latinegro

A Story about Dad

My Dad and Step Mom at their wedding reception last year

Like most teenagers, I was rebellious. I didn’t want to hear what my parents had to say because I was absolutely sure that they both had no idea what it was that I was going through. Sure, they had been in their teens before but that was a different time. The world was different and it was me who was stuck going through a divorce with parents who seemed to almost hate each other.

Even in college, I felt relatively the same way. By then, I was living with my dad and we would clash over just about anything. My need for freedom and his need to protect me would produce angry words and tears. There was a point in which we may have both felt that we were never going to see eye to eye on anything! I found myself not asking for advice because I thought that I need to get through my life by myself. After all, I had friends and they knew me just as well.

Then it happened. The first time my heart was broken and I did not know how to deal with it. I struggled with the pain and the torment for days that lasted into weeks. None of my friends could really help but listen to me. They would try their best to help me find my way. I knew deep in my heart that there was one person in this world that may understand the pain I was going through.

So, fighting the tears in my eyes, I called my dad. Right away he knew…this man knew how much my heart was hurting. I told him everything. I felt for the first time in my life…he listened. Not to say that he didn’t listen before but this time it was so very different. When he spoke, it was the softest tone that I had ever heard him speak. He said… “Son, I know what you are going through. I have been there. I have had my heart broken too at your age”. Tears rolled down my face. I had to put the phone down just enough to so he could not hear me sobbing.

That was the day I connected to my dad. That was when I realized that he had always been right about everything in my life. Everything about women, everything about sex, and everything about LIFE. We would talk on the phone for hours that day sharing stories and how everything I was feeling…he felt. He convinced me that I will be ok and I was.

I am 36 years old and my father is still right about everything and I am ok with that. We rarely fight and we just learned to talk. He does know me better than anyone else. My dad has always tried to make sure that I do not make the same mistake he has, but sometimes that cannot be helped. In either case, he is always there to pick me up when I need it.

I have learned to a mentor to my students because of him. Happy Father’s Day Papi. I love you.

Blogging, dreams, fate, my life, omens, the alchemist, writing

The Pursuit of My Dream

So the real question for me is…What is my dream? What is it that I wanted to do when I was a child? The only thing that I really wanted to do was write. As a kid, I used to create characters and superheros with elaborate histories and complex stories. This used to be my fantasy. I am not sure where it stopped. But, I was under the impression that comic book writers did not get paid much, so before college, that faded.

Let me mention again that when I was a child that I used write horror stories that involved my classmates. I would let them read it and listen to how amazed they were about how I used my imagination to scare everyone. Of course, as much as I tried to impress the girls that I liked, the guys I perceived to be better looking and less intellectual seemed to get all the attention in the end. So I stopped doing that.

In high school, I used to write sexually charged stories about women I met on the street. Many of them included teachers that have taught me.This is one tidbit of info I have never shared with anyone. I got to the point where I had a note book filled with chapters of, what I would consider now to be, smut. In the end, I felt ashamed that I was 15 and writing thinks about sex that I had no knowledge of. I ended up throwing out the book because I did not need my mother finding any of this.

Once I got to college and realized that I really should not be a History Major, I was looking to do something that I really wanted to do. So one of things I also thought about doing is being a screenplay writer or a play-write. So, in order to transfer to schools within Syracuse University I need to have a certain GPA and I needed to write a 5 minute script. My attempt was to join the school of Visual & Performing Arts because there was no way I was getting into the Newhouse School of Public Communications. So I wrote this script called “Call Your Mother” which was very emotional for me to write. It is about a son and his conflict between his divorced parents. Consequently, I didn’t get in due to my GPA and not the work.

I have actually kept that script. It is just sitting on my hard drive. I have tweaked it from time to time. I was thinking about adding to it, but I wrote it in such a way that is perfect the way it is…to me anyway. Poetry was never really on my mind. I didn’t care for it and I avoided classes about it. However, and again few people knew this, I loved hip hop in the 90’s so much that I used to write rhymes because I was so inspired (talk about lying to yourself)!

Finally, I became an English Major because it only made sense. I loved to write so much that I would correct other people’s papers. Even in high school I made some money doing this. Writing was the only thing that came naturally to me. I would often joke in my 20’s that I would write a book about my life because of some of the things that I have encountered. But, of course, when I graduated in 1996, all I hear is that English Majors do not make much money. So once again…I scraped this idea of being a writer of any kind.

In 1999, I found myself working in Corporate America and feeling very underutilized. The pay was great but I was bored. So I tinkered with the web and created a website. I posted pictures and just did dumb things, but it wasn’t until I read a blog from a woman, that ended up being a good friend of mine, that I began to understand what I blogging was. Her writing was such an inspiration that I had to get to know her. At that point, I create a blog and even had my own domain. (Currently she is re-branding her blog and if I am really lucky…she will guest blog *waving at Nakia*)

However, my writing was amateurish at best. I knew it then. I had nothing worth saying and it showed in the way I wrote. I would talk about my daily life in NYC and Subway stories and while they were funny, that wasn’t the person I was trying to present to the world. I would keep another version of the blog after I moved back to Syracuse on a site called Xanga, but I just wasn’t happy with it. I didn’t know how to find my voice and I didn’t know how to deal with writers block. However, every now and then I would write a blog entry on Myspace..so clearly, I could not let it die.

It wasn’t until January of 2009 that I started this blog and found my voice. Once again it was because I was inspired by a blog that a woman wrote (a different woman, *waving at Brooke* and I am friends with her too!). I had not written anything in 2008 and it showed. I wrote every day until May. Once I really stopped lying about my life and confronted my fears, is when this blog had really taken shape. Now, I manage 2 blogs, the other one being on tumblr for more creative work.

My dreams have shifted over the years and I still very much want to be an author. I also want to be a public speaker as well. There are obstacles in my way and they do slow me down. But after reading The Alchemist, I now know that those obstacles are objects that are placed in my way to make me appreciate my life and all the efforts it is currently taking for me to get where I need to be.

I still have that screenplay and I still have some short stories that I have written. There is also the poetry that seems to pour out of me. My dreams are very much to make an impact on this world. I love working with students and who knows where my Higher Education background will take me…but I do know that this profession pays the bills. Perhaps when I reach my dream…I will pay back all the karma I have spent just to get there.

fate, my life, omens, the alchemist

Omens (The Alchemist)

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”

The funny thing about life is that sometimes things happen right when they need to. I think about the numerous amount of times that something happened to me at the right moment. I never really had a phrase for them until now, Omen. Under the recommendation of a few friends, I bought the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I read this book in 2 days.

I am not shocked with how good this book is but how much I needed to read this book at this moment of my life. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I was even told to read this book last year, but I wasn’t ready. But due to a series of good omens, I was able to read this book and soak up everything that was written inside of it.

Simply put, the book is about a boy and his quest to follow his dreams. He is taught to understand the language of the world and how to listen to his heart. In so many ways I feel that this is me. I have spent 36 years of my life searching for something that I am not sure how to find. At times, I am not even sure what it is I am searching for. When someone asked me what I want, I would say I want to be happy. I know that I am was put here on the planet to do something. I can really feel it.

I just never really thought about looking at the world around me and seeking out the omens in my life. However, I am all about listening and following my heart. Many times I heard people talk about how illogical it is to follow your heart because what it wants sometimes is impossible or doesn’t make sense. The problem is that the heart is where all are dreams are housed. We do not follow what we really want because of that fear of failure or rejection. But like the quote said above is so very true…the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. THIS is why people fail!

But, it is ok to fail because we can all get back up and continue to search for our happiness. This book puts so much of what I have been feeling about my personal journey into words. We have our paths laid for us and we just need find it and if not then we will always wonder “what if”.

The thing about omens is that they may appear to us everyday and we are either too blind to see them or simple do not know how to read them. Very my much like “coincidences” we may encounter. Everything we do influences the outcome of our fate in our daily lives. Think about what I wrote in the previous post. Had my dad not called me when he did…I would have made the 6:30 movie showing and never met up with friends thus having dinner alone. At the same token…my friends bought tickets to the 6:30 movie but it was too packed to find seats for them so they exchanged their tickets for the 7pm showing…where I was.

Life is interesting and God works in mysterious ways. I do not believe that our future is written, although I think there is a measure of fate in terms of being on earth to do a specific thing. However, it is us alone that determines whether we find out personal treasure and fulfill whatever our destiny is. It is those tiny omens that we see along the say that renews our faith that things will be ok.

fate, happy birthday, my life

A Twist of Fate

Chinese Symbol for Fate

In my last post I wrote about what my plan would look like for my birthday on Saturday. I had a feeling that not would go according to plan but I was ok with that. My main focus was just to go with the flow and see where the day takes me while using my plan as a guideline.

Once the clock struck midnight I a got a few texts and some phone calls. I always enjoys these. Most of them were to wish me well and tell me that I should not be alone on my birthday. My response back is, like it always is, “it is just another day”. Most understand this. However, I did have one friend blow my mind. She not only told me that I am never truly alone on this day (because too many people think about me) but that reason why this is not just another day is because 36 years ago I survived…and I have been surviving ever since. That is something to celebrate. I had no defense for this. So it ended up being something I thought about all weekend.

I went to bed late as I knew I would. I wanted to take Rocky out for walk so I set my alarm. This did not end up working because at 7am there was a thunderstorm closing in. This drives my dog nuts. He cannot stand the sounds and he gets frightened. So I have to get up and calm him down. Eventually I have to put him in the basement where he cannot hear the storm. I go back to bed and pass out until about 11am.

By this time I am starving. I clean up and take care of Rocky. I am by no means rushing. The World Cup match that I wanted to see is listed to start at 1:30pm. So I figured I have time. I leave the house at about 12:15 to get to I-Hop. I am blasting “Billionaire” by Travis McCoy and Bruno Mars in my car. I get to this place and it is packed! This seems to be typical for I-Hop considering how good their food can be. I end up waiting for awhile patiently and I am finally seated close to 1pm. I am still not in a rush. I figured it would be ok to miss a few minutes of the match. The food comes and things are great. Those crack cakes are the bomb!

So I get home at about 1:40 only find out that the match really doesn’t start until 2:15. So I relax and chill with my dog. The World Cup match between USA and England was a good one indeed. Highs and lows that end up in a 1-1 draw. For those who may not know much about fútbol (soccer), this was a good result because so many people think that the team from England will go far in the tournament.

After the match I realized that I had to get going because I wanted to make the 6:30 showing of The Karate Kid. My dad calls me at 5pm. I always enjoy talking to him and before I know it…it is almost 5:30. Now I had to decision to make. I will most likely have to go to the 7:00 showing because once I get to the mall I want to go shop with some of my birthday money.

My first stop is that Comic-book Store. I haven’t been there since right before my trip to DR. I had received in email when I was in New York City from them saying that I need to pick up the books in my reservation box before a certain date or my comics will be put back on the shelf. I figured things were good because I had already been there and I emailed them that will pick up my comics soon since the message clearly stated that any response would delay my reservation from being cleared.

So when I get there the guy tells me that my reservation box had been canceled for failure to pick up. I am like..wtf. I spend a lot of money on this store and I sent you an email. I will give it to the guy, he had great customer service. I didn’t press him all that much at all because in reality I was not all that upset. He was very apologetic and offered to restart my reservation and personally search for every lost item. Then suggested mail service. In the end, I told him I will think about it and I walked out. As I left, I kinda grinned. This may have been a blessing in disguise. Do not get me wrong, as much as I love comic books I should be sad but, I also know that once you become a collector…your collection owns you.

I head to the Apple Store and get a gift card and then I head to Express Men to cash in a a birthday coupon. I put my stuff in the car and I head to the theater. I had already bought my 7pm ticket when I got to the mall to avoid the possibility of the show being sold out. I grab a seat and wait for the previews. As fate would have it, I notice that two of my good friends walk in with their 2 children right before the previews begin. I grew up with these 2 in the Bronx. It just so happens they are SU alums and live in the area. Clearly, I get up and join them! They were happy to see me and we watched the movie.

The Karate Kid was worth every penny I paid. I could not help but to smile and think about how I ended up not going to the movies alone and to make it even better, they refuse to let me eat dinner alone. So after the movie, we go to Pizzeria Uno and have dinner. It was great to catch up with old friends and their children who are still very much used to me despite my absence. By the time I get home it is 11pm. I still had an hour to get my personal cake ready. I crack open the Shiraz and Brugal (I promise that I did NOT drink them together) as well as light my candle on my cake.

Happy Birthday to Me!

By 11:30pm, I have blown out my candle and I drink the rest of the night away. I consider this to be a very successful birthday…not also to mention the amount of messages left on my Facebook wall. I feel very fortunate and will try to make this year special.

birthday, my life

The Plan

Well…I don’t normally talk about it, so I will just get it over with. Tomorrow is just another day. Even though I turning 36, I am used to it not being a very big deal. I do have a plan on how I will spend the day. I am documenting this mainly so I can keep it all together.

I am thinking of getting up somewhat early. Depending on that, I was going to walk Rocky around the neighborhood. This is all based on weather because I think it may rain so it is possible this may not happen. I was thinking about going to I-Hop for some pancakes because they are made from crack.

The World Cup continues tomorrow. The United States takes on England at about 1pm. I am all over that. I am not into fútbol as much as the rest of the world, but I think this should be entertaining. After that, I am going to the mall. I received a gift card from Express and the means I get to buy a shirt. While I am there I will swing by the comic book store and do what I need to do…lol

I will stop by the Apple store and buy a iTunes gift card using the birthday money that my father gave me. I can buy some music and movies and be set. While I am there I am going to the movies. I want to see The Karate Kid and the A-Team. Depending on my time I may see the first and wait later for the latter.

After all that, I will make myself a nice dinner. Arroz con Maiz with Steak and maduros. I have taken the liberty of buying some wine, one cup cake, and some candles (they don’t just sell one…lol). I will light it up and drink the night away as I watch Nip/Tuck on DVD (of course I will fit the Mets game somewhere in there).

This is the plan for tomorrow. Happy Birthday to me.

P.S. I totally forgot I came back with a small bottle of Brugal from DR…oh this gets better…lol

divorce, job search, my life, roommates

An Issue of Contentment.

As I go through this process of sorting out the messes in my life, I want people to understand a few things about me. I think that in someway I may come across as depressed or saddened or that I feel helpless. That is not the case. I am just frustrated with obstacles in front of me. I consider my life to be this complex puzzle in which I cannot find the boarders to put the pieces all together.

I know I do not have a bad life. I have a job and a roof over my head. That is more than a lot of people can say these days. So my issues pale in comparison to someone else who may be dealing with a disease or have child that is suffering in any kind of way. I get that I have many things to be thankful for.

On that same token, I know that my actions have gotten me where I am. For better or worse, I am right where I am because of decisions that I have made. Everything happens for a reason and when I am meant to leave, then I will leave. I cannot force it as much as I want to. However, I can do everything in my power to give me a chance to do better things.

The issue for me is contentment. I was speaking to a friend and she made a remark about how her goal in life at this moment is to be content with herself and then suggested that it should be that way with me. This is an amazing point. I need to get to the point where I can be at the very least…content with my life and where it is. This is easier said that done when you set goals for yourself and those goals are not being met. However, I do know that many successful people have failed an enormous amount of times before they achieved greatness.

Failure is a part of life and I am not afraid of it…I am just frustrated about it because in the end, I hate to lose. I have decided that I am going to save every rejection letter I get from employers as fodder for my motivation. I am better than what I put on paper and I am certainly as good as anyone out in the field and I intent on proving that. It will be my journey to simply get better.

I am leaning toward finding roommates again. The simple truth is the the fiscal year for the schools up here starts in July. So do most of the leases. I can catch the rush of people looking for a room to live in between July and August. I realize that I cannot give up. My problems are something I can deal with I just need to not take them on all at once.

I am very fortunate that I am where I am. I just need to prove to myself that I can get where I need to go.

Dominican Republic, family, my life

Prodigal Son

Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith. I have noticed that family has been on my mind for quite sometime now because of my trip to the Dominican Republic. Clearly, I have done a lot of introspection before and after this trip.

I am emotional. I know that. This has been my issue for awhile now, that I cannot control them. Granted, most people do not see it as much and that is the way I prefer it. I rather hide behind my humor and sarcasm. In fact, I rather people think I am distant. When I was in the Dominican Republic I saw something else besides true love, I saw family. Yes, mi familia was there and so was the bride’s and what I saw was how a family should be. So I caught myself being pensive at times.

I recognize that I strive to be things that my parents are not. My dad is impatient and my mother is irrational. These are two things that I work on the most when deal with people in general. However, both of my parents are emotional, which is why I believe their divorce took so long because neither wanted to give in a inch to the other all based on emotion.

As I have gotten older I have lost more control over my feelings in general. I try not to take many things personally and I do believe in forgiveness and the ability to let go. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had some issues with my mother. We have had trouble seeing eye to eye since I was 16. Compound that with a messy divorce and my need to rebel and we both have years of just not speaking to each other. I can sit here and tell you that this is all her fault but I am not doing to do that. I know that I have my faults to.

Over that last few month and leading into this month I have slowly been letting my mother back in. The reason being that she is not getting any younger. I feel that I have enough mother figures in my life that I may not really need to have her in my life, but I may need to be in hers. In many ways I feel that I am the prodigal son returning…again.

I often say that there is no manual for being married, well it is the same thing for being in a family. While I sat at the wedding reception in DR, I noticed all 96 of the brides family members (exaggerating) party and act like a family. Maybe that is their public face but they put on awesome show of unity. My family does not do that unless someone dies.

Having a discussion with one of my cousins, we feel that it is younger generation of our family that may be the ones to teach the older folks what family means. I see where my family is heading on both parents side. I am not saying that things are disastrous but, what I am saying is that we are blood. We are bound by the fact that we are indeed related. While, we cannot save everyone, we can preserve what family is. I think that is what is lost these days when we talk about people losing their sense of history. It all starts with family passing down stories, traditions, and language. If you do not have that then what do you have?

If I am truly going to have kids, as many of you seem to believe, then what foundation can they root themselves in if they do not have family behind them? Forgiveness does not mean forgetness (I made that up) but it does mean letting go in order to move on.

divorce, house, job search, my life, struggles, women

Struggles

It is June and I no idea what I am doing. I thought by now, I would have everything figured out. My goal is to be in NYC by the end of the year and I am no where near that goal. I have sitting here trying to figure out what I am doing wrong.

I have applied for a numerous amount of jobs at several schools. If I am lucky I will get a letter back, otherwise I will hear absolutely nothing. While I know the job market is bad, I figured I would be in the running for a lot more positions. Clearly, this is not happening. So, I need to go back to the drawing board here. Maybe, my resume does not stand out. Maybe I need to change the wording. I don’t want to apply for just anything because I can get bored easily if I am not challenged by the level of work.

There is also the fact that when looking for a job, it is not what you know but who you know. I will tell you that I am lacking in this department. I do not know many people in my field who reside in New York City. So that is a big problem because I will have to rely on other people’s contacts and knowledge and clearly that is not working either. I am really pimping myself out on Linkedin so who knows how far that will get me.

Which has led me to my ultimate decision which leads me to go back to school full time. I think the fact that I lack that Master Degree is what is hurting me. I can have a shit load of experience in my field, but clearly it means little with out this paper. So, I am making plans to shoot for January admissions in NYC. I am planning to meet with some people to get my shit together in order to do this. Of course, I could take classes up here, but I am really done with Syracuse and I need a scenery change.

Then there is this house. I was so very positive that I could keep this, but now that is not going to happen. Even now, I flip back and forth between selling and finding a roommate. Since, I need the money now, I tend to go with the roommate option but, I have no one. Why is that? Well my friend decided that he can now live with his wife again and now I am back being alone. So now I am stuck with this house alone.

So, I will put the house on the market. The problem is…I have no idea what I am doing. I do not want to use a Realtor because I do not have the money for that. However, I may not have a choice because it costs money to actually put it on the market from what I see. I realize that my life will be a whole lot better if I just got rid of it. There are tons of things that need to be fixed and things that have been fixed. This will be my struggle for the summer.

Then there is women. I say very little about this subject as it pertains to me because what is there to say? All I can say is that I observe. I watch what women do and I either smh (shake my head) or I just straight up laugh. I feel like everyday I refine my list of things that I want or expect in a woman. I know men are assholes and I will preach that all day but, most women make no sense to me. This does effect me because despite all the goodness around me, I am really starting to feel that I will be alone for very long time.

Dominican Republic, love, my life

Follow that Feeling…

Funny how much difference a year can make. Most of my posts last year had to do with the fact that many people around me were having issues with their relationships. I was stunned by the number of troubles people were having. It goes to show that we make we have problems but someone may have it worse. This year though, it seems like people are getting married, or engaged, or just getting together. I think it is great.

I think people need to just follow their hearts. I have talked about how hard it is for me make decisions that require me to think about head and heart, but in the end I know that it is best for me to do what feels right. I haven’t always followed my heart because somewhere I thought that being logical is better. Logic plays no part in matter of the heart.

For the most part love makes no sense. We cannot help whom we fall in love with and we cannot make people fall in love with us. However, we can follow our hearts to the end. Right or wrong, there is very little regret in the end if you follow it truly. If it does not work out, your heart will heal and you can say that you tried something that felt right. If the attempt is not made…then there are lingering thoughts of “what if”. However, if it does work out the rewards are endless.

Happiness is what I wish those who embark on a new relationship, marriage, or even a rekindling of an old flame. Fear is way too much apart of people’s psyche. People use fear as a reason to not do something. I am guilty of this as well, but at some point we all must make a choice of letting go of the fear.

I saw a fearless couple in the Dominican Republic. They are ready for anything and it is awesome to me. Perhaps I am looking too deep into this, but sometimes we all need reminders that there are good things that an happen in life. We need to take things one day at a time. For me, I have been trying to push away the notion of love (despite my rash of poems on tumblr). I am not saying that it is working but I am sure many may have noticed that I really wasn’t talking about as much as I normally do. Going to this wedding shattered all that.

So now, as I continue to struggle with my life, I will have these thoughts of what I need to do about my love life. I have chosen not to do much until this divorce is final. I believe that is not fair to me or to the other potential person to date with this over my head. Don’t get me wrong, I have other reason why I am not really dating but, that is the main reason. I need to clear my head of many things…and let’s be real here, having a woman in my life is just more drama and trouble for me.

Perhaps that is harsh and not fair, but I think I am right in my assessment. I know my dad will disagree and tell me that I need to run through some “hoodrats” (because he totally talks that way), but that is not me. I have tried the jumpoff thing and is not all that fulfilling to me. Plus, using women is something that I cannot get used to…even if they want to be used.

So right now I am going to follow what feels right and see where is take me. Hopefully it will help me sell this house (a blog for another time) and get a job in NYC.

Oh..and for those who follow your heart…you will always have a supporter in me.

Dominican Republic, love, my life

True Love…

“The most important thing in life is to learn how

to give out love, and to let it come in.” – Morrie Schwartz

I saw something out in the Dominican Republic that I will be thinking about for a long time. I saw true love. I am not saying that I have not seen it before because I have. Sometimes when you see it is unrecognizable or maybe too mushy to take, but make no mistake, I know what I saw. I think my brother (cousin) has really found something that not many people ever obtain.

I think the rest of the families see it too. Especially on the Dominican side. She is their pride and joy. I could not be happier for them. This is the second wedding that I have gone to since the decision was made to break our my marriage. This one hit me more just seeing 2 people put in the hard work to get married. You can see they worked hand in hand to get every detail just right. This is what a wedding should be like.

I makes me wonder what I need to do to get there. Not to be married, but to find that true love that we should all be striving for. Maybe I had it and lost it. I am not sure only time will tell. This would be the first occasion that I have gotten misty eyed at a wedding. I try not to get emotional but I know how big that day was.

To be honest, I always thought that my brother waited to long to get himself together enough to find the one. But I now realize that all the trials he has been through has gotten him here to this moment. While I got married sort of young, I thought I was the one who had it all. Now I am picking up the pieces. Clearly I was mistaken. Perhaps I should have waited but that is all water under the bridge. Things happen for a reason and he and his new bride are happy. I love that. I always wanted him to be as happy as he can be.

I cannot really define what true love is. I can only write about it and hope that one day i get it right. It took my father getting married a 3rd time to solidify what his true love is. I hope I am that lucky.