Category: New York City

Barnard College, my life, New York City, Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Syracuse University

All Good Things…

Now that I am back in New York City, I can now think back to this last few weeks with fond memories. I can also relax this week since I do not start at Barnard College until Monday. More importantly, I can look at the future and think about what is coming up for me.

I will, once again, reiterate that I will miss Syracuse University and everyone that I have come in contact there. I’m sure the students don’t think I will miss them all that much, but I will. The feeling of me ending this chapter of my life felt very familiar. While I made a similar change in life 11 years ago in leaving NYC, this familiarity came from a different place. I would have to go back to May of 1994 to feel a certain way, and at the risk of sounding even more like a nerd, I am talking about the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

This was a show that I was very fond of. My dad and I really got into it when I was in High School and leading into college. Star Trek: TNG was on the air for 7 years and it was one of those shows that I couldn’t imagine ending. But, on that fateful night, May 23rd, the show came to an end. It left me wondering, what is next? However, the very theme of this show was centered around where this cast has been and the possibilities of where it could go in the future leaving the door opening to anything with one question looming: can humanity evolve?

Which brings me to my ultimate point for leaving Syracuse. The title of that episode was called “All Good Things…” The main villain Q simply states, as he is judging humanity that “All good things must come to an End.” Ultimately when it seems that all is lost, humanity proves their evolution is possible. This remains one of my favorite episodes of TNG which always leaves me nostalgic when I see it because I believe they never should have left television.

Now back to reality. The fact of the matter is that all good things do come to an end. I have known for awhile that it was time to move on because I feel that I went through an evolution of sorts when I was employed at Syracuse University. My life was changing and so were my priorities. The things I was doing 11 years ago are not the things that I do now. The whole nature of maturing and living life dictates for some of us that we need to move on to different things. Sure, my future may end up with me crossing paths with my alma mater again and its students and alumni but that is something that we will just have to wait and see.

The future is bright I am just glad that I made some awesome memories and friends along the way.

“Let’s see what’s out there.” – Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

dog, my life, New York City, NYC, rocky, Syracuse

Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend

As I write this, I look down and see an empty floor. For the last few years I have had Rocky by my side. He has been the one living thing that has witnessed just about everything that has happened to me in the 21st Century. Now, Rocky is the last real sacrifice I have made before I leave Syracuse. He will stay here with the ex-wife to live out the rest of his days.

I cannot help but feel sad about this even though I know that I am doing the right thing. He will be much happier in Syracuse where there is more grass and trees. The chances are extremely high that he will be more spoiled than ever and I am ok with that. It was just heart breaking to say good bye to him. It is going to be weird to wake up every morning and not have to walk him. I am grateful that my days here are numbered because him not greeting me everyday when I open the door to my bedroom will be difficult.

Rocky is a reminder of where I have been. He was a puppy sleeping on my chest when I was going through my unemployment period in 2000. I remember the walks from Soundview to Castle Hill, in which, we crossed through the mall on White Plains Road in the Bronx. I also remember hugging him hard after I came home from 9/11.

He had such great resilience to survive that first drive to Syracuse. Rocky hates the snow but loved to dig his face in it. I remember how he loved the other dog, Rusty, and how sad he was when he died. Rocky has seen me at my worst during the divorce and he is seen me at my best when I sold the house. He could tell my moods and always found away to make me feel better. I repaid him by nursing him back to health when he was sick.

I have watched him grow old and lose his eye sight. Rocky is like an old man now with his old man ways. You have to carry him downstairs because he is afraid to fall. I almost do not remember life without having to cater to him. Yet, I would not have it any other way because I truly love that dog.

Saying goodbye was something I had to prepare for. He was originally supposed to come back home with me. But, things happen and situations change. Rocky will be in a better place and will still be loved. I will miss him more than than he will know. This is truly my last sacrifice. I feel know that I am coming back with nothing but the clothes on my back (and the comic books, dvds, PS3, and TV in the Car)…

Barnard College, love, my life, New York City, NYC, rocky, Syracuse University

10 Days

This is just crazy. I am excited to be starting a new chapter. I am sad to say the goodbyes that I know I have to say. I am scared to see what happens after all this done. I love the fact that everything is changing.

Mixed emotions is something that I am feeling at the moment. Everything that I have been fighting for is finally coming to fruition and I all I am thinking about is just closing the book on this place. I feel like I am living the last few episodes of a long running sitcom that has been on the air for 11 years. I get that familiar feeling when Cheers closed or when Theo graduated from college in the Cosby Show. You want to cry but that wouldn’t be right because (even though it is a show) you know that life goes on.

In 10 days I will be home and I’m not really sure that people really understand what that means. I have been like a prodigal son in may ways. I left NYC with the idea that I would never come back. Being in my mid 20’s trying to make it was difficult and I left because I couldn’t succeed in my hometown. I had this delusion that I would stay in Syracuse and live the American Dream. There was always that pull for me to return home even though the relationship with my mother became worse before it ever got better. For all my failures at love and life, I achieved greater successes at many of the same things

Now, I coming back home with things being so different. My life is not the same as when I left. I feel smarter and wiser because I learned from past mistakes. I’ve learned how to forgive and I’ve learned how to sacrifice. Most importantly, I have learned how to love. I’ve grown to love myself and appreciate the world around me. I do love Syracuse and I will truly miss everyone that I have had so much contact with.

Before I started taking the things off my walls in my office, I kept thinking about the many students who have seen my office for what I hope it was…a place to feel welcome. The Puerto Rican flag, being the first thing that many students see, represents my commitment to all students about being proud of what I am and never being afraid to show it. I had to take pictures of it for prosperity. If I am lucky, I will have a similar set up at Barnard College.

As joyous as I can be about leaving, sometimes moving means making hard decisions. In many ways I want to start a new life or “volume” when I get back home. I find myself getting rid of things here and there and selling other stuff. However, the most difficult decision is to leave my dog, Rocky, here with my ex-wife. He does belong to her too and I know this is the right decision for him. He is getting older and needs a person who will love him and care for him in ways that I may not be able to. Out of all the things I have had to do during this transition, I will tell you, this is the hardest. It almost breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to Rocky…

But, like everything else, I will deal with that moment when it happens. My students mean the world to me as well and I hope they know that. I am just glad that everyone has been understanding that this is not really a goodbye, not this small world of email and Facebook. I will treat this more as a “see ya later.”

mother, my life, New York City, zombies

Everything is Connected


I will never get over saying that things happen for a reason. It has become so apparent in my life that everything is connected by something. While I refuse to think that everything in this life is predetermined by some force of fate, I do think that we are some how cosmically aligned with all the events that occur in our personal lives. I have often thought that I feel as if I am playing a form of chess with the universe.
Then there is that saying that “God gives us enough for us to handle.” This have become more of a powerful saying with every breath I take because the only thing I really do pray for is strength.  There is not merit in me asking God to solve my problems. I fully understand that anything that occurs in my world will work out the way it should.
I think about the events over the last 24 months. The job interviews, the rejections, the success at work, the rebuilding of my resume, the ending of  a marriage, the beginning of a new relationship, the drama, the house selling, the awards, the interviews, the acceptance of a major blog, the new apartment hunt, and the new job. All of the things I listed above have prepared me for my next major thing.
This morning, I found out that my mother has been admitted to the hospital.
This came as a major shock to me. I know that when I interviewed for jobs I talk about my desire to return to my family. I talked about the fact that my mother in not getting any younger. I knew that she had slight health issues due to diabetes but I was not ever expecting a phone call that my mother suffered from what may have been a mild heart attack.
Most of my adult life has consisted of trying to repair the relationship with my mom.  Our complicated relationship stems from a divorce long ago that was damaging. Between her anger at my father and my immaturity we found ourselves at an impasse very early in my adult life. As I have gotten older and wiser I do realize that not everything is black and white.  I have often equated my issues with women to the fact that my mother and I do not get along. I think after my divorce we finally talked through many things and started to heal. I never wanted to wait until it is too late.
Last night I had a very strange dream. I was with my cousins somewhere that was not New York State. I am not sure why we were there but something occurred that I had to deal with for the entire dream. We witnessed the start of the zombie apocalypse. Before you chuckle, understand that at no time did I think this was not real nor was I scared. Somehow the 3 of us escaped to a hotel that was about to board up its doors. We were able to survive for months while we watched the world slowly end.
What was interesting about this dream was that it seemed to last the entire length of my sleep. I was never stressed and we dealt with any issues that came up. What made it interesting is that the living world was fighting back. You could still watch the news as humans and zombies battled. Some of the zombies even talked on television before attacking the reporting crew. It was all very strange and then I woke up.
When I heard the news about my mother I automatically thought about this dream.  Was there significance behind it? I have dreamed about zombies before but this felt very different. I looked up the meaning (which I new before but just wanted to refresh myself) and it read: To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered. The end of the world could mean many things to people and to some, losing their parents can be exactly that.
Now as she lays in the hospital in stable condition it makes wonder about the events of the last 24 months (as well as that dream). Was this some sort of cosmic plan from the start? Was I meant to get this job at this time so I can be with family at a trying time? This is hard to dispute when I know deep inside that everything happens for a reason.
It turns out she went through a mild heart attack with no damage to the heart. While there will be more tests tomorrow, I will continue to pray that she will be more than ok.  
Background Checks, Barnard College, credit, my life, New York City

The Return

I was certain that once I  was offered the position at Barnard College that I would be blogging everyday about it. However, I pulled back because of the background check that was going on at the time. This is where my paranoia becomes paramount. Since this was the first time I’ve ever been subjected to one, I had no idea what to expect, but as a friend just reminded me, I really had nothing to worry about.

It is one of those things where the Human Resources person tells you that even though the position has been accepted, the job is contingent on passing the background check. I was too busy being happy that I am finally leaving SU to really understand the gravity of the situation. Of course, the actual gravity seemed to only be determined by my mind. Let’s face the facts, I’m not a criminal and none of the information on my resume is falsified. So, why did I make such a big deal of this within my own space?

First, I originally thought that there was a credit check involved. According to the Fair Credit Reporting Act, all my information can be released with my permission. When I saw this on the paperwork, I automatically panicked thinking that my credit information was now on the table and who know what was going to happen now. So, I put on my big boy pants and called HR to ask if indeed my credit was going to be looked at. Thank God this was not the case. Background checks like these may have a credit component in it depending on the type of job someone is going for, so I did not have to worry about that.

My credit is something that I have been trying to work on but it turns out that it is not very easy when you have other factors in your life. I am not talking about having a girlfriend either. Many of the reasons to get rid of the house were financial in nature. I was living from check to check despite receiving rent. The money that my tenants/roommates gave me barely covered the expenses of the house. Winters are brutal in Syracuse and so is Niagara Mohawk. While I was able to catch up on some things, I’m not where I need to be. I plan on fixing that very soon.

With the credit check off the table, I still ended up being nervous. Much of this is my fault. I was nervous that perhaps there was some false report that may come up or that one of my jobs misplaced some employment records. I didn’t want to have to explain to anyone that I was ultimately not considered because of something unknown in my background. It was a very silly thought but we are in a age of identity fraud and stranger things have happened.

In the end, I am proud to say that I am all set! Background is clear (of course) and my start date with Barnard is September 24th. Many plans have been set in motion to assure my safe return to the city I grew up in. I cannot believe it has been 11 years since I last lived and worked in New York City. The list of things I intend on doing is so very long and trust me, there will be a blog about it.

goals, love, my life, New York City

Love and Balance.

Yes. I know… It has been a long time. Work has been incredibly busy over last few weeks and it has been difficult to get a moment to write. Now that I am currently in New York City for Thanksgiving, I think that I now have the gumption to write whatever comes to mind. This is a bit of a free write because I need to get back to it. I need to get back on the writing tip because it can be so easy to get off that ride.

I have to say that I have my groove back. I have finally got my love life in a place where I want it to be and it is fantastic! When I started this blog in 2009, I was not sure where I would be. I was looking at failed marriage and began to believe that being in a good relationship was something that I may never achieve, but when the world is looked upon negatively, the thought of anything good does not surface. 
I finally had the privilege to post my relationship status on Facebook and while that sounds kind of cheesy it is actually a big step. The start of a new relationship is always a big deal after the ending of an old one, especially if that end was a divorce. It makes the process of moving on and living a life of happiness complete. Not everyone moves on to another relationship after a marriage because it is not as easy as one would think. There is the battle to get over oneself. We all have issues and the thought of sharing those with someone else can be almost unbearable for some.
As for me. I feel like an adult. I know that sounds weird coming from a 37 year old man, but I have been surviving what I once considered a mess of a life. There are parts of my life that I still need to rectify but those take time based on financial issues. Yet, I survive because I watched my dad survive. I learned from him how to deal with life when it gives you lemons. I am very close to my goals and any forward movement toward them feels like a battle won.
What has really makes me feel good is the support that I get from friends and colleagues. They see the passion I have to move back to NYC and the love I have for the woman in my life. All the dues that I have paid to the universe in the form of both good and bad karma has seemed to make me very fortunate. I find myself developing my personal relationship with God. I pray from strength when I need it because I know that I need to achieve my hearts desire, I do not expect it handed to me. I pray for strength because I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being afraid of failing. So I battle through it all because I am determined to make it.
Then there are the people that who do not support me. Those who look like the could be a friend but really criticize me when I am not around. I know they exist and I also have a general idea who they are. I want to thank them because their comments and negative provides the rest of the fuel that I need to motivate myself. I have not been one to subscribe to the notion that I have haters, but all adults who strive for the best have them. I still do not pretend to be a perfect man and I will continue to make mistakes but the negativity makes it easier to give less than a f*ck about what people think.
I will strive to finish what I start. I want to live in harmony with my various worlds in sync. I want my professional life to be as good as my love life and my family life to be just as good as my social life. I am looking for balance and I think I have completed that first step.
9/11, my life, New York City, Syracuse University, world trade center

The Day I Learned How to Cry

The world changed ten years ago. It was a shift in the American paradigm that we are all still getting adjusted to. I can barely remember life prior to September 11, 2001. I do know that nothing has ever been the same. Everything that was our way of life changed when those towers came down. I learned the value of life at the same time as I learned what the value of a symbol is. The World Trade Center was that symbol of New York City that has forever been altered and because of that, I learned how to cry.

In many ways, I have considered the New York City skyline ruined. I feel that the World Trade Center was a vital organ like an arm that was severed. NYC is an amputee of such cruel intentions. I cannot tell you how it felt to know people who worked in that building and the relief to learn they got out. The company that I worked for lost entire floors of clientele. In the end so many people died and I can say that I knew one of them.

I wont talk about being on Wall Street that day because I have told that story. I feel that I can recite that story because I have said it so many times. What I have not written about is how from that day on the ability to cry has become all too easy for me. I spent most of the day being strong and trying to survive while not trying to really take in the enormity of the day. Seeing the shock on everyone’s faces as I walked from the financial district to Grand Central station. Taking the 6 train back to the Bronx in the quietest subway car I have every been on. Then getting to my small basement apartment in the Soundview section of the Bronx where I can still see the huge pillar of smoke to remind me of what happened.

Finally getting home to watch the television to see what happened. Watching it over and over and over again because seeing images from small screens in Manhattan did not help me realize. Something was building up inside of me that finally broke when I spoke to family and friends who told they loved me and thought they would never see me again because of all the chaos. I cried. I cried like I have never cried before. I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it.

All my life, I have fought the notion that a man should not cry. But how can a man hold in emotions so strong when thousands of people have perished so close by? I learned to cry that day because I recognized the value in every thing around me. Life is so precious. I could have lost so many that day. I know of others that have lost brothers, sisters, husbands, sons, daughters, wives, and friends. I sat staring at that television for hours because I did not want to forget. I wanted to take that lesson that I learned on that day that the I could no longer live my life the same way.

I came to Syracuse 10 years ago to escape the pain that was 9/11. I could not live with the ruined skyline in the background. I had to try to start a new life with a new career. While, I feel I have been successful, I think about how the world has changed. How I have changed. I have have become sensitive to everything around me. I cannot look at fire fighters and the police the same way. I am sensitive to loud noises. I just about cry when I think about losing a loved one. It just doesn’t take much anymore.

My students sometimes call me mean when they have no idea that how sensitive I truly am. I am mean because I see potential they are not achieving because they don’t understand that we have a chance to live in a better world. 10 years later and I know I want to go back home because even though that symbol is gone, the people who survived have become the symbols of hope needed to fill the void left by the World Trade Center and the people who once occupied that building.

my dad, My Goal, my life, New York City, women

Updates and Such

I know that I have been slacking on this blog. I have been drawn to poetry and my goal to finish what I start. However, during this time, life has been happening. I have not been able to really focus on one subject or another to formulate a good blog. So I think it would be best to summarize the things that have been happening in my life.

April is always a tough month at work. I consider it to be culmination of all the efforts from the semester happening at once. My life outside of work has been ok. I am on survival mode right now. I have been searching for a roommate for sometime now and the search has been disappointing to say the least. I equate that search to my faith in people. I realized that over the years I have trusted people and allow them in my life so that I can have people to talk to. As I have slowly come to shed those people, I have to realize that I am closer to solitude. The good new is that it looks like I have one guy moving in this week. I am crossing my fingers because I have already had one person flake on me in the last day.

Which brings me to the job search. What do I say without saying too much? This one position that I really wanted never panned out. I felt I had done everything I could to put myself in a good position to get this job. In the end, it was not enough. I took it hard because I am a determined individual who is looking to complete my goals. Of course just when I thought all my options were spent. I found another potential opportunity. I will take the lessons from my first failure and apply it to this. I am one to believe that we have to fail first in order to succeed.

I also have to smile because when I talked about my opinion on women, I had some people talk to me about whether I was right or wrong about this subject. What really makes what I wrote hit home for me is seeing first hand how manipulative some women can be. Witnessing the pieces of a puzzle come together. I shake my head at her. This is the type of women my father has always warned me about. I can now consider her the benchmark of ulterior motives. I can thank her for trusting people that much less, but I want to thank her for providing me fuel for poetry. Poem 21 is dedicated to you.

Speaking of poetry, my dad told me that he read the poem I wrote to honor him. I have no idea why I am so caught off guard about this. I know he reads my blog as a matter of fact he has a correction that he demanded I make! One I figure out where those corrections are to be made I will write a retraction (You know how parents are). Which brings me to my question. Are my poems really that good? I only ask this of myself because there are poems that I don’t think that are that good. There are some I feel I could have done better. I work hard on all of them and they are always as long as they have to be. I do have my favorites. I never would have thought I would write a poem in Spanish.

I am about a month away from my trip to the Dominican Republic. This will be a much needed break for me. I have had a lot of ups and downs so far this year in every aspect of my life. I will give me a chance to look at this beautiful island while celebrating the start of my cousin’s marriage. This will be my time to reflect on what I need to do in the second half of this year to get back to NYC.

Blogging, family, fate, New York City

Monday Musing in NYC


5 days ago. That was the last time I have posted something on here. I have quietly promised myself that I would write an entry every day this week while I am in New York. Believe it or not I have a lot of time on my hands because it turns out that my aunt’s house is being renovated. The living room, in particular, is being turned redone so in basic terms: I have no TV. Which is ok, I can deal.

I brought down my notebook so that I can write any poems that seem to come to mind more often than ever these days. I normally write them down on paper before I type them on here. But, in either case, I have some reflections to do regardless. Unless, my emotions pull me in a certain direction, I think I will focus on family this week. I think this will be sorta like a “dry run” for Christmas and a precursor to my eventual move in 2010.
People have been asking me what am I doing for Thanksgiving and I would answer that with the usual, “I don’t know.” However, I think that deep inside me I already know that I am going to see my mother. At this point, it only makes sense. I just don’t know exactly what I am going to do yet, but I am sure I will figure it out.
As I write this, I already have another poem swirling in my head. I realize that I am becoming a person that I didn’t foresee myself being. I feel kinetic in a sense. I get emotions and feelings built up inside of me and I feel the need to pour it on paper. I wonder why I could not do this before, but it seems to happen quite often now. So I am very glad I brought down my book. I just feel that my poems are too short, but at the same time I am not trying to write the Iliad or the Odyssey.
The job search is proving to be tough. Most of the positions that I see I am over qualified for. I could be the boss. But, I am not discouraged. I know that something will come up. I feel that I have people looking out for me as well. I will also be real and say that I have only put my foot in the water. I have not dove all the way in yet. I wanted to test the waters and see what is out there. I do have a plan to be very aggressive starting January 1. I have applied to a few places and we will see what happens. Gotta let Fate take the wheel.
my life, New York City, poetry, Random Things, Willie Perdomo

Monday Musings

Me and Willie Perdomo

I stopped doing Tid Bit Tuesdays because many of my thoughts are not all scattered as they once were. Today I feel like I need to just reign myself in with all the thoughts that I have. So, I may just ramble a bit…

I have come to realize I need to fix my life. Don’t get me wrong, I think my life is good and getting better by the moment, however, there is a point in a person’s life in which they need to clean out the gutters. I look at my financial situation and I know I need to do something different. I am tired of being in debt and I am tired of not having enough money. I am not saying how much money I need but I just feel that is not enough.

Money aside, I think my decision to go back home is a good one. Of course, I look around me and everything that I need to do before that day comes and I almost feel overwhelmed. This isn’t something that I cannot just do overnight. But, the good thing is I am very determined to change the course of my life, which means I need to take some risks.

Which brings me to my next point. I have focused so much on staying in Higher Education that I have not considered that my skill set is very valuable in other industries. I tell students all the time to think outside the box and step foot outside their comfort zone. Why cant I do the same? This point was brought up by an old friend of mine that suggested getting a job at another University should be my safety net and my goal should be to do something new. After all, I have already conquered my realm.

I will admit that this thought does make me excited. When I left NYC 8 years ago, I had no career. I was just trying to make it. Now, I will return with a sense of accomplishment and a set of skills that sells itself. So, who knows what the future has in store.

Here is the other thing that I so enjoyed over my busy weekend: I got to meet Willie Perdomo. He is a legendary Latino Poet that is both hilarious and very insightful. He performed some of his work on Friday night and i was very fortunate to have both lunch and dinner with him. He expressed to that New York City has changed and depending on your point of view, it is either for the good or the bad. Clearly since I am not down there enough I cannot gage which one it is, however, I miss it enough not to care.

Willie Perdomo’s poetry was very inspiring and it made me want to just start writing all the poetry I have in my head. The problem is that I have been fighting the idea that I am a poet. I do not have a desire to perform this craft and the poetry I write has always been more about the moment. But, sometimes a poem will just hit me, which is why I now have to carry a notebook and pen with me where ever I go.

I did happen to write a poem since the last one I posted, but that one will not see the light of day right now. I amaze myself with some of the things I put on paper. This one is not ready for the world to read. The thought of making another blog just for poetry did cross my mind though. I will say that I did start on another poem before I had dinner with Willie. I would like to finish it at some point. Of course, I seem to say that all the time to myself. I have so many unfinished poems it is not even funny…

On a totally different subject, I will start lifting some weights this week. I need to work on there these arms. I have had several offers to join some guys at the gym, but I have declined because I simply want to go at my own pace. No need to look like the Incredible Hulk. I just want to look like a better version of me. Again…I am trying to fix my life in all aspects…