my life – Page 4 – Anthony Otero

Me, Me, ME. Me Too…

Imagine if you will, being Neo in a world where people are blind to the ways of the world. Only you and and like minded people know what is going on because the only power that you have is critical thought. Perhaps you can take that a step further and say you are Neo in a world filled with doubts so large that they can attack and multiply at any moment. Your sole purpose to is survive and live until the next day.

There is no secret that this scene is my favorite scene in all the Matrix Trilogy. So many parallels can be made with that movie and the present world, weather it is world around us or just our personal lives. Someone is bound to be an Agent. This can be someone who is embedded with a belief that is either different than yours or a doubt in your mind that can take over your thought process. Either of these can be very dangerous and shut your central hardware down.

Agent-Smith-51855554478 — Me…me…me. Me too.

But here is the thing that I learned recently, we are the ones who can take things into our own hands and determine the course of our fate. We can either choose to fight and a take stand for something or we can succumb to fear and doubt. I choose to fight everyday for the sake of my own existence in this world. I choose to learn about the things that are around me so I can be better equipped for what is to come. I do not believe in everything I read or hear because I do believe that people are generally disingenuous and have ulterior motives than what is presented.

The last thing I want to do is to become part of the problem but rather part of the solution. I know what my problems are, I deal with them every day. I can be part of that problem by sitting around and doing nothing and watch them slowly destroy my existence or I can choose to be the one and solve these issues by facing each one of my doubts and fears as they multiply.

We can re-write our code and be something that the world does not intend. This is something that I intend on doing.

Blogging, my life, writing

Back to Basics

I need to get back to my basics. What brought me to the game four years ago was my basic need to express myself. This need developed from a feeling of silence that entered my life. Now four years from the birth of my greatest literary creation and a silence has some how returned.

The blame is all mine, as it was those years before the blog. There was a point where I wrote anything and now I write next to nothing. In between this was feelings, emotions, poetry, educational texts about Afro Latinos, and a bunch of vagueness.

So now I have to go back to basics. I started by writing this on a pad with a pen to remind myself that I am indeed a writer at heart. I have to get back the vagueness because anything more or less is just not acceptable to me. It took a mistake to recognize a power that I didn’t know I wielded. It took another mistake to recognize that all friendships are not created equally. It took yet another mistake to realize everything in my life is fragile.

Frustration is knowing that I cannot write the way I want without a certain sense of accountability. It is then that I remind myself that what I write has always been for me and yet (another mistake) there is a certain delusion in that. People will read and reading most times means judgment (not that this is a bad thing). But, what is written and published can stay forever and will always be up for interpretation.

It’s like when a Facebook post gets 80 likes and then gets deleted for some reason. Sure, you can delete the post but people know they read it and that type of literal memory can carry a lot of weight. So living and writing in a world of the vague has its benefits, even if no one knows what you are talking about (although, they think they do).

Getting back to basics mean getting in touch with myself. Being able to put aside those things I feel have kept me from being a better writer…and constant writer. Doing this will make me shift me priorities to what feels right for me. Writing just feels right. Conforming and acting the way people or society wants has never felt right.

It took four days of watching a slam poetry competition to realize the need to get back to the basic premise of scribbling thoughts on a pad. Now, I am working on a series of short shorties that may turn into something else…and while this is something that I have said before, I proved to myself last year that I can do exactly what I set out to do.

inspiration, lessons learned, my life

Things will get Better

A few years ago I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record. I talked about fate many times and how everything happens for a reason. I still believe this. No matter what happens to me or no matter what dumb things I do, I know that some where down the road I will be in a better place.

I am not talking about death. I am talking about being able to deal with things that occur and moving on in a positive way. There should always be a sign somewhere in our line of sight that we see everyday that will say “things will get better.” Clearly this is a statement that can be meant for those going through rough times, but I think it serves a purpose for those going through good times. Thing will get better can represent anything from getting better grades, to getting a better job, or finding a soul mate.

We all have the capacity to get over ourselves and our own bullshit. The universe has a way of letting us know that we are not a smart as we think nor are we as dumb as we may appear. Mistakes are always supposed to be made. That is how we get through life and become better people. Regrets are for those can’t seem to forgive themselves. Not all mistakes are regrettable and not all regrets stem from mistakes. The real issue is when does regret stop you from moving forward.

I suppose a better question is, what is moving forward look like? Every 7 years our bodies regenerates itself..or simply put, it takes 7 years for our bodies to renew itself. We basically shed our skin, our cells become new and we go through a metamorphosis that last 7 years and then starts all over again. We become our personal Phoenix. But does moving on mean we have to become different people? I think that depends on the paradigm shift that happens in our personal lives. (Ironically, it is not lost on me that 7 years seems to be big thing…like 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror or even worse…it takes 7 years for bad credit to leave your report)

Yet, every bad thing we experience and how we handle it, defines us. We may think that our personal world is coming to end but what we do not see, is how good most of us have it. There are people in this world going through worse than us. Our lives of privilege can become pretty laughable when comparing it to the problems of some else, especially when we take certain things in our lives for granted.

Things will get better because more often than not, they do. Its really up to us to recognize when things are getting better. Life may have a way of throwing a monkey wrench into all your plans but life also has away of rewarding you. We may be our own worse critics and we may come down on ourselves hard but there is always an ending point when we can remake out selves and renew our sensibility.

Hopefully that will not take 7 years.

my life

Defense

There is a sports euphemism that goes…”defense is the best offense.” I find myself thinking about this statement in regards to my life. Also, with the Syracuse Orange continuing to struggle as they head into the NCAA tournament, that statement almost becomes a war cry of sorts.

Reality is that I don’t know what is going on with me. I feel that I am currently failing at life outside of work. There was a time when work was the thing that stressed me the most but that is not the case anymore. Now things are different and I have to take a deep look at myself. One of the things that come up is that I am always so defensive and it’s a problem.

For the life of me, I cannot explain where it comes from. Why am I always so defensive when confronted with something that is uncomfortable? In fact, why am I so defensive when it comes to basic shit? Have I always been this way?

The sad thing is, I think that I may have always been this defensive person who needs to explain himself. The problem is that I fear that this is getting worse. It is almost like a natural reaction to questions or situations. When I look at my strengths, I know that I have this thing called connectivity, which means I feel that we are all connected in some way. This quality gives me the ability to be really good at building relationships. The problem is that my defensiveness has away of deconstructing those same relationships.

I know that this is something that my dad has told me before. I know this is something that my ex-wife has told me before. This is something my current girlfriend is saying. I am just not so sure what to do anymore. Being defensive is not something I want to do. Most times, I don’t think I am being this way so when some one tells me that this is how I am reacting…I get more defensive.

The only thing I can really do is research this. I read this article and it shed some light on what may be going on with me. I think that most of my issues are based on fear. I have talked about this several times in the past that fear makes us do things we shouldn’t do and as a result we tend to react in ways that just not good. Too be honest, lately, I feel like I’m afraid of everything. My life has been good but what if I lose it all? What if I make more mistakes than I have already made in the past year? I have been parading around saying that I do not care how people see me but that turn out to be a lie; my defensiveness proves that. Maybe I am not the person I say I am…

This is all speculation. I realize this. For every mistake there has been an equal or greater success. I two people text me today thanking me for providing inspiration in their lives. I am so proud of that. But, ask me why I haven’t done something about my own life and perhaps my voice will raise and I will find myself getting into a defensive position. In the back of my mind I know there are people out there who want to see me fail. I just need to be honest with myself. I am too young to have a mid life crisis, so what is it?

Emotion rules my world way too much. But there is something wrong with feeling that I can’t to anything right at times. Yet, I am still confident in myself and all my abilities. I am not sure when I started being defensive. Was it before or after college? What I do know is that I need to find away to not push people away because of my stubbornness.

lessons learned, my life, overthinking, soul searching

Reflection: Perception is Reality

I have been (for lack of a better term) gun shy.

There has been much reflection going on in the last few weeks. I have questioned who I am and my place in this world. I have also taken myself to the brink of just quitting all of this. It comes down to one thing that was said to me along time ago, perception is reality.

When it comes down to it, this is generally my fault. Life has a way of dropping you down a few pegs when things get out of hand. But essentially I made an error in judgment a few weeks ago that effected a community of people. While I cannot take back what I did back, I can only reflect, learn, and grow from such a mistake.

I have been referred to as many things. What seems to come up the most is misogynist and elitist. I have spent most of these past few weeks thinking about this. I have consulted with those who know me. I believe that my actions were dumb and came from a place of anger and emotion. It would have been best to say nothing at all and just let things be. I truly regret that blog post but alas, sometimes apologies are not accepted.

Does that make me a misogynist? Am I an elitist? This is something that weights on me. These are not words that are to be taken lightly. Perhaps my actions from that one blog post makes it seem that way, but does that take away from who I am? Does that wipe away 4 years of work? I do not consider myself as a misogynist. But then, a racist doesn’t consider himself racist so my opinion on that matter mean very little in that grand scheme.

I understand my privilege as a man affords me access to things that are not readily accessible to women. I get that I use male pronouns, I get that I love hip hop (which can be the epitome of misogyny), and I also get and understand that I cannot speak for the plight and struggles of women.

I also know that I bear no hatred for women. I love women and everything about them. They can do things men cannot do, such as bearing children. Women also think so much differently than a man. A (heterosexual) man tends to only think from A to B, whereas a woman things from A to Z. I admire the women that I consider friends because they make me see the world differently. I am tempted to add more about this, but then I am reminded about the “one black friend” arguments that white people seem to make when being called racist.

Being called an elitist is particularly disturbing because I truly feel I am better than no one. I am someone who is always humbled by recognition. I have always felt that my work is not good enough. I strive to improve myself every day. I do not have a higher social status than anyone else. I do not believe that society should be ruled by an elite class of people.

I will admit that I have met many of my goals over the past year and perhaps there is a perception that “I got it like that”, but the reality is that no one really know what is happening behind closed doors. While it is true that I show people portions of my life that I wish them to see, I think that taking a vast look at my work and what I have written is an indication of my views on life.

I think it is time that I do not let an error of judgment define me but rather learn from my mistake so that I do not make them again.

Afro Latino, Black History Month, Black in Latin America, Blogging, Branding, Huffington Post, LANSU, Latinos, my life, Syracuse University

The Cultivation of My Brand

This past week I’ve been realized one thing, I am cultivating a brand. I started doing this years ago without realizing it. Once I knew what I wanted to do, I tried my hardest to be as consistent as possible.

I will admit that I had no idea exactly what I was doing but I figured being recognized under one screen name would be the best possible thing for me. This way when someone was looking for my blog they would always be able to find it. That is why my twitter and tumblr are the same. If you play me in world with friends or any game on the iphone, you will know how to find me: latinegro.

It is also that consistency that has also allowed me to have the same message. While, this particular blog tends to get personal at times. I still, for the most part, try to advocate for the recognition of Afro Latinos and to a much larger extent, Latinos. Then there is my overall feeling on the fight against racism and oppression that I have been so out spoken about. I also believe in education and easy access to it. I think that it is our responsibility to help our youth get a better education.

With that being said, I realize that I never mentioned how I am the president of the Latino Alumni Network of Syracuse University (LANSU). This is something that I’m very proud of but I don’t feel the need to brag about it. Quite simply, there is a lot of work to do to get this organization to where I envision it. Last week, we had our first collaborative event of 2013 that was very coincidentally called: Branding Yourself in the Global Marketplace.

While I also knew about branding myself, It was very interesting to see other people’s opinion on it. It made me reenforce what I had done the week prior to all this, which was using my ability to write to create a theme for LANSU that needs to be solidified. Quite frankly, I have never been comfortable asking for money. Even when I was a telemarketer for brief time in the late 90’s, I had trouble asking for money and that was my job! But, I have a passion for my former students at SU and for fellow alumni. My job is to bridge that gap through networking at the fulfillment of the LANSU Scholarship Fund.

I had spent the first few weeks of January really trying to get LANSU’s name out there through twitter, facebook, and Linkedin. I was in a very long meeting with Syracuse University to get what I need established. This almost lead me to forget the other side of my brand: The Latinegr@s Project. This was something that I figured was unforgivable in my book especially with Black History Month. I wanted to create a ripple in the water in a way that I have never done before.

The last time I wrote for The Huffington Post was in July of 2012. It had been weighing on me that I have access to this awesome medium and I was not taking advantage of it. While I had planned on writing my final SU based article in November, there was something about it that just fell through. It wasn’t strong enough.

People ask me all the time “How did you get to write for the Huffington Post?” Well, the answer is networking. I got lucky that I knew someone that knew someone that works for them. When the call went out for new bloggers, my name was given and I was contacted. This is one of those times when being a mentor to a fabulous person like Victoria Chan pays off. I will always be grateful for her because of this and I will always make sure I am there for her when she needs advice.

I was asked to only write about College and Higher Education topics, which I did and struggled with. I have a personal copy editor (my girlfriend) who tears my articles up, demanding I be more clear and concise. I noticed after the 3rd article I posted that there was way for me to submit a blog through Latino Voices (a branch of the Huff). I kept that in the back of my mind knowing that I will have to post about Afro Latinos one day and hopefully they will accept this.

Fast forward to last Friday. As busy as I was, I was debating on if I should even write something or wait until Monday. Most times, I would write a post and it would take a day for me to edit it and go back and forth with how good it may or may not be. I just decided to write something during my lunch hour. It was something really quick and straight forward that was barely 700 words if that. I fact checked it and sent it to my beautiful girlfriend to destroy (I tend to be vague with a lot of typos). She emailed it back with two edits! I was shocked. Later she would tell me that it was the most straight forward article I have written.

I submitted it to Latino Voices around 3pm. I was thinking that, if they do post this, it wont be until Monday. I was almost mad at myself about that because I had waited so long to write it. At 5m exactly…they posted the article. The rest has been a whirlwind of comments and praise that I was not expecting. I did a radio interview with a show out of Syracuse the very next day. It turns out to be the most read blog post I have written ever.

I was asked what was it like to create a brand for yourself? Simply put: Absolutely Amazing.

Blogging, my life

4 Years (in the game).

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” – Neil Gaiman

Four years ago today I started on writing a blog and since then I never stopped. From year to year I felt that at some point there might be an end to all this. Truth be told that nothing lasts forever so when I think about how indecisive I can be or (at the very least) how much I hate repetition, its very much a surprise that I am still around. I’m just glad that I never lost that drive to write.

It is also very unique to be able to have something tangible to look back on. While I do not have the time to go back and read everything I wrote, I do go back from time to time to see if my feelings on life have changed. After all, I started this blog when I was married. Now I am so far from that life that the tone of things have completely changed. I was worried that me being happy would give me less things to write about. Unfortunately, most of my writings are better when I am miserable and to make my point, I have not written a poem in about a year and half. Yet, I am glad where I am. I feel I still have a lot to say and so many challenges to face.

I did question whether I should celebrate this since I am no longer posting on my original blog. However, I think that I woke up from some kind of slumber four year ago. I am not sure I can imagine a life in which I don’t have a blank page (or screen) that allows me to fill it with words and yet, be lucky enough to have people read it. I’m very happy about that decision to put myself out there in ways I never thought were possible or even imaginable.

I think that moving blog sites was good for me. I (still) get way more page views on my original site than on this one, which is to be expected. I think I wrote some really good things and people are still reading it. I did manage to move all the blog content from that site to this one. I wanted to make sure all of those were with me. There was a brief thought that perhaps I should delete the previous site but I decided against that because I do not want anyone else to have the ability to post on that url.

I have learned many things in that last 4 years. One of those things is that branding yourself is very important. I have tried my best to brand myself and everything I do as a product. There is no bigger product than ourselves. We should spend the time, money, and resources into investing ourselves. That is a hard concept to wrap the head around, but we are the greatest asset that we can give to anyone or any company. We should already know our strengths and weaknesses. It is really up to us to cultivate those into something that is valuable.

I also feel myself changing. I’m not sure exactly what that means either. Perhaps my views on life are changing due to age and experience. I could be maturing in a whole new way that gives me a different out look. Then there is the simple point that I could be just tired of the B.S. around me. I think it is time that I take a deep look at myself because I feel that people complain to much about everything. I wonder if I am one of those people. While everyone has a right to criticize, are we becoming too critical? Are we complaining about the wrong things? I don’t know, but I think it requires a look within myself to see if perhaps I am too critical.

Another words, I think this year will be just as good as past years. I may go out a limb here and say that I may just write more blog post than I did last year. I hope you all enjoy the ride because it may be bumpy.

I will leave you with this:

my life

I am not Your Superman™

I am a lot of things and as I continue to write blog posts, champion certain causes, and lead certain organizations, it becomes increasingly important to establish just what I am and what I am not.

What I need to get out of the way first is what I am not.

I’m not Superman and nor will I ever be. I am a person who makes mistakes and says the wrong things. People will have personal issues with how I do things and how I say things. Sometimes I think they are more turned off by the way I say things than the actual content.

I am not a conspiracy theorist. I do not blindly say shit out of my nether regions to get a response. However, I do not always believe everything I see or read. I critically think about all the things that are happening around me. If I say that a certain movie is commercializing slavery or that I do not trust the content of the Flu Shot then perhaps I may have my reasons. It is perfectly fine if you do not agree but that also does not mean I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I am not a racist (I’m amused that I have to say this). I believe in the human spirit and I do not hate any particular race, creed, or religion. I think that we all have issues and I just address the one that effect me and the people who look like me. I have been well educated in this area with the classes that I have taken and the many books that I have read about critical race theory (most written by white people by the way). I have a history of working with everyone but guess what? We still live in a racist society and I am quite sorry most people cannot see that.

I am not Anti-USA. I love this country and best believe that you will never hear me say that I would leave it due to stupid policies and laws. I have always used my right of free speech and never quelled anyone else’s right. What I do know is history and that kind of knowledge trumps many things. We may be the greatest country in the world but we still have faults.

Let me tell you what I am.

I’m a critical thinker that questions everything. Maybe it was my educational background. Maybe it is my father who has always told me that there are bad people in this world and I need to watch out for them. I have been burned too many times as a kid not to question things.

I am a Mentor. I have been involved in the lives of many young (and now older) college students since 2001. I have made it my job to help any one of these kids where and how ever I can. These have been individuals who have I have either supervised, advised, or just randomly met through another student. I take pride in knowing that I mentored young adults that still come to me for advice on life.

For better or worse, I am an artist, a poet (or word ninja). I love to string together words and phrases to come up with a product that I like. I have mentioned this some time ago that I write for nobody else but me. I am ok with putting things out there for people to read because that is what writers/artists do.

I am a leader. I have never ever believed in following the status quo. I don’t like to do the things that everyone else is doing. If something does not seem right, I try to address it. If I can help make things better than I will try. However, I will follow those who are worth following and not because it is the cool thing to do.

More importantly, I am a lover. Believe it or not, I’m the most sentimental guy that I can think of. I love my life, my school, my job, my family, my friends, my girlfriend, and my dog. I’m not even sure if that list is complete. I also love to laugh and make other people laugh. My humor is what makes me…me. I have faith in the human spirit and the human nature. In fact, I have been known to put too much faith in people and have often paid the price for that.

But, you know what? I am ok with that because I truly believe that everyone in my life, for however short or long that may be in it, has a purpose. So, no, I am not YOUR Superman. I am just a Human that makes mistakes like everyone else.

Blogging, Juno Diaz, my life, writing

Inside My Head

So many things going on in my head. I feel almost overwhelmed with creative energy over the last several weeks. I am not sure where exactly it is coming from but it makes me think a lot about where I want to be and where I do not want to be. I have been in a place where I can be the best of me and I have been in a place of pure complacency. Yet, there is a feeling that is driving me and I will try very hard to go with it.

Let me just say that this is my second attempt to write this post considering that I lost the first blog after I had written the entire thing. So I am a little sad that all that this will not be the same thing I wrote a few days ago…

Perhaps it is New York City. I think about the those athletes who are either free agents or traded from one team to another and they have incredible success. They light the place up because the change of scenery was good for them and their competitive juices. I am starting to feel the same way because this is such a fast paced city. You need to be doing something or you are really doing nothing.

I think the move to a new apartment may be considered. A brand new space with a brand new beginning. I think there is so much potential that it gets me excited for what could happen next, not only in my personal life but in my creative life as well. Just living in a buzzing neighborhood is enough to know that being complacent is not an option.

Maybe it is the goals that I accomplished in the past that has made me hungry for more. There is something about doing what you would you said you would do that just feels good. It gives me a sense of purpose to really believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. It may also be moving blog sites too. I haven’t written this often it quite some time.

It could always be Junot Diaz. I know that may sounds a little weird but after reading his last book, This Is How You Lose Her, it gave me the sense that I can do what I want to do. His writing speaks to me on many levels. I am not merely talking about the subject matter but rather the way he says the things that he does. There are the little nuggets of information in his books that makes me realize exactly what his intentions are. Then there are the things he doesn’t say with his writings that just as profound. I feel that I have a vagueness in my style and I hope to cultivate it even further.

The problem with all of this is that while I have started writing (8 chapters of a book if I may be precise), all the rest of it are inside my head. That is kind of funny when I think about it. Inside My Head being the title of my former blog. I named it that because I felt the words to my existence were trapped within my brain and I just need to get all the thoughts and emotions out. Now the only thing I have left is the creative side that I need to pull out.

Yet, as always, there is the fear that motivates me as well as holds me back. I am motivated by it because I do not want that complacency that I felt in Syracuse to come back. I have always told people that that Syracuse has a way of sinking it’s claws into you and not letting you move. I felt that it took me way too long to move on from that city, Yet, I am held back by fear because quite frankly, new things and potential success can become frightening prospects when you consider that failure can and will be involved. However, there is only so much I will allow fear to hold me up. It may delay things but I have seen that overcoming fear is not as hard as one would think.

Afro Latino, Latinegas Project, Latinos, my life

A Little About Me…

I feel the need for a little reintroduction. There is so much newness around me that has sparked an array of inspiration so far in 2013. New Office, New Apartment, and New Blog; I have to admit this is going well especially since I am getting new followers. This makes me think about the fact that many people are probably wondering what I am about…and even of you aren’t I should just explain anyway.

First and foremost, I consider myself a Latino man. More importantly, I consider myself Afro-Latino. I know that this term has gotten popular over the years and as plotted out my digital identity, I came up with the name Latinegro (which is something I did not invent). I got the name from Marta Cruz-Janzen who wrote some articles that lead me to write a major research paper for a graduate class I took a few years back. In my mind, she coined the phrase Latinegro and I have been using it every since.

It is important for me to state this because I believe that identity is important. It is one of things that makes us who were are. I cannot tell you how many college student I have run into over the years that simply do not know who they are…or perhaps they do know, but just have trouble accepting it. The acceptance of oneself is so very important in a lifetime because it is that catharsis that will really lead to success. That is why I have made sure I spend much of my blog about race and Afro Latinos in particular.

I define Afro Latino as someone who has African and Hispanic bloodlines (this does not exclude Haitians or Brazilians). This can include just about all Latinos, however, the real difference is their own acceptance. There are many of us who feel that Latinos are not Black or African American. Some will defend this point based on whatever facts they can try to dig up. There is a stigma to be being dark skinned and it a shame, but not all that surprising. What so many Latinos do not understand is that the plight on of the African American is also their plight because we live in a black and white world where you are either one or the other (based on skin color) in most cases.

Of course, Latinos have issues specific to them when it comes to immigration and places like Arizona that have made racial profiling a reality. Unfortunately, Latinos are used to this fight. We have been dealing with immigration and access issues well before World War 2. The commercialized version of Latinos look very much like the typical Mexican images you tend to see when we talk about immigration issues in the South West. The idealized version of Latinos tends to be the more the Rick Martin look; light skinned, dark (good) hair, light eyes, and over-sexualized. The less idealized look tends to be the David Ortiz look which is dark skinned, heavy accent, and wool hair (pelo malo). The great thing about understanding race is that Latinos are all three of these which can lead to a lot of scratching heads. The Census Bureau barely knows how to categorize us which leads us not understand what it is we are.

This is why the Latinegr@s Project had to be created. When I co-founded this group it was with the purpose of educating people about Afro Latinos and showing pride in what we are. This where we have lead to the discovery of and within ourselves as well as help people like us discover what they are. This is not just to say that we solely deal with Afro Latinos either. We champion those who are oppressed which is why posts can range from homosexuality to Native Americans.

Well, that seeed like such a long reintroduction, but I figured this is something I need to put on here now. As I get along in my new location here on wordpress, I am sure there will be other things I will feel the need to reiterate. While this blog is mostly about my life, there will be other things that will bleed into my posts. Just wait until I start writing about my other love…comic books.