overthinking – Anthony Otero

A Novel Idea

The problem with being me is that I think too much. I over think everything in my life and when things are bad, my over rationalization of things just make this worse. When things are going good I have to find a way to use the extra mental energy. Much of that has come in the form of novel writing.

I have always managed to use writing as a form of escape and expression. My mind is always on, which may explain why I don’t sleep as much as I should. In any case, I’m always thinking about the story and the story after that. This causes me the over think the little details of whatever I happened to be working on, but in the long run I know I can do what I could never do in real life, go back and fix mistakes.

I realize that what I’m working on fits into my own personal feelings about life. Everything we do is connected. We are all connected in some way and I think that has been coming out in the way I’m writing this novel. I really think that all the people we meet play a role in our lives no matter how insignificant it may seem. That is why all my stories take place in the same space.

Maybe it is because I’m such a lover comic books but think about the fact that Bruce Wayne takes up the same space as Clark Kent. Think about how the relationships behind the scenes are just as important. Lois Lane has done several interviews with Bruce and Lex Luthor is his business rival. This has very little to do with the fact that Batman and Superman are “friends”. That very geeky example is how the world around us operates. I can’t tell you how many times someone has checked my LinkedIn profile and commented that they didn’t realize how I knew someone they knew (which is why networking is important…but I digress).

All my books and stories are connect to each other and I over think that so much that I had to put down all my ideas of what my novels would look like when I am done. There are five books with the titles and a brief summation. If I can get this done, I will be so very impressed with myself:

Hanging Upside Down – (currently editing)
Louis is facing life after divorce while trying to be with his true love. His life comes crashing down when he has to deal with life altering experiences.

The Book of Isabel
A master student tries to find his way after a horrible break with the woman he thought was the one. Prequel to Hanging Upside Down.

The Angel of Death – (partially written)
When Marie dreams about people who die in her dreams it turns out the die in real life. She must find out the origin of her dreams before someone close to her dies.

The Book of Rachet (partially written)
A group of short stories of people who have a very different set of morals

Parallels
A young author struggles with writing about his life until he thinks about what life would’ve been like with the different ex-loves of his past.

I have no idea how I got here. I will just say that the more I edit my current title, the more ideas continue to flood my mind in regards to the other four. This what I will be working for the foreseeable future and I love it.

lessons learned, my life, overthinking, soul searching

Reflection: Perception is Reality

I have been (for lack of a better term) gun shy.

There has been much reflection going on in the last few weeks. I have questioned who I am and my place in this world. I have also taken myself to the brink of just quitting all of this. It comes down to one thing that was said to me along time ago, perception is reality.

When it comes down to it, this is generally my fault. Life has a way of dropping you down a few pegs when things get out of hand. But essentially I made an error in judgment a few weeks ago that effected a community of people. While I cannot take back what I did back, I can only reflect, learn, and grow from such a mistake.

I have been referred to as many things. What seems to come up the most is misogynist and elitist. I have spent most of these past few weeks thinking about this. I have consulted with those who know me. I believe that my actions were dumb and came from a place of anger and emotion. It would have been best to say nothing at all and just let things be. I truly regret that blog post but alas, sometimes apologies are not accepted.

Does that make me a misogynist? Am I an elitist? This is something that weights on me. These are not words that are to be taken lightly. Perhaps my actions from that one blog post makes it seem that way, but does that take away from who I am? Does that wipe away 4 years of work? I do not consider myself as a misogynist. But then, a racist doesn’t consider himself racist so my opinion on that matter mean very little in that grand scheme.

I understand my privilege as a man affords me access to things that are not readily accessible to women. I get that I use male pronouns, I get that I love hip hop (which can be the epitome of misogyny), and I also get and understand that I cannot speak for the plight and struggles of women.

I also know that I bear no hatred for women. I love women and everything about them. They can do things men cannot do, such as bearing children. Women also think so much differently than a man. A (heterosexual) man tends to only think from A to B, whereas a woman things from A to Z. I admire the women that I consider friends because they make me see the world differently. I am tempted to add more about this, but then I am reminded about the “one black friend” arguments that white people seem to make when being called racist.

Being called an elitist is particularly disturbing because I truly feel I am better than no one. I am someone who is always humbled by recognition. I have always felt that my work is not good enough. I strive to improve myself every day. I do not have a higher social status than anyone else. I do not believe that society should be ruled by an elite class of people.

I will admit that I have met many of my goals over the past year and perhaps there is a perception that “I got it like that”, but the reality is that no one really know what is happening behind closed doors. While it is true that I show people portions of my life that I wish them to see, I think that taking a vast look at my work and what I have written is an indication of my views on life.

I think it is time that I do not let an error of judgment define me but rather learn from my mistake so that I do not make them again.

anger, assholes, emotions, love, my life, overthinking

Hiatus

With the exception of my post last Friday, I have been on a self imposed hiatus. There was no particular reason for other than to just think about my life and how I react to certain situations. I realize that I am a very emotional person. Funny thing is when I say the word “emotional” it gives me images of someone crying and that is not what I am trying to convey. However, being a highly emotional does mean an array of things, but more importantly my lack of control of them is what gets me in trouble.

I think it maybe time for me to look into the different emotions that I do carry around. I know that I have not explored them in length and as a man, I think I should. My hope is that by exploring certain aspect of my moods and behavior and I can try to find some answer to why I cannot seem to control my emotions when I need to.

I have found various ways to deal with them such as writing poems or exercising. These are activities that stimulate my mind and body enough to let me let go of anything I may be feeling. Sometimes those are not enough. I find myself shutting down when it gets to be too much and thus the hiatus.

Before you start wondering what may have happened, just know that nothing major or life threatening has take place to me or anyone I know. However, I am sensitive to the actions of others. I am very much conscience of my place in this world and my place in the lives of those who I care about. But, I think my problem is that I care too much.

One of my issues is that I have not acquired the ability to stop caring. I think that is something that I am going to need to learn quickly now that I am single again. Why? Because women love men that don’t give a shit (let’s be honest about that). Of course, this begins the argument that I have had with many women in the past that if I stop caring that would make me an asshole. Well, who do you think gets all the attention in the dating game? Do I have it in me not to care anymore? I think I need to find that out.

My other issue is something old. I over-think everything still. I want to say that I am not as bad as I used to be but, I think I do over-think things way too much. It is my opinion that over-thinking becomes fuel for emotion. It is also hard when I wear that emotion on my sleeve as evidence of what happened two weeks ago.

Over the the course of the next few weeks or how ever long it takes me, I will explore some basic emotions and how I deal or not deal with them. I want to be able to see what it is I could be doing better. Some of the things come to mind: Love, Anger, Sadness, Fear, Indifference, and Hope.

It is my sincere hope to discover somethings about myself. With that said, I just want to mention how much I love twitter. As I am writing this, I asked a question to my followers: For those who know me: Do you think I have the ability to stop caring anymore(i.e. become an a**hole)? The general consensus I have gotten so far is that I do not have that ability…interesting.

divorce, letting go, love, my life, no regrets, overthinking

If I had to do it all over again, I would…

“I am a guy…when do we ever get anything right the first time?” – Hitch

About a week ago, one of my friends on Facebook posted this on her status: “If I had to do it all over again, I would…” First, I was amazed she got 38 responses. It was an interesting topic that had people thinking about regrets in their lives. It made me think about if there is anything that I may regret in the 35 years of being on this planet. My response to this status was simple: Everything happens for a reason. I am not sure I would be the person I am now if I made different choices…

As you very well know, I am the first person to admit when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. Life is full of mistakes and we should learn from each one, I am just not so sure we should go back and reflect on them for very long. Of course, I am not talking about a life altering mistake in which someone goes to jail. In those cases, people have nothing but time to reflect on the choices that have been made.

I think about all the things that have led me to where I am today. All those decisions, to either take advantage of an opportunity or bypass one, is at the heart of who I am. I do not reflect on what could have been for too long because that is just not healthy. I will also go on record to say that I have no regrets. However, that does not mean that I do not acknowledge any of my wrong doings from the past, it just means that I am learning from the mistakes that I have made in both love and life.

I have come to realize that if there is too much regret from the past then it will be hard to seek happiness in the future. I know that I tend to be hard on myself. I tend make myself pay for all mistakes. I think it is human nature to blame ourselves for things and it may also be that same nature to harp on the things that we wished could have been. The problem is being able to stop myself from overthinking the past, which I do tend to do. Sure, it is easy to just say “It is what it is” and move on, but we tend to stick to certain points in our lives that just stand out.

I realize that overthinking the past simply means that I may have not let go of everything yet. We try to hold on to ideals. We try hold on to the memories because in certain cases that is all that we have. The concept of letting go is deep on so many levels. I have gotten to the point in which, if I am dealing with something that has to with a past issue and I feel hurt or stressed by it, I take a step back and tell myself that I have not let this issue go. I let the idea of letting go become a barometer for how much I have or have not moved on from a particular issue.

I consider regret as another way of not letting go. So, that is why I can firmly say that if I had to live my life all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am, mistakes and all. Could I have done better? Sure! Could I have been a better husband? Absolutely! Could I have been a better son? Yup! Could I have been a better friend? Of course! But, I cannot regret all of that. I really cant. Because I know that through each phase of my life, I have had things that I was constantly dealing with that have made me question myself.

Now, I get to start all over again. A true clean slate. I choose who is in my life. I choose what I want to do. I now have a reference in which I can look back to and say, “I wont do that.” I know first hand consequences of bad decision making. This all comes back to what I have always said: things happen for a reason. In many cases, things happen so we can learn to be better people. Mistakes happen so we can learn to better ourselves.

I had a discussion with a friend about 2 weeks and I said to them: I have a new number 1 in my life…and that person is me.

assumptions, family, love, overthinking

Assumptions

The last time I wrote a blog (sorry for the delay but the students came back last week), I talked about how a friend of mine said I overthink. Well, it turns out that my number 2 problem is that I make assumptions. It makes me smile because he is absolutely correct. I do make way too many assumptions about all the things that I overthink about. Of course, my dad would say to me, “You know what happens when you assume? You make an ASS out of U and ME.”

I think that my assumptions are a bi-product of me overthinking. When I overthink, I tend to imagine the worst possible outcome. The reason for this is because I just don’t think that life is all peaches and cream. I do not believe that everything has a happy ending because the world does not work that way. I have learned that not everyone has the best intention and not everyone can be trusted, so why should I assume that any situation I am in would come out good?

Now, with that being said. I do believe that in the end, everything will work itself out and not in the fate type of way. I do not believe in fate because things don’t just happen, especially in relationships. Everyone has a choice in what happens to them. It is because of that, that I assume the worst because (again) not everyone has good intentions.

Then there is the fact that I can be so emotional that I think things are essentially about me when they really aren’t. Assumptions can be particularly bad when it comes to this age of social media. It is very easy to think that a status message on Facebook, AIM, or Myspace can be about us. We project this because quite possibly we hope that we are being thought about even if it is not in a nice way. Not to mention the numerous amount of “tweets” that go around these days. It is very easy to get caught up in the hype.

The best assumptions are the ones that are completely baseless. I think about my family on this one. I will tell you all right now that my family is jacked up…on both sides. You have people not talking to each other because this person said that. There is animosity on so many levels that I am willing to bet all of it is based on assumptions. Miscommunication and overthinking breeds assumptions. We all assume that when a loved one doesn’t call it is because they are not thinking about us, not realizing that this may be the furthest from the truth. In fact, I have had many discussions with family members about why I don’t call them…meanwhile the phone works both ways.

Someone asked me why do I always assume the worst. The answer is very simple. When the worst happens, I am prepared for it. So, if the best case scenario were to occur it is a welcome surprise. Probably not the best way to think about things, but I make sure that I do not fool myself when the shit hits the fan. This type of thinking does me very well at work (of course). I am never caught off guard when it comes to a situation because I am generally prepared to handle many bad situations. Why not apply the same principle when it comes to love and life?

I know that I am talking mostly about bad assumptions and worst case scenarios, but do I really think about the best possible outcome in a given situation? Yes, I do. It tends to be a quick thought of what could be, but I never prepare for anything good to happen because I tend to roll with the good times. Besides, assuming the best of times can be just as bad as assuming the worst times. Alas, my issue.

So now what? Well, I was sitting in my bed the other night, just looking at the ceiling. The TV was on and at that time it seems to just look at me. During that moment, when it was just me and my thoughts (and my dog), I made a promise to myself that one day I will be happy again. With that said, I reflect back to my overhthinking and my assumptions and I ponder the advice of that good friend: “You just have to roll with things and go with the flow”