Last Decade until the Next…

Last of 2010 and I have been thinking about my life all day. I made a very brief trip to Harvard yesterday with my cousin because she had some errands to do. Neither one of us wanted her to drive alone so I went along for a nice ride. I have to admit that I do like Harvard. I didn’t see as much of it as I should have but, that will be another reason to go and see her again in the future. Maybe it will be one of my first trips of 2011.

I wasn’t going to write anything tonight but I decided to because I am somewhat disappointed in myself. I wanted to finish the year with 150 blogs and clearly that will not be happening. I wanted to at least do one more entry before the year ends so, as usual, I am writing from the heart.

I haven’t really thought about any resolutions, which is odd for me. I have been on survival mode for such a long time that there is narrow view of where I want to go. I don’t want to think that the difference between this year and last year was 50+ blogs because I think there were many posts in 2009 that were straight up trash in my opinion. However, I think that since I am always in a constant state of thought, it now takes me longer to figure what I am going to write about without repeating myself.

I am also disappointed in myself because my bio for Sara Lawrence College is killing me.  I am up to my third draft because the other two versions sound like short story. So I have decided to make mine sound like I have an entry in Wikipedia. Once I started doing this I realized how much I hate writing this way. Plus, I am 36 years old and I have a lot of story to tell! I have to squeeze everything into a 1000 words.

What also has not escaped my attention is the fact that one decade has ended. I think about my last 10 years and I can barely fathom the fact that I have known people who have been born and other people who have died. I have witnessed many tragedies and lived through one. But me being married and divorced within this decade, I am not sure I would have ever foreseen that a decade ago.

Then I think about where my heart has been over that same amout of time. I think about my maturity level. I am a totally different person. I have learned so much that I have trouble keeping it all straight. So not only do I not have a resolution for this New Years…but I am looking into the next decade with no exceptions. I have a literal clean slate that I can do anything with and it is kinda scary.

The only think I can so do is just try my best to be a better version of myself. I think I would like to start hoping more and dreaming less. Happy New Year!

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