my life – Page 33 – Anthony Otero

Blogging, health, Masters Degree, my life

Tid Bit Tuesday

Latino Community

I tweeted about this last week and I am not sure people took me seriously, but I was supposed to go to a meeting at the Spanish Action League to meet with a Representative from Governor Patterson’s office. We were supposed to talk about the lack of job development for the Latino Community. My point is there is no jobs on the West Side of Syracuse because no wants to move their business there.

Well I drive down to La Liga and I find out the meeting had been canceled because the director broke her arm! Of course, the office assistant had no idea who I was and what meeting her Boss was supposed to have. Gas ain’t cheap, so I really was not happy about the wasted trip. I get home and I find out they were calling Josie to whole time saying the meeting was canceled…well done. Great Job!

Doc Appoinment

My doctor is very happy with me! First off, I lost 10 pounds. This is very good to me with all the running and exercises I am doing. I haven’t been eating all the junk I used to eat. He seemed happy that my little issue was indeed the coffee. I can tell from his expression that he really did not want to check my prostate! Trust me I was just as happy as he was.

He tells me that I am good for another 5 years. I do not need to see him until I am 40. Whoa…how scary is that. I am going to 40 in 5 years. Thanks for the reminder doc. Not only am I letting go of all my issues but I have to reminded that I will be 40 soon. In either case, he tells me that he may not even be around by then, he will probably be retired. That is ok, I do not plan to be in Syracuse by then.

Grad School

Speaking of future plans, I finally got the 3 letters of recommendation I need for Grad School. All I need to do now is my personal statement. I guess it will similar to the Bio I wrote recently. Although, this will have to be more my goals toward education and what I plan to do with it. From there I will need to truly know how long this journey is going to take me.

I have taken classes already so I know what to expect in terms of class load. But, that is when I took 1 class per semester. This time I plan on taking 2 per. So, that will be challenging in itself.

Layout!

I wont lie. I love this new layout. I know it seems a little grayish, but I think it symbolizes where I am right now. A little gray, but when I am ready I will add color to my life. Right now the only color is from the words that I write. I am ok with that. I do not need anything flashy.

divorce, letting go, my life, self redemption, Tyler Durden

Letting Go of Everything = Self Redemption

“Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend. It’s not a seminar! Stop trying to control everything and just let go…” Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Today is the first time in a very long time that I woke up feeling great. I have learned to let it all go. The last few weeks I have been so bogged down about my life and how things are going that I have completely lost my sense of self. I lost who I was. I lost the motivation that made me what I am. Let me take it back to yesterday…

I was feeling like total shit yesterday. I didn’t sleep much at all. I was cranky and quite frankly, I was not feeling well. I decided to just go home and rest. I felt a migraine coming on. I get home and I nap for a few hours and I wake up feeling somewhat better. I left my laptop on, so I go to facebook. I scroll through all the notifications and I see one from am old friend of mine that just struck me: Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew at some point I needed to let go, but my view of that was me giving up on myself and my dreams.

I found myself just thinking different thoughts, but as usual. I was like, whatever. I went to look up some quotes to put as my status and something told me to look up quotes about letting go. That is when I found this site. I read this site 3 times.

Reading the information made me realize something very important. Up until this point, I was not ready to move on. I was holding on the remnants of the past. The reason for this is because I have never been able to forgive myself for the past. I have constantly blamed myself for this divorce. I have asked myself numerous times, “How could I allow this to happen?” I was holding on to the pain and anger of what was. Instead, I need to be seeking self redemption and acceptance.

I need to forgive myself for the part I played in all this, so that I can let go. This way I can examine and evaluate everything while looking into the future. I need to accept what cannot be. I made some mistakes and I cannot continue to make myself pay for them. Letting go is all about me. It is almost like a leap of faith. The future holds so many possibilities and opportunities that I found that I am holding myself back. I need to evaluate the people in my life and only deal with those who are positive.

Everything happens for a reason. I don’t say that in the sense that our fate is predetermined, because I don’t believe that. But, I do believe that everyone serves a purpose in all of our lives and we need to figure out what that is. When one door shuts, other doors open, so when something unexpected (or something I don’t want to happen) occurs, I need to do a better job in seeing the opportunity that may present itself.

I wont lie and say that I am already past everything. I will say that I am making that effort by recognizing that letting go can lead to personal freedom…and I need to be free. I need to be free to do what I want do, even if I am not sure what it is. What I need is face my uncertain future with a smile and know that I am ready for anything.

…and guess what folks? I am ready. I am not looking back anymore.

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” – Tyler Durden

music, my life

My Soundtrack (For the Week)

The more I listen to music the more I realize that there are certain songs that I am drawn to. These songs seem to get a little more play than others on my normal play list. I make sure that I do not play the same thing over and over again from day to day. Which is why at work, I just have my iTunes on shuffle and let it play.

This week in particular, I have noticed that I have been rocking particular songs that have either meant something to me or are starting to mean something. There are times this week when maybe I payed a little more attention to the lyrics than I have before. Other songs are just a beat to bob my head to and makes me think of nothing.

In any case, music tends to soothe me. I have been trying to find a widget or a player to embed on this site that would show and play the songs that come to mind. When I find the right one, I will display it.

Below is my sound track of the week, which means that if someone made a movie of my life for just this week, these would be the featured tracks:

Closer – Nine Inch Nails
Karma – Alicia Keys
Wake Up – Rage Against the Machine
Let Me Be Myself – 3 Doors Down
Remember Me – T.I. (featuring Mary J. Blidge)
Keep it Movin’ – Leaders of the New School
Love Lockdown – Kanye West
Beggin’ – Madcon
Goin’ Out West – Tom Waits
Feeling Good – Muse
Just Be – Tiesto

I have found these 11 songs have been on heavy rotation for this past week, for whatever reason. Sometimes, I find that I think too much as it is. I think I would rather have the music think for me.

my life, running, The Hangover, women

Tidbit Tuesday

The Hangover

The only thing I wanted to do for my birthday was watch The Hangover. I was in the type of mood in which I just needed to laugh. This movie delivered. I was laughing from the beginning to the end. I was hoping it would not be one of those films that all the funny parts were in the commercial.

This movie was well done. I have a feeling that when this comes out on DVD that there will be a director’s cut version. In either case, I am all over the DVD. I told my coworker today to pick the funniest movie he knows and The Hangover will be funnier, hands down. I may need to see it again because there are parts I may have missed due to all the laughter.

Injury?

So I ran another 4 miles last night and it felt great. However, my foot hurts! As I was approaching the 4 mile mark, I felt pain in right foot near the ankle. One thing I know for sure about running is that most of it is purely mental. So, I just fought through the pain. As I got off the treadmill I noticed that my foot hurt the more I walked on it. So I went home and rested it.

This morning. I thought it was good, but it is still sore. I had trouble walking on it . I am not sure what the issue is. Maybe I pushed myself too far. This afternoon walking to get food, it seem a little better. Almost feels like I slightly twisted it. I don’t know. I will see if I can run tomorrow.

Reevaluating Everything

I spend most of my time thinking. I am not sure how healthy this is but I just think about a lot of things that have went wrong in my life. Sure, there are many positive things in my life but, no one really spends time thinking about how good they have been, unless they are that vain. I feel that I need to start a quest just to be a better person. Something, I believe I can achieve.

My journey is not that hard. I know what my end outcome is. Right now, I am working hard on Graduate School admittance. My issue becomes the amount of time it will take me to finish. I am not sure how long it will be. I have this nagging feeling that I will force myself to be a monk. This way I can focus on myself and my degree.

It is funny, because I have used Myspace to put up status messages of how I truly feel. Not that I don’t do it on twitter, but I know way too many people on Facebook. Last thing I need is to ask questions about what is going on. Normally, I just say…Read the blog. But, I have said that I am officially giving up women for the time being. You do have those people asking if I am switching teams…but no. Stress and drama is something I am avoiding and I feel this is the best way to do it.

Who knows, I may change my mind somewhere down the road. But this is all based on me trying to get my career in order.

Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, mother, my life, NBA Finals, New York, Syracuse

Tidbit Tuesday

Returning to NYC?

During my last trip to NYC, I failed to meet with my mother. It is not like I didn’t try. I wanted to surprise her before I came back to Syracuse, but she wasn’t home. So, I ended up talking to her a few day ago and I was informed that my uncle is throwing something for my cousin and his fiance on Father’s Day. Clearly, I am invited.

I have several issues with this. It is on a Sunday, which means I have to drive back shortly after this thing. I am so not sure why my uncle would chose Father’s Day to do this, but I wont go there. Gas cost money and I spend a lot of money on my last trip so to go down again? I am not so sure. What I do like is how my mother goes from asking me if I am going to assuming that I will be there…again we will see.

Taste of Syracuse

One of the few things that makes Syracuse bearable is the summer festivals they have. One in particular is the Taste of Syracuse. This is when all the local restaurants set up tents downtown and serve samples of their food. Of course there is plenty of beer and music to go around as well.

I did enjoy myself, but that only last for a little while. Having a square fully of people can get on my nerves. Not to mention people who are only there to drink and smoke. I was waiting on line for some lemonade and there was this nice lady behind me that had a double stroller with her 2 kids. The guy next to her decided to light up and smoke. The had he held the cigarette with was on the same side the kids were on so smoke an ash were going in their face.

So the lady tells this guy about himself and what he is doing. He just shrugs her off. This pissed the lady off and she leaves the line. I am like dumbfounded. The guy had, what appeared to be his woman with him, and she says..”that is why u get a baby sitter”. Who says that??? This bitch, who looked she should be grateful to even get dick because she so ugly shouldn’t be talking. I was not happy. Now you see why I cannot be here.

NBA Finals

I am so not happy with these finals. It is not that I am not a Laker fan or that some would deem me a Kobe Hater. It is the fact that Orlando is so damn wack. It has really been a long time since I started caring about the NBA. I haven’t really watched Pro Basketball since the Knicks got destroyed in the NBA Finals by the Spurs. However, I did keep up the the finals over the past several years.

Maybe it is because I still feel bad for Lebron James. This is a man who is trying his best to be a leader and still cannot win. It is so much a similar feeling to me. he has so much passion and drive and the pain in his face was so evident when the Cavs last week. I feel his pain in so many ways.

Then he gets criticized for not speaking to the media and shaking hand with Dwight Howard. I mean really? Let it go people. He is young, and sure he will make mistakes, but do not question his class because he made a mistake in judgment. I wont lie, I am the worst sore loser. I hate to lose. We live in a society where everything is about winning. Losing hurts a lot and when you feel you have lost everything, you can feel someone else’s pain.

car accident, my life, my wife, near death, New York, Syracuse

My Near Death Experience

It was a regular day in April of 2007. I went out to food for Josie at Las Delicias. I ordered 2 red snapper meals with arroz amarillo (yellow rice) and 1 side of maduros and 1 side of tostones. I knew I was about eat well! The order was wrapped up well and I placed the bag on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I started the car up, pulled out my iPod hit and shuffle. “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows” by Justin Timberlake starts blasting. I am ready to go. I pull out of the parking space and I make the turn on to Concord Place. It was pretty nice night. It was later in the evening. I make the next left on to Allen Street. I am driving down this street and there is no traffic then a black cat comes out of no where and I swerve…

I am not sure if anyone really knows the feeling of being in a vehicle when it turns over. It is almost like a roller coaster ride. This all happens very fast, but I was able to hear the car hit the tree. I hear myself scream “NO”. Then the car flips

My life did not flash before my eyes, but I did think I was going to die. I am still in the car, upside down. My nose hurts from the airbag. I have my eyes closed because I run a pain diagnostic on myself. Legs check. Feet check. Arms Check. No blood I can feel. I open my eyes and I am truly upside down. I think to myself… “I cannot believe I just flipped this car.” I can smell the food. Then I think…”Oh shit, I have a full tank of gas..” I unbuckle my seat belt and I crawl out of the car.

On my way out I see my new phone that I just got in 3 pieces (Phone, battery, cover). I stand up and I just look at the car. I see my iPod across the street. I pick that up and then a woman comes running out asking me if I was ok. She blabs about how she is a nurse and how I need to sit down. I can tell she is trying to check me for wounds. She mentions that she called 911. I put my phone back together and I call Josie.

I totaled that car. I just got that car a month prior. The rest of the night consisted of me going to the hospital for testing. I remember sitting on the gurney with both Josie and I crying because even then we knew that our marriage was in trouble. I still think about that day. I was off from work for a week because I was sore as hell. I think about how some of my friends did not call even though they knew what happened and I think about the one person I needed to call me…did.

I will always think about how I almost died 2 years ago. The police told me that if I had not had my seat belt on, I would not have made it. I am re-telling this because this I feel this is the closest I have ever come to death. It would have ended very quickly and then what? I thought about this yesterday. I told myself that I need to finally figure out what I want to do.

I am not staying in Syracuse. I have decided to finish my Masters and get out of here. The city is not for me. This job is not for me anymore. There is a glass ceiling over my head that I know I cannot crack. My mother is now 70 and my aunt is getting older and someone needs to look out for her. My nephew is getting bigger and I am tired of not getting to see Met games whenever I want. I miss New York City and I want to go back now! But, I need to do me. I need to get this degree.

P.S. Yes that is the car pictured above.

divorce, Friendship, my life

Talk About Awkward…

I keep forgetting that not everyone knows about Josie and I splitting up. One of the things about working at Syracuse University is that you meet so many people. Between students, staff, faculty, and guests we may run into, I would say that her and I know many people. So I know that on any given day someone will come up to me and ask “How is the wife?”

It kinda bugs me out in a very amusing way. The only way that people would know is if they read this blog. I have told certain individuals personally and so has Josie. So, I am not exactly sure who knows. Not that it is a big deal. So when the question is asked, I simply tell whomever that she is fine. To be real, I do not want to always talk about it.

I think what will be awkward is when colleagues begin to find out. I can only imagine the questions. The funny thing is that Josie and I can still work together and get things done for the students because we are professional and we know why we are here. I think it will be awkward for everyone else.

The other thing I find awkward, and maybe it is just me, I feel like everyone I know who is single is getting married! It is just weird. I certainly do not want to be the bearer of bad news, particularly for those who are about to get married. It is sort of like when I hear about people I know who die. It makes me think about my own mortality. The same thing holds true for people getting married. No one wants to think about what could happen if things don’t work out.

The good thing is that when you are engaged there is the belief that you will be together forever. Which is good. So the news that they here should not distract them. Which is why I found to heard to tell my brother, since he is getting married next year.

What I have encountered, that is not cool at all, is other people feeling the need to tell my business. I have mixed feelings about this because I know people will talk, but if I tell you that I am getting a divorce and not many people know, wouldn’t that click in your head to not tell anyone? I recognize that if I tell a friend that is married he/she will tell his/her wife. I get that. But that person need to tell his spouse to shut the fuck up!

How annoying is it to tell someone who already knows and that person was not told by her or I? Of course this incident happened before I mentioned my situation on this blog last week. It makes me want to re-evaluate those I call friends.

divorce, my life

Now What?

I consider this separation/divorce process to be very much a learning experience to me. So, it has been a very new thing for me to just put my business out there for all to read. I did tell family first. I also asked Josie if it was ok to write my last blog. Even though her and I are going through this, I still have a sense of responsibility. So I wouldn’t just put her on blast either. We had some really good times and I want to honor that.

A part of me wanted to make a FAQ list that I have encountered since I had decided to tell people individually and then publicly. There was no question that was invalid or out of the ordinary. Most are like simply: What are you going to do now? Truth be told I am talking things day by day. Some days are harder than others. Quite frankly, I have forced myself to think about all the things have went wrong. I want to say that I very much feel responsible for this.

So now what? Well, I want to focus on my career. I think that I had a very good year and I would like to keep that going. I want to get into my master’s program and I am waiting for 2 letters of recommendation (I need 3). I am a little annoyed, but I will give those two people a couple of more weeks before I search for two other people who might be willing to right me a personal reference. I am going to focus on myself.

People have asked me if I have a girlfriend. I do not have one and I do not plan to. I need to re-evaluate everything in my life. This is a life altering event and once I am able to come to terms with everything, then my next step is to fall in love…with myself. This is important to me because I am not sure if I even like myself right now. Now, I don’t want my guilt and sorrow to be mistaken for self pity. I thank everyone so much for the well wishes. Keeping my head up to me, is very much about recognizing mistakes and facing them. Once that process is done then I can move forward.

There has been no greater wisdom (for me right now) than to speak to someone who has been going through similar things. I had a cup of coffee (my first cup in a week) with a very good friend of mine that I have not seen quite a while. She offered some of the best advice to me. In addition to telling me that all things happen for a reason, she told me that I should now reflect on what I need to do for myself to make my life better. I trust her knowledge because she has been in my shoes.

I will say that I have had a good week. For the most part, I have been with family. I was able to have some of my father’s cooking which is plus for me. I went to the movies with my brother, sister and law and my nephew. Played handball with my cousin Rick. I was able to hang out with a good friend of mine as well. My vacation has been full. So I cannot complain.

Blogging, divorce, my life, my wife

There is No Manual For This

This is the blog entry I have been dreading to write. I have been thinking about what to say and I have planned out theses words for weeks. There is a very big reason why this blog has slipped over the this month and this is because my emotions and general feelings have been all over the place. This blog as been my constant since January. I have done a lot of writing to distract me from the problems that have been so glaringly obvious to me.

I am sitting here in Mount Vernon, at my aunts house, and I cannot believe how hard it is for me to write this. After almost 8 years of marriage, my wife and I splitting up. We made this mutual decision in March. This has been a hard road for us. I knew that this was something that was going to happen in December. Our marriage has been rocky for about 3 years.

There is no manual for a successful marriage. It is hard to gage all the things one needs to do in order to keep a lifetime commitment going. I will say that I blame myself for so many things. No one gets married just to get divorced. I would like to think I have done my best to make her as happy as I can, but ultimately I did not.

We will remain friends. Her and I, on many levels, get along great. Right now, we still reside in the same house, although not in the same room. Her and I will figure out all the little things we need to get us through this tough time.

This will come as a major surprise to many people who thought that her and I were the perfect couple. I think that we did a great job in getting along in public. I will say that I don’t want people to think that I do not still love her because that is not the case. The issue of love is not the case here. I do love her. But, I think that we have both done so many things to each other that at some point we were done.

This will change how I write my blogs for the time being. I maybe a little darker than normal. What I will not do, is say anything bad about her. There is no reason for it. But, I think that writing has been so helpful to me when I need to get my feelings out. I think that my blog has slipped because this is what I wanted to write about and this has blocked out every other thought that I have had.

guest blog, laptop, my life

Laptop Issues

It is not my intention to skip blogs for this long, but I am having issues with my laptop that has made it diffcult for me to connect to the internet. So I am writing something quick tolet my readers know that I am still alive. I did manage to write a guest blog on Brookey’s Cafe Blog. So please check that out. That was posted yesterday.

Once I get up and running again, I will write several blogs about my weekend. I was going to write a review on Terminator: Salvation. I will try to get that done. For now, I want to just get some rest. I hope you are all doing well…