assholes – Anthony Otero

My Opinion on Women

Been struggling with blog topics lately. I think much of that has to do with the fact that I am just writing poetry all the time. Every so often I will get an idea based on a conversation that I will have with someone I know. Of course she knows I am a fellow blogger so I am thinking that at some point she knows I will blog about this. Her questions to be was very vague: What is your opinion on Women?

Not really sure how else I could have answered this. I like women. They are nice too look at. Some of my best friends are women. So I guess that means I have a pretty favorable opinion on them. However, I am not really sure that was the heart of her question. So I asked her to elaborate.

So then I get asked my feelings on women and relationships. Another broad and very vague topic. I can go in on this subject in numerous ways. However, I am not sure how to go about this. I want to say that women are essential to heterosexual relationships. I really didn’t want to get into the whole theory that women are ruthless and have ulterior motives because, again I am not sure this is what she is really asking.

Recognizing that my answers were very short and not really going anywhere, she asks her real question: Women and Relationships, What do you think our issues are? She goes on to explain that she had a discussion with her friends about men. One friend went on to say that men play too many games and the other said that a good man is hard to find because most of them are not worth shit. Before I could tell her that she needs better friends, she went on to say that she is just trying to get a male perspective. I did answer her, but I am not sure that I answered this in a way that I really wanted to.

I told her that different women look for different things. Some look for the perfect man while others looking to change the “bad boys”. I left my explanation just like that knowing that I did not go into a further explanation. Most likely because I know I was going to write a blog post about it.

So breaking it down further, I want to mention the perfect man scenario. I love TV and Movies, but I think we are in an age where we put people on a pedestal. Based on what I have seen, some women will idolize male characters on in films or tv shows as the type of man they want to find. This is utterly unrealistic. I am not saying that there is no good man out there, but many times what television and film does not portray are the mistakes these “perfect men” make. This makes it hard for any many to live up to such expectations.

Then there are the women that love the bad boys! I do realize that for someone women, good guys are boring and want some excitement in men that are assholes. It is has been my experience that these types of women are look to change men like this. That perhaps if they love him the right way or teach him how to love it will be a match made in heaven. Unfortunately things don’t work out as well as planned.

Before any of you think that I am blaming just women, just remember that I have said many times that most men are assholes. We make many many mistakes. But it really depends on the women to see us for what we are. All men want the same thing but not all men are willing to work for it. I resent the idea that all men are shit, because that is simply not true. I think it is more likely that certain women are attracted to certain type of man and that becomes a cycle of destruction. However, there are women who do find that right man and it is everything it can be.

Maybe the issues is expectations. Are they too high? I am not sure. Are they unrealistic? I think that is a better possibility.

anger, assholes, emotions, love, my life, overthinking

Hiatus

With the exception of my post last Friday, I have been on a self imposed hiatus. There was no particular reason for other than to just think about my life and how I react to certain situations. I realize that I am a very emotional person. Funny thing is when I say the word “emotional” it gives me images of someone crying and that is not what I am trying to convey. However, being a highly emotional does mean an array of things, but more importantly my lack of control of them is what gets me in trouble.

I think it maybe time for me to look into the different emotions that I do carry around. I know that I have not explored them in length and as a man, I think I should. My hope is that by exploring certain aspect of my moods and behavior and I can try to find some answer to why I cannot seem to control my emotions when I need to.

I have found various ways to deal with them such as writing poems or exercising. These are activities that stimulate my mind and body enough to let me let go of anything I may be feeling. Sometimes those are not enough. I find myself shutting down when it gets to be too much and thus the hiatus.

Before you start wondering what may have happened, just know that nothing major or life threatening has take place to me or anyone I know. However, I am sensitive to the actions of others. I am very much conscience of my place in this world and my place in the lives of those who I care about. But, I think my problem is that I care too much.

One of my issues is that I have not acquired the ability to stop caring. I think that is something that I am going to need to learn quickly now that I am single again. Why? Because women love men that don’t give a shit (let’s be honest about that). Of course, this begins the argument that I have had with many women in the past that if I stop caring that would make me an asshole. Well, who do you think gets all the attention in the dating game? Do I have it in me not to care anymore? I think I need to find that out.

My other issue is something old. I over-think everything still. I want to say that I am not as bad as I used to be but, I think I do over-think things way too much. It is my opinion that over-thinking becomes fuel for emotion. It is also hard when I wear that emotion on my sleeve as evidence of what happened two weeks ago.

Over the the course of the next few weeks or how ever long it takes me, I will explore some basic emotions and how I deal or not deal with them. I want to be able to see what it is I could be doing better. Some of the things come to mind: Love, Anger, Sadness, Fear, Indifference, and Hope.

It is my sincere hope to discover somethings about myself. With that said, I just want to mention how much I love twitter. As I am writing this, I asked a question to my followers: For those who know me: Do you think I have the ability to stop caring anymore(i.e. become an a**hole)? The general consensus I have gotten so far is that I do not have that ability…interesting.

assholes, men, relationships

What is up with Men?

Let me preface this blog with saying that I am writing this out of pure emotion. Not just about anger or disappointment but maybe just pure bewilderment on how some men can act. If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have no problem calling myself out on my own shit. Yeah, I am not perfect. I have done things that would make you give me the side-eye. But all in all, I think I treat most women with the sheer respect that they deserve.

So why is that other men cannot do this? Why is it that men have to act like they are entitled to what is in between a woman’s legs? When did this become an acceptable practice? I know that the dating game has changed but… seriously?

I have been brought to believe that women deserve respect. No matter how ruthless they are or how untrustworthy some can be. I spoken about this before that women can be a certain way and I do believe that but, since when do these men feel the need to be disrespectful? I forget, most men are assholes. I have heard too many stories just within the past week about too many guys who take liberties in speaking and acting with women. I have a news flash: Your dick is not that great if you feel the need to flaunt it as if women are the ones missing something.

It is one thing to flirt with a woman because when that begins and when she is in to you then perhaps certain liberties can be allowed. Sometimes both men and women can get carried away in the heat of the moment but where does the line get drawn? What about when a woman is not flirting with a man and he just too drunk or maybe too stupid to get the point? Is it that hard for a man to walk away and find someone else? Of course not. As I mentioned last year, the male ego is way too fragile. Because of their inadequacies, they will push aside respect to get what they want and if they get away with it once, they will continue and be more aggressive with the next woman.

This is why I have no patience nor tolerance for men who disrespect women. They are cowards. They cannot handle their own insecurities and they take it out what they perceive to be weaker people. We allow this to happen all the time because we are supposed to be “stronger” gender.

Then there are the other men who standby. Those ones who protect their friends. I begin to wonder who is worse. Do you allow your male friends to disrespect a woman? Do you stand by and not defend a woman because that your boy? Is it that hard to be a man these days? Oh wait. I bet if your boy disrespected your sister then it is a different story.

So disappointed. Maybe it is just me. Whatever.

assholes, guest blog, men, The Scourge, women

Men Are Assholes – A Woman’s Response

My recent blogs have been very interesting to say the least. But, I felt I need a woman’s perspective on all this. So, I have asked Brooke from Brookey’s Cafe Blog to weigh in all this “Asshole” stuff. She is an incredible writer and a good friend. I am glad to have her as my first Guest Blogger…so lets see what is inside her head:

Okay, I actually had to marinate on this one. Ant asked me to write a response to his “Men are Assholes” blog. I say I had to think about it because I could have simply written, “I agree…The End” and kept it moving. 🙂 But, I wanted to give this some serious thought.

I know most women who read Ant’s blog will say ‘yes, men ARE assholes. Period.” And that would be easy to do. But then we have to prepare ourselves for the snappy comeback – “well, if we’re assholes, it’s because women are bitches!”

Back to that in a minute.

Ant kinda wrote his own follow-up to the “Most Men are Assholes” blog with his “The Scourge: A Man Scorned” post. It kinda gave an explanation as to the reason why some men are assholes. I’m going to try to respond to both blogs in one.

Ant said most men are assholes, or have the potential to be. But that could be said about anyone…man or woman. Women can be bitches (whatever your definition of a bitch is) – we all have the potential to be. What defines our character is how we react in certain situations and how we allow these situations to affect our lives. For the sake of this post, the situation is heartache. We can either take a good look at our heartbreaks and learn the lesson, or we can turn into assholes and bitches and destroy everything in our path. It’s up to us to decide.

That being said, from the woman’s perspective, most of us recognize the asshole. Ant said the asshole can disguise himself as a sincere, genuine dude just to get what he wants…but most men don’t bother. They just don’t go that far to try to get us if they’ve been THAT hurt. They really could give a damn. Like Ant said, most assholes tell you upfront what the deal is and leave it up to you to decide if you wanna rock with him or not. There are at least 3 other women he’s already looking at ready to take your place if you bounce.

But, some women think we can change him, soften him up a bit…be the woman that takes his “assholedness” away. And if that’s the case, all I can say is if you fall for an asshole, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Men like the ones Ant speaks of are not hard to spot. Sure, they can lure you with fake confidence, money, cars, clothes, sweet words, and dance and romance your sweet ass. But underneath all that is a man filled with bitterness and anger – not just towards women, but towards himself too. He can’t hide that for too long. If you wait a little while and don’t give him any too soon, he will eventually rear his ugly head. Trust me on that.

But sometimes we women don’t give it a chance. We catch feelings and BAM! Hooked on an asshole. We make excuses for why we fell for the asshole…all of it nonsense. I know, I’ve done it. I still do it sometimes…and it’s all buffoonery. There’s no trickery involved. It’s just that assholes present a challenge. We want to “fix” them. We want to love them back to health. Ladies, it can’t be done. He has to WANT to not be an asshole anymore – and if the pain is too deep, RUN! Nothing hurts more than to fall in love with an asshole with a broken heart.

That being said, I don’t believe that most men are assholes. But what most men are NOT are experts with emotions…especially their own. We may not believe this, but I think women are good at eliciting emotions from men, even though they won’t admit it. When things are good, well, they’re good. Like Ant said, men want to love and loved in return. But when things fall apart, men feel like they fell into a trap that they set for themselves. Men think love is a curse. They run from it like it’s a disease they catch, like the freakin plague. They fool themselves into believing that they can’t be hurt. But when it inevitably happens, they’re shocked and surprised…and pissed off.

For some, emotional pain hurts like physical pain. When a man gets hurt, the instinctive response is to hurt the person who inflicted this damage even more. In the hundreds of thousands of years since man walked upright, this instinctive response served them well. Until now. Now this response just makes life unbearable for everyone – them and the women they loved (and perhaps still love) and every woman who follows.

When their world flips upside down, inflicting pain on the woman also gives him a small measure of grounding. If he can’t make her feel love for him, he at least can make her feel pain because of him. It’s not much of a consolation prize, but at this point, any bits and pieces of pride and ego that he can salvage he’ll gladly take. When there’s no more love to speak of, power is the only thing that matters. As long as he still has the power to make the woman feel something, anything, even if it’s pain and misery, he will likely use it.

So yes, sometimes men act like assholes. Not because they really are, but because it’s the easy way out. It’s the fastest way for them to heal and come to terms with their emotions. The alternative is too difficult and too painful. Not many men know how to take the high road or deal effectively with their emotions. It could be called “bitchassness”…or simply human nature.

Typically, men and women deal with emotions differently. Women cry, call girlfriends, hash it out immediately and allow ourselves to drown in the pain until we can’t cry anymore. Then magically we’re cured and we fall in love again. The problem is if we don’t take responsibility, learn our lessons and keep falling in love with assholes, then we can – and most likely WILL – turn into that bitch ourselves. Some women react the same way an asshole man does, and punish every potentially good man they meet…making him pay for the asshole they fell in love with who hurt them. And the cycle continues.

For the woman, I have only one piece of advice. Ask yourself: is he a good person having an asshole moment? Or is he TRULY an asshole? If the answer is yes, then be honest with yourself and run – do not pass-go! But if he’s a good guy who’s been hurt and is trying to instinctively protect himself from being hurt again, forgive him for his asshole moments – even if he acted foolish and hurtful in the worst situations. He did it because it was the only way he knew how to get through the darkness. And if the Scourge truly wants to come out of the darkness, don’t be a bitch…be his Light.

assholes, love, men, The Scourge, women

The Scourge: A Man Scorn

“Harry you’re going to have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York & I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you! Besides I will make love to somebody when it is ‘making love’, not the way you do it like you’re out for revenge or something!” – Sally Allbright (When Harry Met Sally)

As I mentioned last week. Most men are assholes. Point blank. If he is not an asshole he certainly has the potential to be. I wanted to talk about a unique type of man that can traumatize any woman. This is a man who is broken hearted and wants to take his anger out on the next woman or the next few women. I call him the Scourge because that is what he is, a man who is scorn who would rather punish the next woman because his pain is so great.

The circumstances are not always the same, but similar. A man loves a woman and she does him wrong. Either she cheats on him or she just doesn’t return the love he has for her. In any case he is forced to not be with the women that he may feel was “the one” for him. Because the male ego is very fragile, most men have issues dealing with the loss of a relationship. Most men do not cry, but rather hold that emotion inside which makes them bitter. The pain of not being with that woman who could have been “the one” can be so deep that women are no longer people…they are bitches.

Every man will say they have needs and after a while of being of lonely, masturbating just does not cut it anymore. The scourge will deal with the pain long enough to meet someone. He may like her at first and will even take her on a date; but really, he has no intention on using her for anything more than sex. Now some guys who fall in this category will make his intentions known, not that this makes him any better, but at least the woman knows. But, there are others that just don’t care enough to make their intentions known. These men would treat every woman as is she is a hoe. If one turns him down, than there are more to choose from.

These men can disguise themselves by acting how they once were, a caring person who genuinely likes and respects women. Mostly likely his game is on point. But, with the bitterness and the influence of friends, he will just want some ass and bounce. He may even take it so far as to date her and then dump her after a few dates. The Scourge may not necessarily be rude. He may just make excuses to why to not continue to see the same woman after sex…all because she does not compare or add up to what he once had.

The question becomes, is this behavior temporary or permanent? It is no secret to any man that the more of an asshole you are the more women you will get. Nice guys will always finish last until they get with the program at some point. I consider the Scourge to be a transitional phase that men go through until the bitterness and anger wear off. Unfortunately, most times, the lack of trust for women can remain. Most men will think of themselves first because there is no way they are going out like that again…no matter who they love next. So future relationships could also be effected as well.

I say most men can become a scourge because I do not believe all men go through this. There are guys who are in touch with themselves enough to deal with their emotions and feelings of loss. Let me make this one thing clear, all men want to fall in love (they just wont admit it). All men have, at one point or another, fantasised about marriage and being with “the one”. However, either as a kid or as a young man, their view of what they considered to be a “real woman” is are crushed based on a negative reaction from woman they know and love. Which leads to a negative view on women in general.

I am sure some of you are thinking,”What about the mother?” That all depends really. Some moms will tell their sons that women are up to no good and that they will play with their heads and their hearts. Other moms can be the very reason why some guys become a Scourge or at least bitter towards women. Clearly, if a man has any issues with his mother, he will find it difficult to give his heart away….especially if a woman does him wrong along the way. Trust me on this one.

When I was a kid and even as a teenager, I was always told never to trust a woman. I was told by female members of my own family that girls do not know what they want and were just out of themselves. So, even as a kid I was warned. I did find it weird since most of my family is female. I thought they were perfectly sane. Of course I see them now and realize they are all fucking nuts (but i digress). What I have realized is that this is cycle: Bad men create bad women who create bad men that create bad women. The cycle is never really broken until we finally find someone to settle with and even then that could turn out bad.

I will not sit here and say that I think women are crazy because I think men are just as nuts too. We are all nuts, especially when it comes to love. It blurs everything and makes us do things we would not normally do. But I do know that negative experiences will turn a good man into something that will make all men look bad.

I am not implying that I am a Scourge. I stated last week that I am in a transition phase in my life in where I need to let go of everything. Most men do not know how to do this. While I have problems letting my emotions rule over me, I understand my short coming and struggle to correct them.

assholes, men, relationships

Most Men are Assholes…

I say most men are asshole and while that may not be true, I do think that all men have the capacity to be. I have gotten to the point in my life where I am just tired of seeing women I know be hurt by the men they love. I am taking this opportunity to tell them…I understand. Maybe my words to can offer comfort or better yet some understanding about men.

Last week in Brookey’s Cafe Blog, there was some discussion about how men confuse women. Now, I think men are simple people. Most of the time they do not over think things, they just do it. I wont go into what was discussed, I would just urge you read the blog and the comments. That discussion made me think about how men are in general. I will speak broadly about men fully understanding that not all men are this way. However, all men have the potential to be assholes given the right (or wrong) situation.

We all make mistakes. There is no way around it and if you are a woman you may think that men make way too many mistakes. I feel that it is how you deal with those mistakes that make you the man you really are. Most men do not know how to deal with situations that involve emotion. I am know am guilty of this. You have guys that will deal with pain and hurt by becoming angry and lashing out. Do you ever wonder why a man will get mad when he got caught cheating? He doesn’t know how to deal with this. However, I think a true man admits his mistakes and deals with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Which is why men lie. They lie because they know what they are doing is wrong. I do not mean the little white lies, like lying about if he took out the garbage (meanwhile he runs out and does it when you are not looking). I am talking about the lies that can hurt a relationship. His first reaction and thought will always be, “Well, I do not want to hurt her”, as if they feel women do not have the strength to take it. Most men will forget they have mothers that are just as strong if not stronger than they are.

Most men are assholes because of the fragile male ego. They want to feel wanted. Not to say the the relationship they are in doesn’t cater to them. Maybe they do not notice it or simply take what they have for granted. Of course none of us knows what happens behind closed door so it could very well be they feel unappreciated in their marriage or relationship. Who knows! The point is that most men have difficulty relaying this. They don’t want to hurt their partner. But, some will have the balls to look outside the relationship.

Again mistakes happen and maybe there was an instance in which a man sleeps with another woman and regrets it (i.e. Sex and the City). Stuff like this does happen. Which makes him an asshole for not telling his partner that he feel a certain way before he did his thing. At the time, when men are doing their thing, they do think they will not get caught. Some men will even flaunt the fact. But the law of averages and karma will always be on the woman’s side. They will get caught or will feel the guilt so much that at some point they will admit to what is truly happening.

Single men are just as bad. Do not think that because a man is single he is perfect guy. However, I would urge you not to judge him on his past alone. I mean, face it, he could be lying about his past relationship. Women need to be careful of the guy who has gotten burned by other women. He becomes the asshole that give all men a bad name. I call him the Scourge. I save him for another blog.

I am not saying all men are bad. They aren’t. I think I am a great guy but I have been an asshole. I am just tired of seeing women go through shit when all we, as guys, had to do is be true to them and to ourselves.