The Vague Truth

The truth of the matter is that many of us spend to much time talking and not enough time doing. It is very easy to list out goals and things we would like to do. In fact, there are movies, blogs, and books just dedicated to the pursuit of dreams and what to do in case of the “what if” becomes reality. The question is when do we start to walk the walk that we happen to be talking about?

I have grown tired of the talk, so tired that I have been really slacking in the amount of blogs that I have been writing. I cannot get into, yet another blog, about my dreams and goals because it is not getting me anywhere except for one way ticket to Inception. At least in there you can live out your dreams in an actual dream, but this real life where many people do not seem to dream anymore.

My reality is based on haves and have nots. I know what I have and I know what I do not have. I know what I can live with and what I can live without. There is a measure of sacrifice that we all must have. With sacrifice comes humility. I can be truly humbled by what opportunities come my way because despite wanting to be recognized and revered on some levels, I never come to expect that. With humility comes the ability to connect with others. Sure, people can respect your gangsta. They can respect how you get things done and how you go about climbing the ladder of life, but if you cannot be humble then people will always try to bring you down a peg.

I look at this year so far and I recognize that I have placed all my pawns on the board in front of my real intentions. I have been calculating to a point of being ruthless because I have leaned to be 5 steps ahead and anticipating all the things that may happen. I have been strategic with my decisions with no apology. I have gotten to an age where I cannot care what someone thinks about me, however, I have not given anyone the opportunity to think anything but the best of me. Yet, if they do think about me in a negative way, I am willing to bet money (that I don’t have) that they have either misunderstood me or failed to comprehend the situation.

There are actually four sides to every story, your side, their side, the media distortion, and the truth. When I say media distortion that can be the actual media or a person’s distortion of a Facebook post or Tweet. The truth is always a vague one. I feel sorry for those who see the world as Black and White because in reality we are all various shades of gray (no pun intended).

Poem #4 Pressure Underneath

My feet in the sand
I try to draw that line
but I see the sun setting
me against the world
I feel pressure in my chest
overwhelmed with fear
I can see the tide coming in…
Submerged in my emotions
swimming within the reaches
of my consciousness
I breathe water like air
in search for peace within
the answers lay deep inside
the recess of the choppy waters
that is my mental
Name, faces, dates, and times
blend together in a collage
of images like
a high def movie screen
submerged in a pool
the pressure of deep
watery emotions
causes an explosion
of fears
with the ripple effects
irritating old pain
is it funny how ocean water
taste just like tears
but I swim deeper to see
what is causing the pressure?
is there a monster in my life?
whom do I need to cut out?
the further I go
the clearer the water
I arrive to the answer
the water I breathe
become a source of
a shocking choke
a mirror appears
and I now get the joke
an enemy within
truly the reason as it seems
I wake up in my bed
cursing my dreams

Good Things Come…

Maybe it’s the books that I am reading or the music I have been listening to, but I am getting a definite feeling that good things are about to come.

Let’s start with the books. I am on my third book in a week and a half by the same author, Paulo Coelho. Clearly, I read The Alchemist and the other day I finished The Devil and Ms. Prym. Right now, I am reading Eleven Minutes and it seems to be another great read just like the other two novels. Reading these books make me realize so much about myself and the things around me. While The Alchemist made me realize to never stop dreaming, The Devil and Ms. Prym has made me understand the good people can be tempted to make bad choices, but that does not make them bad people.

Eleven Minutes is about love. One friend told me that this book made her believe in love again. I will say that I need to believe in that again. I know what I saw in the Dominican Republic and I am not entirely sure that is possible for someone like me, but it will be nice to have faith that it can.

There have been many omens that I have been following over the last week and because I have followed them, I am about a day or so away from finally having a roommate. I tossed around the idea of selling the house but in the end, my heart told me I need to really give this one more try. I put up one final ad and I got 2 decent people whom I met and it seems to this point that by July 1, I will have two people living with me.

The meeting with one of them went so well that he was wondering if I would be willing to rent out the 3rd room that I was just using for storage. This is something that I cannot ignore. I may have to take him up on that offer for a possible 3rd roommate by August.

Look, I am hustling. I am trying to get my work done at the job while maintaining a job search. Speaking of which I got what looks like a promising email so I will keep my fingers crossed on that. I made some minor changes to my resume that I feel quite good about. I will not lose my resolve and will continue doing what I must. This does not mean that I am not following through with Plan B of school full time. I have met with some people that have helped me in this process as well. Names were dropped and now I am on my networking flow.

Speaking of books. I started an outline for a book I would like to write in the future. It needs so much work but as I was doing it I began to realize that this is something that can actually be possible. I have a very good friend pushing to get this done and that is what I need. I have written so many blog posts to this point that I know that I can write a book. I just need to put my mind to it. This is a long term goal that I will see to the end.

I had a dream the other day about a hot steaming iron in my room. So like I normally do, I looked it up on and came up with what might be the reason for this:

To see red, hot iron in your dream, represents action. Perhaps the dream is telling you to “strike while the iron is hot”. You need to take advantage of certain opportunities while it is still available.

I think this just says it all to me. I need to keep going. I need to not let anything stop me in my quest to better myself. I know for a fact that I am my worst own enemy. When I feel down or get emotional, I tend to stop and analyze everything around me. This is just a waste of time. I wont do it…not this time.

As far as music goes, I have picked several albums. Drake, Eminem, The Roots, and Marc Anthony. So far I am very much inspired by Eminem’s Recovery Album. He speaks about going to hell and coming back in just about every facet of his life. I feel like I have been on a similar journey.

The Pursuit of My Dream

So the real question for me is…What is my dream? What is it that I wanted to do when I was a child? The only thing that I really wanted to do was write. As a kid, I used to create characters and superheros with elaborate histories and complex stories. This used to be my fantasy. I am not sure where it stopped. But, I was under the impression that comic book writers did not get paid much, so before college, that faded.

Let me mention again that when I was a child that I used write horror stories that involved my classmates. I would let them read it and listen to how amazed they were about how I used my imagination to scare everyone. Of course, as much as I tried to impress the girls that I liked, the guys I perceived to be better looking and less intellectual seemed to get all the attention in the end. So I stopped doing that.

In high school, I used to write sexually charged stories about women I met on the street. Many of them included teachers that have taught me.This is one tidbit of info I have never shared with anyone. I got to the point where I had a note book filled with chapters of, what I would consider now to be, smut. In the end, I felt ashamed that I was 15 and writing thinks about sex that I had no knowledge of. I ended up throwing out the book because I did not need my mother finding any of this.

Once I got to college and realized that I really should not be a History Major, I was looking to do something that I really wanted to do. So one of things I also thought about doing is being a screenplay writer or a play-write. So, in order to transfer to schools within Syracuse University I need to have a certain GPA and I needed to write a 5 minute script. My attempt was to join the school of Visual & Performing Arts because there was no way I was getting into the Newhouse School of Public Communications. So I wrote this script called “Call Your Mother” which was very emotional for me to write. It is about a son and his conflict between his divorced parents. Consequently, I didn’t get in due to my GPA and not the work.

I have actually kept that script. It is just sitting on my hard drive. I have tweaked it from time to time. I was thinking about adding to it, but I wrote it in such a way that is perfect the way it is…to me anyway. Poetry was never really on my mind. I didn’t care for it and I avoided classes about it. However, and again few people knew this, I loved hip hop in the 90’s so much that I used to write rhymes because I was so inspired (talk about lying to yourself)!

Finally, I became an English Major because it only made sense. I loved to write so much that I would correct other people’s papers. Even in high school I made some money doing this. Writing was the only thing that came naturally to me. I would often joke in my 20’s that I would write a book about my life because of some of the things that I have encountered. But, of course, when I graduated in 1996, all I hear is that English Majors do not make much money. So once again…I scraped this idea of being a writer of any kind.

In 1999, I found myself working in Corporate America and feeling very underutilized. The pay was great but I was bored. So I tinkered with the web and created a website. I posted pictures and just did dumb things, but it wasn’t until I read a blog from a woman, that ended up being a good friend of mine, that I began to understand what I blogging was. Her writing was such an inspiration that I had to get to know her. At that point, I create a blog and even had my own domain. (Currently she is re-branding her blog and if I am really lucky…she will guest blog *waving at Nakia*)

However, my writing was amateurish at best. I knew it then. I had nothing worth saying and it showed in the way I wrote. I would talk about my daily life in NYC and Subway stories and while they were funny, that wasn’t the person I was trying to present to the world. I would keep another version of the blog after I moved back to Syracuse on a site called Xanga, but I just wasn’t happy with it. I didn’t know how to find my voice and I didn’t know how to deal with writers block. However, every now and then I would write a blog entry on clearly, I could not let it die.

It wasn’t until January of 2009 that I started this blog and found my voice. Once again it was because I was inspired by a blog that a woman wrote (a different woman, *waving at Brooke* and I am friends with her too!). I had not written anything in 2008 and it showed. I wrote every day until May. Once I really stopped lying about my life and confronted my fears, is when this blog had really taken shape. Now, I manage 2 blogs, the other one being on tumblr for more creative work.

My dreams have shifted over the years and I still very much want to be an author. I also want to be a public speaker as well. There are obstacles in my way and they do slow me down. But after reading The Alchemist, I now know that those obstacles are objects that are placed in my way to make me appreciate my life and all the efforts it is currently taking for me to get where I need to be.

I still have that screenplay and I still have some short stories that I have written. There is also the poetry that seems to pour out of me. My dreams are very much to make an impact on this world. I love working with students and who knows where my Higher Education background will take me…but I do know that this profession pays the bills. Perhaps when I reach my dream…I will pay back all the karma I have spent just to get there.

My Passport…

It is funny how dreams work. I haven’t remembered much of my dreams lately. I think with the semester coming to close I have just been tired and knocking without really caring about if I remember a dream or not. We dream every night it is just a matter if we remember when we wake up. Of course, this weekend I had a dream, in which I remembered the plot. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are elaborate stories that I have yet to write.

It is no secret that I am going to the Dominican Republic at the end of this month. I have talked about it briefly in several past posts and I have counted down a little on Twitter (16 more days). So in my dream, I am all set to go and I head to the airport. I am about to give in my ticket and what did I forget…My Passport. The feeling that I had at that moment was very similar to a feeling that I had when I was a kid. My brother was going on a trip to somewhere, I am not sure if it was Six Flags or Disney World. I must have been like 4 and I followed him to the car and then was told I wasn’t going. The horror on my face was only as bad as the tears that followed.

Nevertheless, when I discovered my passport missing it lead to a wilder dream that I am not even going to get into as the memory of this dream fades further. So what does this mean? If you have been reading this blog enough you know I have to figure this out. So of course I need to plug the good folks at Dream Moods for the definition of this dream. Lets start with what dreaming about passports:

To see a passport in your dream, represents your identity and your ability to traverse various situations. You may be going through a period of finding yourself and discovering who you are. You are experiencing new found freedom to do what you want and go where you want.

Totally not surprised by this. Clearly I am trying to do things and move back to New York City. This next one may not be so much a surprise as much as how accurate it is:

To dream that you lose your passport, indicates that you are trying to find yourself and get a sense of who you are. Alternatively, you may feel that opportunities are being closed off to you.

This is what I am talking about! I never expressed it in words and I think it is because I do not want to complain. I am trying my hardest to maintain my life while searching for a an opportunity that will not pull the rug from under me. It has been rough and I have been picky. I am not simply applying for anything in hopes of getting something. Things are not as good as I would like and it can be frustrating. However, I do realize that things will eventually happen. I need to go through this in order to appreciate what life has to offer me. I do not want to be one of those people who take life in general for granted. I would like to do things the right way (and still get out of debt).

In terms of trying to find myself…I guess I am still doing that huh? Well path to finding one’s self is a long one. I can say that what I found so far is a writer and a poet. Let’s see what else I find (and yes I do have my passport ready).

What If The Answer is Faith?

As I mentioned in my last post, sometimes I think about my dreams all day. Yesterday was no exception. Dreaming about driving a car with my eyes closed was what I assumed to be a message about not knowing my future. I felt this was a pretty safe answer. A part of me did think that perhaps I came up with this answer a little too quickly.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that perhaps I was little off about this. Sure, sometimes our dreams show us the things that are bothering us deep inside. Sometimes our dreams even give us clues to the answers we seek. Most of the questions we have in life we can answer ourselves. We are not always ready to admit them. It occurred to me that maybe my dream may not only be telling me that my future is uncertain, but maybe I need to have faith that I will not crash.

I thought about this when I remember that, in my dream, my eyes opened after I hit the breaks. I see that not as not having enough faith to believe that I just need to let fate guide me. Perhaps there is something in my that believes that my love life will crash and burn again. Maybe I feel I need to take control of it in order for this not to happen thus me putting on the breaks. However, I have crashed and burned so many times over with my eyes open.

Clearly driving requires control. Even though I do not consider myself a control freak, I have learned that in so many ways I have tried to control the outcome of whatever happens to me. I know that I am a versatile human being. I have the ability to adapt to any situation and any given time. However, when it comes to my love life, I have trouble just coasting.

Right now I am in a good place. I am single and I trying to fix me. I will be the first to say that anything is possible but I think that I am also be the first not believe that for myself. This is where I think this dream has come from. Dreams have many meanings an I am sure that this one has a few. I just need to have faith in myself.

Driving with My Eyes Closed

I am always fascinated with my dreams. Most times I wont remember them but other times I will remember parts. There are those times when my dreams stand out. Some can be so vivid that I cannot get them out of my head and end up thinking about them all day. The dreams that really matter the most to me are the ones that repeat. That is because then I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving my car with my eyes closed. This is the second time I had this dream. The first one was me falling asleep at the wheel and not being able to open my eyes. I was able to pull the car over and open my eyes. Funny thing about this was I was driving from the back seat. Eventually the cops pulled me over. The dream I had last night was similar. I was driving with my eyes closed but this time I was in the driver’s seat. I could not open my eyes and I did hit the breaks almost expecting to crash but I never did.

So, when I have a dream like this I normally think about my life and try to explain it to the best of my ability. I automatically feel that my dream is telling me that I am heading to an unknown future. That I have the ability to stop myself and open my eyes to go in a different way if I chose. I think that fact that I was not scared about crashing in either dream means that I have no fear of this unknown future. I am actually validated by this because not only did I say in the past that I am going to let fate take the wheel and see what happens, but I also said I had no fear of it.

Interestingly enough, I decided to get look up my dream on It seems that I am not too far off:

To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

I agree with this assessment up to a certain point. I do have direction and a goal. Right now I am working hard on the job search and my goal is to return to the city of my birth. However, I have no direction in my love life. I have no goals right now and I am pretty much along for the ride. I think this is where the dream is stemming from.

I have thought about this very much. First, I want to say that I was smiling to myself this morning because I was trying not to talk about fate again this year, but I guess that is not going to happen. I stand firm that I need to concentrate on me this year. My main goal when it comes to my love life is to just sit and observe. I just need to watch what’s happening in the world around me. It is not just about the dating game but rather how to deal with women in general.

There was no reference to backseat driving on this site but I will venture a guess. Usually if you are dreaming about about being in a car and not driving it means you are not in control of the current path you on. I think the fact that in my first dream I was driving from the back seat means that I much as I may believe that I am not in control of my love life, I truly am. Perhaps the second dream is merely acknowledgment that I have indeed taken control of it although I have no clue where I am going.

When it Rains…

I cannot believe it is December. The journey that I have started on this blog is almost a year old. I am quite impressed with myself that I have been able to keep this up for so long. The past 3 blogs I have had have all crashed and burned due to inactivity. I know I flirt with inactivity on this particular one, but sometimes I have nothing of value to say…or so I think.

I have made it to what seems to be the final lap of the year. Usually December represents a time for reflection of the past year and allows me to think about what I should be doing next year. While I while the process of reflection for me is yet to begin, I do know there are certain changes I need to make for myself in 2010. I do listen to what people tell me and with the desire to constantly improve myself I have come up with somethings that I think I will need to do next year.

The job search will intensify next month and since I have already been turned down twice, I think I need to makes some changes in the social media portion of my life. I am thinking of making all my interactions on Twitter private. I am thinking about making my Facebook profile private as well. While I will keep this blog open, I will make certain changes that will make it difficult to search my real name. All these changes are temporary but necessary. I do not need any potential employer to think I am emotionally unstable based on my writings and interactions. Personally, I do think I am, but perception is reality to many.

I have been mulling this over for the last week or so and I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do until I had a dream. While I do not remember the full details of this dream, I do remember that it was raining very hard. I was outside in the rain for whatever and clearly I got soaked. When I woke up, I remember think that this was the first time I have ever remembered being in rain. I thought I would take some time to see what rain in my dream could mean. Thanks the good people at Dream Moods, I was able to come up with this: To dream that you get wet from the rain, indicates cleansing from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.

I have said before that I have had an awakening of sorts over the last few weeks. So the idea of being cleansed makes sense. My stresses are not what they once were and I feel that I ready to do big things with myself. I am indeed looking for a renewal and I am very confident that I will achieve that.

Land of the Dead

Lately I have been having some really intense dreams. I would not call them nightmares at all, but just really intense dreams. This will sound weird but, I have been dreaming about zombies. While I cannot give any concrete details, it usually revolves around me fighting for my life. The funny thing about it is that I am not at all scared during these dreams. It is almost as if I am just going about my day.

Let me just explain that as a little kid, just about anything that had to do with horror films scared me. I would almost bet something lived in my closet. I will also tell you that being Latino and religious does not help either but, I will leave the stories about spirits for another day. There were 2 horror films that I still have not gotten over since I was a kid: The Exorcist and Dawn of the Dead. Why I chose to see these, I have no clue, but I will tell you that these things scared the holy hell out of me.

For those who do not know, Dawn of the Dead is a basic zombie movie where a group of people get trapped inside a shopping mall while a horde of undead beings are outside waiting to devour them. This movie was remade a few years ago. I actually saw the remake and it wasn’t bad. But, the original is way more horrifying.

I feel that I am not a zombie fanatic like many people are. There have been comic books made about zombies and a lot of them I have read and collected featuring superheros. So, when my dreams manifested themselves, I just figured it was because of something that I read. However, the dreams keep coming back. Same basic story different location or different day. Again, while I am not scared in these dreams there is definitely a certain amout of stress in them. I am either fighting, running, or hiding throughout the dreams.

All this makes me think about my class in college. I took a class about the collective unconscious. My old professor, Bob Gates, made us study the theories of Carl Jung. Through that class, I have learned that dreams are a way of our subconscious trying to deal with our everyday problems. We try to solve or gain answers to our problems while we sleep. One thing is for certain, if you have a dream that repeats, then your subconscious is trying to tell you something that you are not getting.

Right off the bat, I am thinking that these dreams are telling me that I need to stop fighting something or someone. I know that in my past blogs, I have said that I need to go with the flow and my mind is probably telling me I need to stick to that. The running may signify that I am running for something or someone, I may still have to figure that out. As, far as the hiding part, I feel that I do that everyday. I feel that I need to hide parts of myself that feels vulnerable. Zombies signify my problems that threaten to eat me alive. Before I sit here and say that this is because of a person and a situation, I will say that problems can be anything from work related issues, to the debt I may have. So who knows?

I did one more thing to to figure out why I am having these dreams. I went to a website called Dream Moods. I looked up what dreams about Zombies and this is what was listed:

To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life.

Well, that pretty much lays it right out for me! However, I am not sure I am under that much stress. But clearly something is bothering me and I will need to figure that out.

Why I Read Comic Books

“The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung

I need to change the mood of this blog. There has been too much talk about death and sadness. So, now it is time to show my nerdy side. I have been collecting comic books all my life. It has always been an escape for me. I have noticed over the last several months to maybe about a year, I have not been reading my comics at all. Don’t get me wrong, I would still buy them and add them to the rest of the pile, but I just didn’t read them. I know myself. I knew that I will eventually get to them.

Then 2 weeks ago a I had a dream. I was in bathroom. I was either shaving or brushing my teeth, but when I opened up the medicine cabinet, falling out were comic books wrapped individually in plastic. The covers were so vivid that I could read the title of the different books, most of which did I did not collect. I had found this very strange because I have never dreamt about comic books before.

It turns out that I was having several weird dreams that week. This was just one that stood out to me. I have always believed that dreams are a way of our subconscious letting us know of issues that need to addressed by our conscious mind (I studied Carl Jung in college). Usually, if you do not try to figure out what your dream is about, you end up repeating them. So, I ended up going to this website and looked up the meaning of this dream. I will say that there were other occurrences in the dream that I am neglecting to divulge…but this part of that dream effected me greatly.

So I look up comic books and it states: To see comic books in a dream signifies that you are taking life too seriously. My jaw dropped. Have I been taking my life too seriously? Have I been this nut job that stressed myself our to no end? Is that why I stopped reading comic books (and regular books) because life is just too damn hard? This was a startling revelation to me. If you know me well enough, then you know that I am reading my comic books as soon as I buy them. I just haven’t been doing that.

I know that some women think that reading comics at my age is immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Let me just day that it was my mother who got me into reading comic books. She would buy them for me when I was very young. I would read them and enjoy the writing and the art. She knew what I collected and made sure I kept up with it. I may not have a great relationship with her, but by fondest memory of my mother was when I was sick with a fever in bed and I was just so miserable. She walked in with 10 new comic books for me to read. That made me feel better than anything else. It made me love to read and it made me want to write!

I have always wanted to be a writer when I was a kid. I actually wrote different adventures and at one point created my own superheroes with their own unique set of characteristics. In fact, I created a whole world of my own. I even shared my adventures with friends (I still have the book around here somewhere…). I also know how to draw, I just don’t think I am that great at it. As, I grew older my skills in writing became better than my skills at being an artist. Besides, it seemed that with every issue of Spiderman or the Justice League of America, my vocabulary improved. You would be surprised how much a 10 year old can comprehend when reading about a character named Firestorm when it come to Nuclear Mechanics and Atomic Restructuring.

My point is, this was escape for me. I lived in the Bronx and I would much rather run to the comic book store than play craps on the corner. Sure, I was made fun of and talked about by the “cool” kids, but I don’t see any of them with a blog 20 years later. So the principle remains the same. Comic books are an escape for me. The best part about them now is that they are now being written by writers who are my age and see the world almost the same way I do.

I finally starting reading them again this past weekend. I was very fulfilling. I didn’t think about any of my problems in the hours it took me to catch up. Well, there was book in particular in which Red Arrow got advice about love from Green Lantern…

Ok, I need to stop, but I will not stop reading…