my life – Page 25 – Anthony Otero

Be Thankful

I feel like as I grow older I get more sentimental about life. I wonder if that is just the nature of getting older. Is it that, at this point in my life, I have things to look back on and wonder if I could have done things better? Perhaps I should be thankful that things are not as bad as they could be. But, seeing how the holiday season has arrived, my thoughts are always focused toward reflection.

This week has been so very interesting in both breadth and scope. I have often talked about me being on the precipice of something great but I have not been able to take that leap of faith. There always seems to be that one thing that keeps popping up that I need to take care of before I can continue on my journey. That thing is never the same thing, it is always that one thing that blocks my path; another obstacle that stands in the way.

However, it is those obstacles that keep me humble in who I am as a man. I am thankful for all those people in my life that I never seem to say thank you to. The people who constantly check up on me to make sure that I am doing ok or that I am even still alive. I know that there are many people in this world that are not blessed with the amount of people who seem to care.

I am so thankful for being able to get through this particular year with roommates that have been able to pay rent and while that may sound a little funny, I have had to use that money to repair many things around the house that seemed to malfunctioned or just straight broken down. I think someone in heaven is looking out for me because had I not had those people living with me, I am not sure I would have been able to survive last month alone.

As I sit here and type this I can say that right now I am generally scared. I am not sure what to do at this point in my life. Well, that is not entirely true, I do know what to do, I am just afraid that I will fail. Sarah Lawrence College has such a beautiful campus. I was so amazed about how there are so many places within that college that would enable me to get my work done. It just makes think about what will happen if I get in…but then what if I don’t. Either way, I have to just be thankful that I even have that opportunity to apply.

Somewhere through this I have been listening to Kanye West’s Album all week, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and I have become so addicted to it. The beats, the lyrics, the vibe, has been so trance like for me that, during this time of reflection, it make me think about my goals and more importantly, the fact that the only person who is going to take care of me is me.

“Lost in the World” – Kanye West

Then there is my love life, a subject I rarely talk about because it is a complicated as…well as complicated as women. I guess I should be grateful for what is and what is not happening in this portion of my life. I do feel that everything happens for a reason. I know that there are people in this world who are utterly alone with no sign of comfort or human touch. I am thankful that I have not gotten to the point of bitterness toward the world. I have come to notice that unhappy people in this world tend to be people who have no one to love them. It is at this point that I want to say that I am very thankful for my dog, Rocky, for showing me what unconditional love means (I thank my dad too…but I talk about him all the time…lol).

I also want to be thankful for those people who wish me to fail and not succeed. Those people who think I am worthless and those who have held me back over the years. They have provided endless amounts of motivation for me. I do know my shortcomings, but I also know that I can do anything I put my mind to. It is these people in my life that end up feeding into my fears as well adding fuel to my fire. People who will anonymously comment on a certain blog post to bring up a long dead issue from the past that will ultimately give me more motivation to be a better man. Thank you.

Thanksgiving to me is not just about the food or the family, it is about reflection. It is about all things that I should be thinking about before Christmas. I remember going through this last year, in which it seemed that just about every post I did in December was one of reflection. I have to chuckle because I am not sure I have just limited that reflection to just the winter time.

Most of all, I want to thank all of you for reading this blog. I was never sure where I was going with this sight. I wanted it to be solely about about my soul. I think you have seen me at my highest and at my lowest. While I have been on the straight and narrow with my writings, I know that there is a side of this Gemini heart that you have not seen. Perhaps I am not comfortable in sharing it with the world because quite frankly some of the things that I write scare me. In either case, I am grateful for the comments I get on my Facebook page. It is good to interact. I do not call anyone a fan, I would rather call you a reader. Thank you.

In the end…I want to thank that one person who manages to make me smile everyday.

book club, comic books, my life

Reading is the Truth

When things started to go south for me and I started seeking out roommates, I began to cut expenses. I had to stop buying things that were not essential to life. So what that really meant was I needed to stop buying comic books. The funny thing was that I had every intention on continuing with this expensive hobby because it was the only hobby I had. I could enjoy reading whatever story was going on and still feel in many ways, like a little kid. At this point I had already stopped buying video games.

The choice to stop buying comic books was not entirely my own. I had been going faithfully to this shop over in the Carousel Mall. I personally called it CBS (comic book store) because the real name was just way too long. I was a regular customer to the point in which they would pull out weekly comic titles for me every week. I would come in when I can and buy what was saved for me. It was a pretty sweet deal actually. I rarely missed any titles and it worked out well.

As it came closer for me to go to the Dominican Republic, I went less and less to CBS because I had to save money. I rarely bought everything they saved for me all at once. I would buy what I could then put the rest back on reservation. Apparently they started a policy that if customers did not pick up books within a certain time period, the comics would go back on the shelf for anyone to buy. The exception to this rule was that if you informed them that you planned to pick the books by a certain time then they would save them.

I informed the people at the store that I was going away and once I return I will clear the box. So when I returned from the Dominican Republic, I went over to CBS (on my birthday) and asked for my reservations. I was told that they were gone. I was shocked. I told the guy, that I normally speak to, that I did in fact inform the store that I was out of the country. Then he informed me that the store owner made a new policy, that was not known to me, that 30 days was the limit and there were no exceptions. I stood there shocked. He told me that I can start another subscription service, perhaps have them mailed to me (which is unacceptable because sometimes the mail looks like shit on a rainy day).

So, my reaction? I walked out. I simply left. I felt like a huge weight was lifted. Something in the back of my head told me that this was a blessing. I haven’t stepped into that store since then…

…but recently, I have missed that feeling of escape that comic books provided me. I have not had the urge nor the desire to buy comics at all. I mean, I have been buying a lot of DVD movies based on comic books, but that is different and cost me much less. I started thinking about reading books more, but I did not know where to start. I did join Goodreads, but that was to catalog what I have already read and see what other people were saying about books they have read.

Then, as if the thought were in the back of my mind but yet verbalized by another person, I was asked if I wanted a part in creating a book club with some friends. The thought of that was so very exciting me. I will admit that I would be the first to make fun of anyone to join a book club by saying that either they are old or have no life, but the thought was appealing because I missed reading so much. I have to admit that being in a book club has been one of the better decisions I have made in a long time. To think that I can shut the TV off and just lose myself in a good book in this day and age is awesome. I will tell you that my twitter account has suffered because of it and I am ok with that.

At this point we are on our second book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and it has been a thrill ride for me. This book is almost 600 pages and I have read so much that I cannot imagine me stopping anytime soon. This book is so much better than the first book we started with, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. However, I think that I will be able to step out of my comfort zone and read things that I never thought I would have before.

I will also say, the best way to really learn is to look up words that appear in novels that you have never heard before. Best way to beat anyone in Scrabble…lol

dating, girlfriend, my life, women

Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?

I wasnt sure that I wanted to write about this but it is something that has just been on my mind. The other day, a student asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I did laugh when I heard this question. I havent really thought about it all that much. I know that I am single, but I never thought about posing that question to myself.

The funny thing is that I never answered the question. She just looked at me as I was just laughing. I told her that I did not have an answer and she said…”because you think women are crazy.” More hilarity in my opinion because that is something that I had said before. In most cases, the women I tell this to, all agree with me. However, this question did make me think about my solidarity.

I do not toot my own horn because I have made it very clear on this blog that I am not perfect. I have made mistakes that I am still paying for (perhaps this plays into why I do not have a woman). It was pointed out to me that I am a funny guy who is caring and can be sweet, so I guess there is a lack of understanding as to how I remain single. Of course, I can be an asshole too, but so can any guy I suppose. I just know that I am sarcastic when I have to be and yet things I point out can make anyone laugh…plus, I am not bad looking either! 🙂

Again, thinking about how humorous this conversation was, not because of the question itself – which was a small snippet of a larger conversation, I decided just to tweet this question. Well, it turns out that there are other people wondering the same thing. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I can almost hear it coming out of a random person as if it was another way of saying, “What is wrong with you?” haha

Well, only a few people know me well enough to figure out the answer to this question. I can say that right now, I am not sure I am where I want to be in my life. I get some of the best advice in life from my father, who tells me to just sit and observe. So that is what I am doing, watching women and how they react to me and to certain situations. I should not have to feel that I am in a rush to find someone but, I will say that after the havoc I have caused in my own life, I do not need more drama in my existing life.

I love women and I respect them. But, if do go out there and start looking, it has to be on my own terms and I gotta tell you, I have plenty of terms. To be quite honest, I have to really know what I want. Do not get me wrong, I am not looking for wife number 2 either, but I am gun shy and very cautious about things. I wont say it is due to lack of trust, just that uneasiness of not knowing.

However, there are negative things that also pop into my mind when it come to my future. I find myself being very happy for those who find love, especially those who I hold in high regard. I think everyone needs a shot at it. I just cringe when I see those, all too happy, pictures on Facebook with all smiles because it makes me wonder if I will ever get there. Sometimes I am not so sure. Life has a way of throwing curve balls that look really good, but then just drop out of sight without warning.

I think I have also graduated from the point of getting a jumpoff or having a random fling. While I will admit that this has occurred in the past, it is not who I am. My father comments on the amazing amount of restrain and patience that I have, but I think much of it is that I know that meaningless flings are a way of covering up a fear that resides in all single men. The fear of being alone is something that is very real amongst men that only gets worse as we get older. Some of us have it worse than others. Some of us have it bad enough that it will force us to settle.

Bottom line is that I choose to not have a girlfriend. Quite honestly, getting one is not as easy as people make it seem anyway, but that choice is all mine. I wont say that I do not have people in my life that I am not willing to date because I do, but right now fate seems to be against me.

my life, racism

I Love It When I Get Profiled

Last night was a pretty good night. I spent my evening at the Mu Sigma Upsilon R.A.C.E. banquet. I had some pretty decent food. I laughed with some students. Spent time with a few people I haven’t seen in quite a while. Saw Bobby Gonzalez speak. He has a great message which was, know your history and understand your culture. That, along with the theme of the banquet, was simply promoting racial harmony. All was going great. I decided to call it a night because I wasn’t sure I wanted to really go out.

I drove some of my favorite students to a party and I went home. One of my roommates, was walking out as I pulled up and he started telling me that he is about to get picked by a mutual colleague to have some drinks. Well, I am already dressed and I thought about it for a minute. Sure, I will go since I was asked for the second time that night.

To be quite honest, Syracuse is a very small city. So, the chances of running into my ex-wife with her date this night was highly likely. She was at the same banquet I was at, so I thought her going out for drinks was a good possibility. However, I followed my instinct and decided to hang out with some friends.

We hit Al’s Wine & Whiskey Lounge. This place is not bad at all. Drinks are priced correctly and the atmosphere is comfortable. The funny thing is that there are four of us. All professional men of color. We originally wanted to try this new place called Bittersweet Wine Bar & Desserts that just opened up. We joke about that there is no place in Syracuse for people like us. So when we get to Bittersweet, we don’t even walk in…all white people when we looked inside. We laughed about it when we get to Al’s, but understandably, the atmosphere was not what we were looking for. All of us would stick out like four sore thumbs. At least Al’s had other black people in there.

Three rounds later and we decided to just go. The night was not what we expected, although all the jokes we told were hysterical, we headed toward Nick’e Tomato Pie. This place is always the best place to end a night of drinking. Good Pizza and enough space to sit down, talk, and people watch.

This is what we did: People Watch. We joked and watched a group of drunk white women who were there celebrating a bachlorette party ( I assumed that they needed pizza to soak up the liquor). How crazy and funny they were, talking about large penises and all the things they would like to do. The word of the night was “lumberjacking”. We just had to look this up on urban dictionary. It seems those women knew what that word was and when they left one of them made sure to tell us they were all very good looking.

I would say we spent a good amount of time there having a great time. Then, it happened, a police officer walked in. Let’s keep this fair, there were a good amount of people in this place; mostly white people. We sat at a table. Just the four of us. There is nothing hood or ghetto fabulous about our look. So imagine how annoyed we were when the this officer walks in and just goes to our table. He asks, “Any one of you named, Mike?” After our response, which was “no”, he walked away. That was it. He did not ask anyone else….or any white people. So the question of the night was… “How many degrees do we need to have?”

Yes, it was just a question. But clearly he was looking for something to only ask us. We are the best dressed guys in the entire place. We look like we are not paying attention to anyone but ourselves…but I guess we still look like “Mike”. I guess whomever he was looking for only has a description of a black male that may or may not have glasses and can be any shade of darkness. It does not matter that we all work for Syracuse University since we must have the genetic make up that allows us to be suspects in whatever way they may be looking for. So, no, it does not matter if we have a bachelor’s, master’s or doctorate degree.

But, I forgot. We have a black president, so that means that we defeated Racism. We are above all of that. The jokes about how we cannot find a place in Syracuse for us to feel comfortable was made all too real when a man with a badge and a gun can make four educated black men seem like they are nothing but suspects.

my life, my passion, writing

Passionate Dreamer

At this moment, I do not want to get to a point where I have nothing to talk about so I will just write about what is currently on my mind and see where it takes me. To be honest, this blog is titled “Inside My Head” and it would be nice if I actually did that from time to time.

I am such an emotional person that sometimes, it is hard to focus on certain subjects. Right now, I feel a certain way about the type of work I do. I am passionate about students and that is one reason why I have stayed where I am. The passion for this runs so deep that I find myself getting infuriated by those who do not share a certain amount of passion for the education of students. While I am not on the academic side yet, I do feel that student affairs provides students with education outside the classroom.

I feel that this type of work is very rewarding and I feel that I have sacrificed large amounts of my life for students. It comes with the territory and that does not bother me. However, I believe a great deal of that sacrifice was part of ending my marriage. It becomes difficult to work with people who forget why we work at a University.

I have also been struggling with several poems that I have swirling in my head right now. I have written five unfinished poems that are just staring at me from my notebook. They are all about love, of course. Although, one of them seems to be about the absence of love.

I am trying to figure out why I am struggling with this. I know that there are things that I am dealing with personally that I will equate to a chess game. Each move I make is to set up the next move and it must be planned with such precision that the wrong move could lead to the wrong kind of checkmate. The funny thing about this is that I am not all that great at chess, although I do know how to play.

I also have this growing fear in the back of my heart. I am trying to do so many things that failing is becoming less of an option. The job market is so bad that I have been turned off by it. I have to fight myself just to apply for a job. Which is why school is looking so good to me. I am not afraid of school nor the work. I have a small fear that I may not get in, but I think jitters like that are normal. I am just thinking about the next move.

Leaving Syracuse will be harder than leaving NYC because I will be leaving a career that I have enjoyed but, I think that now it is the time to chase a dream. I will have to, once again, go out on a limb and do this. I have learned so much this year about myself and what I will do to make myself happy, which also means taking risks. So, with the end of this year coming I will be taking one of possibly many leaps of faith in hopes that I will be rewarded in the end.

Masters Degree, my life, writing

The Future

I need to use this blog as a sounding board. I know that I have talked about what my future career goals in the past and I have always said that I wanted to get a Master’s degree. When thinking about this in the past I have though about what made sense.

I first thought, years ago, that the best route for me was a Master’s in Business Administration. At the time it made sense. I wanted to pave the way for me being a VP of some college and I felt that this route would round me out as a professional. I would be able to understand the world from a business sense. I went so far as to take a graduate level Economics course. Through this class, I realized once again how much I hate the corporate world and math. It was a hard class that I took with my busy work schedule and I still passed with a hard earned B+.

I knew this was something that I did not want to do. So I had to rethink my strategy and think about what it is I really want to do. That is when I started thinking about Higher Education. I know from experience that this particular field does not have many people of color. I am one of few Latinos in any capacity in administration at Syracuse University.

There is a particular area of study that SU has that is very similar to Higher Education called Cultural Foundations of Education. I find this area to be very enlightening. I loved the two course that I took so much that I was able to get A’s in both. I opened myself to a new world in which lead me to create this blog in the first place. However, I felt like there was something was missing. I knew that there was this feeling growing inside of me that makes me not want to stay here, particular after the break up of my marriage.

I knew then, as I know now, that I am done with the Syracuse point of view on things. I know that I need to move on to other places in order to truly be rounded out. So, I have been on this job search for more than a year without any real bites. To be honest, most places are looking for a Master’s degree and I not willing to stay here and pursue that. So that leaves me with finding a job and then go to grad school part time or just cash in all my chips and go back to school full time.

During my job search, I came across a small school in Bronxville, NY called Sarah Lawrence. I have had a few people tell me how awesome this school is because they have Master’s courses in Writing. I applied for a job that I did not hear back from and I just kept this school in the back of my mind…until about 3 weeks ago when I was walking through a graduate school fair that I was working. A lady from Sarah Lawrence College was there and we started talking.

She talked about how great the school was and how I really need to think about attending an open house to see the campus. I filled out a card and took some paperwork on the school. I read it when I got home and really started to ponder if this was something that not only could I do, but is this what I really wanted. I have to admit I feel that my writing is missing something that I cannot quite put my finger on. Maybe, I needed formal training from people who have done what I aspire to do.

I put this thought on the back burner because I had a LBC Challenge to write, I had Homecoming at SU to work, and I had a speech to give. Friday, I finally get the official Sarah Lawrence packet in the mail. I opened it with such excitement. There was a letter addressed to me and all this information on how to apply. More importantly, the open house is November 11th. Ugh, it is a Thursday, which is going to be an issue. So I put it down because I figured that I will just get back to it eventually.

This weekend was when all thoughts came into my head that I just need to write down because I do not want to forget this. A Masters in Writing could mean that I can still be in Higher Education. I could teach a writing courses, perhaps at another university or college! I had even thought about how I could teach Blog Writing and have classes just on how to communicate one’s feelings and put them on a blank slate. Perhaps I could teach a course on Cultural Writing on how one can express culture through writing…

I thought about this and I had to just stop and look around. What if this is what I was meant to do? What if this what I have been looking for? It just feels so right to me. I would still do the public speaking thing, the blog writing, the poetry, and the short stories, but to totally submerge myself into writing and help students realize that this is something that they could do is just priceless.

I just need to apply. Now.

my life

On the Cusp

Someone told me that they can imagine me not writing another blog for awhile since the LBC Challenge. I have to admit she was right in the sense that I needed to take some days off from writing. Now that those days are now behind me, I have to just write some reflections.

First let me say that nothing makes a month go by slower than to count each day. When I was writing each entry of the LBC Challenge, I felt like each day was going by slower than the last. I loved writing like that every day, it showed me that I can layout subjects in advance, no matter how difficult, and still accomplish the task at hand. I really wish I had this type of motivation in college.

I really enjoyed my time in Utica, even though it was only for a few hours. I am so glad I had decided to write that speech instead of just “winging it”. The speech was supposed to for twenty minutes and I will be completely surprised if I was up there for that long. I didn’t want to drag and be boring to a bunch of college kids that ultimately just want to eat and dance.

I am glad that I injected some humor into it. The audience laughed when they needed to, which is always a good sign that they are following what is being said. I started to feel that while, I wrote this speech before hand, I was more talking to them rather than talking at them. The feeling is so very empowering when you begin to realize that people are really listening to something that you created.

Which brings me to my poetry. There was a reason why I added a poem to the ending of my speech. I wanted to see if I could do it. If i can read my poem in the way in was intended to be heard. I wanted to absolutely be sure that if I go down this road of public speaking, I need to be confident in all facets of my writing. Once I was done, a wave of confidence came over me as I walked back to my seat. I knew then that I could go on the road with my own creations and spit them out, because after all, they are my poems and I cannot worry if people will think they are good or not.

I think about the type of month that I have had up to this point. Several things have happened that has challenged me, my thought process, and my faith. First, my mother sent me a letter with a prayer card and a religious medal. I thought about how crazy it was to get it especially before my blog post on religion. No, she didn’t not know about my blog or anything I write, so I was just taken back by this. I wont even mention the amount of dreams I have had during this past month that has made me think about the journey that I am currently on.

Then there is the fact that I feel that I have been hustling so much to get extra money to get myself in a good position to make the move I want to make. However, every time I get to that place where I feel so very comfortable…something breaks. The furnace broke in the beginning of the month and the refrigerator broke last week. These are the things that frustrate me because it does not help in my goal to get ahead. However, I am getting a third roommate. So this will indeed help my cause. (yes, I got both things fixed)

I haven’t even mentioned that I still wrote this challenge during the busiest time of my life with SU Homecoming being so busy. In fact, I had been working since 8:30am the day of the speech. I had to run home after a reception at 4:30pm, take the quickest shower of my life, shave, iron my shirt, get dressed, leave the house, get gas, and then get cash before I can finally hit the road. The event was at 7pm. I was on the road by 5:45pm and the drive was an hour. Talk about cutting it close…lol

I am motivated. I am really getting tired of being here. I need to break out. I actually took the time to talk to someone from Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, NY. They were up here for a graduate school fair last month. I am thinking about a Masters Degree in Writing. I have also had an offer from a good friend to be my agent so he can help me get more speaking gigs. I just need a head shot and write a Bio.

I am on the cusp of living my dream. I just need to get there.

cooking. single life, my dad, My Goal, my life

Independently Single

When I started on the venture of living alone, I was not sure exactly what to expect. It was with a heavy heart and a almost naive sense that I thought that being single again and living alone would be hard. But, I realize as I head to my ninth year living in Syracuse that it is all mental.

The thing is I had lived alone before and it wasn’t all that hard. But, I was like 25 and I really didn’t know any better. I was living in a basement apartment in the soundview section of The Bronx and thought that it was the greatest point in my life. I had a job and I lived alone. I could come and go as I please and had no one to answer to. The funny thing is I barely remember what I did for food everyday before I started dating. I think I had take out many many nights. Quite simply, I didn’t care. I had like two bills: rent (which was all inclusive) and cable. That was it!

Fast forward a decade and things are so much different. Juggling finances can make anyone crazy with the mortgage, car note, cable/internet, insurance, credit cards and anyone else that I happen to owe money to. I had so much fear that I would not be able to deal with just life in general. I remember sitting in my office, alone, on the verge of tears thinking “how am I going to get out of this?” I thought life cannot be all this hard. Of course it wasn’t. When people say that we all need to take things one day at a time, that is so very true. That is why I feel like this year is going by slower than years past. I have had more time to think and contemplate life.

The funny thing is that being a single man is actually not all that hard. Once I figured myself out and all the things I like and do not like about myself, everything fell into place. It allowed me to set the goals that have gotten me to this point. What I am grateful for is all the things my dad taught me when I was in high school. He was also a single man living in a house and trying to get by. While it may not have seemed that I was not paying attention to him and all the things he did or cooked, I was taking everything in while have that nonchalant teenage attitude.

My dad was the one that taught me how to live life independently. He told me that I should never assume that I would be with any one woman for the rest of my life. How could I argue with that at the time? He was divorcing my mother who was his second wife. So there were lessons on how to clean clothes and cook for myself. He is a Navy man so everything had it’s place and unfortunately I never picked up his neatness.

It was my stepmother (whom my dad was dating by the time I graduated high school) that supplied me with the “women’s touch”on things. Again, it may have seemed that I may not have been paying attention but I was. Nuances like ironing a certain way and shopping for clothes that made sense was something I got from her. Sure this was a long time ago, but when I was in my twenties, I thought I knew everything I could know about life and myself.

While I discovered, after the break up of my first love, that my dad had been right about women and life in general, it isn’t until now that I am able to really fully understand everything. I am fully self sufficient. I do not need a woman to do anything for me. I always felt bad for guys in college who couldn’t do their own laundry. I always wondered how crippling it must be if they were to lose whatever appeal they had that allowed girls to wash their clothes for them.

I can cook anything I set my mind to…which my dad told me that once I start cooking for women that I will never truly be alone (he is so right about that). I laugh because he always had an issue with the way I clean and I will tell you that I hated to do it. Now, I have two roommates and it is all I do. The funny thing is, I do not mind this. I want things in my house cleaned the way I want it to be cleaned. I was just cleaning the stove today before I made some chuletas (pork chops…don’t judge) and I smiled thinking that at one time you could not pay me enough to do this.

Now, as I set my sights to the complete my final goal of getting out of Syracuse, I find that being a single man is not hard at all. I just need to enjoy my independence.

divorce, inception, love, my life, no regrets

Regret vs. Remorse

Don’t you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone! – Saito (Inception)

In my last post, I mentioned that I do not have any regret in my life. That is because everything that has happened has happened for a reason. I do not live in the past in order to find solace or answers because my life is what it is. I know that my experience have shaped me into who I am right now. The question that I got yesterday was…do I feel remorseful for all that has gone wrong? Well, yes I do. But, there is a difference between remorse and regret.

If I regretted anything then that would make it very hard to live for the moment and plan goals for the future the way I do. Remorse is more of feeling bad due to a sense of loss. Trust me, I lost a lot. I have lost a marriage and a certain way of life. That itself was so hard to deal with for such a long time but, all things get better with time. It is my opinion that regretting the end of my marriage would mean regretting getting being married.

I am a culmination of my experiences. A total of my decisions made and not made. I cannot think about “what ifs” because there is no point. Of course, there is the fantasizing of what could have been, but many times that may hinder life in the moment. Perhaps it is better to just believe there are millions of parallel earths where anything that could have happened does happen. Which means that the reality that we live in right now is the one we need to deal with.

I do not want to live a life of regret. That would just not be the way to go. We all have peaks and valleys in our experiences. A life without issues would frankly be boring. There is nothing to learn if we did not have stress to overcome. It is ok to remorseful for a loss of a love, a loss of a job, or a loss of a dog (I still think about Rusty and I still, to this day, cry just a little bit…). But regret? Where does that get me?

I love the fact that I have had the experience I have had. I have been in love so many times and have had my heart broken many times. I have lived through the horror of 9/11 first hand. I have survived rolling my car and totaling it. I have seen the beauty of a glorious sunset in places that are not in this country. I have pulled people from a car wreck. I have let people cry in my arms and I have cried in others. How can I regret living a life that allows me to express my emotion through writing?

I am not saying I do not have a heavy heart. I love hard. I just could never love right. I am trying to use every last bit of experience to do things the right way. So, I can love my family the right way, so I can love Rocky the right way, so I can love the next woman the right way, and maybe…just maybe..if I get lucky enough, I can love a child the right way.

See, I cannot regret my past. Everything and everyone has played a critical role in my life to get me where I am today. So that I can love myself and have the courage to go out and get what I want from life. So I do feel remorse for what was, but I cannot let that feeling own me because then that would lead to regret for what could have been.

I am not saying that I need to forget the past but I refuse to let it own me.

“I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.” – Cobb (Inception)

goals, my life, roommates

I Love it When a Plan Comes Together

Please cue up the 1980’s theme song to the A-Team. I have to tell you that I should treat my life as if it were an event. This way I can plan far ahead and situate all the details in such a way that when it comes down to it, all the pieces come together flawlessly.

Yesterday, the next stage in my plan to conquer my life has been set in motion. My 2nd roommate has arrived and is all moved in. I have already been paid and life is so good right now. I have been trying to get my life back on track financially and it has taken me longer than I has hoped. But, as I have come to learn this summer, things happen when they need to.

The best part about all this to me is the simple fact that both roommates are young adults. Which means they are young enough not to think that life sucks thus they are not stuck in this house and yet old enough to have a job which makes them appreciate a roof over their heads. I believe this works in my favor because I do not have to worry about things in terms of inconsiderate behavior, especially considering that they are both friends. Although, I need to be careful because I am such a night owl that I make wake both of them up with me just fumbling around.

Let me not forget that both of my roommates are like brainac level smart. Which is great when it comes to computer issues and nerdy conversations (which I am ALL about). One thing I did not need is having people that are not interesting live with me. I seemed to get all kinds of people when I posted on Craigslist. So, I am glad for the choices I made.

The plan is coming together. Phase one was to get the roommates in. Phase two is get this divorce final (damn New York State takes their time). Phase three is to get out of Syracuse and back to my hometown of New York City, which means either getting a job or going to grad school full time. Phase four is to get published (and this looks like this may happen sooner than expected).

Of course even the best laid plans do not always come to fruition which is why things seem to take longer for me. I equate it to writing and rewriting drafts. The first one doesn’t seem to come out well thus the second draft comes out better than the first. While I will admit that I may be in my first phase, this is just a small part of a larger plan to get my life to where I want it. In the beginning of the year, I was in a different mind state all together and with patience I am where I am now.

This is why I say that I do not regret my past. I have made choices for the good and the bad and no matter how things may have happened…I am who I am because it. To regret the past would be like regretting who I am as of this moment and I simple will not do that. So I keep my head pointing north and plan for the future.

P.S. I still live in the moment….