Questioning Myself

There is one thing in my life that is for sure, I am not perfect. There is nothing that I can do that will ever be perfect, but I think that I can come close if I really tried. I feel that I am that type of person that takes pride in the things that I do. I love to write and I stand by every letter on this blog. My poems have only gotten better the more I write them. The stories that I write is something that I take great pride and I will always fight myself to make them better. More importantly, I take pride in my job and the work that I do.

Again, I realize that I am not perfect. I make mistakes on the job just like everyone does. Sometimes I get caught up on a project so much that I fail to come up for air thus something slips by me. I try to improve then I move forward. One thing that I make sure of is that I am good at what I do. I have become a problem solver of sorts and during my 10 year run at my current position, I have been through things that I cannot even write about. I have seen things that to this day I still shake my head at and I have had some of the beast times of my life. I love this place and the students.
With that being said, I rarely question myself or my abilities. My resume speaks for itself. The recommendations on Linkedin are there for all to see. The problem I having is getting a new position. I begin to wonder what it is I am doing wrong. Are my skills and abilities not being brought to the forefront for employers during the application process or the interview? I am a very personable individual, I can carry a conversation and if you and I are speaking about something we can both relate to then that’s even better. But, I end up looking at emails telling me that although my skills are ideal, I’m personally not the ideal candidate for said position.

The whole job searching process seems like a social experiment in puzzle pieces. Everyone is looking for a perfect fit to any group dynamic in order to make their company or workplace better. The problem is that you are not the piece that they believe will fit, no one tells you why. I would like to think that it is common courtesy that if I were to go as far as two interviews that I should at least be given the opportunity to have that explanation as to what I could have done better. Otherwise, I could end up really questioning myself.

It becomes a point of asking myself if I spoke too much. Perhaps I made a comment that was not favorable. I know it wasn’t my style of dress, I have 2 new suits that I rocked very well. I did ask enough question because I came with written questions. Was I not witty enough? Was I too witty? Then I start thinking the outlandish, even though it is still very possible. What if I was too Black? What if I was too Latino? People always think that being a diversity candidate is an advantage but in actuality, as long as an employer can prove that they interviewed a person of color, it may not matter in the end.

However, it turns out that the exact opposite has been happening to me. While all those questions have entered my mind, I do not question myself because when it comes down to it, we all know if we have done good on a test or an interview. Sure, some times we may get too cocky and think we did well and actually flopped. But in my last interviews, I was not cocky nor was I overconfident. I researched and put in the work days and weeks prior the interviews so I can understand what I may be getting myself into. This way, there is no real way I can blame myself for not getting any position. Perhaps there are certain things I need to tweek, but practice makes perfect.

I have often equated job searching to dating because in my both cases we are trying to establish a personal relationship with a person or a company. Work is a very personal thing and we spend so much time at work that it is important to love what you do. It is even more important to make that right connection and being that I have been on both sides of the interview table, I can understand the need to make a perfect fit.

So then it just comes down to faith. How much faith do I have in myself to continue down this path with the failure and the standard emails telling me I am not a good enough? I can come up with millions of quotes about failure and success. I can read books about fate and how things are meant to be, but in reality it all comes down to me and my power to endure. 

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