Inside My Head

creativity

So many things going on in my head. I feel almost overwhelmed with creative energy over the last several weeks. I am not sure where exactly it is coming from but it makes me think a lot about where I want to be and where I do not want to be. I have been in a place where I can be the best of me and I have been in a place of pure complacency. Yet, there is a feeling that is driving me and I will try very hard to go with it.

Let me just say that this is my second attempt to write this post considering that I lost the first blog after I had written the entire thing. So I am a little sad that all that this will not be the same thing I wrote a few days ago…

Perhaps it is New York City. I think about the those athletes who are either free agents or traded from one team to another and they have incredible success. They light the place up because the change of scenery was good for them and their competitive juices. I am starting to feel the same way because this is such a fast paced city. You need to be doing something or you are really doing nothing.

I think the move to a new apartment may be considered. A brand new space with a brand new beginning. I think there is so much potential that it gets me excited for what could happen next, not only in my personal life but in my creative life as well. Just living in a buzzing neighborhood is enough to know that being complacent is not an option.

Maybe it is the goals that I accomplished in the past that has made me hungry for more. There is something about doing what you would you said you would do that just feels good. It gives me a sense of purpose to really believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. It may also be moving blog sites too. I haven’t written this often it quite some time.

It could always be Junot Diaz. I know that may sounds a little weird but after reading his last book, This Is How You Lose Her, it gave me the sense that I can do what I want to do. His writing speaks to me on many levels. I am not merely talking about the subject matter but rather the way he says the things that he does. There are the little nuggets of information in his books that makes me realize exactly what his intentions are. Then there are the things he doesn’t say with his writings that just as profound. I feel that I have a vagueness in my style and I hope to cultivate it even further.

The problem with all of this is that while I have started writing (8 chapters of a book if I may be precise), all the rest of it are inside my head. That is kind of funny when I think about it. Inside My Head being the title of my former blog. I named it that because I felt the words to my existence were trapped within my brain and I just need to get all the thoughts and emotions out. Now the only thing I have left is the creative side that I need to pull out.

Yet, as always, there is the fear that motivates me as well as holds me back. I am motivated by it because I do not want that complacency that I felt in Syracuse to come back. I have always told people that that Syracuse has a way of sinking it’s claws into you and not letting you move. I felt that it took me way too long to move on from that city, Yet, I am held back by fear because quite frankly, new things and potential success can become frightening prospects when you consider that failure can and will be involved. However, there is only so much I will allow fear to hold me up. It may delay things but I have seen that overcoming fear is not as hard as one would think.

Is Monogamy Dead?

thisishowyouloseher

It has been a long time since I have written anything about relationships. Most of my entries have been when I was single and newly divorced. So when my woman and I were talking about how monogamy seems to be something in the past, I knew that was my opportunity to really write about something about men and woman as I once used to.

I have been in a book club for about 2 years now, maybe a little longer, and we have read many things. Last month the choice was This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz. I’m not quite done with it yet (I know…it was LAST month’s book), but there are some major themes here about relationships. Clearly the title gives a hint about what this book will be about and I will try not to talk too much about the contents of the book so that you can read it for yourself.

One question that may pop into your mind when reading this book may be, “Is Monogamy dead?” The book is a series of short stories that are about the different ways a man can fuck up his relationships. One can go deeper and say these are different ways a Dominican man has fucked up this relationships. Which ever case it may be, it leads to serious thoughts about the thought process of a man and how he perceives the women he loves and the women he cheats with.

As I read the book, I do not view myself in any of these scenarios. Another words, I personally do not believe that this is a representation of every man. I do, however, think that it describes many guys and how they think about love and life. What we see here is that the man in the stories often loves the woman he is in a relationship with but still chooses to go and cheat anyway (knowing that it is wrong). Some reasons for this are stated and others are ambiguous to suggest that some times men do not even understand the things they do.

Thinking about real life outside the context of this book, we are subjected to constant stories about divorce. Normally, it is on the Hollywood scene where marriages seem to last less than 2 years, but realistically, divorce has always been on the rise. What is the reason for this? Is it that monogamy is slowly become a thing of the past? Clearly I cannot answer these questions because I truly do not know. However, I do feel that the world is a lot less smaller than it once was. I also think that women are more empowered to make critical decisions about their life and their mates.

This is not say that Feminism has killed marriage. Nor is it to say that it is always the man that is fucking up the relationship (although we do not do ourselves any favors). I think we have more choices than people did 100 years ago. Strictly speaking, I am referring to life within the United States and I can tell you that this country is all about about choices. Women are career oriented with goals that include being as successful as possible. Their grandmothers never had that ability. Many times we look at the elderly who have been married for like 50-70 years and we are all wonder how in the world did they do that. Many people say it is true love. I think it might be true tolerance.

The older generations didn’t believe in divorce as much. I am quite sure there were a number of indiscretions that men have had in which his wife just dealt with it. That is not the case any more. Women can choose not to deal with it and find another mate. The reality is that monogamy is billed in the country as something we need to attain and retain because family values are part of the American Dream. Think about that for a minute. Most people are looking to get married, get a house (or condo), have 1.5 kids, and a pet. Nothing at all prepares us for divorce.

With that being said, my own divorce was something that I take much responsibility for. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in monogamy, it was that I was too immature to really embrace it. This is what really lies within the center of man. There was never a point where I told myself that I would have to deal with being with the same women all my life. I never freaked out about that. However, for some reason, I always knew that I would eventually get a divorce. I was just lying to myself about it. I always had a feeling there would be a wife number 2. Perhaps that was my experience with the rampant divorce in my family, or maybe it was something deeper.

Does this mean that monogamy is dead. I don’t think so. I can go on Facebook right now and point out at least 15 -20 couples who seem genuinely happy. Those people who have been either married longer than I was or perhaps seem more together than I ever was. I think that monogamy is still there, we just tend to focus on the divorces and the break ups. Yes, men are assholes but that has to do with our own issues that women can’t really fix until men are ready to be fixed.

Why?


I have been spending the last couple of days thinking about why I really started this blog. What is the purpose of me writing to a few friends and virtual strangers. When I lived in NYC, I used to blog everyday about life as a New Yorker. I would write about my various mis-adventures in the subway or my experience with how crappy America Online was. Come to think of it there was no cable modems or wireless routers that I have come to enjoy so much. But, I digress. When I finally chose my career path, the time that I once had for writing disappeared.

The last few years have been very challenging for me personally and professionally and what I have discovered is that I did not have a way to express myself. I wrote a few short stories here and there, even did some poetry. All, which I must say, are rather good. But blogging just does something that the other forms of writing doesn’t. It is about maintaining a certain discipline. I made such a broad sweeping resolution for New Years which I can only describe as me redefining who I am.

A part of that is me being able to finish something I start, which is hard to do when you are writing a story long or short. Then, there is the part of me that looks for gratification in pleasing others. Some would consider me a pretty nice guy, however I am not writing this blog for the benefit of others. I write for me. To say that I do not care if people read my blog or not would be false. I welcome the criticism because it would make me better. Then it hits me. I want to be better at everything. I felt for years I have just been passing through life just being average. Because I can get away with it.

The best advice I have received was from Juno Diaz, the Pulitzer prize author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, who came to speak at Syracuse University. In his talk, he expressed that he simply did not care about what people thought about his writing. He wrote because that is what he loved to do. Juno was going to do it his way and take as long as he wanted until his writing was good enough to satisfy himself. If you ever read his books, then you would know how amazing he truly is.

The funny thing is, I wanted to be a comic book writer. I wanted to write stories about Latino superheros from the Bronx that saved the world a dozen times over. Even as a kid, I knew that dark Latinos were not represented in any form of entertainment outside of Baseball. Which brings me to the other reason for the blog. I call myself a latinegro, which can be described as a Negro Latino, or a Afro-Latino, or just black. I have come to understand how I am placed in this world, particularly when I started taking Masters Courses in Race and Ethnicity. I have very radical opinions about my people. I once had my father tell me not to date a black woman, in which I can only respond, “that is hard to do when I look like my mother”.

Let this not be about my father or any of my family since they are just cogs in a larger society that tells them that having lighter skin is just better. I mean, look at Univision and Telemundo and tell me how many Afro Latinos you see in the Novelas? Better yet, name 5 famous Latino Negros that are not David Ortiz or Rosario Dawson? Here is the best question of the night…Have you ever seen a black Mexican?

I am writing this blog because the truth hurts.