Category: my dad

Blogging, my dad, my life

Overthinking Everything

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and he identified my number 1 problem. He told me that I over think everything. One thing about friends, the good ones who really know us , is that they can point out our faults without us getting hurt. I mean, this man is so on point. I do over think…everything! I am not even sure why I do this. (Disclaimer: I will probably over think this current subject, but this is my blog and I reserve the right)

Of course I overthink! That is why I have a blog so I can overthink any subject I please. I am not sure how I got through life without this blog. I find myself thinking so much about my issues as well as my job. The funny thing is, I don’t over think my job. Many times I just do. No matter the situation, I get into a groove and never over think a problem. The solution always seems to be in hand.

In my personal life, not so much. It can get to a point where some of things that I over think about can shut me down and stop me from doing work. While I know this is natural, I consider this to be big problem of productivity. However, I am not sure I know of any blogger that do not over think things. It is what we do. We analyze our topic and write about it.

I would like to think that I get this trait from my father. He over thinks a lot. He does not know this but, as a teenager when he was dealing with his divorce, I used to watch him sit at the table and watch him think. I could see the wheels turning! I would also watch the times when he was alone in the backyard, after he vacuumed the pool. My father would sit on the deck, put his feet in the water and crack open a beer. He would sit there for hours…just thinking.

Maybe I did get this sense to really think before I take an important action. It is not like I am not impulsive because I certainly can be. What I have come to find is that I do not like to make rash decisions. I have witnessed many people make rash decisions based on very little fact and that is something I do not want to do. I have been called indecisive and I think that is probably true, but I would rather make the best decision as possible. Let me point out that not making a decision counts as making one (am I making sense?).

Am I overthinking the subject on overthinking? Of course! This blog has been my forum that allows me to do this. While my friend wasn’t saying this to put me down, I wanted to remind him that the blog has been born from my ability to over think everything. It keeps me grounded, other wise I may just erupt with emotion without something to express myself.
divorce, love, mother, my dad, solitude, vindictive

The Precipice of Solitude

I have been thinking about ways to write this blog all weekend. I found a need to say so many things and I am not sure how they will come out but I am just going to let it all come out today. What really has me going is something that I have said for a few weeks now, everyone I know seems to be going through something. I realize that we all deal with adversity in our own ways. But, for the most part, it is hard to deal with pain and broken dreams.

I have dealt with my own issues the best way I can, which is looking inwardly for all the answers in my life. There has been a time where I have actually prayed for guidance and strength because sometimes my thoughts betray me. I am not going to say that how I am going through things is the way everyone should, but one thing I will say is that no one should let their pain rule them. I seen too many instances where people have let their pain beat them. I am one of those people who refuse to let that happen to me…but I admit, it is a struggle.

Pain can make our thoughts go sour…and depending on the person, they want nothing more than to share their misery with the person who created that pain. I completely understand this reaction but it isn’t the right one. I have witnessed instances where someone can become very vindictive because of another person’s deceit. The problem is that you cannot battle deceit with vindictiveness because no one wins. Karma dictates that what comes around goes around. We can never force this. If anyone of us were to be vindictive to another person we may find ourselves at the end of karma.

Which brings me to my example. Many people want to know why my mother and I have not had the best relationship. As I once again stand at the precipice of solitude, I look at my past in order to see where my future may lead. One of the things that I did not want was for my marriage to lead to divorce because I lived through the very painful and damaging divorce of my parents. My mother left my father when I was in grammar school and the divorce was not finalized until college. Here is where I realized being vindictive does not work.

My mother was not happy with my father and wanted to make sure he paid for their failed 14 year marriage. When she moved out she took me with her. The nomadic period of my life began here, where we moved 3 times in 5 years. When I was 16 I had to make a difficult choice of which parent to live with. I chose my dad, not because I didn’t love my mother, but because I wanted to become a man. My social awkwardness up to that point in my life was not working for me. I didn’t know how to speak to a girl much less have the chance to hang out and meet one.

Clearly this upset her and a messy divorce ensued. As a result of my decision to choose my father, my mom disowned me. She took me out for dinner one night at Willie’s Steakhouse and told me that I am no longer her son. Thus my first break up from a woman, the one that seems to haunt all of my relationships. This is where I link my issues abandonment. This is where I feel that every woman I fall in love with will eventually leave me because if my mother can do it, what is going to stop anyone else? Trust me, it has happened 4 times so far…

Her vindictiveness also lead her down the path of making my father pay. As you know, women are entitled to half of a man’s assets, so she wanted half the house, which forced my father to take a loan for 90k. When the time came, he asked her to pay half tuition. She said no..and he took her to court and made her pay half of all my tuition. At one point we talked and she cried to me saying that my father was being unfair and taking all her money…but I was reminded of the Lexus that she drives (and still does…it is a pretty hot car too).

My relationship with my mother has been very shaky for years. We have made attempts to repair this relationship on many occasions. Every time I experience a break up, I am forced to think about her. I wonder if I had a healthy relationship with her if I would be where I am now. Maybe there is a part of me that inherently does not trust a woman for some reason because I know I will give them a reason to leave.

My point is being vindictive solves nothing. You end up hurting yourself more. The best way to “get back” someone is to be the best person you can be. I know that sounds kind of spiritual but it is what it is. For anyone who is done wrong, eventually things will look brighter. Turning the other cheek against those who have wrong you will be the best thing you can do. It will be easier to move on and live your life.
ceviche, disney, Facebook, Florida, my dad, vacation

Tid Bit Tuesday

Finally Home!

After a 20+ hour drive, I am back from Florida. I had a great time. I didn’t do much, but that is the point right? I was able to chill out with the folks and talk. I feel bad because the stash of Bud Light Lime is gone. I am not sure how many of those I had. Overall, I had plenty of time to myself, which is what I wanted.

The ride back was better then the ride going. We completely bypassed New York and New Jersey. Of course, I am home now and I am pretty bored…already.

10 Things I Learned on My Trip..

  1. It rains EVERYDAY in Central Florida! Sure the Sun comes out, but you better head inside by 3pm.
  2. We, as in New Yorkers, cannot complain about rain. The size of these drops will keep you wet for hours. Trust me my sandals are not the same (squish)
  3. Running 4 miles is not happening after 9am. It is way too hot. Wasn’t trying to die.
  4. People from Virgina cannot drive…if you don’t believe me drive that portion of I95
  5. Pennsylvania has construction for no reason. They tare up the roads just to piss people off. The same project from last year…is still being worked on.
  6. North Carolina is a HUGE state…I am still dreaming about driving through it.
  7. Disney World has the best customer service period…hands down.
  8. You cannot drive that far without a GPS system. That thing (a Tom Tom) was great!
  9. I could live on Ceviche…I may have to blog about that.
  10. I discovered that I am down a pants size…(all that running)
I Got Darker

One thing I wanted to make sure was that there was some visible proof that I went to Florida. Sure, I can take pictures and show them around, but nothing says vacation like black skin! There was a point last week when I told myself I need to just sit outside and just cook. My dad has a nice pool behind the house that is screen in (damn those insects). I sat out there when it wasn’t raining and read my book.

Now, there maybe…some pictures that might get out, that perhaps my father in his infinate wisdom, will post on his Facebook. Yes, the man has Facebook. So does my step mother. I gave a Facebook 101 class the first night I was there. In either case, I will let you know.

I think there is video too…
forgiveness, love, my dad, my life

Forgive Yourself First

I am currently on the road back to Syracuse and I know that it has been a few days since my last post. I wanted to write something. I originally was going to write about Disney but I will save that for later in the week. As usual, the urge to write something else has hit me. Let me start by asking you to forgive any typos since I am writing this entry from my phone.

Funny that I am asking forgiveness when this the subject on my mind. One thing I have noticed over my trip when talking to family is that someone is always upset or mad at someone else within the family for a whatever reason. Not matter how stupid or serious the reason it always seems to be a reason that causes angst. Of course if you love someone and they do something that hurts you it will always be difficult to deal with. Family will always be the first to hurt us.

Looking at it from a view of a friendship or relationship, depending how deep it is, the pain of someone hurting us can be just as great or even greater especially if love is involved. Most of the time the reaction to being hurt is the same. We deal with it and move on. However there are those times when we cannot deal and a relationship needs to end because of it. We find it hard to forgive another person.

Forgiveness is the hardest part of love. It is hard to let go of someones wrong doing. More importantly, it is hard to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in the situation in the first place. Let’s not forget that we can also be the ones that hurt other people. So in either case, forgiveness is hard to come by because we tend to be hard on ourselves. I cannot begin to say how much I blame myself for the things that have gone wrong in my life. But eventually, I need to move on and forgive myself because on the end I have to look in the mirror.

More importantly, by forgiving myself, I can forgive others. I can let go of all the negatives and mistakes of the past. This is the best way to love. We all know people make mistakes and we all know that there are some evil people as well. None of that matters. It takes too much energy to hate someone. The stress and angst of being angry is not good for us. It is all part of letting go.

I worry about several people in my life. They lack the ability to let go. My father is one of these people. For as much good as he has done for me, he has so much pent up anger for relatives and people in general who have done him wrong. Nice people tend to get taken advantage of and it is a sad part of life, but we can turn that around by forgiving the fools who hurt us.

Florida, Michael Jackson, my dad, Steve McNair

Tid Bit Tuesday

Air McNair

I remember when I was in college. There were 2 black quarterbacks that were making serious moves on the football field. One was Donvan McNabb, and the other was Steve “Air” McNair. He was just that good. ESPN could not get enough of showing this kid throwing touchdown passes down the field. You could tell that he was a master of this craft.

I am sadden by his death. 36 years old??? That is just crazy to me. I feel that all these celebrity deaths are turning every blog I read (including this one) into a larger discussion about death and mortality. This is definitely to reflect on our positions in life. I am quite sure things will get better.

R.I.P Steve…

MJ Tribute

Work got in the way. Maybe that is just an excuse. I could be out there right looking at this. I decided to stand back and not do it. I am hoping that CNN replays this. Just looking at all the Twitter updates suggest that this memorial if far better than any thing BET can conjure up. I am just not ready to say good bye yet. I still have so many songs in my head.

I have already started my quest in getting all the songs I need to get to create my ultimate Michael Jackson play list. I noticed that the older the song, the more powerful the song is. I am just still amazed how relevant his songs are in my life. I truly understand when people have said that MJ provided the soundtrack for their lives. I think that he is still providing the soundtrack for mine.

I still maintain that the songs he left for his kids will all be smash hits. They will pay for their education. We will all benefit from hearing him on the radio again. CNN is replaying the trubute at 7pm…

Florida

My trip to Florida is almost upon me. I cannot wait to hit the road. People think that I am crazy for driving down there, but I am ok with that. I love to drive so, I will not worry about it. Driving really puts me at ease and it makes me not think about much of anything. I am also an expert at making play lists, so I will have plenty of music to entertain me. If all else fails, then I have satellite radio.

This will be the first time I will have seen my father since May. So, I will get to have great food because the man can cook. I do intend to keep up this blog both on the road and in Florida. Disney is in my future, so I hope I get to have some fun there. I will just say that the plan is for me to relax. I do have the following week off as well, but I will spending that time at home.

One more thing. My father has a killer Salsa music collection. I fully intend on copying as many CDs as possible…
Internet, my dad, New York

Dad’s Big Day Tomorrow

Well I am back in the Bronx. My drive takes me about 4 hours depending on the traffic. I picked a perfect day to drive. Clear skies all the way. I think that was a sign of a good week to come.

Of course tomorrow is the Big Day for my Dad. I had to call him last night to get all the times correctly. I laughed because I spoke to him twice. Once in the morning, where he tells me his version of the time line, and again at night with on a 3 way call with my future step mother. In the 3 way call the timeline is totally different. Which is not a surprise to me because I know who is in charge now.

Needless to say, I need to get my ass up early tomorrow. As if i am going to work. I have to be at my aunts house at 8am (she lives in Mount Vernon) and from there we will travel to downtown Manhattan to what was originally City Hall. Now we are going somewhere a few blocks away. My step mother has a friend who is a judge, so instead of the long line and wait over in City Hall, we will do it at this person’s apt.After that we are doing lunch. It should be pretty fun. The weather looks like it will be beautiful.

I mentioned on Twitter and on Facbook that my brother decided to cut my stay at his place short. Here is how it went…He calls me to make sure that I am still coming (he did this yesterday). In this conversation he tells me he wants to discuss the length of may stay. He feels it should be shorter. Apparently, Justin has finals and will be distracted by my presence. My nephew is 10…what school gives finals to 10 year old??? So clearly I am out of a place after Tuesday.

My dad is staying with my aunt in Mount Vernon (10 minutes away). So I made arrangements with her. Funny, I could have stayed with her before but I figured that she didn’t have Internet and I am spoiled…lol. Come to find out that she indeed does have a computer with a modem. I made a joke to my father about how it is not wireless…and he tells me that we need to fix that because my step mom cant use her laptop. So this week, we get to upgrade my aunt with a wireless router. I am so bad…

My nephew mentioned to me that he has a baseball game at 5. So, I guess I am booked for that. I am also amazed at all the clothes I was able to pack. You would think that I am not coming back…lol

Trust me…I am. I do have a job.

9/11, mother, my dad, my life, New York

Prepping for New York

I am ready to just get out of here. I was in NYC in March for the Big East Tournament and I had a very good time. Since then, it has been a bumpy ride. Stresses of work and personal life had lead me to this point.

As usual, I have so much to do in such little time. I am spending 9 days in the city. While that sounds like a lot, it really isn’t. With all the friends who want to hang out and all the family I need to see, those 9 days will probably fly by. So, I have some highlights of things I would like to do. I would like to get all things done, but we will see.

  • I would love to go to Citifield to catch a Met game. They are playing 6 times within the time I am there. I would like to go to one game. I am not sure how much it will cost me yet and I am afraid to look right now.
  • I wanted so see a movie in IMAX, but I just found out that Star Trek will not be playing when I get down there. I guess I could try Terminator: Salvation.
  • I have not been to the South Street Seaport since 9/11. I would like to see how it looks. I have always liked the view from there.
  • I was invited to lunch at Chinatown! Here is another place I have not been too since that long walk on 9/11. I have never eaten there either. So I think I will have fun doing that.
  • Every Year around Memorial day there is Stickball Tournament in the Bronx. This year they are recognizing my father for being one of the founders of the league. I cannot wait to see how it is they will recognize him.
  • I will actually go see my mother. She kind of convinced me to see her in our last conversation, so we will see how that goes.

I am pretty excited about coming down. I know that list is a short one and I plan on expanding it the more I think about it.

cancer, happy birthday, my dad, the bronx

Happy Birthday!

Sixty Nine years ago today a boy was born in New York City. His mother from Puerto Rico and his father from Ecuador. He grow up in the Bronx with 2 sisters. He had a a hard childhood which he had to endure a strict mother and an abusive alcoholic father. His survived the streets of the Bronx. His name was Arthur.

Because options were limited he had to join the Navy. Lucky enough it was not during a time of war. He served many years. After active duty he returned to New York with a trade. Got a job with Con Edison and the married for the second time. In 1974 he bore a son.

That man is my father. The one who taught me most of what I know now. During and after a very difficult divorce, we was able to guide me through High School and College. Always telling me that I owe him nothing because, after all he was doing his job as a father.

I felt the closest to him when I had a terrible break up with an ex girlfriend. I was the first time I really felt that him and I had a shared experience. He knew what I was going through. He empathized with me. It was the first time that I actually cried because he comforted me.

Since then, I stopped being the kid who rebelled against his parents. I wanted to be the kid that parents talk to their friends about. I think for the most part I was. I believe I was there for him when he was diagnosed with Cancer, due to the work he did for Con Edison.

He has survived that and continues to survive the brutal weather of Sunny Deltona, Florida. Happy Birthday Papi. I love you.
Crack, my dad

Crack and other things.

It has been a long day! Spring Break is in 2 weeks and I cannot wait. I took that week off and I plan to just relax. Maybe then I will have better topics to discuss. There is an app on the iPhone & iTouch called Urbanspoon. This is one of those apps that helps you decide on what to eat if you are having issues deciding. With a shake of the device the choice is made as if you just pulled the lever of a slot machine. I find this to be very clever and it has helped us decide what to eat on any occasion.

They need to make one for blogs! I wish I had one when it comes to choosing a topic to write about. I would call it Blogspoon. I can shake my device and there be a spin of all the topics I can talk about. This way I don’t have to worry about what to talk about. Better yet, I would not have to write about the fact that I have nothing to blog about!

I will say though that I am jealous. My father is in Costa Rica right now. Every so often he will just pack up and go some where. He is retired and is taking his fiance (yes he is getting married) to Costa Rica. Oh…but they are not alone. They are going with her son and his wife. So why am I jealous? He is having fun right? I am jealous because no one asked me! I could have easily take this week off!

Let me also inform you of something evil. I am so very much addicted to Milk Chocolate Strawberries by Harry and David. I am so addicted. It makes me think about the many things that I feel are made with a little known substance called CRACK. This is highly addictive substances that is featured in movies like New Jack City and Jungle Fever.

So, with that said, I think that IHOP makes their pancakes with Crack. McDonald’s Fries are clearly Crack. Mint Double Stuffed Oreo are Crack! Mint Chocolate Girl Scout Cookies are clearly Crack. All of these things are so not good for me…but I eat them.

Brook…This is truly a Random Thursday.

gadgets, iPhone, my dad, my life

Gadget Freak

I have mentioned that my father was a gadget freak. He is the type of person that just needs to have new things all the time. So for example, he has a desktop computer with a printer/scanner/fax. Not sure who he is faxing though. Then he has this machine that can convert vinyl records into MP3s. I wont mention the fact that he does not have an i-pod…yet.

His love for gadgets is something has been transferred to me. I look around my house and I can see the laptop I am writing this blog, the wireless printer that it is connected to, the Wii that my wife plays so much, the iPhone that I just today purchased…

I never thought that I would get an iPhone much less another ipod. The love for electronics and gadgets is clearly deep rooted! I mean it is not just for luxury purposes. I think about the type of stove I have or the washer and dryer. So the need for just new shit can be consuming. Clearly I am making fun of myself here, but i wonder what it is about shiny new gadgets that we have to get.