, again I am not sure this is what she is really asking.

Recognizing that my answers were very short and not really going anywhere, she asks her real question: Women and Relationships, What do you think our issues are? She goes on to explain that she had a discussion with her friends about men. One friend went on to say that men play too many games and the other said that a good man is hard to find because most of them are not worth shit. Before I could tell her that she needs better friends, she went on to say that she is just trying to get a male perspective. I did answer her, but I am not sure that I answered this in a way that I really wanted to.

I told her that different women look for different things. Some look for the perfect man while others looking to change the “bad boys”. I left my explanation just like that knowing that I did not go into a further explanation. Most likely because I know I was going to write a blog post about it.

So breaking it down further, I want to mention the perfect man scenario. I love TV and Movies, but I think we are in an age where we put people on a pedestal. Based on what I have seen, some women will idolize male characters on in films or tv shows as the type of man they want to find. This is utterly unrealistic. I am not saying that there is no good man out there, but many times what television and film does not portray are the mistakes these “perfect men” make. This makes it hard for any many to live up to such expectations.

Then there are the women that love the bad boys! I do realize that for someone women, good guys are boring and want some excitement in men that are assholes. It is has been my experience that these types of women are look to change men like this. That perhaps if they love him the right way or teach him how to love it will be a match made in heaven. Unfortunately things don’t work out as well as planned.

Before any of you think that I am blaming just women, just remember that I have said many times that most men are assholes. We make many many mistakes. But it really depends on the women to see us for what we are. All men want the same thing but not all men are willing to work for it. I resent the idea that all men are shit, because that is simply not true. I think it is more likely that certain women are attracted to certain type of man and that becomes a cycle of destruction. However, there are women who do find that right man and it is everything it can be.

Maybe the issues is expectations. Are they too high? I am not sure. Are they unrealistic? I think that is a better possibility.

assholes, men, relationships

What is up with Men?

Let me preface this blog with saying that I am writing this out of pure emotion. Not just about anger or disappointment but maybe just pure bewilderment on how some men can act. If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have no problem calling myself out on my own shit. Yeah, I am not perfect. I have done things that would make you give me the side-eye. But all in all, I think I treat most women with the sheer respect that they deserve.

So why is that other men cannot do this? Why is it that men have to act like they are entitled to what is in between a woman’s legs? When did this become an acceptable practice? I know that the dating game has changed but… seriously?

I have been brought to believe that women deserve respect. No matter how ruthless they are or how untrustworthy some can be. I spoken about this before that women can be a certain way and I do believe that but, since when do these men feel the need to be disrespectful? I forget, most men are assholes. I have heard too many stories just within the past week about too many guys who take liberties in speaking and acting with women. I have a news flash: Your dick is not that great if you feel the need to flaunt it as if women are the ones missing something.

It is one thing to flirt with a woman because when that begins and when she is in to you then perhaps certain liberties can be allowed. Sometimes both men and women can get carried away in the heat of the moment but where does the line get drawn? What about when a woman is not flirting with a man and he just too drunk or maybe too stupid to get the point? Is it that hard for a man to walk away and find someone else? Of course not. As I mentioned last year, the male ego is way too fragile. Because of their inadequacies, they will push aside respect to get what they want and if they get away with it once, they will continue and be more aggressive with the next woman.

This is why I have no patience nor tolerance for men who disrespect women. They are cowards. They cannot handle their own insecurities and they take it out what they perceive to be weaker people. We allow this to happen all the time because we are supposed to be “stronger” gender.

Then there are the other men who standby. Those ones who protect their friends. I begin to wonder who is worse. Do you allow your male friends to disrespect a woman? Do you stand by and not defend a woman because that your boy? Is it that hard to be a man these days? Oh wait. I bet if your boy disrespected your sister then it is a different story.

So disappointed. Maybe it is just me. Whatever.

men, relationships, women

From A to B

Something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks is how differently women think from men. I have read several blogs and checked out several tweets about how men are complicated. I realize that I am man when I am saying this but, men are not that hard to figure out. Granted that I am not a typical guy, but men are pretty simple. It call comes down to how we think.

Men think in a straight line. It is a simple as that. We think linearly. Our main concern all day and everyday is getting from point A to point B. Nothing else matters. Now, if we have to get from A to C then we know how to get there. Now, maybe this does not make sense, but if I tell you, for example, that men think about one thing, what does that mean? Getting laid? Well…that is thinking linearly.

Women think completely different. They think more circularly. They think more about getting from A to Z while trying not get caught or stuck on any of the letters in between. Women will always think about things that men will never think about or consider until there is a need for it. The problem is that women get frustrated with us men because we don’t think the same way or have the same thought process.

Clearly I am generalizing with this because not all men and women fall into the same cookie cutter labels that society places on us. However, there is a point to be made that both genders think differently, which is why women have intuition and men don’t. With all this being said, I have come to notice that when I think about this, the only people this has no bearing on is homosexuals.

The thing is that although I can sit here and say that women think a certain way or have a thought process that is not like men does not mean I have an understanding of them. On the contrary, I am still learning about how women work. But, I do notice that women do think about everything. Most may lie and say they do not, but they do. Some men don’t even think about what they are doing an hour from now, unless the game is coming on..then that is a different story all together.

It is the linear thinking that get many of us into trouble. We never think of the little things unless we have to or unless we are trained to. This is not to say men cannot change, because they can. We are not built to think a certain way, but we can adapt to suit the needs of a woman. Of course, the key to all this is the willingness to do such a thing. If a man does not want to step outside his own world, then he wont. Some men who do this expect women to conform to what their way of thinking is, which is so 1950’s.

The way a man can adapt to a woman’s thinking is to understand himself. All men have shortcomings that women take notice of. A man needs to recognize these things and fix them. More importantly, the number one thing a man needs to do is listen. This is like a universal rule, if you can listen to your woman…like actually listen to her…u will solve so many problems that it is not even funny.

A man’s linear thinking puts him in a situation that he feels he is right most of the time. Which any person who has been in a real relationship will say that is so not true. A woman will do thinks that make no sense to men. She may say one thing and do another. She might get upset about what men perceive to be something so small. All that is because we think our logic makes sense because all we are doing is thinking in a straight line that never veers off its course. Meanwhile, as men are thinking in their straight line…women are running circles around them.

This is not to say that women are always right. They get caught up in their own thoughts, obsessions, assumptions, and insecurities that sometimes the path from A to Z stops somewhere near M. A woman who is stuck is usually that person who cant get over a situation where it is a job, a man, or family. Once she is stuck then it is hard for her to get to the next letter or the next step because something is holding her back. She can always pretend to get to the next letter, but once she realizes she is stuck it is hard to move on. Now, men get stuck too, but because we think differently we can put blinders on and stay on the same path.

I know that what I am writing is fully of analogies and hidden meanings, but life is full of that. There is no way that I expect everyone to agree with what I am saying, but I just think that when it comes down to it women but more thought into life then men do. That is why we cannot figure each other out. Let me know what you think…

Friendship, men, women

Can We Be Friends or What?

I was just watching Billy Crystal on the Jay Leno show and it reminded me of this blog I wrote as a guest on Brookey’s Cafe Blog. Enjoy!

“What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. ” – Harry Burns

Best part about When Harry Met Sally is the whole debate about on if men and women can be friends. I struggle with this topic because I can give a different answer depending on the day of week. But I will preface all of this by saying that I believe that depending on the situation, mean and women can be friends.

First, let me just say that I am very glad to be guest blogging again. I know that I have been MIA for awhile, but if you ended reading my blog you will kinda now that I have a lot on my mind. Thank you Brooke for having me here. So…

I will be real with you all, I have many female friends. If you go on my facebook you will see those are the people who respond the most to me (besides Rameer, who called me gay…but i got you son). Women are the ones who I tend to talk to the most about…well other women. So, I wont lie if I told you all right now that out of all the women I know. I would sleep with 98% if I had the chance.

This should not be alarming. The 2% that I wouldn’t sleep with is because I view them like sisters. They are normally the ones I have either known for along time or more importantly, female students that I have mentored. Of course, the problem is being a guy. We look at all women who are not family as potentials. Nothing is wrong with that to me, but that is what we do.

I laugh because I was talking to my dad a few days ago and he told me that he noticed that I have alot of females talking to me. So I just shrug it off because I have always been more comfortable with women than I have with guys. Maybe it is because most of my family are women, so I know what they go through with men in general. Of course I try not to make those same mistakes, I find that I have to learn the hard way. So, my dad tells me, “I am sure one of those ladies wants to give you some”. This is why you have to love my father.

The issues is not weather or not women want to sleep with a guy, the issue is: will it happen. Lets take my lovely friendship with Brooke for example. Her and I have become fast friends over the past year. We have called each other, discussed ideas and problems. But, I have told her that I had such a crush on her in college (and really? who didn’t). Of course she is that 98% I am talking about, but will it really happen?

The one thing I have learned for sure is that sex changes everything. Good friends can become f*ck friends really quickly and then from there anything can happen. A relationship could start or a friendship could end. So the the real question becomes: Is having sex with a good friend worth the risk? Keep in mind, that if you are friends, you will know each other’s bad habit and lies. So all that stuff that worked with the ex you could not get over, will not work with this person. Plus, let us not talk about what happens if someone catches feelings while the other person does not…

What about if you have had sex with your friend and have moved past it and remain friends. Then one or both get into a serious relationship with another person. Will there be a level of secrecy there? Would you tell your partner that you slept with your best friend? Sure it meant something at the time but now you supposedly moved past it. Now what? Right there is the key. What if the person’s partner does not want to trust your best friend? I mean lets face it, men and women can be pretty bad if the sex was off the hook.

However, in most cases that I have seen, a true friendship can get past that. True friends just care about each other and the other person’s well being. So, it is possible to be friends through thick and thin.

So, I am going to need some help here…can we be friends or what? I think we can, but of course if you in the 98% it might difficult…lol