As I have gotten older, I do see that love is much more complicated than just it just happening. I can easily be a person that says that love stinks but that would be crass and not true. But, I can say that love is something that I simply have not had much luck with. Of course, in saying that, I do realize that I have had my faults when it comes to make things work when it come to relationships. I certainly do not want to come across as a man that thinks I am not at any fault for my own failures with love.
Let me point out that I thinking out loud here. I am not sure I even have a clear definition of love. At one point, I could tell you that love is something that you feel and then from there who knows what happens. I want to say that love is something that is shared, but there are often situations that it is not. However, I am starting to think that love is something that a person has and they choose to share with special people in their lives.
Of course there are different versions of love but it all comes from one place, the heart. I think about the numerous amount of times that I have had my heart broken…and I am not even talking about women that I have been in love with. A perfect example would be last night. I was speaking my 10 year niece (she is really Josie’s niece). She wanted to know if I was moving far way because of my divorce. I told her that I was moving but not too far away so that she could not see me. I knew she was sad because she really thinking that she may not see me again. Thus my heart breaks ever so slowly.
I guess the real reason for questioning my own definition of love is because I am the type of person who tends to follow my heart. As much as I can over think things and analyze them to death, it all comes down to following my heart, right or wrong. While I am not sure if that is the best thing to do, it is what it is. There are times in which I feel pretty confident about life and then there are times in which I just feel defeated. Nevertheless, I do know that anything is possible so it just really depends on the day with me.
What really throws me for a loop is the close relationship that love and fate have. I have said many times on this blog that I do not believe in fate. I do not think that there is a universal script that says we will end up exactly where we need to be no matter what. I would like to believe in choice. I believe that we choose our path. We decide what is the best course of action is on any given day thus our lives end up the way they do based on our own actions. I think this is a wonderful argument against fate and destiny….except for the fact that I am not sure we choose who to fall in love with…
See, again, sometimes it just happens. We can deny it if we want, but I am not entirely sure we can help who we fall for. So what does that mean? If we do not willingly choose who we love (because we certainly do not choose our family either) then what is that? Fate? Destiny? You can see how this troubles me. It is bad enough that I feel that I lack control of most of my life and I cannot control what I dream. So what does all this mean?
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people tell me that they have no idea why they fell in love with a certain person. Then there are those people I see who are in denial of actually being in love. So then does that mean that saying “You don’t choose love, love chooses you” is true? Hell, if that is the case then I need to seriously need to evaluate my view on fate. But, let me be very clear here. I used to believe in fate. I used to be believe in destiny. But, over the last few years I have become very rigid in my view of these things. I have lost faith.
I lost faith in so many things and that has effected me. I did not realize this until about a week ago and I am not talking about religion. I am talking about faith in my myself and in my view of the world. I over think things because I have failed so much that I am afraid to fail again, while fully knowing that failure is the only true path to success. I want to be confident that things will go well. I know many people think it is silly of me to feel this way because they see me as a guy who has so many things going for him.
My definition of love is ever changing right now. I am not sure what it is. But I am sure of what it isn’t. I guess I may just have to let go of the wheel and let fate decide…