latinegro

Women are Ruthless

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It is amazing what people will say when they find out that I am getting a divorce. I know that many people really do not know what to say when they hear about it, but there are those who know exactly what to say. From what I can tell, those who are still married and have never been through a divorce (or never witnessed one with their parents) never know what to say. It is those who have been through a divorce of any kind that have the most to say.

A few weeks ago, I had a buddy of mine talk to me when he found out that I was getting a divorce. After making sure that I was ok, he begins to tell me how different women are from when we were single. Of course, I am thinking, “have I been married that long?” Seriously, did something happen that I don’t know? How the hell are things different? He tells me this one line that I am not going to forget: Bitches are ruthless. Whoa.

He explains to me that women will do whatever is necessary to get what they want. His point is that I am good catch and women these days will sniff me out and “sink their claws in me.” He had a general concern that I may not be ready for this. I have told him what I am telling everyone: I am not trying to date anyone. I need to do me. I need to make myself happy. He is response that I can use women to achieve this goal…again, whoa.

So, like I normally do when I encounter such information, I seek the advice of my female friends. Imagine my surprise when they agreed! There is something that I never really thought about and that is the fact that there is a man shortage. Women out number us, which give men the ability to have options. Women, particularly in my age group, that are looking for a good man will make sure they will do what they need to to achieve this goal. I found this to be very surprising.

See, I hated dating when I was in my 20’s. In fact, I didn’t do it much. Why? because women did not pay much attention to me. Now, maybe you can blame that on the fact that I was looking in the wrong direction when it came to women. However, it seemed to me that women in their 20’s are looking for something I do not have. Most, times they seem to be looking for thugs, and I am far from that. Maybe times have changed, but I cannot say for sure. So the fact that women will try to get their claws into me is something I am not really ready to accept.

It was then explained to me that their are certain qualities that I posses. I am educated. I have a good career. I can take care of myself. After that, the two most important things: I am (or will be) single and I have no kids. Whoa. I find this all to be very interesting. I can understand what people are telling me, but all I can say it that I am still not dating anyone. You cannot “sink your claws” into something you cannot grab.

So, now I am in My Sanctuary, here in Florida. My parents have taken much time and effort into pulling just about every detail into what happened with my marriage. I told them just about everything. At the end, we talked about my future, and once again I was told that women can be ruthless! My dad pretty much told me that when a woman wants something she will do anything, including hurting her friends to get a man she wants. That is crazy! My step mother did not even disagree! In fact, she told me that women just do not care. Where are these women?? I am really trying to figure out who I know that is like that.

This information is something I clearly need to ponder. I mean I wont go into it too deeply, but it is something I need to be aware of. I wont lie, I have been under the impression that most women do not know what they want. However, with age this changes. I begin to wonder it is because of desperation or simply that the men they have dated in the past simply were not for them and they need a change of pace. I am not sure.

All I can say is that women confuse me and will always confuse me. I know I am not perfect. But, perhaps with the man shortage I was told about, it is difficult for a woman to make a choice on what to do.

Florida, lost dog, rocky

Tid Bit Tuesday (Florida Edition)

DOG!

This past Saturday I went to a wedding for a co-worker. We left pretty early in the afternoon. Of course it rains pretty much every day up here so, there was a big thunderstorm in Syracuse. My dog, Rocky, does not like Thunderstorms. So, when he hears the noise he pretty much goes crazy. He will bark and scratch at the door (same thing happens with fireworks). Usually it passes when the thundering stops. He normally stays in the patio in the backyard, but sometimes he will just let himself get soaked.

We get back from the wedding at about 10 and when Josie calls out to Rocky, he does not answer. So I go out to the back with a flash light. Nothing, no sign of him anywhere. I am like stunned. How the hell does this dog get out??? Not to mention that I have to drive to Florida in the morning. So we wait until the morning to report him lost at the various animal shelters. Once we knew we could do nothing…we left for Florida (5 hours later than scheduled).

We were somewhere in southern New Jersey when I got a call from the SPCA that someone may have found Rocky. Turns out my neighbor, 2 doors down, found him and took him in! So all i had to do was arrange from someone to get him, which I did. My dear friend Maria, picked up Rocky yesterday and returned him to our home (where he is now CHAINED…kidding). Thank you all for the well wishes. We were concerned because he had not had his medicine in over a day, but Maria is making sure that he is fine. Thank You Maria!

Trip to Florida

So far my trip is going well. The drive down was good. I want to say it was rough, but driving all 17 hours was not bad. There were 3 of us on this trip so there was a lot of conversations and laughter. I am always amazed how beautiful the country can be on the road. I ended up driving late at night and earlier in the morning.

I know I mentioned this before but, I really do love to drive. During this time on my life, I feel that is one of things I can do that I need to concentrate on and not think to much about what seem to be happening to me.

My Sanctuary

I have decided to call my parents home “My Sanctuary.” This is become my place where I do not have to do anything. I can just be here with my thoughts and not worry about my job or any other outside influences. I did bring some books to read. I plan on being in the pool and just doing nothing.

I actually had some drinks. Gin and Tonic. I never had that before. Really not bad. I had ceviche too! This should be a good week because I deserve it. I need to have some time to be a monk and just live for me. I think I can do that.

enigma, heart, love, my life

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma…get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future…well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college…get married…have a family…live happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst enemy…me. So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, “in the end, everything will work itself out”, I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.

comic books, dreams, mother

Why I Read Comic Books

“The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung

I need to change the mood of this blog. There has been too much talk about death and sadness. So, now it is time to show my nerdy side. I have been collecting comic books all my life. It has always been an escape for me. I have noticed over the last several months to maybe about a year, I have not been reading my comics at all. Don’t get me wrong, I would still buy them and add them to the rest of the pile, but I just didn’t read them. I know myself. I knew that I will eventually get to them.

Then 2 weeks ago a I had a dream. I was in bathroom. I was either shaving or brushing my teeth, but when I opened up the medicine cabinet, falling out were comic books wrapped individually in plastic. The covers were so vivid that I could read the title of the different books, most of which did I did not collect. I had found this very strange because I have never dreamt about comic books before.

It turns out that I was having several weird dreams that week. This was just one that stood out to me. I have always believed that dreams are a way of our subconscious letting us know of issues that need to addressed by our conscious mind (I studied Carl Jung in college). Usually, if you do not try to figure out what your dream is about, you end up repeating them. So, I ended up going to this website and looked up the meaning of this dream. I will say that there were other occurrences in the dream that I am neglecting to divulge…but this part of that dream effected me greatly.

So I look up comic books and it states: To see comic books in a dream signifies that you are taking life too seriously. My jaw dropped. Have I been taking my life too seriously? Have I been this nut job that stressed myself our to no end? Is that why I stopped reading comic books (and regular books) because life is just too damn hard? This was a startling revelation to me. If you know me well enough, then you know that I am reading my comic books as soon as I buy them. I just haven’t been doing that.

I know that some women think that reading comics at my age is immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Let me just day that it was my mother who got me into reading comic books. She would buy them for me when I was very young. I would read them and enjoy the writing and the art. She knew what I collected and made sure I kept up with it. I may not have a great relationship with her, but by fondest memory of my mother was when I was sick with a fever in bed and I was just so miserable. She walked in with 10 new comic books for me to read. That made me feel better than anything else. It made me love to read and it made me want to write!

I have always wanted to be a writer when I was a kid. I actually wrote different adventures and at one point created my own superheroes with their own unique set of characteristics. In fact, I created a whole world of my own. I even shared my adventures with friends (I still have the book around here somewhere…). I also know how to draw, I just don’t think I am that great at it. As, I grew older my skills in writing became better than my skills at being an artist. Besides, it seemed that with every issue of Spiderman or the Justice League of America, my vocabulary improved. You would be surprised how much a 10 year old can comprehend when reading about a character named Firestorm when it come to Nuclear Mechanics and Atomic Restructuring.

My point is, this was escape for me. I lived in the Bronx and I would much rather run to the comic book store than play craps on the corner. Sure, I was made fun of and talked about by the “cool” kids, but I don’t see any of them with a blog 20 years later. So the principle remains the same. Comic books are an escape for me. The best part about them now is that they are now being written by writers who are my age and see the world almost the same way I do.

I finally starting reading them again this past weekend. I was very fulfilling. I didn’t think about any of my problems in the hours it took me to catch up. Well, there was book in particular in which Red Arrow got advice about love from Green Lantern…

Ok, I need to stop, but I will not stop reading…

Florida, Michael Jackson, my dad, Steve McNair

Tid Bit Tuesday

Air McNair

I remember when I was in college. There were 2 black quarterbacks that were making serious moves on the football field. One was Donvan McNabb, and the other was Steve “Air” McNair. He was just that good. ESPN could not get enough of showing this kid throwing touchdown passes down the field. You could tell that he was a master of this craft.

I am sadden by his death. 36 years old??? That is just crazy to me. I feel that all these celebrity deaths are turning every blog I read (including this one) into a larger discussion about death and mortality. This is definitely to reflect on our positions in life. I am quite sure things will get better.

R.I.P Steve…

MJ Tribute

Work got in the way. Maybe that is just an excuse. I could be out there right looking at this. I decided to stand back and not do it. I am hoping that CNN replays this. Just looking at all the Twitter updates suggest that this memorial if far better than any thing BET can conjure up. I am just not ready to say good bye yet. I still have so many songs in my head.

I have already started my quest in getting all the songs I need to get to create my ultimate Michael Jackson play list. I noticed that the older the song, the more powerful the song is. I am just still amazed how relevant his songs are in my life. I truly understand when people have said that MJ provided the soundtrack for their lives. I think that he is still providing the soundtrack for mine.

I still maintain that the songs he left for his kids will all be smash hits. They will pay for their education. We will all benefit from hearing him on the radio again. CNN is replaying the trubute at 7pm…

Florida

My trip to Florida is almost upon me. I cannot wait to hit the road. People think that I am crazy for driving down there, but I am ok with that. I love to drive so, I will not worry about it. Driving really puts me at ease and it makes me not think about much of anything. I am also an expert at making play lists, so I will have plenty of music to entertain me. If all else fails, then I have satellite radio.

This will be the first time I will have seen my father since May. So, I will get to have great food because the man can cook. I do intend to keep up this blog both on the road and in Florida. Disney is in my future, so I hope I get to have some fun there. I will just say that the plan is for me to relax. I do have the following week off as well, but I will spending that time at home.

One more thing. My father has a killer Salsa music collection. I fully intend on copying as many CDs as possible…

death, heart, my life

Head vs Heart

I have been thinking about this topic all weekend. When making decisions we are always considering following our hearts. Then there is the thought about following our heads. I always find it amazing that there can be such a difference from following our hearts rather than following our heads. Some people may do this easier than most. They can balance the two factions within us. I am not sure that I have done a great job of this.

I am a person who just thinks way too much. Yet, I seem to follow my heart way too much when it comes to love and life. My head takes a back seat sometimes because many times I follow what feels right to me. The more I think about it, I seem to do that a lot. Especially, with my students. As hard as I can be with them, I seem to give them chances at redemption with either employment or grades. I like to think that I generally care and maybe I do, too much.

When I do not act with my heart, I will analyze my choices and decisions so much. I try to justify something I have done and thus overload my brain with thoughts. I have made many decisions based on the what I thought was right rather that what I felt was right. Of course when that happens I become OCD. I starting thinking about “what if” scenarios, which is never good.

To be honest, I would rather make a decision based on heart rather than head. I have always been that way. I tend to not have a headache when I make a wrong decision that was based on something I thought about, but when I make a wrong decision based on heart…then well I get into a whole world of heartache. However, despite the chance of heartache…the rewards for successfully following your heart tend to be greater.

Not to say that I don’t get a heartaches from making a mental mistake. It just easier to get over. When I talk about heartaches, I am talking about the feeling that we may all get, that is right in middle of our chest that no drug can take care of. To me, that is one of the worse pains I can go through. My estimation is a broken heart is worse than a migraine. At least with a migraine I can sleep it off, not so much with heartache. The pain from a broken heart seems to last for a very long time.

I bring all this up because it seems like death is all around us these days. We tend to forget the little things in life that bring us joy. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives because we simply believe they will always be there. Nothing hits more than reading Lisa Marie Presley’s blog about Michael Jackson. It is never too late to tell someone you care about them. While I personally believe life can be long…not everyone gets to live a long life. Steve McNair is a great example of that. He was a year older than me!

Lord knows that I have been trying to live my life for me over the last few months. There have been times that have been difficult and challenging. Opportunities will continue to appear at my feet, but sometimes I wonder if following my heart at this stage of my life is still the smart thing. I think that I have gone down paths that I have still not fully recovered from, so why follow my heart now? Right now my head is steering the ship in my life. My heart is taking the backseat, I just wonder if that changes the person I am.

Blogging, Michael Jackson, music

My Soundtrack (Michael’s Edition)

I was going to write about how unmotivated I was, but then a Michael Jackson song came on and I had to groove to it. I began to think about how I skipped yesterday’s blog. I try not to skip days on this blog, but sometimes I have nothing to say. Don’t get me wrong, I can be busy too. I have written a poem that is not quite ready for this blog yet. I consider it to be too real. At the same time, I am contemplating the next blog for Monday. So I have a lot of things rolling around in this head of mine.

Anyway, with that being said, I wanted to build upon something I did last week: My soundtrack. It is so hard to pick a top 10 or a top 20 of anything these days. With Micheal Jackson, it that much harder. Most of his songs are just so damn good. They can make you groove, or make you think about the world, or just make you cry. I still maintain he has the best songs about love, which makes it so hard to list to at times.

So I decided that I will list the top 20 Micheal Jackson songs on my iTunes that I listen to the most. This will include all songs through out his career:

Blame it on the Boogie – The Jacksons
Off The Wall – Michael Jackson
P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) – Michael Jackson
Dancing Machine – Jackson 5
Walk Right Now – The Jacksons
Rock With You – Michael Jackson
Billy Jean – Michael Jackson
Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough – Michael Jackson
Human Nature – Michael Jackson
Butterflies – Michael Jackson
Working Day & Night – Michael Jackson
Thriller – Michael Jackson
Can You Feel It? – The Jacksons
Remember The Time – Michael Jackson
Beat It – Michael Jackson
Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson
Wanna Be Starting Something – Michael Jackson
Who’s Loving You – Jackson 5
Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground) – The Jacksons
Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson

Ask me again next week and I will tell you that the order of these songs will change. Right Now, as I was compiling this list, I was listening to “Ben”. I do not have all his songs, but I am working on it.

Let me know what songs you feel should make this Top 20.

poetry

Poem: Facet of Me

In my quest to shake off the bad vibes of last month, I decided to post this poem that I wrote a few years ago. This is a different type of poem you may expect from me, but hey, I am a man…

She engulfs my presence
Runs shivers through my essence
Her movements are so calculated
Her actions have so demonstrated
That her intent is to explore every facet of me

Once she makes me feel warm,
Words become hard to form
I close my eyes so I can dream
About how this should never end
But her intent is to explore deeper the very facet of me

Her eyes are fixed on every expression
Everything she has done is right with no exception
I try to push back my excitement because I know
As well as she does where this will go
But her intent is to consume every facet of me

She takes over with complete control
Ready to take my body as a whole
My manhood loves when she goes down this road
And is waiting for her to break the mold
Her intent is devour the very facet of me

She takes me on roller coaster with every turn
Up and down, side to side, each move I yearn
For a bigger plunge and a faster spin
I try to hold out, but this a game she will win
Her intent is to dominate the facet of me

My excitement kills the hush
As I explode with such a rush
Intent quickly become reality
Revealed to her is the inner man she can see
She has taken the very facet of me

Black Weblog Awards, Blogging, laptop, Michael Jackson

Tid Bit Tuesday

Laptop Issues

My laptop is now giving me issues. Of course it will. This is a perfect way to end a horrible month. I thought I fixed this issue before when I was in New York City, but it seems that I will have to take other measures. I am not really too worried about it. I am just more annoyed than anything else.

When my laptop has issues I normally have to find other ways to entertain myself. I realize that I am a bit of a gadget junkie, but I tend to read a lot when I am online. Then there is this blog that I love to write. The most important thing to me, however, is my music. I am always playing music from my laptop. Yes, while I could play it through my iPhone, I have more variety on my computer.

I know I will end fixing it, but it does make me think about how life would be without one for a while. I think may need some time to “unplug”. I need to get back to reading. I have decided to dedicate at least one hour a day to reading. I will see how that goes. I have a lot of books that I can catch up on.

MJ on the Mind

As I had stated on Friday, I am still shocked and saddened by Michael Jackson’s death. I find myself listening to his music more now then ever. I used to listen to his music as it was, but now I have some songs stuck in my head. I have told myself that I will just play as much of his music as possible until I get tired of hearing the same rotation. Of course I am not even close.

I am also not interested in any of the drama that will come out about his estate and who is getting what money. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am more interested in why he hated his image so much. What makes a man who has everything change his appearance? Did he encounter such racism as a kid that he hated what he saw in the mirror? Maybe one day we will find out.

Blog Awards?

I am not the type of person to toot my own horn. I have stated numerous of times that I write for myself. However, I saw a fellow blogger had nominated himself for the Black Weblog Awards and I was just curious as to how one would go about doing this. So I did some research and in the end, I nominated this blog for some awards.

I will say that I have no expectations on winning. I am doing this because, as some people have put it: “if you don’t toot your own horn, no one will do it for you”. I think that ever so slowly I am getting a following and appreciate that and all the well wishes that I am getting. I think it would be cool just to say I was in the running. If you want vote for me you can click here. You can choose any of the 4 categories or all of them. Up to you. I will have the link on the right column until voting is over. Thanks again for all the support.

death, Friendship, Michael Jackson, money, my life, New York Mets

MyMindIsRacing

It has been a very long month. I cannot seem to focus on anything. I have tried to come up with a decent blog today, but it is just not happening. I also did not want to skip today either. I need to write in order to express myself. I know I am at a crossroads in my life and I am finding it difficult to take that next step.

This goes beyond moving on and letting go. This has to do with stability, that is so hard to come by in this recession. I am really starting to see how all this stuff is starting to effect me. Gas is getting too expensive again and that is making it hard to just make trips to New York City. Of course, once I get there, it would be hard not to spend money. I find myself shopping at the dollar store (which, I should have been doing all along). Things are just so tight lately that I feel constricted.

Personally, I am dealing with so many things. The loss of a marriage. The loss of a good friend. The loss of Michael Jackson. It seems like this month has been a total loss for me. I wont mention becoming 35 and the fact that the New York Mets cant seem to get a win when I need it the most. This also seems like the month that everyone is dying in, so that is never good. I am trying to find the little the things that can keep me going.

There are things I am looking forward to. I am going to Florida in 2 weeks. This will be a treat for me and I hope to have fun with my parents. I will definitely blog about them and the heated pool (my father doesn’t like the water to be too cold…yet I sweat in the damn water). I have my grad school classes to look forward to. I will also say that I miss my students. They tend to give me more energy than I give them credit for.

The point is…I need June to be over..