So many things going on in my head. I feel almost overwhelmed with creative energy over the last several weeks. I am not sure where exactly it is coming from but it makes me think a lot about where I want to be and where I do not want to be. I have been in a place where I can be the best of me and I have been in a place of pure complacency. Yet, there is a feeling that is driving me and I will try very hard to go with it.
Let me just say that this is my second attempt to write this post considering that I lost the first blog after I had written the entire thing. So I am a little sad that all that this will not be the same thing I wrote a few days ago…
Perhaps it is New York City. I think about the those athletes who are either free agents or traded from one team to another and they have incredible success. They light the place up because the change of scenery was good for them and their competitive juices. I am starting to feel the same way because this is such a fast paced city. You need to be doing something or you are really doing nothing.
I think the move to a new apartment may be considered. A brand new space with a brand new beginning. I think there is so much potential that it gets me excited for what could happen next, not only in my personal life but in my creative life as well. Just living in a buzzing neighborhood is enough to know that being complacent is not an option.
Maybe it is the goals that I accomplished in the past that has made me hungry for more. There is something about doing what you would you said you would do that just feels good. It gives me a sense of purpose to really believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. It may also be moving blog sites too. I haven’t written this often it quite some time.
It could always be Junot Diaz. I know that may sounds a little weird but after reading his last book, This Is How You Lose Her, it gave me the sense that I can do what I want to do. His writing speaks to me on many levels. I am not merely talking about the subject matter but rather the way he says the things that he does. There are the little nuggets of information in his books that makes me realize exactly what his intentions are. Then there are the things he doesn’t say with his writings that just as profound. I feel that I have a vagueness in my style and I hope to cultivate it even further.
The problem with all of this is that while I have started writing (8 chapters of a book if I may be precise), all the rest of it are inside my head. That is kind of funny when I think about it. Inside My Head being the title of my former blog. I named it that because I felt the words to my existence were trapped within my brain and I just need to get all the thoughts and emotions out. Now the only thing I have left is the creative side that I need to pull out.
Yet, as always, there is the fear that motivates me as well as holds me back. I am motivated by it because I do not want that complacency that I felt in Syracuse to come back. I have always told people that that Syracuse has a way of sinking it’s claws into you and not letting you move. I felt that it took me way too long to move on from that city, Yet, I am held back by fear because quite frankly, new things and potential success can become frightening prospects when you consider that failure can and will be involved. However, there is only so much I will allow fear to hold me up. It may delay things but I have seen that overcoming fear is not as hard as one would think.