What is the Point of Looking?

Let me preface this post by saying that these are thoughts in my head that I am toying with. When you drive 4 hours from one place to another, you have time to think about life.

This year I will be 36 years old. I am getting closer to 40 and I start to see many things in my life clearly. I looked over my past battles over the idea of fate and it has left me with one question: What is the point of looking?

Bear with me here. I am going through a divorce in which I was married to her for 8 years. Before her there were years of me being single in which, I was looking for someone to love me as well as someone to love. My prior relationship ended badly and I was thus single for about 3 years. I didn’t really date, although I tried. But, I always felt I needed something or someone.

I do not feel that way anymore. Not really sure what has changed or how I got here, but I do feel that I do not need a woman to make me happy. There is the realization that I am talking about need and not want. I not going to say that I do not want a woman because of course I do, but I do not feel that I need the love of a woman to make me happy.

I think that we get in trouble in relationships because we constantly want to look for someone who is perfect for us. Why cant we just let fate decide? I know myself. I know that I will be single for a while. The difference between then and now is the simple fact that being alone no longer bothers me. I have a certain freedom of being able to do what I want to do.

The other things is… I am just not interested. Before I open those can of worms, I will say that I know who I want, but sometimes things are what they are. Outside of that, I am not interested in the drama. I am not interested in the getting to know someone well enough to realize that they are not for me. I am not a person who goes to the club to meet a woman. At this point, I am just going to live my life and let fate decide what is going to happen.

So, what is the point of looking? Ever lose something in your room and cannot find it, then you find it when are not looking for it? Same concept here. While it almost sounds that I am looking without looking, it really isn’t. I am too old for many of the games that I see other people go through. Right now, I am just trying to survive this month so I can deal with the next.

Plus, I am a guy and more often than not I seem to run into so many women that will actively preach that men ain’t shit. I dig it. I have made my fair share of mistakes and blunders thus, I am now a single man. I still do not see how any woman would want to deal with some of the very real issues I have right now. I am not saying this because feel bad about myself, I really don’t. Perhaps it is better this way, I can finally focus on me.

There was a point where I had a fear that I may die alone. Interestingly enough, I do not have that fear anymore. Not to say that I will or that I wont, things happen for a reason. If it meant for me to get another girlfriend it will happen regardless if I look for one or not. So why look?

Trust me, I have heard many things. I am still young, single, and have no children. So that some how qualifies me to be this object that women should go after because after all, women are ruthless. I have been told that everything a woman does is calculated. All I can say is…eh. Solitude is not a bad thing. I have family and friends that will keep me quite busy if I let them.

The point is, I need to get my shit together.

From A to B

Something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks is how differently women think from men. I have read several blogs and checked out several tweets about how men are complicated. I realize that I am man when I am saying this but, men are not that hard to figure out. Granted that I am not a typical guy, but men are pretty simple. It call comes down to how we think.

Men think in a straight line. It is a simple as that. We think linearly. Our main concern all day and everyday is getting from point A to point B. Nothing else matters. Now, if we have to get from A to C then we know how to get there. Now, maybe this does not make sense, but if I tell you, for example, that men think about one thing, what does that mean? Getting laid? Well…that is thinking linearly.

Women think completely different. They think more circularly. They think more about getting from A to Z while trying not get caught or stuck on any of the letters in between. Women will always think about things that men will never think about or consider until there is a need for it. The problem is that women get frustrated with us men because we don’t think the same way or have the same thought process.

Clearly I am generalizing with this because not all men and women fall into the same cookie cutter labels that society places on us. However, there is a point to be made that both genders think differently, which is why women have intuition and men don’t. With all this being said, I have come to notice that when I think about this, the only people this has no bearing on is homosexuals.
The thing is that although I can sit here and say that women think a certain way or have a thought process that is not like men does not mean I have an understanding of them. On the contrary, I am still learning about how women work. But, I do notice that women do think about everything. Most may lie and say they do not, but they do. Some men don’t even think about what they are doing an hour from now, unless the game is coming on..then that is a different story all together.
It is the linear thinking that get many of us into trouble. We never think of the little things unless we have to or unless we are trained to. This is not to say men cannot change, because they can. We are not built to think a certain way, but we can adapt to suit the needs of a woman. Of course, the key to all this is the willingness to do such a thing. If a man does not want to step outside his own world, then he wont. Some men who do this expect women to conform to what their way of thinking is, which is so 1950’s.
The way a man can adapt to a woman’s thinking is to understand himself. All men have shortcomings that women take notice of. A man needs to recognize these things and fix them. More importantly, the number one thing a man needs to do is listen. This is like a universal rule, if you can listen to your woman…like actually listen to her…u will solve so many problems that it is not even funny.
A man’s linear thinking puts him in a situation that he feels he is right most of the time. Which any person who has been in a real relationship will say that is so not true. A woman will do thinks that make no sense to men. She may say one thing and do another. She might get upset about what men perceive to be something so small. All that is because we think our logic makes sense because all we are doing is thinking in a straight line that never veers off its course. Meanwhile, as men are thinking in their straight line…women are running circles around them.
This is not to say that women are always right. They get caught up in their own thoughts, obsessions, assumptions, and insecurities that sometimes the path from A to Z stops somewhere near M. A woman who is stuck is usually that person who cant get over a situation where it is a job, a man, or family. Once she is stuck then it is hard for her to get to the next letter or the next step because something is holding her back. She can always pretend to get to the next letter, but once she realizes she is stuck it is hard to move on. Now, men get stuck too, but because we think differently we can put blinders on and stay on the same path.
I know that what I am writing is fully of analogies and hidden meanings, but life is full of that. There is no way that I expect everyone to agree with what I am saying, but I just think that when it comes down to it women but more thought into life then men do. That is why we cannot figure each other out. Let me know what you think…

Can We Be Friends or What?

I was just watching Billy Crystal on the Jay Leno show and it reminded me of this blog I wrote as a guest on Brookey’s Cafe Blog. Enjoy!

“What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. ” – Harry Burns

Best part about When Harry Met Sally is the whole debate about on if men and women can be friends. I struggle with this topic because I can give a different answer depending on the day of week. But I will preface all of this by saying that I believe that depending on the situation, mean and women can be friends.

First, let me just say that I am very glad to be guest blogging again. I know that I have been MIA for awhile, but if you ended reading my blog you will kinda now that I have a lot on my mind. Thank you Brooke for having me here. So…

I will be real with you all, I have many female friends. If you go on my facebook you will see those are the people who respond the most to me (besides Rameer, who called me gay…but i got you son). Women are the ones who I tend to talk to the most about…well other women. So, I wont lie if I told you all right now that out of all the women I know. I would sleep with 98% if I had the chance.

This should not be alarming. The 2% that I wouldn’t sleep with is because I view them like sisters. They are normally the ones I have either known for along time or more importantly, female students that I have mentored. Of course, the problem is being a guy. We look at all women who are not family as potentials. Nothing is wrong with that to me, but that is what we do.

I laugh because I was talking to my dad a few days ago and he told me that he noticed that I have alot of females talking to me. So I just shrug it off because I have always been more comfortable with women than I have with guys. Maybe it is because most of my family are women, so I know what they go through with men in general. Of course I try not to make those same mistakes, I find that I have to learn the hard way. So, my dad tells me, “I am sure one of those ladies wants to give you some”. This is why you have to love my father.

The issues is not weather or not women want to sleep with a guy, the issue is: will it happen. Lets take my lovely friendship with Brooke for example. Her and I have become fast friends over the past year. We have called each other, discussed ideas and problems. But, I have told her that I had such a crush on her in college (and really? who didn’t). Of course she is that 98% I am talking about, but will it really happen?

The one thing I have learned for sure is that sex changes everything. Good friends can become f*ck friends really quickly and then from there anything can happen. A relationship could start or a friendship could end. So the the real question becomes: Is having sex with a good friend worth the risk? Keep in mind, that if you are friends, you will know each other’s bad habit and lies. So all that stuff that worked with the ex you could not get over, will not work with this person. Plus, let us not talk about what happens if someone catches feelings while the other person does not…

What about if you have had sex with your friend and have moved past it and remain friends. Then one or both get into a serious relationship with another person. Will there be a level of secrecy there? Would you tell your partner that you slept with your best friend? Sure it meant something at the time but now you supposedly moved past it. Now what? Right there is the key. What if the person’s partner does not want to trust your best friend? I mean lets face it, men and women can be pretty bad if the sex was off the hook.

However, in most cases that I have seen, a true friendship can get past that. True friends just care about each other and the other person’s well being. So, it is possible to be friends through thick and thin.

So, I am going to need some help here…can we be friends or what? I think we can, but of course if you in the 98% it might difficult…lol

Women are Ruthless

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It is amazing what people will say when they find out that I am getting a divorce. I know that many people really do not know what to say when they hear about it, but there are those who know exactly what to say. From what I can tell, those who are still married and have never been through a divorce (or never witnessed one with their parents) never know what to say. It is those who have been through a divorce of any kind that have the most to say.

A few weeks ago, I had a buddy of mine talk to me when he found out that I was getting a divorce. After making sure that I was ok, he begins to tell me how different women are from when we were single. Of course, I am thinking, “have I been married that long?” Seriously, did something happen that I don’t know? How the hell are things different? He tells me this one line that I am not going to forget: Bitches are ruthless. Whoa.

He explains to me that women will do whatever is necessary to get what they want. His point is that I am good catch and women these days will sniff me out and “sink their claws in me.” He had a general concern that I may not be ready for this. I have told him what I am telling everyone: I am not trying to date anyone. I need to do me. I need to make myself happy. He is response that I can use women to achieve this goal…again, whoa.

So, like I normally do when I encounter such information, I seek the advice of my female friends. Imagine my surprise when they agreed! There is something that I never really thought about and that is the fact that there is a man shortage. Women out number us, which give men the ability to have options. Women, particularly in my age group, that are looking for a good man will make sure they will do what they need to to achieve this goal. I found this to be very surprising.

See, I hated dating when I was in my 20’s. In fact, I didn’t do it much. Why? because women did not pay much attention to me. Now, maybe you can blame that on the fact that I was looking in the wrong direction when it came to women. However, it seemed to me that women in their 20’s are looking for something I do not have. Most, times they seem to be looking for thugs, and I am far from that. Maybe times have changed, but I cannot say for sure. So the fact that women will try to get their claws into me is something I am not really ready to accept.

It was then explained to me that their are certain qualities that I posses. I am educated. I have a good career. I can take care of myself. After that, the two most important things: I am (or will be) single and I have no kids. Whoa. I find this all to be very interesting. I can understand what people are telling me, but all I can say it that I am still not dating anyone. You cannot “sink your claws” into something you cannot grab.

So, now I am in My Sanctuary, here in Florida. My parents have taken much time and effort into pulling just about every detail into what happened with my marriage. I told them just about everything. At the end, we talked about my future, and once again I was told that women can be ruthless! My dad pretty much told me that when a woman wants something she will do anything, including hurting her friends to get a man she wants. That is crazy! My step mother did not even disagree! In fact, she told me that women just do not care. Where are these women?? I am really trying to figure out who I know that is like that.

This information is something I clearly need to ponder. I mean I wont go into it too deeply, but it is something I need to be aware of. I wont lie, I have been under the impression that most women do not know what they want. However, with age this changes. I begin to wonder it is because of desperation or simply that the men they have dated in the past simply were not for them and they need a change of pace. I am not sure.

All I can say is that women confuse me and will always confuse me. I know I am not perfect. But, perhaps with the man shortage I was told about, it is difficult for a woman to make a choice on what to do.

Men Are Assholes – A Woman’s Response

My recent blogs have been very interesting to say the least. But, I felt I need a woman’s perspective on all this. So, I have asked Brooke from Brookey’s Cafe Blog to weigh in all this “Asshole” stuff. She is an incredible writer and a good friend. I am glad to have her as my first Guest Blogger…so lets see what is inside her head:

Okay, I actually had to marinate on this one. Ant asked me to write a response to his “Men are Assholes” blog. I say I had to think about it because I could have simply written, “I agree…The End” and kept it moving. 🙂 But, I wanted to give this some serious thought.

I know most women who read Ant’s blog will say ‘yes, men ARE assholes. Period.” And that would be easy to do. But then we have to prepare ourselves for the snappy comeback – “well, if we’re assholes, it’s because women are bitches!”

Back to that in a minute.

Ant kinda wrote his own follow-up to the “Most Men are Assholes” blog with his “The Scourge: A Man Scorned” post. It kinda gave an explanation as to the reason why some men are assholes. I’m going to try to respond to both blogs in one.

Ant said most men are assholes, or have the potential to be. But that could be said about anyone…man or woman. Women can be bitches (whatever your definition of a bitch is) – we all have the potential to be. What defines our character is how we react in certain situations and how we allow these situations to affect our lives. For the sake of this post, the situation is heartache. We can either take a good look at our heartbreaks and learn the lesson, or we can turn into assholes and bitches and destroy everything in our path. It’s up to us to decide.

That being said, from the woman’s perspective, most of us recognize the asshole. Ant said the asshole can disguise himself as a sincere, genuine dude just to get what he wants…but most men don’t bother. They just don’t go that far to try to get us if they’ve been THAT hurt. They really could give a damn. Like Ant said, most assholes tell you upfront what the deal is and leave it up to you to decide if you wanna rock with him or not. There are at least 3 other women he’s already looking at ready to take your place if you bounce.

But, some women think we can change him, soften him up a bit…be the woman that takes his “assholedness” away. And if that’s the case, all I can say is if you fall for an asshole, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Men like the ones Ant speaks of are not hard to spot. Sure, they can lure you with fake confidence, money, cars, clothes, sweet words, and dance and romance your sweet ass. But underneath all that is a man filled with bitterness and anger – not just towards women, but towards himself too. He can’t hide that for too long. If you wait a little while and don’t give him any too soon, he will eventually rear his ugly head. Trust me on that.

But sometimes we women don’t give it a chance. We catch feelings and BAM! Hooked on an asshole. We make excuses for why we fell for the asshole…all of it nonsense. I know, I’ve done it. I still do it sometimes…and it’s all buffoonery. There’s no trickery involved. It’s just that assholes present a challenge. We want to “fix” them. We want to love them back to health. Ladies, it can’t be done. He has to WANT to not be an asshole anymore – and if the pain is too deep, RUN! Nothing hurts more than to fall in love with an asshole with a broken heart.

That being said, I don’t believe that most men are assholes. But what most men are NOT are experts with emotions…especially their own. We may not believe this, but I think women are good at eliciting emotions from men, even though they won’t admit it. When things are good, well, they’re good. Like Ant said, men want to love and loved in return. But when things fall apart, men feel like they fell into a trap that they set for themselves. Men think love is a curse. They run from it like it’s a disease they catch, like the freakin plague. They fool themselves into believing that they can’t be hurt. But when it inevitably happens, they’re shocked and surprised…and pissed off.

For some, emotional pain hurts like physical pain. When a man gets hurt, the instinctive response is to hurt the person who inflicted this damage even more. In the hundreds of thousands of years since man walked upright, this instinctive response served them well. Until now. Now this response just makes life unbearable for everyone – them and the women they loved (and perhaps still love) and every woman who follows.

When their world flips upside down, inflicting pain on the woman also gives him a small measure of grounding. If he can’t make her feel love for him, he at least can make her feel pain because of him. It’s not much of a consolation prize, but at this point, any bits and pieces of pride and ego that he can salvage he’ll gladly take. When there’s no more love to speak of, power is the only thing that matters. As long as he still has the power to make the woman feel something, anything, even if it’s pain and misery, he will likely use it.

So yes, sometimes men act like assholes. Not because they really are, but because it’s the easy way out. It’s the fastest way for them to heal and come to terms with their emotions. The alternative is too difficult and too painful. Not many men know how to take the high road or deal effectively with their emotions. It could be called “bitchassness”…or simply human nature.

Typically, men and women deal with emotions differently. Women cry, call girlfriends, hash it out immediately and allow ourselves to drown in the pain until we can’t cry anymore. Then magically we’re cured and we fall in love again. The problem is if we don’t take responsibility, learn our lessons and keep falling in love with assholes, then we can – and most likely WILL – turn into that bitch ourselves. Some women react the same way an asshole man does, and punish every potentially good man they meet…making him pay for the asshole they fell in love with who hurt them. And the cycle continues.

For the woman, I have only one piece of advice. Ask yourself: is he a good person having an asshole moment? Or is he TRULY an asshole? If the answer is yes, then be honest with yourself and run – do not pass-go! But if he’s a good guy who’s been hurt and is trying to instinctively protect himself from being hurt again, forgive him for his asshole moments – even if he acted foolish and hurtful in the worst situations. He did it because it was the only way he knew how to get through the darkness. And if the Scourge truly wants to come out of the darkness, don’t be a bitch…be his Light.

The Scourge: A Man Scorn

“Harry you’re going to have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York & I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you! Besides I will make love to somebody when it is ‘making love’, not the way you do it like you’re out for revenge or something!”Sally Allbright (When Harry Met Sally)

As I mentioned last week. Most men are assholes. Point blank. If he is not an asshole he certainly has the potential to be. I wanted to talk about a unique type of man that can traumatize any woman. This is a man who is broken hearted and wants to take his anger out on the next woman or the next few women. I call him the Scourge because that is what he is, a man who is scorn who would rather punish the next woman because his pain is so great.

The circumstances are not always the same, but similar. A man loves a woman and she does him wrong. Either she cheats on him or she just doesn’t return the love he has for her. In any case he is forced to not be with the women that he may feel was “the one” for him. Because the male ego is very fragile, most men have issues dealing with the loss of a relationship. Most men do not cry, but rather hold that emotion inside which makes them bitter. The pain of not being with that woman who could have been “the one” can be so deep that women are no longer people…they are bitches.

Every man will say they have needs and after a while of being of lonely, masturbating just does not cut it anymore. The scourge will deal with the pain long enough to meet someone. He may like her at first and will even take her on a date; but really, he has no intention on using her for anything more than sex. Now some guys who fall in this category will make his intentions known, not that this makes him any better, but at least the woman knows. But, there are others that just don’t care enough to make their intentions known. These men would treat every woman as is she is a hoe. If one turns him down, than there are more to choose from.

These men can disguise themselves by acting how they once were, a caring person who genuinely likes and respects women. Mostly likely his game is on point. But, with the bitterness and the influence of friends, he will just want some ass and bounce. He may even take it so far as to date her and then dump her after a few dates. The Scourge may not necessarily be rude. He may just make excuses to why to not continue to see the same woman after sex…all because she does not compare or add up to what he once had.

The question becomes, is this behavior temporary or permanent? It is no secret to any man that the more of an asshole you are the more women you will get. Nice guys will always finish last until they get with the program at some point. I consider the Scourge to be a transitional phase that men go through until the bitterness and anger wear off. Unfortunately, most times, the lack of trust for women can remain. Most men will think of themselves first because there is no way they are going out like that again…no matter who they love next. So future relationships could also be effected as well.

I say most men can become a scourge because I do not believe all men go through this. There are guys who are in touch with themselves enough to deal with their emotions and feelings of loss. Let me make this one thing clear, all men want to fall in love (they just wont admit it). All men have, at one point or another, fantasised about marriage and being with “the one”. However, either as a kid or as a young man, their view of what they considered to be a “real woman” is are crushed based on a negative reaction from woman they know and love. Which leads to a negative view on women in general.

I am sure some of you are thinking,”What about the mother?” That all depends really. Some moms will tell their sons that women are up to no good and that they will play with their heads and their hearts. Other moms can be the very reason why some guys become a Scourge or at least bitter towards women. Clearly, if a man has any issues with his mother, he will find it difficult to give his heart away….especially if a woman does him wrong along the way. Trust me on this one.

When I was a kid and even as a teenager, I was always told never to trust a woman. I was told by female members of my own family that girls do not know what they want and were just out of themselves. So, even as a kid I was warned. I did find it weird since most of my family is female. I thought they were perfectly sane. Of course I see them now and realize they are all fucking nuts (but i digress). What I have realized is that this is cycle: Bad men create bad women who create bad men that create bad women. The cycle is never really broken until we finally find someone to settle with and even then that could turn out bad.

I will not sit here and say that I think women are crazy because I think men are just as nuts too. We are all nuts, especially when it comes to love. It blurs everything and makes us do things we would not normally do. But I do know that negative experiences will turn a good man into something that will make all men look bad.

I am not implying that I am a Scourge. I stated last week that I am in a transition phase in my life in where I need to let go of everything. Most men do not know how to do this. While I have problems letting my emotions rule over me, I understand my short coming and struggle to correct them.

Tidbit Tuesday

The Hangover

The only thing I wanted to do for my birthday was watch The Hangover. I was in the type of mood in which I just needed to laugh. This movie delivered. I was laughing from the beginning to the end. I was hoping it would not be one of those films that all the funny parts were in the commercial.

This movie was well done. I have a feeling that when this comes out on DVD that there will be a director’s cut version. In either case, I am all over the DVD. I told my coworker today to pick the funniest movie he knows and The Hangover will be funnier, hands down. I may need to see it again because there are parts I may have missed due to all the laughter.


So I ran another 4 miles last night and it felt great. However, my foot hurts! As I was approaching the 4 mile mark, I felt pain in right foot near the ankle. One thing I know for sure about running is that most of it is purely mental. So, I just fought through the pain. As I got off the treadmill I noticed that my foot hurt the more I walked on it. So I went home and rested it.

This morning. I thought it was good, but it is still sore. I had trouble walking on it . I am not sure what the issue is. Maybe I pushed myself too far. This afternoon walking to get food, it seem a little better. Almost feels like I slightly twisted it. I don’t know. I will see if I can run tomorrow.

Reevaluating Everything

I spend most of my time thinking. I am not sure how healthy this is but I just think about a lot of things that have went wrong in my life. Sure, there are many positive things in my life but, no one really spends time thinking about how good they have been, unless they are that vain. I feel that I need to start a quest just to be a better person. Something, I believe I can achieve.

My journey is not that hard. I know what my end outcome is. Right now, I am working hard on Graduate School admittance. My issue becomes the amount of time it will take me to finish. I am not sure how long it will be. I have this nagging feeling that I will force myself to be a monk. This way I can focus on myself and my degree.

It is funny, because I have used Myspace to put up status messages of how I truly feel. Not that I don’t do it on twitter, but I know way too many people on Facebook. Last thing I need is to ask questions about what is going on. Normally, I just say…Read the blog. But, I have said that I am officially giving up women for the time being. You do have those people asking if I am switching teams…but no. Stress and drama is something I am avoiding and I feel this is the best way to do it.

Who knows, I may change my mind somewhere down the road. But this is all based on me trying to get my career in order.