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National Poetry Month, poetry

Poem #2 My Next


If I had a crystal ball
I can tell where you are
and then I can pass
to you this note
in hopes that it will
find you well enough
as if it was me
searching for you
the Next one
the one who will
put the others to rest
the one who will
pass the test
the one who
finally shows me
that I am not crazy
to give up that beating
muscle that resides
behind my damaged chest bone
that has been cracked open
many times
like an egg against a bowl

the next one
my future woman
that will be everything
I can imagine
that will meet the expectations
without the games
the rolling eyes
and the propensity
to make everything about her
because we would be a partnership

Maybe I know you now
or maybe I don’t
but this poem is for you
all the nights of solitude
sleeping with multiple pillows
just to feel comfortable
will pay off like hitting
the numbers in the Mega Millions
you will be the next winner 
National Poetry Month, poetry

Poem #1 Replace

I have replaced my pen
with a keyboard
my dell
with a mac
my heart
for a hole
my life
for a stagnant death
my choices
for a thing called fate
A season of change
and I am still the same
with the same issues
running in place on a treadmill
works on the physical
but not on the mental
my presence may be forsaken
but my poems can’t be taken
the keyboard acts like
tiny little “easy buttons”
that act like
control rods
in a nuclear reactor
holding in every
fucking emotion
before I explode
I replace my emotions
with silence
because I simply
can longer release
the odor of that stagnant death
that surrounds my being
that gets held back
like a kid repeating the 4th grade
who never seems to learn
that if you put 2 & 2 together
you better get the same answer
although I often do
addition by subtraction
with my heart
whether it is a letter
or a phone call
saying that I am not good enough
my will is stronger
than any disappointment
than any rejection
because I will replace failure
with success
I will not be known as a have not
or a never will be
i will replace that death with life
that fate to choice
and my holed heart
with a whole heart 
National Poetry Month

National Poetry Month 2011

It is that time of year again for me. I know that did this last year and I was a bit wet behind the ears because I wasn’t sure I could do 30 poems in 30 days. I struggled with the notion that I was indeed a poet. Fast forward a year later and I realize that I am one. I was nervous because I was not really sure I can produce this type of work because I base everything I do on emotion.

I have discovered many things about myself over the past year. I also realized several different forms of writing and poetry. Haikus are something that I have been toying with and being creative with lately. My creative juices have been some what stifled by recent disappointments, yet my emotional level has been so very high. Anger, sadness, frustration, mixed in with a few moments joy and satisfaction. This is something I want to capture within this month.

I am not sure exactly how I am going to do this, I want to post my poems on my tumblr but I definitely want to post them on here. I think I will just do both because I learned that I have different audiences. As I write this I am only thinking about the feelings inside my chest. It is only April and I feel like it has been a long year.

So once again. Welcome to my heart and my head. It will be a ride for the next 30 days.

dating, my life, time

Time

One of the most valuable things we have in life is time. We do not think about time as a point of value, at least I didn’t so much when I was younger. We give up our time to so many things like school, work, and to our loved ones. Depending on your point of view giving time to ourselves can be the better than all of the above.  Time is a precious commodity that many of take for granted because they do not understand it’s personal value.

Businesses and Higher Education understand the value of time. There are many programs that are offered to students that have to with time management skills. How one spends their time is very important in balancing social activity with academic requirements. Employers are very keen in looking for those students who can manage their time effectively. Work-life issues come into play often because each one of us should be able to work and live. Often enough, one seems to out weights the other.

I am a believer in a healthy work ethic and being able to get ahead by any means necessary. Many times, being a person of color means that you have to work harder than your white counterpart and even if that is not the reality, it sure does feel like it. So those of us who work hard often find that out that our social lives are effected based on the level of success that we are willing to attain.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine (and fellow blogger) a few weeks ago and it was actually a bit of an argument because at first I was not feeling what she was telling me. We talked about how busy our work lives can be and the potential for a dating life seemed low. I know that I have been adamant that I am not ready to date based on the uncertainty of my life and for the fact that I am simply too busy. Her response was very clear: We all make time for what we want.

This was a statement that took me back a bit. I was thinking that this cannot be true because I know that I am a busy person. I work all the time and this doesn’t effect my…social…life (pause). Of course, my point is that anyone of us can be legitimately busy with something but then she pointed out that often times people use that as excuse to blow off other people. Not that blowing off people is always a bad thing but let’s call it what it is. There are times where we do not want to speak to someone for whatever reason even if we really love them.

Time is a precious thing that we may not use to the best of our ability. Sure, some of us get paid at our places of employment but what about the time we place for ourselves? We choose to share time with others if we want. We choose to decide if we are too busy for that 5 minute phone call to our parents or friends. While those 5 minutes may seem like a burden for some, that small increment of time may mean the world to others. Time has a value that we cannot fully comprehend until it is too late.

As I get older, I feel the weight of time just in its intrinsic value. I am still a young man but, I have seem what time has done to the people around me. I have seen the effects of drugs, stress, loneliness, and crime. I have seen what happens when you settle for something that is less then what is deserved and toll it takes on a person. I personally know what it is like to make a mistake and spend years in a blind state before realizing it.  We take time for granted because we think we have enough of it.

Yet, time is both finite and infinite.

fate, Japan, my life

Thoughts of Japan

Time like these we need to understand our place in this world. I think that so many times we are caught up in our own messes that we do not see what is going on around us. Japan is still suffering from a massive earthquake and tsunami (as well as over 700 aftershocks). The threat of a nuclear meltdown is still out there and that makes Japan seem almost unlivable. All this makes me very sad and forces me to remind myself of my own privilege.

I remind myself that I cannot take my disappointments all to heart because I still have a roof over my head. I still have a job for me to go to. I know that when I call my parents and my friends, they are still there and not buried under rubble some where. I cannot even imagine the level of loss that the Japanese have been through, but I do know that it is greater than any personal loss or heartbreak than I have ever faced.

I think I complain about fate and how unfair it is from me to still be here in Syracuse, but in the grand scheme of things, it does not really mean much. I think that perhaps I am still here for a reason. Maybe there is something that is keeping me here until I have completed some task. Whatever the case is, I know that complaining about my life is something that privileged people do.

My parents worked hard to make sure that I didn’t have certain experiences and even though I grew up n the Bronx, I was not in the element. That could have been due to overprotection or perhaps my family made sure I was never in the wrong place at the wrong time. My father had instilled in me this fear that had I taken drugs, my ass would suffer a beating that I may never recover from. All in all, I turned out in a position that allowed me to be where I am now.

Yet, I think about how it would be to lose everything. To wake up one day and everything is just gone. I think we place so much value on things that do not matter in the end. We cannot take money or possessions with us when we die. It can be seen first hand in many of the tsunami videos how entire cities are swept way. Cars, houses, people, livestock, everything just gone in what some would call an act of God type of event.

I mentioned on Facebook how sad I was that Japan may never be the same. Sure, I have never been there but do I have to have been there to understand that a whole country is just devastated? The earthquake was so bad that the island moved 8 inches. Some people have the nerve to say that this was payback for Pearl Harbor (which is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard). Only people who do not understand history would make remarks like that. Not to mention that earthquakes are natural events that every planet has. The land masses on this world have been moving for thousands of years and nothing with stop that.

So what should we take from this? Something that I have always said, we need to tell the ones we love that we do love them. Life is short, plain and simple. Sure, maybe I am emotional about it, but those who truly love us will understand this.

Below is the scariest video I have seen. Please keep Japan in your thoughts and prayers.

my life, November Media Group

Photo Shoot

One of the good things that did happen to me in my week off in New York was my photo-shoot. This was something that I wanted to do since I joined the ranks of the November Media Group. I wanted to do it up here in Syracuse but that didn’t work out. At the time, I figured this would be great to sort of get myself amped up for my possible return to NYC since I was awaiting the letter from Sarah Lawrence.

I was told that I needed 3 outfits and I figured that would be easy since I had brought some nice clothes,  including a new coat that I bought late last year. My photographer is Sandra Guzman from 2DreamArtists.com. I was given her name by a good friend and fellow blogger. I did check out her website and saw some of her work so I knew I was in good hands.

Originally, we were supposed to have the photo-shoot someone where in Manhattan, but the weather was not exactly what we wanted, so we pushed it from a wednesday to a friday. It was significantly hotter that day and it forced me to make a last minute decision on the 3rd outfit. I was going to go with a colder look with a coat or a sweater but the sun was blazing that day and it ended up being a Mets shirt (don’t judge me, it’s almost baseball season).

I look at the pictures and I’m almost in awe of myself. I told someone that I think everyone should do this just to do it. I think that it is a great way to boost an ego. Now, this does not mean I am getting a big head. I still think I am ok looking. I just like the color of my shirts and how it really comes out in these photographs. This one picture really shocked me because you can see how brown my eyes are. I do not recall anyone picture before this when I can really see that.

I am happy with the results because I think that it shows me in a different light. It also made me want to do it again. What is funny is that some of my friends like to mess with me and ask me: “Don’t you already take enough pictures of yourself?” My response is simple: I am just loving myself. Sure, there is clearly a professional purpose to what I am doing, but sometimes we just need to show appreciation to ourselves because none of us should wait for someone else to give it to us.

I still find myself learning about me and my motivations. I am really getting to point that I can do stuff for myself and not for others. This photos are more for me than anyone else (although, I have a feeling my dad will be asking for copies). I believe there was a total of 80 pictures and I had to pick 10. I personally, liked 5. So, I needed to ask others to help me in my decision. Between friends and family I was finally able to get to 10 photos.

I never liked pictures of me smiling because I feel it captures me in a certain way. I feel that I show too much teeth, but to be honest there is a deep rooted reason on why I do not like to show my teeth. I had braces when I younger because my teeth was just not right. It was one more thing for kids to make fun of me, so I always tried not to smile so much. The only problem with this is that I love to laugh! So, ironically enough, my favorite photos are those of me smiling. I think that this was captured very well.

I think it is interesting how other people view me because different people liked different pictures when I was choosing my 10. Of course many of those are ones I didn’t like. I think it showed me the different phases in my life. I think that my ‘serious’ look might make me look tense or angry. I simply just had my mouth closed trying to relax. I do believe that I may not have been totally relaxed during the shoot but I am satisfied with the results regardless.

Quite frankly. I want to just look back at these pictures and remember this phase of my life. I can look at my old photos on Facebook and realize that I do not even recognize myself. I just look different to me as if it was just either another life time or an alternate reality. In either case, I think these photos are the closest representation of the real me.

fate, my life

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

They say that everything happens for a reason. Lord knows that I tell this to everyone that I give advice to. The problem I have is that I tend to not listen to my own advice. I never pretend that my life is as bad as other people because I know better.  What I do know is that the price of experience is strength and with each experience I seem to gain tons of strength. My question is, when do I cash in on all this strength I am gaining?

Disappointments come and go because they are a part of the life we all live, very much like a stellar nebula that becomes a star that eventually dies out after burning so brightly; it is the way of the universe. The events that unfold in my life never seem to leave me with a dull moment. Mistakes are made, hearts are broken, and yet dreams are created in all the mess. You, the universe, have the power to make us all feel like the phoenix. We can burn deeply with regret and remorse and somehow be reborn with hope.

I have been blessed with many friends and I can thank God for them. They make me aware that the universe, in all it’s glory, is working in my favor. Of course, I am not very sure how this is working. I thought that at times I can see you work in all the things that happen around me. I try to take heed of the signs I see and take advantage of the opportunities, but yet, each door closes.

I am fortunate to believe that everyone who comes and goes from my life are here for a purpose. Evidence of this is when I got that letter from Sarah Lawrence College. I had many people show me so much support and it made my resolve stronger. I wasn’t thinking about the universe and how everything that is meant to be will be. I think about my work life, my love life, and my family life and I cant help but wonder if things will get better because this cannot be all the universe has to offer. I know that life is beautiful and I just wish I can see more of that.

When I commented that I was tired of losing, a good friend of mine who I advised at one point in my life, told me this: “You’re not losing! The universe is working towards what is right for you. It’s working at the right pace. You’re gonna need to trust and accept that things can’t be rushed as much as we many want it ‘now’.” In many ways, I know you put this person in my life to tell me a this exact thing so that I cannot get discouraged. Yet, another good friend told me that Sarah Lawrence was probably not a good fit for me anyway because I can be a writer without them.  The universe has ways of working without us knowing it because you put her here too to fuel my fire further.

I read once that if you want something bad enough the universe will conspire to get it for you. Well, I am fighting hard to get what I want and maybe a rejection letter is a pathway to a new door. This is something that will remain to be seen.

I will continue to help students get where they need to go. I am just asking for the same for myself.

Sincerely,
Latinegro

Masters Degree, my life

I am a Survivor.

A culmination of months of hard work was summed up in one letter that I raced home to read. I opened that letter from Sarah Lawrence College. I was not accepted in the MFA program. I simply closed the letter and placed it in with a pile of other rejection letters that I have received over the last 2 years. I am not happy but I am not sad either. Quite frankly, I am mad.

I am mad because I feel like I cannot escape this place. I know that I put my business out there for all, so it doesn’t bother me that I can yell out into an open space and say “I want to go to graduate school!” I believe in my heart that I will do this. I believe that I will become what I want to be come. If anyone who knows me knows that when I get pissed off, I become determined.

I see these rejections of job opportunities and now grad school apps as people telling me that I cannot do something, that I cannot be what I want to be. This is not going to happen. I am more determined to be successful and more determined to be more than what I am right now.

I am just tired of being told I am not good enough. Let me say right now that I am better than good enough. No one has walked in my shoes and has taken the shit that I have taken. No one can understand how patient I have been with all the people and events in my life. People love to judge me and think that I am not going to make it, but I got some news for you: I am not going out like that.

From this point on I will raise the level of my game. I will apply to Sarah Lawrence again, but she no longer the only school I will apply to. So she needs to know I plan on seeing other people. I followed my heart and now my heart will follow me. I will broaden my focus and my horizon. I will continue to write and I will continue to create and I will make a list of school tomorrow to apply to. I am also not limiting myself to just schools. I am putting myself back on the job market.

As a matter of fact, I am taking that letter from the pile and posting it up on my wall. I want to be reminded of this. I want to see this everyday so I can be reminded that I am meant for something bigger. I am better than my undergraduate grades, I am better than any graduate school fee, I am simply better than what I was an hour ago when I read that letter. So, please do not feel sorry that I did not get in, feel happy that something finally got me to be angry enough to see my full potential.

It has been in my nature to take time and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself, but not anymore.  It is time to make my own destiny.

I am tired of losing. I am a sore loser and I plan on winning. I am not bitter, I am better.

Masters Degree, my life, prayer, religion

Three Candles.

St. Patricks Cathedral

So I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I prayed…in a church. Sure, I have prayed before and I feel that I have conversations with God every so often, but I do not see myself as a religious person. Perhaps more spiritual more than religious. In any case, I want to St Patrick’s Cathedral and I prayed for my life.

I do not get into religion much but it is safe to say that I am a recovering catholic. I have 12 years of catholic school under my belt and I can tell you that my thoughts of organized religion are not good. Over the rest of my years, I think I have developed some sort of relationship with God. In the end, I think that is the most important thing. I rather have that individual relationship than have group tell me how I should live my life and who are the sinners.

Although being a Latino means that you have certain belief of the spirit world. I am not stranger to this and while I wont get into them all right now, I think that there is spirits in this world that are both good and bad. But, they will only effect us if we let them.  So there needs to be the understanding that I do hold those beliefs that were passed down by my family.

I have found myself praying more often than not over the last couple of years. I have prayed for my sanity and for clarity in my life. There were times in which I just did not know what to do and I have to do the one thing that 12 years of catholic school taught me to do. Since then, I think I have been able to just be me and fight hard to get where I am trying to get to.

Last week I called my mother and I said to her that I needed a huge favor from her. I needed her to pray for me. I needed her to know how important getting into Sarah Lawrence is. My cousin got into the Harvard doctoral program last year and I know they prayed for her…lol. That is not to say she is not brilliant because she certainly is. I just know that she had the support and I needed that. I think she was shocked about my request and happily said she would do it…on condition: I needed to find a catholic church, light a candle and pray with the prayer card she sent me last year.

I knew she was going to pray for me and I definitely felt that I needed to complete my end of the deal. I originally looked for catholic churches in Syracuse, but for some reason, I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t feel right going to a church I didn’t know for the first time. That may sound weird, but that is how I felt. So I thought that once I get back to NYC this week I would go the one of the churches of my past schools: Holy Cross on Soundview Ave or St. Raymond’s on Tremont.

Turns out that I went to neither. Today I had several errands to run. I met up with a great friend for lunch and another friend who I haven’t seen since we were kids. All of this in the mid town Manhattan made me realize that I should go to Saint Patrick’s Cathedral. Why such an elaborate place? I have been there several times over my childhood and teenage years. I had my High School graduation there as well. For some reason, it just felt right.

So, I went in and lit 3 candles. I sat in one of the pews and pulled out my prayer card, it was in Spanish. I read it the best I could (which I think is pretty damn good).  When I was done, I thought about all the people in my life. The ones I love. The ones I care about. The ones I worry about. I asked God to not only help me find my way, but to help them. The only thing I really want to do in life is to help people. My way is to help people through words. I know that cannot be too bad.

I felt good when I walked out. I know I checked in on Foursquare that I was there and I got a text from a another friend who saw I was at the cathedral. She asked me if I could pray for her. I told her in so many words: “I already have.”

fate, Masters Degree, November Media Group

Fate Acceptance

This is a big week for me. I have been dealing with many things all at once and I will say that all of it makes me nervous. I think that this is the reason why I have not been posting so much. All of my thoughts are focused on this grad school app. It has made me think about everything; my future, my past, my love life, and my family. But, yet I have had the patience to deal in the only way I know how.

The problem is that I do not want to talk about the same things over and over. I can have 30 blogs just on this subject but then it would only show how neurotic I am getting about this. So, I have been keeping calm, collected, and taking each day as it comes. I try not to think too much about anything in particular. I am also spending the week in NYC to help me pass the time since Syracuse University is currently on spring break.
I have a photo shoot this week that will help promote myself on the November Group site. I am excited for this because this is something that is for me.  I have done photo shoots for work but they are not the same and I do not believe that those photos really capture me in my essence. To be honest, I do not like how I look in many of the pictures that are taken of me, however, I leave them up on Facebook because it what I look like.
The funny thing is that it is not like I have had writer’s block, because that is not true. I have been writing short stories.  I have written and edited one and I have been working on another. Many times I will write because the mood hits me. I think that creatively I am still alive but it is the cultivation that I am working on. I am very much an emotional writer and will write as long as my emotions can carry me. Of course, editing is something completely different. I can write the essence of the story with pure emotion but I do not need to be in the same mood in order to edit and add on. It has been an interesting process.
At this point it is just all about patience. I have come the conclusion that this whole thing is about fate right now. If it was meant for me to get into Sarah Lawrence then I will. I know 2 years ago I wrote several blogs on fate and choice. All of this has made me think about the notion of fate and whether our choices in life make a real difference.  I personally think that we choose the things that happen to us by putting ourselves in the right or wrong situations.
I have put myself in this situation just so other people can decide my fate. This is out of my hands, although, I made sure that I did everything I could to make all the deadlines in order to make this possible. Still, it comes down to someone else’s choice. It makes me think about job interviews and how anyone of us can work hard to present ourselves in a positive light in order for someone else to decide if we are good enough. With interviews, we have a certain level of control because I believe we can control out ability to do well or bomb horribly. This application process in not the same, I feel in less control.
I have been reading about acceptance. I think that acceptance is something that helps my patience and my entire thought process on fate. When it comes down to it, we control my own emotions and no one can make us feel anything. While situations my influence our emotions, we can control our own crazy. I have arrived to this point based on the fact that I cannot make a big deal either way on what happens to me. I cannot get upset when something doesn’t go my way as I once did. The key is always understanding what has the potential to bother us and what is that really upsets us. 
I have accepted my fate, no matter what it is because I know what I was born to do.